DH says he doesn't want more kids until we're settled, but he's the one who quit his job at age 38

[Anonymous]

We are 38. Our DD is 21 months. I asked DH when we should try TTC DC2, and he said when we're more settled. He left his job last year and is in a new lower paying field. There is potential for income growth eventually, but he will be lucky to make as much as in the field he left. I have been considering changing jobs within my own field, possibly in a different part of the country, but have a stable job I don't hate that brings in 80 percent of our income. He thinks we'll be more settled in 2 or 3 years and since he really wants to leave the area, he thinks I should find a job somewhere else first (ignoring the fact that I have paid maternity at my current job but probably wouldn't be entitled to much in a new job). I am well-qualified, but my field is fairly specialized so jobs aren't easy to find. And I have a project at work that I should really see through so can't leave for at least 6 months. I told him we don't have the luxury of waiting that long, and he blew off my fertility concerns. The subtext of the discussion was that he only wants one child, but he is too chickenshit to say so because he definitely wanted two before. We can afford a second child, but just barely. Now I'm so pissed I cant see straight! Please either talk me down or validate my anger.

[TheManWithAUsername]

I wouldn't assume his reasoning is pretextual. My wife regularly imagines subtext in what I (and other people) say, and I've known women who do it far more than she.

Re his job, did you tell him before he changed that you were likely to carry a resentment about it? Have you told him that you don't want to move (if that's true - you state that it's something that HE wants to do)? You two may want to resolve that conflict as a top priority.

If you haven't been honest and direct with him about those things, who's been chickenshit here?

He's obviously wrong about the fertility issue. Just pull the stats on that and show him.

I bet that he sees your lives as more stressful than you do. He may see more stress as a danger to your marriage, or at least your marital bliss. If you are in fact going to move, having a baby when you already have a toddler is a lot on top of that.

There's nothing wrong with him changing his mind about a second child. If in fact he has, he should be direct about that, of course. But it's perfectly believable that he does in fact just think that it's a bad time, and that he's rationalizing or simply wrong about the fertility issue.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the reasonable response. I have calmed down somewhat. We agreed we wouldn't move until June 2013 at the earliest (this is due to a constraint he had about not leaving his new job in the new field too soon, which I supported). I passed up applying for a good job in a great location earlier this fall because of his desire not to move now. Alternatively, he says if he stay here we have to have a house first. But we can't really afford the type of house he wants in the neighborhood he wants -- he is pickier than I am -- due to his reduced salary. So by saying that we can't even start trying until June 2013 (really June 2014 because I wouldn't want to go on maternity leave right after starting a new job), I feel like he is either running out the clock or incredibly clueless about fertility. He claims he's seen the fertility stats and "it's not a big deal."

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, if you really want another child, now is the time. If your hubby says he doesn't get the fertility issue - you just need to tell him that it is a FACT and that you know best and you are not listening to him because he is unknowledgeable about this subject. Don't even bother to argue - you know it's true and that is that. I have seen a few friends have no luck after this age. Others are fine. It's a gamble but how are you to know if you have time enough or not. The chances are not on your side after 38 so I would go with that (the averages). Discuss with your hubby if he is on board with having another one (at all) then it's in your hands and you decide on the timing - now sooner than later. These men often just don't get it. Then regrets happen later on down the road. Good luck to you.

[TheManWithAUsername]

Anonymous wrote:I passed up applying for a good job in a great location earlier this fall because of his desire not to move now. Alternatively, he says if he stay here we have to have a house first. But we can't really afford the type of house he wants in the neighborhood he wants -- he is pickier than I am -- due to his reduced salary.

You seem to simultaneously refer to some decisions having been made yet attribute them to/blame them on him. I think you need to make decisions jointly - with full honesty, of course - and own them jointly afterwards. It's not clear from your description whether you weren't perfectly clear about your wishes, whether he refused to weigh them, some combination or something different.

I understand that it may be be easy for me to say "make decisions jointly." DW and I haven't had strong disagreement about issues this important, but there have been times when I've grudgingly chosen to defer to DW's preferences before, and when I do I have to take responsibility for that and agree to accept the consequences.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like he is either running out the clock or incredibly clueless about fertility. He claims he's seen the fertility stats and "it's not a big deal."

Either is believable. As I said, in my very limited experience women seem often to unfairly suspect the former. Instead of taking his word for it re him seeing the stats, I would bring them to him and push for a discussion about them with them in front of both of you. Unfortunately, some people just aren't responsive to statistics, and as you suspect it may all be pretense, but maybe you'll get somewhere or get more information.

Anonymous wrote:If your hubby says he doesn't get the fertility issue - you just need to tell him that it is a FACT and that you know best and you are not listening to him because he is unknowledgeable about this subject. Don't even bother to argue - you know it's true and that is that.

FWIW, I would never accept that approach from anyone on any subject. Bluntly stating that you know best wouldn't get you anywhere with me, certainly not into bed to impregnate you.

[Anonymous]

You make 80% if the household income, yet you are deferring to him on all of the decisions?

Will you marry me? Sounds like a cushy life.

[Anonymous]

I'd ignore what he says in order to get at what it means.

La, la, la, [the preconditions]...I'm actually nervous about becoming a Dad.

Or something along those lines. What are the feelings that he's using these words to hide?

[Anonymous]

I would not assume he's playing out the clock on fertility, OP. We've had 8 miscarriages (starting at age 38) and it has stunned me how little my DH actually knows about female anatomy and fertility. I really think there's stuff that women hear about constantly that just never gets communicated to men so what they don't know is a LOT. Plus, your DH is probably assuming that because you guys already have one kid, it'll be no problem to have the second. This is going to make it difficult to convince him that he needs to learn more about the fertility stuff and to take this conversation about having the 2nd kid more seriously. Unfortunately, the other problem is that your husband (if he is like mine) probably sees you as biased and may be assuming that anything you say about fertility is simply part of you trying to convince him, not the actual reality. Do you like your ob/gyn, OP? Maybe you can make an appointment with him or her and your DH and just ask your questions about fertility and family planning and see what s/he says. Independent medical advice could bring a lot of reality to this conversation. After you see the doc tho, resist the temptation to convince your DH - do NOT talk about fertility or trying again - and just let the information stew for awhile. He'll come around.

[Anonymous]

That should read: 38. I hate that stupid auto smiley face. ^^

[TheManWithAUsername]

Anonymous wrote:
I'd ignore what he says in order to get at what it means.

La, la, la, [the preconditions]...I'm actually nervous about becoming a Dad.

Or something along those lines. What are the feelings that he's using these words to hide?

Not to drag this too far off track, but this is exactly the approach that has driven me - in the past - and other men insane and made communication literally impossible. If you will ignore everything your man says in lieu of "what it means," how is he supposed to reliably communicate anything? The only rational response to that approach is to shut up to avoid misinterpretation, which will of course lead to complaints about his refusal to engage. And along with that approach is usually a corollary that the man is responsible for understanding what the woman is "really saying" despite her refusal to state it simply and clearly.

We developed language for a reason.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he is making all the decisions: about moving, job, and TTC #2. I think the real issue is exploring whether he really wants another child or not. He may not be on a position to know, since it sounds like he wants all his ducks in a row before that happens, but that is not possible in life. However, it seems to me that he's made the decision to change careers (with your blessing), and he's vetoed a move for a new job for you.

I agree that many men are clueless about fertility. THey see a lot of ppl conceiving at 40, and assume it just happens. They don't always know the miscarriages, the IVFs, the people who haven't conceived at all despite treatments, etc. Take him to an OB/GYN appt and discuss the issue with the doctor.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, if you really want another child, now is the time. If your hubby says he doesn't get the fertility issue - you just need to tell him that it is a FACT and that you know best and you are not listening to him because he is unknowledgeable about this subject. Don't even bother to argue - you know it's true and that is that. I have seen a few friends have no luck after this age. Others are fine. It's a gamble but how are you to know if you have time enough or not. The chances are not on your side after 38 so I would go with that (the averages). Discuss with your hubby if he is on board with having another one (at all) then it's in your hands and you decide on the timing - now sooner than later. These men often just don't get it. Then regrets happen later on down the road. Good luck to you

This is pretty bad advice. Clearly, OP, he is not on board with having another child. So, you will need to accept this, or leave him and have another on your own or with someone else who wants one. Making him a parent when he doesn't want to be is not at all good for your relationship.

And being unilateral about important decisions is never a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Your husband isn't interested in having a second child. He knows you will be very disappointed if he is upfront about it.

He is happy with a wife and child. He is happy, it seems, in his new career. When you say he wants to leave the area, I'm guessing he wants a less congested, less expensive place to live.

He wants to be content and create a simpler life. I understand his position very well.

[Anonymous]

"He wants to be content and create a simpler life. I understand his position very well."

Ditto.

[Anonymous]

"We developed language for a reason."

OMG, I think I'm going to stencil this onto my living room wall. Thanks, Man!

OP, I don't think the issue is whether to have a second child. It sounds like there are some pretty big power and communication struggles going on in your marriage. I think you need to start with that.