How to make a kid feel better about the college options they have

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disappointment here is rough. We all know (even DC) that they will get over it. But there is no excitement. DC was accepted to two foundational schools, deferred one; WL one target and reject two others; rejected two reaches.

He has excellent stats including 1500+ SAT. DC private. I’m a little worried the lesson he will learn is, “I worked my ass off when I could have been goofing off more, and I still only got in the same school as Larlo who has way worse grades and doesn’t try.”

I guess the next step would be if they are really that exceptional than they should be able to dominate at University of Disgruntled Children and get into an amazing grad school right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Disappointment here is rough. We all know (even DC) that they will get over it. But there is no excitement. DC was accepted to two foundational schools, deferred one; WL one target and reject two others; rejected two reaches.

He has excellent stats including 1500+ SAT. DC private. I’m a little worried the lesson he will learn is, “I worked my ass off when I could have been goofing off more, and I still only got in the same school as Larlo who has way worse grades and doesn’t try.”

I guess the next step would be if they are really that exceptional than they should be able to dominate at University of Disgruntled Children and get into an amazing grad school right?

I’ve no doubt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought that superior college counseling was one of the highlights of a top private school. How could the counselor tell OP's daughter that Grinnell is a safety school, especially in this environment? They had 10,400 applications this year -- the acceptance rate will likely end up being in the teens.

OP, did your daughter get a generous merit aid award from Grinnell? If she didn't, she's not near the top of the school's applicant pool. They are very generous with merit aid when they really want a student.

But they want them for a reason relevant to either special needs of the school (a flautist for orchest) or for reporting to the USN&WR to climb those ranks. Those items can be URM, hooked in other ways, legacy, extraordinary high GPA, perfect SATs or ACTs, first-generation, low-income Pell grant (doesn't sound applicable); yield if OP's DD made it clear she would attend if accepted.

Grinnell, like most schools, considers the top of the applicant pool to be the applicants with the best academic profile. They don't give merit aid if you're a flautist with a 28 on the ACT, for example. I was asking the question because OP has described Grinnell as a safety school, but Grinnell is very generous with merit aid even to applicants with plenty of money. So, if OP's daughter wasn't offered a nice merit package it's because she wasn't at the top of the pool and the school clearly wasn't a safety. I continue to be at a loss as to how the counselor at a so-called Big 5 could tell the OP's daughter that Grinnell is a safety school for anyone.

[Anonymous]

This is the most entitled poster I've ever read on DCUM, and believe me, that's saying something.
Opened this thread, thinking it would be about a kid with few and poor options. Not a kid who felt like they DESERVED an Ivy, and has three amazingly strong offers from excellent schools.
EVERY kid who applies to an Ivy has stats and activities as high or higher than your daughter. EVERY single one has worked just as hard as your daughter. Many have these stats, but without the ultra-privileged background and advantages that your daughter had. And the vast majority of them won't get offers. As previous posters have said, at some point, it's just a LOTTERY.
It's a tough lesson, but we all have to learn that sometimes hard work and desire sometimes aren't enough. And, since she doesn't seem to have learned this preschool lesson, "You get what you get, and you don't get upset."
I'd suggest that as a parent, you model a good attitude by not dwelling on the rejections. Even if the counselor misled you, the university led you on, and no matter how much you feel your daughter deserved a spot, etc--move past it. Visit the colleges she's been accepted at, try to find students or alum who've gone there who would be willing to share their experiences, remain enthusiastic about the choice process. And give it time--most kids will fall in love with the college they accept, especially if you don't make it seem like a lesser choice.

[Anonymous]

What does "foundational school" mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does "foundational school" mean?

People are trying out new words to avoid saying safety. We need to do away with the safety notion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disappointment here is rough. We all know (even DC) that they will get over it. But there is no excitement. DC was accepted to two foundational schools, deferred one; WL one target and reject two others; rejected two reaches.

He has excellent stats including 1500+ SAT. DC private. I’m a little worried the lesson he will learn is, “I worked my ass off when I could have been goofing off more, and I still only got in the same school as Larlo who has way worse grades and doesn’t try.”

The mistake is in thinking college acceptances, or life, is purely a rank by numbers game. It only gets less "fair" (meaning predictable) from here on out, so get used to it.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but the numbers just aren’t good enough for an Ivy. Be grateful for the Monroe Scholar thing. Sounds very lucky to have goteen that.

[Anonymous]

Guessing UVA said no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to a big three, a couple decades ago. I kind of understand what you mean about working so hard. I got up at 6:30 in the morning and frequently did not go to bed until 1 o’clock at night. I worked all the time. I did sports, orchestra, drama, choir. I did community service. I got good grades. I want up going to a top 15 small liberal arts college, but not Amherst or Yale etc. Ultimately the sleep deprivation and constant stress did not seem worth it. I could’ve just focused on my grades and done one or two extracurriculars I actually enjoyed and gone to a school that was almost as good as the one I went to. I got waitlisted at three Ivies but did not get off the waitlist. My take away was to not do very many extracurriculars in college.

OP here: I have read through all the posts (and my own, which are mangled by my poor late-night grammar), but I think this one really encapsulates how she feels, for better or for worse. If she had known that she was going to wind-up at a school of this level, she feels she would have weighted her priorities differently and enjoyed life a bit more. As it stands, she's put everything into schoolwork and extracurrculars, and hasn't exactly reaped the benefits of this hard work. For what it's worth, I'd be perfectly happy for her to go to William and Mary, especially compared to these SLACs I don't know much about. Also, her counselor did class these schools as safeties for her stats, and it seems this was accurate in regard to her results at these schools.

Again: it doesn’t sound like the profile quite reached the very top schools. Sorry. W&M showers Monroe Scholars with attention. My gut would be to go there if the other places don’t work out, do well, and transfer out of it still matters at that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but the numbers just aren’t good enough for an Ivy. Be grateful for the Monroe Scholar thing. Sounds very lucky to have goteen that.

I agree. I have a kid with similar stats. Ivy would only be on the table if the kid had a hook or did something truly exceptional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but the numbers just aren’t good enough for an Ivy. Be grateful for the Monroe Scholar thing. Sounds very lucky to have goteen that.

they're good enough, but if the kid isn't bringing anything else to the table, scores are irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

OP, you want to know what gutted feels like? I was accepted to two top 25 schools coming out of a public high school from an UMC family. I hadn't received any grooming with zero SAT courses, tutors or advisors. I l sorted it all on my own, working my tail off and figuring out the logistics with no guidance or support. After receiving my acceptances, my father told me that he didn't believe in girls spending money on college because they "just end up staying home with kids anyways." He refused to spend even a cent on college for me. I had no idea prior to this point that he wouldn't support me attending college--he apparently had assumed that I wouldn't get it anywhere.

I moved out the morning after high school graduation, got a job and saved every penny. I attended a bottom third tier university that gave me massive merit aid, as I didn't qualify for need based aid based on my father's income. I worked three jobs most of college to afford to live.

I graduated top in my college class, won a Rhodes scholarship, got a PhD from Nobel Prize winner, and have a very successful career. I still don't speak to my father.

Your daughter has it easy. She should go to one of those tops schools and enjoy her privilege.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you want to know what gutted feels like? I was accepted to two top 25 schools coming out of a public high school from an UMC family. I hadn't received any grooming with zero SAT courses, tutors or advisors. I l sorted it all on my own, working my tail off and figuring out the logistics with no guidance or support. After receiving my acceptances, my father told me that he didn't believe in girls spending money on college because they "just end up staying home with kids anyways." He refused to spend even a cent on college for me. I had no idea prior to this point that he wouldn't support me attending college--he apparently had assumed that I wouldn't get it anywhere.

I moved out the morning after high school graduation, got a job and saved every penny. I attended a bottom third tier university that gave me massive merit aid, as I didn't qualify for need based aid based on my father's income. I worked three jobs most of college to afford to live.

I graduated top in my college class, won a Rhodes scholarship, got a PhD from Nobel Prize winner, and have a very successful career. I still don't speak to my father.

Your daughter has it easy. She should go to one of those tops schools and enjoy her privilege.

Deep, your story is like a Lifetime movie mixed with an evil Hallmark movie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you want to know what gutted feels like? I was accepted to two top 25 schools coming out of a public high school from an UMC family. I hadn't received any grooming with zero SAT courses, tutors or advisors. I l sorted it all on my own, working my tail off and figuring out the logistics with no guidance or support. After receiving my acceptances, my father told me that he didn't believe in girls spending money on college because they "just end up staying home with kids anyways." He refused to spend even a cent on college for me. I had no idea prior to this point that he wouldn't support me attending college--he apparently had assumed that I wouldn't get it anywhere.

I moved out the morning after high school graduation, got a job and saved every penny. I attended a bottom third tier university that gave me massive merit aid, as I didn't qualify for need based aid based on my father's income. I worked three jobs most of college to afford to live.

I graduated top in my college class, won a Rhodes scholarship, got a PhD from Nobel Prize winner, and have a very successful career. I still don't speak to my father.

Your daughter has it easy. She should go to one of those tops schools and enjoy her privilege.

You sound super cool. Congratulations on all that you have achieved. Perhaps with age you will develop some sympathy for your father (though your bitterness is understandable). Think of him as being vision-impaired. It sounds like he literally did not know what the world could be. Somehow you did, and made it happen. Perhaps your life opened his eyes? You may want to explore that possibility before it is too late.