MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Sorry, sounds like you were the rude one.

Nope, not after several nights of telling her all was well and that they would handle it, AND telling them even before the visit that all would be well and they would handle it. Nope, continuing to bother people when they have a situation totally in hand is not helpful, it's just trying to get attention and "be important." Get your validation elsewhere, and leave parents of babies alone.

Why must you assume the worst of her? Are you that hateful and sad with your life that you assume others are as bad as you? OP, she likely just wants to be involved. Rather than tell her you got it, ask her if she'd like to hold the baby after you're done feeding? Or if she would mind changing the diaper while you go to the bathroom. Wanting to be involved doesn't mean she's trying to be important - it may mean she loves the baby.

NOPE, that just makes life harder for tired mom and dad! They have their routine, they've got it. Grandma can hold the baby during the day and can be helpful during the day. Parents have already said that they don't want "help" in the middle of the night. It was made clear several times. Anyone who wants to "help" parents of babies can start by listening to what the parents say will actually be helpful.

Mom and dad need to figure out a routine where they BOTH aren't getting up together in the middle of the night to tend to 1 baby.

All these ppl second-guessing OP's routine need to STFU. Shocker: what worked for your kid/family may not work for others! 4 months is often a sleep regression. MIL walking around upstairs saying "what's wrong? What's going on" is NOT helping - she's just rubbernecking and wants everyone to know she's awake (and any sleep book will say to keep things as dark and quiet as possible during night wakings). Meanwhile, the sleep-deprived parents managing night wakings in an unfamiliar environment are supposed to be talking her through everything in the middle of the night? Hard no.

I am team OP all the way.

Oh well, people have different opinions. DIL isn't a saint in her own description. But don't let your biases get in your way.

Right back at you.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So much drama. Why didn’t you just keep your door closed and not go out in the hallway? You could have waited to use the bathroom once the baby was settled and everyone was back in bed.

Yeah, why did you continue to go out into the hall each night knowing you would meet her there and have to deal with her?

Do you think maybe because OP had to pee and didn’t want to be sitting there uncomfortable, needing to pee for 15 minutes while breastfeeding? -np

They both need to use the bathroom every time the baby wakes up? Weird.

I think a lot of people need to pee in the middle of the night, especially if they are woken up by something other than their body, like a car alarm. I know I do.

So… maybe like MIL, also woken up by something either than her body?

That is harassment?

Right…so maybe MIL could do as she was asked for several nights in a row, and even before the trip commenced, and leave the parents/baby alone during the one night wake up? Maybe? So maybe like MIL could use the restroom and then go back to bed, instead of loudly talking and generally getting in the way when she had already been told multiple times that the parents didn’t want help? Like, maybe?

Like, maybe, but she didn't. Maybe she didn't like being told what to do in her own house, maybe? So, now what? Burn the witch?

DP. It's her house, but it's OP's baby. The grandparents don't get a vote or any control over how the baby is cared for. They were told the routine in advance and told no help was needed multiple nights in a row. What possible reason is there for continuing to harass the parents in the middle of the night?

You don't get to come to someone's house and demand everything revolves around your routine.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP your responses make it clear how you feel about your MIL. Ask yourself would you be as bitter if it were your own mother? It's a long time you'll have this woman in your life, if you're lucky, so you'd better lose your attitude now if you want your child to have a relationship with her. (And no, I'm not a mother in law, but a mother who couldn't stand her own mother in law.)

My mom listens when I speak and respects my decisions. So there's that. That's what I am bothered by: we communicated before and during the trip. When someone doesn't listen to you or doesn't respect your decisions, it is irritating and hurtful.

I'm not "bitter," I am annoyed and hurt. DH felt the same way--"Why won't she listen?"

I think I'll take the PP's suggestion that we will only stay in a hotel when we visit them, and suggest they stay in a hotel if they don't want to risk hearing a little disturbance until baby is 100% STTN even on travel.

NP - You are way overreacting. New mom syndrome is real. I get you want to respected and listened to, but you are in someone else's home. If MIL gets up and asks if everything is ok and her voice is a little too loud, you need to graciously deal with it. You are sleep deprived and probably hormonal and probably don't like your MIL very much, but this is an overreaction. And then only staying in a hotel when you visit them next will probably hurt their feelings. Is that really worth it? Your husband stuck up for you, there seemed to have been a little annoyance but she's not committing abuse or crimes, so you really should just chill out. Be kind and let it go. You are going to create bigger problems by not being able to rationally react to your in-laws.

Yes.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a light sleeper and would be awakened easily by a crying baby down the hall. The groggy sleep of the dead isn't easy for us Olds. My H and I will sometimes have perfectly coherent conversations in the night when one of us simply turns over in bed.

So her impulse to get up and see if she can help probably seems perfectly normal to her. Try to show some compassion for aging parents if you can.

Once AGAIN, they told her repeatedly every night that they did not need or want help and to please go back to bed.

It is not her baby. She is not the parent. Her loud-talking “help” is not required.

I would have altered my routine such that there was as little crying as possible to avoid waking up the MIL since the "routine" obviously played out the same way every night. Screw the bathroom and diaper change, nurse the baby right away, back to sleep, then use the bathroom. Seems like everyone just kept making the same mistakes again and again and expecting a different outcome.

Anyone who expected me to leave my baby in a soiled diaper so they don’t hear four minutes of crying is someone I can visit overnight once my child is potty trained. My goodness.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:She wanted to help. Give her a break and include her. Geez.

Not OP, but NO. No one needs to have a conversation with me at 3am or prolong the whole episode by trying to “help” change the diaper and taking 5 times as long and waking the baby up fully. No no no and no.

Agree. It is insane to try to interact with someone in the middle of the night when you’ve been warned not to engage repeatedly.

This is the part that many posters seem to be overlooking. MIL was warned ahead of time about the crying and nighttime routine. Then again on the first night. And second night. By getting up and asking “what’s going on? Is everything ok?” on the third or 4th night just makes her oblivious and super annoying.

I’d be pissed too OP. And I think your husband handled it well.

Obviously OP underestimates how disruptive the nighttime routine is. The lesson learned is stay in a hotel. People don't have to be prisoners in their own home because a baby is there.

JFC. Now not getting up nosily and noisily every night to insert yourself where you’ve repeatedly been told your “help” is not needed or wanted is being a “prisoner.”

What abject idiocy.

You are insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a light sleeper and would be awakened easily by a crying baby down the hall. The groggy sleep of the dead isn't easy for us Olds. My H and I will sometimes have perfectly coherent conversations in the night when one of us simply turns over in bed.

So her impulse to get up and see if she can help probably seems perfectly normal to her. Try to show some compassion for aging parents if you can.

Once AGAIN, they told her repeatedly every night that they did not need or want help and to please go back to bed.

It is not her baby. She is not the parent. Her loud-talking “help” is not required.

I would have altered my routine such that there was as little crying as possible to avoid waking up the MIL since the "routine" obviously played out the same way every night. Screw the bathroom and diaper change, nurse the baby right away, back to sleep, then use the bathroom. Seems like everyone just kept making the same mistakes again and again and expecting a different outcome.[/quote


This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a light sleeper and would be awakened easily by a crying baby down the hall. The groggy sleep of the dead isn't easy for us Olds. My H and I will sometimes have perfectly coherent conversations in the night when one of us simply turns over in bed.

So her impulse to get up and see if she can help probably seems perfectly normal to her. Try to show some compassion for aging parents if you can.

Once AGAIN, they told her repeatedly every night that they did not need or want help and to please go back to bed.

It is not her baby. She is not the parent. Her loud-talking “help” is not required.

I would have altered my routine such that there was as little crying as possible to avoid waking up the MIL since the "routine" obviously played out the same way every night. Screw the bathroom and diaper change, nurse the baby right away, back to sleep, then use the bathroom. Seems like everyone just kept making the same mistakes again and again and expecting a different outcome.

Anyone who expected me to leave my baby in a soiled diaper so they don’t hear four minutes of crying is someone I can visit overnight once my child is potty trained. My goodness.

A good mom wouldn't let the baby cry for 4 minutes in any of this. Do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many older people insist on hosting and then make it miserable? Per OP, they knew what the visit would involve in terms of nighttime wake ups, insisted their son, DIL, and new baby stay there, and then refused to accept reasonable boundaries like "please don't disrupt our nighttime routine." I wouldn't stay there under those circumstances - hotel ftw.

But really, what did MIL that was apparently so egregious? She was in the hallway, which seems to be a common hallway Tory bathroom, and was asking if everything was okay. 2 adults getting up and a baby crying is a lot of commotion in the middle of the night. I would expect the baby part, but not everything else that seems to come along with OP and her middle of the night routine.

That. After being told in advance what the routine and how the parents handle it, and then again on EVERY subsequent night, that is what she did wrong. Any other questions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a light sleeper and would be awakened easily by a crying baby down the hall. The groggy sleep of the dead isn't easy for us Olds. My H and I will sometimes have perfectly coherent conversations in the night when one of us simply turns over in bed.

So her impulse to get up and see if she can help probably seems perfectly normal to her. Try to show some compassion for aging parents if you can.

Once AGAIN, they told her repeatedly every night that they did not need or want help and to please go back to bed.

It is not her baby. She is not the parent. Her loud-talking “help” is not required.

I would have altered my routine such that there was as little crying as possible to avoid waking up the MIL since the "routine" obviously played out the same way every night. Screw the bathroom and diaper change, nurse the baby right away, back to sleep, then use the bathroom. Seems like everyone just kept making the same mistakes again and again and expecting a different outcome.

Anyone who expected me to leave my baby in a soiled diaper so they don’t hear four minutes of crying is someone I can visit overnight once my child is potty trained. My goodness.

A good mom wouldn't let the baby cry for 4 minutes in any of this. Do better.

I don’t need to, thankfully, my parents and in laws are respectful, kind people who love their granddaughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much drama. Why didn’t you just keep your door closed and not go out in the hallway? You could have waited to use the bathroom once the baby was settled and everyone was back in bed.

Yeah, why did you continue to go out into the hall each night knowing you would meet her there and have to deal with her?

Do you think maybe because OP had to pee and didn’t want to be sitting there uncomfortable, needing to pee for 15 minutes while breastfeeding? -np

They both need to use the bathroom every time the baby wakes up? Weird.

The fact that breastfeeding OP makes her husband get up every time she nurses the baby at night tells you all you need to know about her. My husband did this the first week or two but certainly not for months and months. Jesus! I also didn’t change the baby’s diaper anymore at that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a light sleeper and would be awakened easily by a crying baby down the hall. The groggy sleep of the dead isn't easy for us Olds. My H and I will sometimes have perfectly coherent conversations in the night when one of us simply turns over in bed.

So her impulse to get up and see if she can help probably seems perfectly normal to her. Try to show some compassion for aging parents if you can.

Once AGAIN, they told her repeatedly every night that they did not need or want help and to please go back to bed.

It is not her baby. She is not the parent. Her loud-talking “help” is not required.

I would have altered my routine such that there was as little crying as possible to avoid waking up the MIL since the "routine" obviously played out the same way every night. Screw the bathroom and diaper change, nurse the baby right away, back to sleep, then use the bathroom. Seems like everyone just kept making the same mistakes again and again and expecting a different outcome.

Anyone who expected me to leave my baby in a soiled diaper so they don’t hear four minutes of crying is someone I can visit overnight once my child is potty trained. My goodness.

A good mom wouldn't let the baby cry for 4 minutes in any of this. Do better.

I don’t need to, thankfully, my parents and in laws are respectful, kind people who love their granddaughter.

Oh, you only have one? Figures. You sounds inexperienced and new to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a light sleeper and would be awakened easily by a crying baby down the hall. The groggy sleep of the dead isn't easy for us Olds. My H and I will sometimes have perfectly coherent conversations in the night when one of us simply turns over in bed.

So her impulse to get up and see if she can help probably seems perfectly normal to her. Try to show some compassion for aging parents if you can.

Once AGAIN, they told her repeatedly every night that they did not need or want help and to please go back to bed.

It is not her baby. She is not the parent. Her loud-talking “help” is not required.

I would have altered my routine such that there was as little crying as possible to avoid waking up the MIL since the "routine" obviously played out the same way every night. Screw the bathroom and diaper change, nurse the baby right away, back to sleep, then use the bathroom. Seems like everyone just kept making the same mistakes again and again and expecting a different outcome.

Anyone who expected me to leave my baby in a soiled diaper so they don’t hear four minutes of crying is someone I can visit overnight once my child is potty trained. My goodness.

A good mom wouldn't let the baby cry for 4 minutes in any of this. Do better.

I don’t need to, thankfully, my parents and in laws are respectful, kind people who love their granddaughter.

Oh, you only have one? Figures. You sounds inexperienced and new to this.

Yup! But learning very quickly to be thankful for my parents and in-laws who would never behave like this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much drama. Why didn’t you just keep your door closed and not go out in the hallway? You could have waited to use the bathroom once the baby was settled and everyone was back in bed.

Yeah, why did you continue to go out into the hall each night knowing you would meet her there and have to deal with her?

Do you think maybe because OP had to pee and didn’t want to be sitting there uncomfortable, needing to pee for 15 minutes while breastfeeding? -np

They both need to use the bathroom every time the baby wakes up? Weird.

I think a lot of people need to pee in the middle of the night, especially if they are woken up by something other than their body, like a car alarm. I know I do.

So… maybe like MIL, also woken up by something either than her body?

That is harassment?

Right…so maybe MIL could do as she was asked for several nights in a row, and even before the trip commenced, and leave the parents/baby alone during the one night wake up? Maybe? So maybe like MIL could use the restroom and then go back to bed, instead of loudly talking and generally getting in the way when she had already been told multiple times that the parents didn’t want help? Like, maybe?

Like, maybe, but she didn't. Maybe she didn't like being told what to do in her own house, maybe? So, now what? Burn the witch?

DP. It's her house, but it's OP's baby. The grandparents don't get a vote or any control over how the baby is cared for. They were told the routine in advance and told no help was needed multiple nights in a row. What possible reason is there for continuing to harass the parents in the middle of the night?

You don't get to come to someone's house and demand everything revolves around your routine.

It's a few minutes in the middle of the night to attend to bodily needs, and OP and her husband told his parents in advance about this routine, offered to stay in a hotel, and were pressured to stay there. If you don't want parents of a young baby tending to its needs as they see fit, don't pressure them to stay with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mistakes of first-timers.

1. You don't stay over people's houses when your kid isn't STTN. YOu get a hotel, you get an Airbnb stay home.


2. You don't go to someone else's house and demand they change their routine to accommodate you. You and your DH were rude here.


3. It sounds like your MIL was offering to help, maybe she thought you would appreciate someone else holding the baby or changing a diaper/feeding so you could get some sleep. Given your attitude, you would be here complaining if she didn't offer.

4. You were rude.


5/ How you solve this call MIL apologize for being brusk and pushing her., you were tired and didn't realize how difficult it would be traveling with a new baby. You see now that she was just trying to help and you appreciate that. With that in mind overnight visits will have to wait until baby is sleeping through the night.

Nope, MIL being pushy and loud and not listening to or respecting her guests’ wishes was also rude. OP/her husband offered to stay in a hotel, and it was the ILs who asked for baby to stay under their roof. Oh well! No more overnight visits with your grandbaby. Bet the other set of parents who listen and respect the new parents will get more time and overnight visits with grandbaby. MIL and FIL will have to content themselves with hotel visits, or they can darn well drive five hours themselves. Oh well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much drama. Why didn’t you just keep your door closed and not go out in the hallway? You could have waited to use the bathroom once the baby was settled and everyone was back in bed.

Yeah, why did you continue to go out into the hall each night knowing you would meet her there and have to deal with her?

Do you think maybe because OP had to pee and didn’t want to be sitting there uncomfortable, needing to pee for 15 minutes while breastfeeding? -np

They both need to use the bathroom every time the baby wakes up? Weird.

The fact that breastfeeding OP makes her husband get up every time she nurses the baby at night tells you all you need to know about her. My husband did this the first week or two but certainly not for months and months. Jesus! I also didn’t change the baby’s diaper anymore at that point.

Yes it tells you she’s practicing egalitarian parenting. It’s 2021 we do that now! My husband did every nighttime diaper change— but he never took a turn nursing...and believe it or not I didn’t have to “make” him want to care for his child