DH says he doesn't want more kids until we're settled, but he's the one who quit his job at age 38

[Anonymous]

Dude don't want a second kid that bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband isn't interested in having a second child. He knows you will be very disappointed if he is upfront about it.

He is happy with a wife and child. He is happy, it seems, in his new career. When you say he wants to leave the area, I'm guessing he wants a less congested, less expensive place to live.

He wants to be content and create a simpler life. I understand his position very well.

And you know all of this how?

[Anonymous]

I'd accidentally get pregnant now. Easier to move and start a new job with a baby than to take maternity leave soonish into a new job. Plus you've already been through it once and know what it will probably be like. Your husband can watch the new baby after you move until he finds a job in the new location.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd accidentally get pregnant now. Easier to move and start a new job with a baby than to take maternity leave soonish into a new job. Plus you've already been through it once and know what it will probably be like. Your husband can watch the new baby after you move until he finds a job in the new location.

Worst.advice.ever.

Really, OP, having two is a lot of work. And you ain't spring chickens. You and DH need to have a REAL discussion where you both honestly talk about whether 2 kids is what you BOTH want, and what sacrifices you are willing to make in order to attain that.

You clearly want 2 badly; he clearly doesn't consider it a priority. Perhaps it's about fertility, but Dude Ain't Dumb (or so we hope). Certainly you know at least a handful of people who have done IVF.

Leave your kid with a sitter and have an adult night out. Go for a walk and TALK about this. Don't assume that he's clueless, or that he's on board with what you want. Ask him an open-ended question and wait for his answer. You know, like this: 'I want to make sure we are clear about what we both want from our family life. Do you want another kid or are you happy with 1?' Only you know him and whether he's up front and honest or whether you'll have to drill down with more questions and disclaimers (I won't get angry, promise!...etc).

Lots of people on this board have told stories about how X many kids was the straw that broke the camel's back in their marriage. No matter which way you cut it, it's more stress, more money, less time alone or as a couple...the list goes on. You need to find your middle ground as a family. For example, my DH REALLY REALLY wanted 2, and I was happy with 1 but willing to have 2 to make him happy. He is a great, involved Dad and helps out as much as he is able (not that we're the perfect family, he has ADD and we both work FT, but we moved closer to family and that eased the stress immensely). His parents are a huge part of our family unit. Figure out what your family needs. If another kid is going to create infinite resentment and stress, than how is that fair to your DH and your one DC? It's not an easy situation but it's hard to foresee before you're in the thick of it. And once you go down that road, there's no going back.

Signed,

someone who DID accidentally get pregnant with #2 and HOLY CRAP we didn't realize how good we had it with just 1 and why everyone waits till #1 is 3+ yo...

[Anonymous]

Update from OP: DH and I revisited the topic of a second kid this week, and we agreed we are ready to TTC. In the past seven months he has relaxed on the idea that we need to own a house before having a second child, I relaxed because I could see the benefits of one child, and both of us became less interested in wanting to move to another area. By the time any new baby is on the scene, he will be basically done with the work commitment, and DD will be over 3 years old. We have saved a bit of money since we first discussed this 7 months ago and are generally feeling more secure. I feel bad for thinking his reasons were pretextual but am glad I didn't explode at the time (not really my style). In our case it turns out that tabling the subject for a while was the right choice.Now we'll just have to see if I can get pregnant at almost-39.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the update, OP! Hope it all goes well with the trying.

[Anonymous]

OP, why can't you just be content with one kid, when it is clear that 1) you DH is not enthusiastic about a second kid, to put it lightly 2) you cannot easily afford it financially 3) DH does not seem a very stable and reliable person?
But anyway, good luck with whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

Great news, OP! I wish you the best of luck!! Thanks for providing an update.

[Anonymous]

I hate to say this, but you don't have time to be more "settled" to have another kid when you are 38! If you want another, you have to do it now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Update from OP: DH and I revisited the topic of a second kid this week, and we agreed we are ready to TTC. In the past seven months he has relaxed on the idea that we need to own a house before having a second child, I relaxed because I could see the benefits of one child, and both of us became less interested in wanting to move to another area. By the time any new baby is on the scene, he will be basically done with the work commitment, and DD will be over 3 years old. We have saved a bit of money since we first discussed this 7 months ago and are generally feeling more secure. I feel bad for thinking his reasons were pretextual but am glad I didn't explode at the time (not really my style). In our case it turns out that tabling the subject for a while was the right choice.Now we'll just have to see if I can get pregnant at almost-39.

i was able to do this but it was hard and took fertility treatments.