husband wants to keep baby and I don't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s no middle ground, I’m afraid. One or potentially all of you is going to be unhappy no matter how your proceed. Contact a divorce lawyer and a family therapist today. You’re going to need both. Good luck!

This. This is your body so ultimately you get to decide to have the baby or not.

The baby has a body also. There are two bodies here.

Nope. 1) There is no baby. Just a clump of cells. 2) The woman has to consent to carrying those cells and in this case the woman does not. The woman’s choice will ALWAYS come first. ALWAYS.

\\

100% There is no baby. And everything else written after that statement!

Then POOF! Magic happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s your body.

And her husband's baby and her DD's sibling.

Neither allows them to decide to go through with the pregnancy. This is solely OP’s decision.

Disagree.

Oh really? So is OP’s DD going to carry the child? Is her husband going to give birth and deal with all associated postpartum recovery including at work? Remind me again how the daughter and husband have any say in what happens to OP’s body?

I don’t think OP listed any of those as her reasons for not wanting kids. I’m sure we can list 50-100 potential reasons, but they aren’t OP’s reasons.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is such a sad situation for everyone. You changed your kinda about having a child before, so there is a precedent for change. People can and do change. It’s amazing that spouses expect their partners to stay static — in thinking, in appearance, etc. You decide for yourself, but I hope you and DH come to some amicable agreement, but I have my doubts.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s no middle ground, I’m afraid. One or potentially all of you is going to be unhappy no matter how your proceed. Contact a divorce lawyer and a family therapist today. You’re going to need both. Good luck!

This. This is your body so ultimately you get to decide to have the baby or not.

The baby has a body also. There are two bodies here.

Nope. 1) There is no baby. Just a clump of cells. 2) The woman has to consent to carrying those cells and in this case the woman does not. The woman’s choice will ALWAYS come first. ALWAYS.

DP. I am very pro-choice and agree with you that it is ultimately OP’s decision whether to continue this pregnancy. What happens after that is not entirely in her control, though. Her husband would be entirely within his rights to file for divorce over this, and OP would be powerless to stop it. If OP’s daughter ever found out about it, she may have her own feelings about OP’s choice that could affect her relationship with OP. So while the ultimate decision is OP’s, I think it’s important for her to be realistic about how the various scenarios might play out as part of her decision-making.

Both of those scenarios are far superior to OP being forced to have a second, unwanted child and for said child to enter into a world having been so unwanted.

Unless you are OP, you don’t know that choosing to have the baby would be worse than the alternatives. Part of being pro-choice is accepting that it’s OP’s choice to make, whether it’s the same one you think you would make or not.

Exactly. Glad you agree. OP has said she wants an abortion. So posting comments that she should continue with the pregnancy, that it’s her husband and daughters decision as well, are inappropriate and uncalled for.

OP has stated she wants to terminate AND have her DH be onboard and not divorce or have any consequence for her decision to terminate. However, she doesn't get both. I think many posters are pointing out that each choice (to have or not) has consequences beyond the immediate decision. For example, If she and her DH divorce, the financial hit to her DC may be similar to "sharing the pot".

Quit making things up. OP has said none of the bold. Try reading what OP wrote and stop bringing your anti-choice agenda into this thread.

+!00

Agree too. It's more like OP took husband at his word, and he's flipped. That's jarring for anyone, not that she wants him on board with "her agenda." She thought "they" had an agenda.

OP’s husband already changed his mind once about having kids (hence the 11yo), so it’s a little ridiculous for her to claim she never could have imagined he would change his mind again.

Taking him at his word/promise is not ridiculous. It's sad to me that he would flip on that. Whether he would really like another child or not, he did promise her. And he's now going back on that. That's a huge promise to break. You should be able to believe that he meant what he said, hence her reason for telling him. So not only is he breaking his promise, he's staking the entire marriage on his ability to break that promise. This is why I think the marriage is doomed.

There’s a difference between agreeing not to try for another child, and deciding to terminate an existing pregnancy. I am completely pro-choice, and I have taken permanent measures to avoid getting pregnant again, but if I turned out to be the 1 in 1000 for whom it failed, I don’t know that I could bring myself to have an abortion. I’m not the only person who feels that way, and OP’s husband may be another.

Yes and no. One and done means one and done. No additional child. Nada. Zip. So, however that happens, he agreed to not do this again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You get an abortion, he gets a divorce and you both live happily ever after.

And you split your monies 50-50 in the divorce.

There goes the inheritance! The DH will split that among the 2-3 kids he has with DW#2.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like there will be more of an inheritance if you stay married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the whole “my body my choice” thing. Really, I do. But in a situation like this it really is just a little more complicated. Is it really fair to say that the husband’s opinion should not count at all, ever? Really?

In this situation? Yes. Because again, OP has to consent to carrying a child and she does not. No matter how you spin your anti-choice arguments, OP is the one to make the decision here because IT’S HER BODY.

Isn't it an implied consent when you agree to have a sex with a man who has no vasectomy and you have not permanent BC in place? Any reasonable human would assume it might result in pregnancy. She already made her decision by using HER BODY during the sex.

TT

That's not how Pro Choice works.

Stop shaming her!

You are completely wrong.

Where did you see shaming? She made her choice, she chose to have sex that resulted in ... surprise! a pregnancy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s no middle ground, I’m afraid. One or potentially all of you is going to be unhappy no matter how your proceed. Contact a divorce lawyer and a family therapist today. You’re going to need both. Good luck!

This. This is your body so ultimately you get to decide to have the baby or not.

The baby has a body also. There are two bodies here.

Nope. 1) There is no baby. Just a clump of cells. 2) The woman has to consent to carrying those cells and in this case the woman does not. The woman’s choice will ALWAYS come first. ALWAYS.

DP. I am very pro-choice and agree with you that it is ultimately OP’s decision whether to continue this pregnancy. What happens after that is not entirely in her control, though. Her husband would be entirely within his rights to file for divorce over this, and OP would be powerless to stop it. If OP’s daughter ever found out about it, she may have her own feelings about OP’s choice that could affect her relationship with OP. So while the ultimate decision is OP’s, I think it’s important for her to be realistic about how the various scenarios might play out as part of her decision-making.

Both of those scenarios are far superior to OP being forced to have a second, unwanted child and for said child to enter into a world having been so unwanted.

Unless you are OP, you don’t know that choosing to have the baby would be worse than the alternatives. Part of being pro-choice is accepting that it’s OP’s choice to make, whether it’s the same one you think you would make or not.

Exactly. Glad you agree. OP has said she wants an abortion. So posting comments that she should continue with the pregnancy, that it’s her husband and daughters decision as well, are inappropriate and uncalled for.

OP has stated she wants to terminate AND have her DH be onboard and not divorce or have any consequence for her decision to terminate. However, she doesn't get both. I think many posters are pointing out that each choice (to have or not) has consequences beyond the immediate decision. For example, If she and her DH divorce, the financial hit to her DC may be similar to "sharing the pot".

Quit making things up. OP has said none of the bold. Try reading what OP wrote and stop bringing your anti-choice agenda into this thread.

+!00

Agree too. It's more like OP took husband at his word, and he's flipped. That's jarring for anyone, not that she wants him on board with "her agenda." She thought "they" had an agenda.

OP’s husband already changed his mind once about having kids (hence the 11yo), so it’s a little ridiculous for her to claim she never could have imagined he would change his mind again.

Taking him at his word/promise is not ridiculous. It's sad to me that he would flip on that. Whether he would really like another child or not, he did promise her. And he's now going back on that. That's a huge promise to break. You should be able to believe that he meant what he said, hence her reason for telling him. So not only is he breaking his promise, he's staking the entire marriage on his ability to break that promise. This is why I think the marriage is doomed.

There’s a difference between agreeing not to try for another child, and deciding to terminate an existing pregnancy. I am completely pro-choice, and I have taken permanent measures to avoid getting pregnant again, but if I turned out to be the 1 in 1000 for whom it failed, I don’t know that I could bring myself to have an abortion. I’m not the only person who feels that way, and OP’s husband may be another.

Yes and no. One and done means one and done. No additional child. Nada. Zip. So, however that happens, he agreed to not do this again.

And now he’s changed his mind. OP controls her own decisions, but can’t control his feelings or decisions. They both get to make their own choices. You don’t have to like his choices, but your opinion of his choices means precisely zero here, especially since he isn’t even here to hear you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the whole “my body my choice” thing. Really, I do. But in a situation like this it really is just a little more complicated. Is it really fair to say that the husband’s opinion should not count at all, ever? Really?

In this situation? Yes. Because again, OP has to consent to carrying a child and she does not. No matter how you spin your anti-choice arguments, OP is the one to make the decision here because IT’S HER BODY.

Isn't it an implied consent when you agree to have a sex with a man who has no vasectomy and you have not permanent BC in place? Any reasonable human would assume it might result in pregnancy. She already made her decision by using HER BODY during the sex.

TT

That's not how Pro Choice works.

Stop shaming her!

You are completely wrong.

Where did you see shaming? She made her choice, she chose to have sex that resulted in ... surprise! a pregnancy!

Ok, still Pro Choice! She has the absolute right to terminate if she wants to.

Yes, I get it's complicated. Still her body her choice!

[Anonymous]

OP, yes it is your body and ultimately your decision. But if you felt strongly enough about “no more kids” that you are willing to tear your family apart, why didn’t you get sterilized? Or why didn’t DH get sterilized?

I had a mid-40s surprise pregnancy that almost broke me. I was kicking myself every day for not making time for DH to get a vasectomy (which he was totally willing to do). Fast-forward almost 12 years and I am nearing age 56. We have four kids, with one out of college and one in elementary school. Some of my friends have grandchildren near the age of my youngest DS.

It has been hard, I cannot lie. But if I had to unring the bell, if I could do that, would I do that? Absolutely not. The love for your child will come, just as it did for your DD.

Go ahead and do as you wish, because that IS your right. But really, you could have prevented this upheaval and you need to own that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the whole “my body my choice” thing. Really, I do. But in a situation like this it really is just a little more complicated. Is it really fair to say that the husband’s opinion should not count at all, ever? Really?

In this situation? Yes. Because again, OP has to consent to carrying a child and she does not. No matter how you spin your anti-choice arguments, OP is the one to make the decision here because IT’S HER BODY.

You obviously have some issues that you are projecting onto OP and into this situation.

Absolutely, the husband has a say here.

Classic DCUM response!

And nope. He still has no say. Feel free to post the legal or medical requirement that says otherwise. We’ll wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s your body.

And her husband's baby and her DD's sibling.

Neither allows them to decide to go through with the pregnancy. This is solely OP’s decision.

Disagree.

Oh really? So is OP’s DD going to carry the child? Is her husband going to give birth and deal with all associated postpartum recovery including at work? Remind me again how the daughter and husband have any say in what happens to OP’s body?

I don’t think OP listed any of those as her reasons for not wanting kids. I’m sure we can list 50-100 potential reasons, but they aren’t OP’s reasons.

Those are reality, or have you never been pregnant? If OP’s daughter and husband have a say, then tell us oh wise one who gets to array the child and deal with the aftermath? Hint, it’s not OP since she doesn’t want to be pregnant and no one can force her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s your body.

And her husband's baby and her DD's sibling.

Neither allows them to decide to go through with the pregnancy. This is solely OP’s decision.

Disagree.

Oh really? So is OP’s DD going to carry the child? Is her husband going to give birth and deal with all associated postpartum recovery including at work? Remind me again how the daughter and husband have any say in what happens to OP’s body?

I don’t think OP listed any of those as her reasons for not wanting kids. I’m sure we can list 50-100 potential reasons, but they aren’t OP’s reasons.

Those are reality, or have you never been pregnant? If OP’s daughter and husband have a say, then tell us oh wise one who gets to array the child and deal with the aftermath? Hint, it’s not OP since she doesn’t want to be pregnant and no one can force her.

DP, but JFC we get it already. Yes, no one can force OP to have an abortion. But other people get to have their own feelings about whatever choice OP makes, and it’s up to OP (not you) to decide whether and how that will factor into her decision making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the whole “my body my choice” thing. Really, I do. But in a situation like this it really is just a little more complicated. Is it really fair to say that the husband’s opinion should not count at all, ever? Really?

In this situation? Yes. Because again, OP has to consent to carrying a child and she does not. No matter how you spin your anti-choice arguments, OP is the one to make the decision here because IT’S HER BODY.

You obviously have some issues that you are projecting onto OP and into this situation.

Absolutely, the husband has a say here.

Classic DCUM response!

And nope. He still has no say. Feel free to post the legal or medical requirement that says otherwise. We’ll wait.

Giant smile on my face! Thank you for posting! Well said! +1

[Anonymous]

Skipped to the end here: OP originally said no kids. Then had one who is now 11, and has an accidental pregnancy. I can fully understand not wanting to start all over again with an infant that was unplanned. I think that OP would probably get over the regret of an abortion faster than the many many years ahead of raiding another child. It’s her body and we all know that the woman does both the pregnancy and the work of child rearing. Yes Dads help but the burden is on the woman. It’s ok OP to make a hard decision.