husband wants to keep baby and I don't

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I understand the whole “my body my choice” thing. Really, I do. But in a situation like this it really is just a little more complicated. Is it really fair to say that the husband’s opinion should not count at all, ever? Really?

In this situation? Yes. Because again, OP has to consent to carrying a child and she does not. No matter how you spin your anti-choice arguments, OP is the one to make the decision here because IT’S HER BODY.

Isn't it an implied consent when you agree to have a sex with a man who has no vasectomy and you have not permanent BC in place? Any reasonable human would assume it might result in pregnancy. She already made her decision by using HER BODY during the sex.

TT

That's not how Pro Choice works.

Stop shaming her!

You are completely wrong.

Where did you see shaming? She made her choice, she chose to have sex that resulted in ... surprise! a pregnancy!

She was using birth control that worked effectively for 12 years. I'd say it is a pretty big surprise!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Skipped to the end here: OP originally said no kids. Then had one who is now 11, and has an accidental pregnancy. I can fully understand not wanting to start all over again with an infant that was unplanned. I think that OP would probably get over the regret of an abortion faster than the many many years ahead of raiding another child. It’s her body and we all know that the woman does both the pregnancy and the work of child rearing. Yes Dads help but the burden is on the woman. It’s ok OP to make a hard decision.

+1

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It’s your body.

And her husband's baby and her DD's sibling.

Neither allows them to decide to go through with the pregnancy. This is solely OP’s decision.

Disagree.

Oh really? So is OP’s DD going to carry the child? Is her husband going to give birth and deal with all associated postpartum recovery including at work? Remind me again how the daughter and husband have any say in what happens to OP’s body?

I don’t think OP listed any of those as her reasons for not wanting kids. I’m sure we can list 50-100 potential reasons, but they aren’t OP’s reasons.

Those are reality, or have you never been pregnant? If OP’s daughter and husband have a say, then tell us oh wise one who gets to array the child and deal with the aftermath? Hint, it’s not OP since she doesn’t want to be pregnant and no one can force her.

DP, but JFC we get it already. Yes, no one can force OP to have an abortion. But other people get to have their own feelings about whatever choice OP makes, and it’s up to OP (not you) to decide whether and how that will factor into her decision making.

Actually you don’t. Or there wouldn’t be post after post saying that the husband and daughter have a choice here. Having feelings is not the same as having a choice, which is what has routinely been posted.

And you’re going to have to point out where I say that it’s my decision? I do not have a say here, not have I ever said that I did. I will continue to say that this is only OP’s choice. If you don’t like it, then leave the thread.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:There’s no middle ground, I’m afraid. One or potentially all of you is going to be unhappy no matter how your proceed. Contact a divorce lawyer and a family therapist today. You’re going to need both. Good luck!

This. This is your body so ultimately you get to decide to have the baby or not.

The baby has a body also. There are two bodies here.

Nope. 1) There is no baby. Just a clump of cells. 2) The woman has to consent to carrying those cells and in this case the woman does not. The woman’s choice will ALWAYS come first. ALWAYS.

DP. I am very pro-choice and agree with you that it is ultimately OP’s decision whether to continue this pregnancy. What happens after that is not entirely in her control, though. Her husband would be entirely within his rights to file for divorce over this, and OP would be powerless to stop it. If OP’s daughter ever found out about it, she may have her own feelings about OP’s choice that could affect her relationship with OP. So while the ultimate decision is OP’s, I think it’s important for her to be realistic about how the various scenarios might play out as part of her decision-making.

Both of those scenarios are far superior to OP being forced to have a second, unwanted child and for said child to enter into a world having been so unwanted.

Unless you are OP, you don’t know that choosing to have the baby would be worse than the alternatives. Part of being pro-choice is accepting that it’s OP’s choice to make, whether it’s the same one you think you would make or not.

Exactly. Glad you agree. OP has said she wants an abortion. So posting comments that she should continue with the pregnancy, that it’s her husband and daughters decision as well, are inappropriate and uncalled for.

OP has stated she wants to terminate AND have her DH be onboard and not divorce or have any consequence for her decision to terminate. However, she doesn't get both. I think many posters are pointing out that each choice (to have or not) has consequences beyond the immediate decision. For example, If she and her DH divorce, the financial hit to her DC may be similar to "sharing the pot".

Quit making things up. OP has said none of the bold. Try reading what OP wrote and stop bringing your anti-choice agenda into this thread.

+!00

Agree too. It's more like OP took husband at his word, and he's flipped. That's jarring for anyone, not that she wants him on board with "her agenda." She thought "they" had an agenda.

OP’s husband already changed his mind once about having kids (hence the 11yo), so it’s a little ridiculous for her to claim she never could have imagined he would change his mind again.

Taking him at his word/promise is not ridiculous. It's sad to me that he would flip on that. Whether he would really like another child or not, he did promise her. And he's now going back on that. That's a huge promise to break. You should be able to believe that he meant what he said, hence her reason for telling him. So not only is he breaking his promise, he's staking the entire marriage on his ability to break that promise. This is why I think the marriage is doomed.

There’s a difference between agreeing not to try for another child, and deciding to terminate an existing pregnancy. I am completely pro-choice, and I have taken permanent measures to avoid getting pregnant again, but if I turned out to be the 1 in 1000 for whom it failed, I don’t know that I could bring myself to have an abortion. I’m not the only person who feels that way, and OP’s husband may be another.

Yes and no. One and done means one and done. No additional child. Nada. Zip. So, however that happens, he agreed to not do this again.

And now he’s changed his mind. OP controls her own decisions, but can’t control his feelings or decisions. They both get to make their own choices. You don’t have to like his choices, but your opinion of his choices means precisely zero here, especially since he isn’t even here to hear you.

None of our opinions mean jack here at the end of the day.
My comment stemmed from the "it's ridiculous she took him at his word" comment. I'm simply saying his "changing his mind" went from "I agree to this one child, no more, I promise" to "I've not only changed my mind, I'm going to divorce you if you don't do what I want." Seems sort of like a massive flip to me, and she thought this whole time they were on the same page. I would personally feel betrayed and shell shocked if I'm OP, and yes, that's my opinion.

[Anonymous]

I’m not crazy about DH threatening divorce over this. It’s her body. He’s making it HIS decision.

[Anonymous]

Do what you want with your body. Divorce the sob.

[Anonymous]

OP is bring sensible to think about the financial implications. Maybe she’s not rich like many on DCUM. In any case another child is a lot of money. Our public school told us it’s approximately $2M per child birth to adulthood. That’s a lot more than a divorce costs.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for you, OP. Feel bad that you and your DH are on such different pages about fundamentals of life. I agree with others that marital therapy is critical at this point. A good therapist will help you navigate this situation and beyond that, figure out where to go with your life.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Your one child’s inheritance is your main concern? How about focusing on the great aspects of having a sibling instead.

My favorite saying about siblings: only your sibling will remember your childhood and what your parents were like as parents. Only siblings will ever know the whole story of your life intimately.

Plus my best friend in the world is an only child. Now that her parents are hitting their 80s, the burden of taking care of them is entirely on her. She has watched my siblings and me care for both of our parents through their final illnesses, and she is seeing her DH and their siblings cope with their parents. And she is alone in this burden. Both her DH and I are as helpful and supportive as we can be, but it’s not the same. It absolutely concerns me about what happens for her when they are gone, too. That’s far more important than an inheritance for a competent adult.

Having a sibling is not a reason for OP to continue the pregnancy.

But having her current only child have an inheritance is a reason to terminate??? Really? They are two sides of the same coin.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Your one child’s inheritance is your main concern? How about focusing on the great aspects of having a sibling instead.

My favorite saying about siblings: only your sibling will remember your childhood and what your parents were like as parents. Only siblings will ever know the whole story of your life intimately.

Plus my best friend in the world is an only child. Now that her parents are hitting their 80s, the burden of taking care of them is entirely on her. She has watched my siblings and me care for both of our parents through their final illnesses, and she is seeing her DH and their siblings cope with their parents. And she is alone in this burden. Both her DH and I are as helpful and supportive as we can be, but it’s not the same. It absolutely concerns me about what happens for her when they are gone, too. That’s far more important than an inheritance for a competent adult.

Having a sibling is not a reason for OP to continue the pregnancy.

But having her current only child have an inheritance is a reason to terminate??? Really? They are two sides of the same coin.

It doesn't matter what her reasons are. They are hers to decide. Her body, her choice, no judgement.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It’s your body.

And her husband's baby and her DD's sibling.

Neither allows them to decide to go through with the pregnancy. This is solely OP’s decision.

Disagree.

Oh really? So is OP’s DD going to carry the child? Is her husband going to give birth and deal with all associated postpartum recovery including at work? Remind me again how the daughter and husband have any say in what happens to OP’s body?

I don’t think OP listed any of those as her reasons for not wanting kids. I’m sure we can list 50-100 potential reasons, but they aren’t OP’s reasons.

Those are reality, or have you never been pregnant? If OP’s daughter and husband have a say, then tell us oh wise one who gets to array the child and deal with the aftermath? Hint, it’s not OP since she doesn’t want to be pregnant and no one can force her.

DP, but JFC we get it already. Yes, no one can force OP to have an abortion. But other people get to have their own feelings about whatever choice OP makes, and it’s up to OP (not you) to decide whether and how that will factor into her decision making.

Actually you don’t. Or there wouldn’t be post after post saying that the husband and daughter have a choice here. Having feelings is not the same as having a choice, which is what has routinely been posted.

And you’re going to have to point out where I say that it’s my decision? I do not have a say here, not have I ever said that I did. I will continue to say that this is only OP’s choice. If you don’t like it, then leave the thread.

First, as I noted, I'm a different poster, so pay attention and stop misattributing comments. Second, I didn't say they got to control OP's decision, but her husband (and her child, if she ever finds out) do get their own feelings and can make their own choices about what to do in response. I don't know what you think would stop OP's husband from filing for divorce if she has an abortion. Please show me the law that would prevent that.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You could live to be 100 yrs old or older. Your kid better be able to support herself without the inheritance. Ultimately it is your choice. Make sure you are okay being a single parent though.

And your kid will have to take care of you all by herself.

Luckily when my mom was dying of breast cancer I had my sister around for support and to share the work load.

There is nothing written down to say that children have to take care of their parents. Ridiculous.

No, there isn’t. But you must hate your parents if you aren’t helping them in their old age. Most of us aren’t that dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Your one child’s inheritance is your main concern? How about focusing on the great aspects of having a sibling instead.

My favorite saying about siblings: only your sibling will remember your childhood and what your parents were like as parents. Only siblings will ever know the whole story of your life intimately.

Plus my best friend in the world is an only child. Now that her parents are hitting their 80s, the burden of taking care of them is entirely on her. She has watched my siblings and me care for both of our parents through their final illnesses, and she is seeing her DH and their siblings cope with their parents. And she is alone in this burden. Both her DH and I are as helpful and supportive as we can be, but it’s not the same. It absolutely concerns me about what happens for her when they are gone, too. That’s far more important than an inheritance for a competent adult.

Having a sibling is not a reason for OP to continue the pregnancy.

But having her current only child have an inheritance is a reason to terminate??? Really? They are two sides of the same coin.

It doesn't matter what her reasons are. They are hers to decide. Her body, her choice, no judgement.

True in theory, but in this case there are huge consequences that also affect her and her family. Given the current situation, there's no way she ends up with a termination and happy marriage and intact family. I have sympathy for the OP, but it's not simply all about "me me me".

[Anonymous]

Troll

[Anonymous]

I may inherit more than a million and I may inherit nothing, but if you told me I could guarantee it was the million by giving up my sister I’d tell you to GFY.