How to make a kid feel better about the college options they have

[Anonymous]

Does your child go to an all girls school O.P.?it is much harder for girls to get into top colleges without a hook. When they are at an all girls school, the college admissions people sort them by comparing with each other. Mine went to NCS/Holton + got into Ivy but other equally qualified unhooked kids ended up with choices much worse than your d.d. such as High Point U. that I had never heard of. My advicevto your d.d. is go to W+M-- do very well + go to Ivy for grad school. Other girls did that from d.d.'s school. Ignore the haters on this thread. Good luck to your d.d.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to Grinnell!!

OP I hear what you are saying, but damn those are such good options. I can understand being disappointed with your choices, but there is a limit!

Reminds me of my brother who went into a severe depression over his Harvard rejection (this was years ago, but still). He just couldn't believe it. Got into other ives, but no....angry and b*tchy all summer! I was like, wow what a tool. He wound up at Duke and had a great experience.

Like I said, it's sad when you don't get what you want but this is a little beyond. It's not Arizona State (no offense to anyone but you know what I mean.) It's not even... idk BU or American. It's Grinnell and Skidmore and Monoroe Scholars for goodness sakes!

Can you explain what is wrong with BU?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your child go to an all girls school O.P.?it is much harder for girls to get into top colleges without a hook. When they are at an all girls school, the college admissions people sort them by comparing with each other. Mine went to NCS/Holton + got into Ivy but other equally qualified unhooked kids ended up with choices much worse than your d.d. such as High Point U. that I had never heard of. My advicevto your d.d. is go to W+M-- do very well + go to Ivy for grad school. Other girls did that from d.d.'s school. Ignore the haters on this thread. Good luck to your d.d.

??? The first level competition from ANY school is your own classmates —all girls, all boys, both, public, private. That is not a girl’s school issue. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Please consider encouraging your DD not to go to W&M. My DC is a Monroe scholar too and has a number of excellent choices. I would be thrilled if they chose W&M with this honor (and this not about the cost--we have no problem paying for an Ivy) and would prefer they attended with students who have the right attitude.

-mom with two Ivy degrees (who perhaps knows better because I've attended one)

Is there a typo here? "not to go to W&M"?

No typo. I'm not going to tell my kid what to do but I'm really hoping they choose to go there as a Monroe scholar. And therefore not to have to hang out with ultra-privileged kids who are unhappy to be there, which I find eye-popping.[/quote

I agree, my kid is also a Monroe Scholar, they are going to choose another school because it is a better fit but they are honored and humbled to be accepted to W&M and especially as a MS. Our child understands the significance of the honor and yes, stats, test scores and EC's are far superior in a VA Governor's School to OP's DD.

[Anonymous]

OP, your DD was poorly served by her counselor. This year of all years she shouldn't have wasted her ED chances on reaches. I'm sorry that happened. Also, many top schools are admitting fewer kids this year because they had so many gap year kids. If your DD is truly unhappy with her choices then she can take a gap year and reapply next year - this time applying ED to one of the schools she considers a match (which I gather are pretty highly ranked schools looking at the ones she had as safeties).

I will tell you, though, that I've had a kid at a school that would've been on your reach list and one at W&M, and there's not a whole lot of difference between the quality of education that they received, nor their graduate outcomes. Just something to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went to a big three, a couple decades ago. I kind of understand what you mean about working so hard. I got up at 6:30 in the morning and frequently did not go to bed until 1 o’clock at night. I worked all the time. I did sports, orchestra, drama, choir. I did community service. I got good grades. I want up going to a top 15 small liberal arts college, but not Amherst or Yale etc. Ultimately the sleep deprivation and constant stress did not seem worth it. I could’ve just focused on my grades and done one or two extracurriculars I actually enjoyed and gone to a school that was almost as good as the one I went to. I got waitlisted at three Ivies but did not get off the waitlist. My take away was to not do very many extracurriculars in college.

OP here: I have read through all the posts (and my own, which are mangled by my poor late-night grammar), but I think this one really encapsulates how she feels, for better or for worse. If she had known that she was going to wind-up at a school of this level, she feels she would have weighted her priorities differently and enjoyed life a bit more. As it stands, she's put everything into schoolwork and extracurrculars, and hasn't exactly reaped the benefits of this hard work. For what it's worth, I'd be perfectly happy for her to go to William and Mary, especially compared to these SLACs I don't know much about. Also, her counselor did class these schools as safeties for her stats, and it seems this was accurate in regard to her results at these schools.

Jesus Christ.

And mother of Joseph! The more the OP writes, the worse they look. Yikes.

No kidding, what a bunch of tools. Like your kid is the only one who worked hard and didn't get into Harvard. The fact you don't know much about Grinnell and Skidmore says a lot about you. Do us all a favor and take a gap year. Make it somewhere that sounds cool so you can brag about when you talk to the other striver moms.

[Anonymous]

I thought that superior college counseling was one of the highlights of a top private school. How could the counselor tell OP's daughter that Grinnell is a safety school, especially in this environment? They had 10,400 applications this year -- the acceptance rate will likely end up being in the teens.

OP, did your daughter get a generous merit aid award from Grinnell? If she didn't, she's not near the top of the school's applicant pool. They are very generous with merit aid when they really want a student.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought that superior college counseling was one of the highlights of a top private school. How could the counselor tell OP's daughter that Grinnell is a safety school, especially in this environment? They had 10,400 applications this year -- the acceptance rate will likely end up being in the teens.

OP, did your daughter get a generous merit aid award from Grinnell? If she didn't, she's not near the top of the school's applicant pool. They are very generous with merit aid when they really want a student.

But they want them for a reason relevant to either special needs of the school (a flautist for orchest) or for reporting to the USN&WR to climb those ranks. Those items can be URM, hooked in other ways, legacy, extraordinary high GPA, perfect SATs or ACTs, first-generation, low-income Pell grant (doesn't sound applicable); yield if OP's DD made it clear she would attend if accepted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go to Grinnell!!

OP I hear what you are saying, but damn those are such good options. I can understand being disappointed with your choices, but there is a limit!

Reminds me of my brother who went into a severe depression over his Harvard rejection (this was years ago, but still). He just couldn't believe it. Got into other ives, but no....angry and b*tchy all summer! I was like, wow what a tool. He wound up at Duke and had a great experience.

Like I said, it's sad when you don't get what you want but this is a little beyond. It's not Arizona State (no offense to anyone but you know what I mean.) It's not even... idk BU or American. It's Grinnell and Skidmore and Monoroe Scholars for goodness sakes!

Can you explain what is wrong with BU?

Uhhh nothing? Nothing is wrong with Arizona State or American, either. I would just choose OP's kid's choices over those schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here: I have read through all the posts (and my own, which are mangled by my poor late-night grammar), but I think this one really encapsulates how she feels, for better or for worse. If she had known that she was going to wind-up at a school of this level, she feels she would have weighted her priorities differently and enjoyed life a bit more. As it stands, she's put everything into schoolwork and extracurrculars, and hasn't exactly reaped the benefits of this hard work. For what it's worth, I'd be perfectly happy for her to go to William and Mary, especially compared to these SLACs I don't know much about. Also, her counselor did class these schools as safeties for her stats, and it seems this was accurate in regard to her results at these schools.

You DO realize that if she had "weighted her priorities differently" she probably wouldn't be into W&M Monroe Scholars? These schools just didn't decide not to accept your kid because hmm, i dunno they didn't like her name? They had a reason they felt was valid, full stop. Forget about what the counselor says, shouldn't have listened to them anyway. Our counselor told my daughter she wasn't going to have a chance at the school she ended up getting into. They are human and this is an unusual year. She obviously should have had a more realistic expectation of what her options were going be.

My son is 7 of his class of over 400+, 4.6 GPA and rising, varsity athlete, strong ECs, wrote great essays... he didn't shoot for Ivy Leagues or even top 20 schools, though he could have. He was REALISTIC and wanted to go somewhere that was a match. He applied ED and got in. I asked him after he got his decision if he regretted not shooting higher, and he looked at me and said, "um no? I'm psyched!" SO much of what the kid thinks comes from YOU, the parent. If they sense that YOU are disappointed in them, that is very bad. Your only job is to help set their expectations if they aim too high so you don't have a heartbroken kid on your hands.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]Then she was led astray, by you and the counselor, or others, about the fact that top schools are a LOTTERY, and that top schools in the USA in particular have this cruel practice of leading on academically-strong kids but actually admitting athletes, legacies and donors' kids before them. Harvard rejects more valedictorians than it admits.

Additionally, many students work as hard as your child and achieve much less!!!
My own teenager has a high IQ but has several learning differences. He works extremely hard (he's working right now, in the dead of night), and for what? He's never going to get the scores and overall achievements your child has. But he's a perfectionist nonetheless and wants to do the work.

So... please don't believe your child was somehow cheated of a spot at a top university due to her hard work and achievements. It doesn't work like that. Her hard word stands on its own as a monument to her willpower, intelligence and dedication. It will serve her well throughout her life.
^^ This, I'm afraid. Or maybe you told her this and she didn't listen or didn't want to believe it. When you are a high achiever in HS and are led to believe you can go anywhere you want, you tend to believe it, at that age.

[Anonymous]

OP, sorry but you’re way late to the party. This question would have been better asked a year ago. At this point it’s about helping DD feel grateful for her 3 excellent options. None of them are beneath her. You should have set clearer expectations earlier but now all you can do is help her feel grateful for what she has. My DD is waiting to her from her reach but not expecting to get in. I told her when she submitted the app that it was a long shot for every kid and her qualifications looked like most every other applicant. Apply, but apply knowing you have a single digit chance of getting in.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you because you cant control what tape is playing in your kid's head...BUT when she applied both of you needed more of a reality check. I am sorry that your counsellor did not provide that. Perhaps he/she is beaten down by elite parents flying off the handle if he/she implies that their kid is unlikely to get into an IVY (like all applicants).

In a way though, your kid must have made a pretty decent list of school, because she has options. That is really the goal. I feel for excellent students who are REALLY misguided and get in nowhere. Your child has options, and they are options she selected (presumably), so she should feel proud and in charge of her own destiny.

(And I also agree with the posters who have noted that learning how to cope with disappointment is a great life lesson. Maybe share with her examples from your life, that worked out despite initial disappointment, perhaps for the best?)

[Anonymous]

I feel for you OP and your child We faced a similar situation with DC two years ago, and I realize admissions seemingly gets worse every year. My DC was a stand out in HS ( I have two older children and there was no comparison and the older two would agree)- stellar grades & scores, very strong ECS, won awards etc, etc. DC wanted to go to Ivy or similar, and school thought that was right way to go and apply. Well DC had no legacy, not an athlete, not a minority, and no special hook - just outstanding merits and ended up on waitlists at an ivy and other top ranked school but never got off the list. DC ended up at a big public university and is thriving-even during the pandemic. I see that DC tries for many things in college- gets some and doesn't get other, but just picks back up and starts again. That's a great life lesson to get out of an awful & stressful time, but in the long run, will serve my DC very well.

[Anonymous]

Disappointment here is rough. We all know (even DC) that they will get over it. But there is no excitement. DC was accepted to two foundational schools, deferred one; WL one target and reject two others; rejected two reaches.

He has excellent stats including 1500+ SAT. DC private. I’m a little worried the lesson he will learn is, “I worked my ass off when I could have been goofing off more, and I still only got in the same school as Larlo who has way worse grades and doesn’t try.”