MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So much drama. Why didn’t you just keep your door closed and not go out in the hallway? You could have waited to use the bathroom once the baby was settled and everyone was back in bed.

Yeah, why did you continue to go out into the hall each night knowing you would meet her there and have to deal with her?

Do you think maybe because OP had to pee and didn’t want to be sitting there uncomfortable, needing to pee for 15 minutes while breastfeeding? -np

They both need to use the bathroom every time the baby wakes up? Weird.

I think a lot of people need to pee in the middle of the night, especially if they are woken up by something other than their body, like a car alarm. I know I do.

So… maybe like MIL, also woken up by something either than her body?

Right…so maybe MIL could do as she was asked for several nights in a row, and even before the trip commenced, and leave the parents/baby alone during the one night wake up? Maybe? So maybe like MIL could use the restroom and then go back to bed, instead of loudly talking and generally getting in the way when she had already been told multiple times that the parents didn’t want help? Like, maybe?

Like, maybe, but she didn't. Maybe she didn't like being told what to do in her own house, maybe? So, now what? Burn the witch?

Oh, there’s no “maybe,” and there’s no “burning.” MIL was free to keep butting in even after she was asked not to. Grandbaby won’t be staying in her home anymore. Oh well! She can roam the halls alone now.

Oh well. Probably for the best. DIL sounds like a control freak pain in the ass.

Disagree. I think she sounds like a normal rational person who got irritated that her MIL kept asking her 4 or 5 nights in a row if everything g was ok, even though she was repeatedly told everything was fine.

You, however, DO sound like a pain in the a$$.

Normal and rational? Sure. A normal person would just roll their eyes and get on with life. Not normal people "brush" their MIL out of the way, accuse them of prowling, call them a nuisance, and go into a tailspin because she dared to check in with them to make sure everything was ok. Actually it sounds like the DIL and MIL have more in common than originally thought.

If DIL is the problem, why is it the MILs own son saying no more visits, until baby is STTN?

Fixed it for you. You left out a key part.

OK. Same question. If DIL is the problem why is it her son who is cutting off the visits for the next 8-12 months?

Because he recognizes traveling with an infant sucks. Just stay home.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So much drama. Why didn’t you just keep your door closed and not go out in the hallway? You could have waited to use the bathroom once the baby was settled and everyone was back in bed.

Yeah, why did you continue to go out into the hall each night knowing you would meet her there and have to deal with her?

Do you think maybe because OP had to pee and didn’t want to be sitting there uncomfortable, needing to pee for 15 minutes while breastfeeding? -np

They both need to use the bathroom every time the baby wakes up? Weird.

I think a lot of people need to pee in the middle of the night, especially if they are woken up by something other than their body, like a car alarm. I know I do.

So… maybe like MIL, also woken up by something either than her body?

Right…so maybe MIL could do as she was asked for several nights in a row, and even before the trip commenced, and leave the parents/baby alone during the one night wake up? Maybe? So maybe like MIL could use the restroom and then go back to bed, instead of loudly talking and generally getting in the way when she had already been told multiple times that the parents didn’t want help? Like, maybe?

Like, maybe, but she didn't. Maybe she didn't like being told what to do in her own house, maybe? So, now what? Burn the witch?

Oh, there’s no “maybe,” and there’s no “burning.” MIL was free to keep butting in even after she was asked not to. Grandbaby won’t be staying in her home anymore. Oh well! She can roam the halls alone now.

This is why it’s never advisable for Grandparents to have a power struggle with the parents. They cannot win and they do long term damage to the relationship.

OP said they won't stay there until the baby sleeps through the night. Where do you get that the relationship is over? OP isn't as worked up as her supporters here.

I didn’t say over, I said damaged. New babies are an emotional, hormonal time. A wise and supportive MIL follows her son and DIL’s lead so they trust her and find time with her pleasant, which leads to more time with the baby, which leads to a better relationship between MIL and baby, which leads to more trust, etc. Feeling like MIL doesn’t listen to fairly simple requests does the opposite.

Overreacting to petty annoyances doesn't build strong family bonds either. Family can be annoying, you have to let things roll off your back sometimes. Why is this a one way street?

Because MIL is the one who wants something. It doesn’t sound like son or DIL had such a great time they’re desperate to be hosted again/spend more time with MIL right now.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So much drama. Why didn’t you just keep your door closed and not go out in the hallway? You could have waited to use the bathroom once the baby was settled and everyone was back in bed.

Yeah, why did you continue to go out into the hall each night knowing you would meet her there and have to deal with her?

Do you think maybe because OP had to pee and didn’t want to be sitting there uncomfortable, needing to pee for 15 minutes while breastfeeding? -np

They both need to use the bathroom every time the baby wakes up? Weird.

I think a lot of people need to pee in the middle of the night, especially if they are woken up by something other than their body, like a car alarm. I know I do.

So… maybe like MIL, also woken up by something either than her body?

Right…so maybe MIL could do as she was asked for several nights in a row, and even before the trip commenced, and leave the parents/baby alone during the one night wake up? Maybe? So maybe like MIL could use the restroom and then go back to bed, instead of loudly talking and generally getting in the way when she had already been told multiple times that the parents didn’t want help? Like, maybe?

Like, maybe, but she didn't. Maybe she didn't like being told what to do in her own house, maybe? So, now what? Burn the witch?

Oh, there’s no “maybe,” and there’s no “burning.” MIL was free to keep butting in even after she was asked not to. Grandbaby won’t be staying in her home anymore. Oh well! She can roam the halls alone now.

This is why it’s never advisable for Grandparents to have a power struggle with the parents. They cannot win and they do long term damage to the relationship.

OP said they won't stay there until the baby sleeps through the night. Where do you get that the relationship is over? OP isn't as worked up as her supporters here.

I didn’t say over, I said damaged. New babies are an emotional, hormonal time. A wise and supportive MIL follows her son and DIL’s lead so they trust her and find time with her pleasant, which leads to more time with the baby, which leads to a better relationship between MIL and baby, which leads to more trust, etc. Feeling like MIL doesn’t listen to fairly simple requests does the opposite.

Overreacting to petty annoyances doesn't build strong family bonds either. Family can be annoying, you have to let things roll off your back sometimes. Why is this a one way street?

Because MIL is the one who wants something. It doesn’t sound like son or DIL had such a great time they’re desperate to be hosted again/spend more time with MIL right now.

Life changes after having a baby. It's not easy to travel. It's hard to have an baby in the house when you aren't used to it. Everyone needs to adapt to the new reality and be flexible. Scale back the visits for the time being. Isn't there still a pandemic going on? Why travel with an unvaccinated baby anyway?

[Anonymous]

How do you know she is angry at you? What did she say?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So much drama. Why didn’t you just keep your door closed and not go out in the hallway? You could have waited to use the bathroom once the baby was settled and everyone was back in bed.

Yeah, why did you continue to go out into the hall each night knowing you would meet her there and have to deal with her?

Do you think maybe because OP had to pee and didn’t want to be sitting there uncomfortable, needing to pee for 15 minutes while breastfeeding? -np

They both need to use the bathroom every time the baby wakes up? Weird.

I think a lot of people need to pee in the middle of the night, especially if they are woken up by something other than their body, like a car alarm. I know I do.

So… maybe like MIL, also woken up by something either than her body?

Right…so maybe MIL could do as she was asked for several nights in a row, and even before the trip commenced, and leave the parents/baby alone during the one night wake up? Maybe? So maybe like MIL could use the restroom and then go back to bed, instead of loudly talking and generally getting in the way when she had already been told multiple times that the parents didn’t want help? Like, maybe?

Like, maybe, but she didn't. Maybe she didn't like being told what to do in her own house, maybe? So, now what? Burn the witch?

Oh, there’s no “maybe,” and there’s no “burning.” MIL was free to keep butting in even after she was asked not to. Grandbaby won’t be staying in her home anymore. Oh well! She can roam the halls alone now.

This is why it’s never advisable for Grandparents to have a power struggle with the parents. They cannot win and they do long term damage to the relationship.

OP said they won't stay there until the baby sleeps through the night. Where do you get that the relationship is over? OP isn't as worked up as her supporters here.

I didn’t say over, I said damaged. New babies are an emotional, hormonal time. A wise and supportive MIL follows her son and DIL’s lead so they trust her and find time with her pleasant, which leads to more time with the baby, which leads to a better relationship between MIL and baby, which leads to more trust, etc. Feeling like MIL doesn’t listen to fairly simple requests does the opposite.

Overreacting to petty annoyances doesn't build strong family bonds either. Family can be annoying, you have to let things roll off your back sometimes. Why is this a one way street?

Sounds like OP let it roll off her back for four nights, and lost patience after the same thing happened again and MIL didn’t listen/respect her AGAIN on the fifth night. So yeah, OP let it roll off her back “sometimes” and lost patience after a fourth or fifth occurrence of the same annoyance. Shrug. -np

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:We drove 5+ hours to visit ILs with our 4mo baby over Thanksgiving. We stayed in a back bedroom and were as quiet as possible, but of course baby cried a bit at night, especially in a new environment.

EVERY single night, MIL would get up and prowl around and full-voiced ask questions and "check in" when we told her all was under control and to go back to bed. Our routine is that DH changes the diaper while I go to the restroom, and then I breastfeed while DH goes to the restroom and goes back to sleep, then I put the baby down and go back to sleep. The most the crying ever lasted was four minutes. And baby only woke once each night.

ILs sleep with their door open and refused to close it, and also refused my offer of a white noise machine that I brought along, as I could also just use the app on my phone.

Both before the visit and after the first night, we explained our routine and that the crying would only last for a few minutes during the diaper change. Each night, MIL would be walking down the hall toward our bedroom as I went to the bathroom, and I would whisper to her all is well, go back to bed, we've got this.

Finally, on the last night, I had had more than enough of MIL prowling around, speaking loudly and just generally being a nuisance. So when I was walking down the hall, as she loudly asked "What's wrong? What's going on?" I simply brushed past her, said nothing, went to the bathroom, and ignored her again on my way back to the bedroom.

She is now pissed at me, and I'm just as pissed at her. DH is sticking up for me, saying "Mom, we kept telling you it was fine, we asked that you close your door and even offered you a white noise machine." He then added (without asking me) that we won't be visiting again until baby is solidly STTN, that they can visit us if they want because they'll be in our finished basement guest suite and won't hear us upstairs if there is noise in the night.

WWYD?

I think you made a big deal over nothing. MIL was most likely excited to have the new baby in the house and wanted to make sure you had help. Just say you are sleep deprived and apologize if you were rude last night. Pick your battles.

Maybe that excuse flies for the first night. What about all the subsequent nights after OP and DH had repeatedly and clearly communicated what they needed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wanted to help. Give her a break and include her. Geez.

No.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So much drama. Why didn’t you just keep your door closed and not go out in the hallway? You could have waited to use the bathroom once the baby was settled and everyone was back in bed.

Yeah, why did you continue to go out into the hall each night knowing you would meet her there and have to deal with her?

Do you think maybe because OP had to pee and didn’t want to be sitting there uncomfortable, needing to pee for 15 minutes while breastfeeding? -np

They both need to use the bathroom every time the baby wakes up? Weird.

I think a lot of people need to pee in the middle of the night, especially if they are woken up by something other than their body, like a car alarm. I know I do.

So… maybe like MIL, also woken up by something either than her body?

That is harassment?

Right…so maybe MIL could do as she was asked for several nights in a row, and even before the trip commenced, and leave the parents/baby alone during the one night wake up? Maybe? So maybe like MIL could use the restroom and then go back to bed, instead of loudly talking and generally getting in the way when she had already been told multiple times that the parents didn’t want help? Like, maybe?

Like, maybe, but she didn't. Maybe she didn't like being told what to do in her own house, maybe? So, now what? Burn the witch?

DP. It's her house, but it's OP's baby. The grandparents don't get a vote or any control over how the baby is cared for. They were told the routine in advance and told no help was needed multiple nights in a row. What possible reason is there for continuing to harass the parents in the middle of the night?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much drama. Why didn’t you just keep your door closed and not go out in the hallway? You could have waited to use the bathroom once the baby was settled and everyone was back in bed.

Yeah, why did you continue to go out into the hall each night knowing you would meet her there and have to deal with her?

Do you think maybe because OP had to pee and didn’t want to be sitting there uncomfortable, needing to pee for 15 minutes while breastfeeding? -np

They both need to use the bathroom every time the baby wakes up? Weird.

I think a lot of people need to pee in the middle of the night, especially if they are woken up by something other than their body, like a car alarm. I know I do.

So… maybe like MIL, also woken up by something either than her body?

Right…so maybe MIL could do as she was asked for several nights in a row, and even before the trip commenced, and leave the parents/baby alone during the one night wake up? Maybe? So maybe like MIL could use the restroom and then go back to bed, instead of loudly talking and generally getting in the way when she had already been told multiple times that the parents didn’t want help? Like, maybe?

Like, maybe, but she didn't. Maybe she didn't like being told what to do in her own house, maybe? So, now what? Burn the witch?

Oh, there’s no “maybe,” and there’s no “burning.” MIL was free to keep butting in even after she was asked not to. Grandbaby won’t be staying in her home anymore. Oh well! She can roam the halls alone now.

This is why it’s never advisable for Grandparents to have a power struggle with the parents. They cannot win and they do long term damage to the relationship.

OP said they won't stay there until the baby sleeps through the night. Where do you get that the relationship is over? OP isn't as worked up as her supporters here.

I didn’t say over, I said damaged. New babies are an emotional, hormonal time. A wise and supportive MIL follows her son and DIL’s lead so they trust her and find time with her pleasant, which leads to more time with the baby, which leads to a better relationship between MIL and baby, which leads to more trust, etc. Feeling like MIL doesn’t listen to fairly simple requests does the opposite.

Overreacting to petty annoyances doesn't build strong family bonds either. Family can be annoying, you have to let things roll off your back sometimes. Why is this a one way street?

Because MIL is the one who wants something. It doesn’t sound like son or DIL had such a great time they’re desperate to be hosted again/spend more time with MIL right now.

Life changes after having a baby. It's not easy to travel. It's hard to have an baby in the house when you aren't used to it. Everyone needs to adapt to the new reality and be flexible. Scale back the visits for the time being. Isn't there still a pandemic going on? Why travel with an unvaccinated baby anyway?

I’m the PP and I agree they definitely should not be traveling to see MiL, and it sounds like that’s MiLs sons view as well.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much drama. Why didn’t you just keep your door closed and not go out in the hallway? You could have waited to use the bathroom once the baby was settled and everyone was back in bed.

Yeah, why did you continue to go out into the hall each night knowing you would meet her there and have to deal with her?

Do you think maybe because OP had to pee and didn’t want to be sitting there uncomfortable, needing to pee for 15 minutes while breastfeeding? -np

They both need to use the bathroom every time the baby wakes up? Weird.

I think a lot of people need to pee in the middle of the night, especially if they are woken up by something other than their body, like a car alarm. I know I do.

So… maybe like MIL, also woken up by something either than her body?

Right…so maybe MIL could do as she was asked for several nights in a row, and even before the trip commenced, and leave the parents/baby alone during the one night wake up? Maybe? So maybe like MIL could use the restroom and then go back to bed, instead of loudly talking and generally getting in the way when she had already been told multiple times that the parents didn’t want help? Like, maybe?

Like, maybe, but she didn't. Maybe she didn't like being told what to do in her own house, maybe? So, now what? Burn the witch?

Oh, there’s no “maybe,” and there’s no “burning.” MIL was free to keep butting in even after she was asked not to. Grandbaby won’t be staying in her home anymore. Oh well! She can roam the halls alone now.

This is why it’s never advisable for Grandparents to have a power struggle with the parents. They cannot win and they do long term damage to the relationship.

OP said they won't stay there until the baby sleeps through the night. Where do you get that the relationship is over? OP isn't as worked up as her supporters here.

I didn’t say over, I said damaged. New babies are an emotional, hormonal time. A wise and supportive MIL follows her son and DIL’s lead so they trust her and find time with her pleasant, which leads to more time with the baby, which leads to a better relationship between MIL and baby, which leads to more trust, etc. Feeling like MIL doesn’t listen to fairly simple requests does the opposite.

Overreacting to petty annoyances doesn't build strong family bonds either. Family can be annoying, you have to let things roll off your back sometimes. Why is this a one way street?

Sounds like OP let it roll off her back for four nights, and lost patience after the same thing happened again and MIL didn’t listen/respect her AGAIN on the fifth night. So yeah, OP let it roll off her back “sometimes” and lost patience after a fourth or fifth occurrence of the same annoyance. Shrug. -np

Exactly this. There’s only so much one can let roll off their back before you lose your patience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a light sleeper and would be awakened easily by a crying baby down the hall. The groggy sleep of the dead isn't easy for us Olds. My H and I will sometimes have perfectly coherent conversations in the night when one of us simply turns over in bed.

So her impulse to get up and see if she can help probably seems perfectly normal to her. Try to show some compassion for aging parents if you can.

Once AGAIN, they told her repeatedly every night that they did not need or want help and to please go back to bed.

It is not her baby. She is not the parent. Her loud-talking “help” is not required.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:She wanted to help. Give her a break and include her. Geez.

Not OP, but NO. No one needs to have a conversation with me at 3am or prolong the whole episode by trying to “help” change the diaper and taking 5 times as long and waking the baby up fully. No no no and no.

Agree. It is insane to try to interact with someone in the middle of the night when you’ve been warned not to engage repeatedly.

This is the part that many posters seem to be overlooking. MIL was warned ahead of time about the crying and nighttime routine. Then again on the first night. And second night. By getting up and asking “what’s going on? Is everything ok?” on the third or 4th night just makes her oblivious and super annoying.

I’d be pissed too OP. And I think your husband handled it well.

Obviously OP underestimates how disruptive the nighttime routine is. The lesson learned is stay in a hotel. People don't have to be prisoners in their own home because a baby is there.

JFC. Now not getting up nosily and noisily every night to insert yourself where you’ve repeatedly been told your “help” is not needed or wanted is being a “prisoner.”

What abject idiocy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a light sleeper and would be awakened easily by a crying baby down the hall. The groggy sleep of the dead isn't easy for us Olds. My H and I will sometimes have perfectly coherent conversations in the night when one of us simply turns over in bed.

So her impulse to get up and see if she can help probably seems perfectly normal to her. Try to show some compassion for aging parents if you can.

Once AGAIN, they told her repeatedly every night that they did not need or want help and to please go back to bed.

It is not her baby. She is not the parent. Her loud-talking “help” is not required.

I would have altered my routine such that there was as little crying as possible to avoid waking up the MIL since the "routine" obviously played out the same way every night. Screw the bathroom and diaper change, nurse the baby right away, back to sleep, then use the bathroom. Seems like everyone just kept making the same mistakes again and again and expecting a different outcome.

[Anonymous]

Mistakes of first-timers.

1. You don't stay over people's houses when your kid isn't STTN. YOu get a hotel, you get an Airbnb stay home.


2. You don't go to someone else's house and demand they change their routine to accommodate you. You and your DH were rude here.


3. It sounds like your MIL was offering to help, maybe she thought you would appreciate someone else holding the baby or changing a diaper/feeding so you could get some sleep. Given your attitude, you would be here complaining if she didn't offer.

4. You were rude.


5/ How you solve this call MIL apologize for being brusk and pushing her., you were tired and didn't realize how difficult it would be traveling with a new baby. You see now that she was just trying to help and you appreciate that. With that in mind overnight visits will have to wait until baby is sleeping through the night.

[Anonymous]

Hello, welcome to motherhood. This is what MILs do. Also, even when your baby is STTN, she’ll stop whenever you travel. That’s how babies roll. Toddlers do this too. Just to shake things up. Lower your expectations. State your boundaries. Don’t sweat the small stuff.