Disgusted by Wife’s Obesity But Don’t Want a Divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re never going to win this battle on DCUM. You may as well walk into a Baptist megachurch and ask them how to get your wife to be more Catholic.

Lol...I think if you asked DCUM how to get your Baptist wife to be more Catholic, you would get exclusively harsh responses. There IS this idea that we have all internalized that fat is bad. There responses are much more like if you asked a Catholic Church how to get your wife to be more Catholic. A few gentle ideas, a few stories of conversion, a few harsh critics of Baptists, and a few people saying that you shouldn’t find your wife disgusting no matter what her faith.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, Woman here. I just wanted to offer support.

5'6" I am now 140 pounds and attractive. I've been 185 pounds. It was not a good look. I was a blob with low energy and I had a lot of fatigue.

On a shorter woman the extra 40 pounds really is not a good look.

There is a lot in the news about those with some extra weight being high risk during times of Covid.

Maybe start a conversation with that.

Lol. But he’s clearly not concerned about her health. He’s concerned that she’s less f*ckable (to him). She will see through his concern trolling in a nanosecond.

+1 The lady knows what kind of man she is married to.

Why are women so offended by what normal men find attractive? You seem to understand and be willing/able to do this before marriage. Watch her lose 50 pounds within weeks of their divorce.

"Normal" men honor their vows and do not feel disgusted by their wives. Op is the one with the problem, actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tyring to think what would get me off my tuckus to embrace change like this, with young kids.


Make doing things "together" the issue and the "things" are walking, swimming, hiking, etc. Don't go to cardio and weight lifting yet. Offer to get the kids ready, take them along, hire a sitter, or trade outdoor activity time for mommy down time.
And talk about alcohol over use.
Can you prepare snacks and leave them around? My kids will eat an apple if I cut it up, snow peas or snap peas if I wash them and leave then in a bowl, etc.
Does she see a family doctor? Can you make an appt with teh same doctor and ask for help with this? Dr. can make the focus blood pressure, diabetes, etc.

If she still won't try then you involve a marital therapist.

Really?
I would respond to my husband having actually done the work and research on what changes your weight set point and actually works, having the name of a counselor who deals with the mental issues surrounding weight loss, and having a plan on where to find the tome and money to make it happen.

If he just came to me with one more issue, and laid it at my feet to figure out how to make it happen, I would give a sincere attempt, but it likely wouldn’t last long.

I have found that my husband has responded the same way when I have wanted something from him. Help with housekeeping, for example. I didn’t “engage him in cleaning as a family.” I had a plan for what I needed someone to do, how to find a good person, and how I was going to come up with the money to pay for it.

This, OP. How would you want her to ask you to make more money? Would you just want her to tell you how important it is to you, how she doesn’t find you as attractive, and it’s just biology? Or would you want a list of ads for higher paying jobs in your field, time to work on your resume and applications, and sincere support with childcare, housework, and sex/emotional support throughout the interview process?

Also, this stuff with encouraging family hikes is ridiculous and passive aggressive. It would be like her hiding ads for better paying jobs in your sock drawer.

Agree with both. It’s stupid to think you’re going to solve the problem by finding the perfect way of phrasing it. It’s going to take a massive overhaul of her eating habits. That’s not going to magically happen because you found just the right comment.

+2. This is going to take some real effort. I don’t think you can expect her to just do it unless you are willing to meet her halfway. One comment or one conversation isn’t going to be the end of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope she divorces you and finds some man who likes a little more cushion for the pushin

I’m 30 lbs over what I should be and my husband thinks I’m HOT! Lots going on in the bedroom. I work out 3 days a week. If he wasn’t attracted to me I’d find someone who was.

[Anonymous]

Big girls need lovin too, but not from me...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, Woman here. I just wanted to offer support.

5'6" I am now 140 pounds and attractive. I've been 185 pounds. It was not a good look. I was a blob with low energy and I had a lot of fatigue.

On a shorter woman the extra 40 pounds really is not a good look.

There is a lot in the news about those with some extra weight being high risk during times of Covid.

Maybe start a conversation with that.

Lol. But he’s clearly not concerned about her health. He’s concerned that she’s less f*ckable (to him). She will see through his concern trolling in a nanosecond.

+1 The lady knows what kind of man she is married to.

Why are women so offended by what normal men find attractive? You seem to understand and be willing/able to do this before marriage. Watch her lose 50 pounds within weeks of their divorce.

"Normal" men honor their vows and do not feel disgusted by their wives. Op is the one with the problem, actually.

Oh please. I’m a woman. I think my husband’s beer belly is gross and unattractive. Normal people don’t like it when their spouses let themselves go. That’s a fact.

Now, am I going to blow up my family because of my husband’s big belly? Absolutely not. I’ll deal. But I don’t like it.

[Anonymous]

If she's drinking a lot of wine, that is the main issue. It affects liver health and starts a cascade of hormonal issues. It also prevents restorative sleep, which leads to poor blood sugar control and over eating. I'd start by asking her to stop drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she's drinking a lot of wine, that is the main issue. It affects liver health and starts a cascade of hormonal issues. It also prevents restorative sleep, which leads to poor blood sugar control and over eating. I'd start by asking her to stop drinking.

This. How much is her drinking? How large are her "pours" of wine into a wine glass? Wine glasses of today hold about 2-1/2 servings of wine compared to wine glasses of the 80's (smaller) which held one serving.

[Anonymous]

Wine also lowers inhibitions which means overeating also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, Woman here. I just wanted to offer support.

5'6" I am now 140 pounds and attractive. I've been 185 pounds. It was not a good look. I was a blob with low energy and I had a lot of fatigue.

On a shorter woman the extra 40 pounds really is not a good look.

There is a lot in the news about those with some extra weight being high risk during times of Covid.

Maybe start a conversation with that.

Lol. But he’s clearly not concerned about her health. He’s concerned that she’s less f*ckable (to him). She will see through his concern trolling in a nanosecond.

+1 The lady knows what kind of man she is married to.

Why are women so offended by what normal men find attractive? You seem to understand and be willing/able to do this before marriage. Watch her lose 50 pounds within weeks of their divorce.

Physically impossible to lose 50 lbs in a few weeks but hey don’t let that stop you from preaching.

No one said he has to be attracted to her. It’s the demonizing her that people object to. If this is such a problem for him then he should divorce her. I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who thought I was disgusting.

[Anonymous]

This chubby wife needs love too like the earlier pp said. Lol. I can’t take poor hygiene or poor bedroom skills. If my husband can’t make the big O happen regularly it’s not going to work for me. Bad breath is also a dealbreaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The idea of getting a sitter is a good one but don’t tie it to work out time.

I am 40 lbs overweight and knew it but it was just one more thing to figure out and work on on top of everything else. By the end of an exhausting day, it was always the thing that fell to last place. It was only when we made lifestyle changes and I was able to get some time for me that I was able to make it a priority. And it didn’t happen in a couple weeks. It took a couple months to just decompress, reduce anxiety, and let me get to a place of when I had free time I could truly focus on eating better and exercise.

Wow that’s a lot of excuses.

[Anonymous]

I had this coworker who would talk about his wife’s beautiful eyes, then bring up her only issue, her cellulite. He was so physically unattractive!

[Anonymous]

Overweight woman here, imagine if your spouse stopped taking proper care of his teeth. You couldn't enjoy kissing anymore and even being in the car together became stinky. Your attempts to talk to him about it are ignored. You are no longer attracted to him. He refuses to do anything about it. What do you do? I think excessive weight gain is similar. Sure, none of us is 20 years old anymore, but some self care/maintenance is no an unreasonable expectation of a spouse.

Glad I am divorced!

[Anonymous]

Married woman in her 40s with two kids here.

You are correct to be disappointed. Best way, really, is to lead by example, even if you don’t particularly need to lose weight.

Take an extra interest in eating healthy for the whole family. Look into healthier meals and cook them. Look into healthier snacks and swap those for the carbs that are the typical snacks. More fruit, veggies, and cheese, less granola bars and cookies.

As for exercise, don’t you dare specifically ask her to exercise. It will backfire. Instead, take an interest in family hikes, bike rides, or just long neighborhood walks. I personally took up Geocaching and it’s now a family activity that forces us to go on long walks/hikes.

Yourself, take up some sort of exercise routine. Include the kids and invite her.

The easiest is to do morning walks. Start getting up early (before kids wake) and do a morning walk for 30 minutes, increase to an hour, share how it really helps you clear your mind and gives more energy. Then offer to handle the kids in the morning for her to do the same -don’t expect her to get up early yet. Once she does it, offer to take turns each morning.

Lastly, beverages. This may be the hardest habit to drop. Essentially, drop all beverages aside from plain old water. Naturally, work up to it. There are sooo many calories in beverages and if you compare how far you have to walk/run to burn them off, it’s astounding. Start the habit yourself. Casually mention it. Ask her to support you by not tempting you with sweetened beverages so ask to stop buying them.

Main approach, start with yourself. Focus on health. You do love her. It is apparent. Still tell her that. Share that she is beautiful. Boost her confidence and she will naturally return to wanting to look good for you and for herself.

Good luck!