When the Other Woman meets your kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really struggled with whether or not to tell the kids. Even the experts don't seem to agree on this.

You may find this useful -- I know I did: https://www.chumplady.com/2019/05/dear-chump-lady-do-i-tell-the-kids-about-the-cheating/

Kids need is one sane parent — you’re it.

As for how much of the cheating to tell them about? At their ages, they may already know or have suspected. My son was 9 when it happened to me, so he got the rated-G version. I told him: when you get married, you promise not to have any boyfriends or girlfriends that aren’t your spouse. You’re each other’s special person, that’s what being faithful is. (***) cheated, and lied, and I’m going to be really sad and upset for awhile, but you’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. We’ll figure this out.

...
People disagree with whether or not to tell children about infidelity. My opinion is that it’s not okay to gaslight children, even with the best of intentions. I believe you should tell them in age-appropriate ways, without editorializing

Kids have no reason to be told any details of their parents sex lives no matter what. It is damaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really struggled with whether or not to tell the kids. Even the experts don't seem to agree on this.

You may find this useful -- I know I did: https://www.chumplady.com/2019/05/dear-chump-lady-do-i-tell-the-kids-about-the-cheating/

Kids need is one sane parent — you’re it.

As for how much of the cheating to tell them about? At their ages, they may already know or have suspected. My son was 9 when it happened to me, so he got the rated-G version. I told him: when you get married, you promise not to have any boyfriends or girlfriends that aren’t your spouse. You’re each other’s special person, that’s what being faithful is. (***) cheated, and lied, and I’m going to be really sad and upset for awhile, but you’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. We’ll figure this out.

...
People disagree with whether or not to tell children about infidelity. My opinion is that it’s not okay to gaslight children, even with the best of intentions. I believe you should tell them in age-appropriate ways, without editorializing

Kids have no reason to be told any details of their parents sex lives no matter what. It is damaging.

The ex is telling them by introducing them to OW. No sympathy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I wouldn't call her hot, unless frumpy mousey women with bad teeth, gummy smiles who dress like retired librarians are your thing... (sorry. Just give me this bit of pettiness).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wouldn't call her hot, unless frumpy mousey women with bad teeth, gummy smiles who dress like retired librarians are your thing... (sorry. Just give me this bit of pettiness).

Sounds like it was your husband's thing.

[Anonymous]

Is she hot?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Well, I think my husband turned out to be a cliche of a man who believed that the only female on earth who was literally paid to make his life easier, and who had to formally subject herself to his formal performance review, just happened to be his soulmate. (Insert eyeroll). I dont think it had much to do with looks and everything to do with how she made him feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Well, I think my husband turned out to be a cliche of a man who believed that the only female on earth who was literally paid to make his life easier, and who had to formally subject herself to his formal performance review, just happened to be his soulmate. (Insert eyeroll). I dont think it had much to do with looks and everything to do with how she made him feel.

The cliche is true. Ultimately, men like to feel admired, respected and generally feel loved through sex. She would be the trifecta of these. Whether it lasts is another question.

Sorry OP, like others said upthread, you seem to be a lot more in control than many of the commentators here. There are good books on how to handle these situations in the best interests of your kids which is what ultimately matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you, PP. I'm not an unkind person. Saying nasty things, being petty, all of that will just make me feel terrible. I dont want to hurt anyone or carry around anger. I just want to get through this without bursting into tears or humiliating myself.

PP here. My heart goes out to you. It's just really really hard -- and you're going to get through it.

Things that helped me: A really excellent therapist who taught me some relaxation techniques (that were developed to treat PTSD, actually), focusing on what I love and am good at, taking the dog for long walks, crying a LOT. And I did get angry, which is sort of different from "carrying around anger." (A different therapist once told me, It sounds like you didn't lose your temper; sounds like you finally found it!) Be angry -- you *should* be angry!* -- and also look for "safe" appropriate ways to express your anger. (Hint: Your ex and his AP don't deserve that much of you. Your anger is a thing of beauty, my dear. It's YOURS. They aren't even worth sharing it with.)

Other things that helped: BFFs. Family. Focusing on the kids (their constant and unrelenting need got me out of bed -- when nothing else would have -- for months and months.)

And I am not really a drinker, but in year one, I had one bottle of really excellent whiskey that served me well on occasion.

Focus on you, focus on your kids. Practice accepting others' offers of help and kindness. Cry a lot: You need the release.

When challenging situations arise, break it down into baby steps. Can you make it across the field to the parking lot? You can. Can you make it from here to the car? You can do that, too. Remind yourself that every hour of every day, you are already getting through this.

You're a good person -- that comes through -- and guess what? You get to be you throughout all of this BS. They have to be them. As much as this stinks -- and it really truly does -- I know that in your heart of hearts you wouldn't trade with them. You value your integrity too much. You value being a role model to your kids. Throughout this whole sordid ordeal, at least -- and this is no small thing -- you get to be you.

Hang in there, hon.

[Anonymous]

Your ex is a tool. Just wait until the next secretary comes along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.
I dont want to act crazy, I'm uninterested in revenge. I'm interested in advice from BTDT women who have had to deal with this. The first time she shows up at a soccer game, what do I do? When she shows up to pick the kids up, what do I say? Just pretend I have no idea who she is? Like I dont remember her?
I just dont know how to handle this next phase with class and grace.

I am going to have to disagree with this assessment. A good dad would never be so selfish to risk destroying their family. He's pretty terrible.

I agree, he's no good. A lousy father

OP you don't need to have any type of relationship with this woman. I would hope you would never allow her to pick up your kids. What do mean at the soccer game? Sit with your family, or new boyfriend no where near the cheater. At this point she's merely his girlfriend -nothing to your kids. He's a cheater, probably did it on you before but wasn't caught. When dealing with your kids talk only to your ex, never allow her to watch them etc.

I wouldn't say anything or stupid comments to this cheap woman. She has a new problem right now - someone she can't trust.

OP can’t control what her ex chooses to do during his parenting time. Trying to control the girlfriend’s interactions, whether she’s with them or watches them, etc. with her kids will create further tension. Like PP said, she now has the ear of ex and can choose to make OP’s life hell just as much as the other way around.

She can legally make sure the woman isn't driving over to her house to pick up the kids. Or drop them off on her own. If her ex is there with AP, no problem. If the ex leaves her kids alone with this woman she can go to court. If he ends up marrying her another matter. OP can't choose what they do during parenting time, but she can stipulate ex doesn't leave his kids with his random girlfriends. That's not controlling his parenting time, it's being responsible to your kids.

It's sad OP's ex already had his kids around this woman. They are barely divorced, OP should have some real concerns. Both should agree to put the kids first. Sure have partners around the kids, but only if it's serious after a year.

You should re-read your advice, then read the bolded because you contradict yourself.

Look, the situation sucks for OP, but having court orders dictating normal human interactions is a recipe for disaster and cruel to the kids. So if it's his custody day, and AP is home, but exDH is working late, they can't exchange kids because of some rule that she can't come over, and vice-versa. I have a good friend with this relationship, they exchange custody and fire and police stations. You can imagine what the kids think of this insanity.

This woman is in your kids life half the time, you can't change that. And as much as this absolutely sucks to know, she may otherwise engender the kids affection and perhaps be in your social circle. Don't cut off your nose and your kids' noses over bitterness. The best advice here is radical indifference.

Not if she's just his girlfriend I wouldn't allow her to pick up my kids. Especially if she was a woman that dated a married man. That says a lot about her right there. If she has 3 kids plus with his 2 I don't see that lasting. It's going to be a lot of crazy at his home, plus OP's kids are going to start having resentments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really struggled with whether or not to tell the kids. Even the experts don't seem to agree on this.

You may find this useful -- I know I did: https://www.chumplady.com/2019/05/dear-chump-lady-do-i-tell-the-kids-about-the-cheating/

Kids need is one sane parent — you’re it.

As for how much of the cheating to tell them about? At their ages, they may already know or have suspected. My son was 9 when it happened to me, so he got the rated-G version. I told him: when you get married, you promise not to have any boyfriends or girlfriends that aren’t your spouse. You’re each other’s special person, that’s what being faithful is. (***) cheated, and lied, and I’m going to be really sad and upset for awhile, but you’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. We’ll figure this out.

...
People disagree with whether or not to tell children about infidelity. My opinion is that it’s not okay to gaslight children, even with the best of intentions. I believe you should tell them in age-appropriate ways, without editorializing

Kids have no reason to be told any details of their parents sex lives no matter what. It is damaging.

PP is right. Of course they don't need to know the details. They do need to know the other spouse starting dating while married, and decided they wanted to divorce. OP's husband pretty much told the kids when he introduced the OW to them right away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.
I dont want to act crazy, I'm uninterested in revenge. I'm interested in advice from BTDT women who have had to deal with this. The first time she shows up at a soccer game, what do I do? When she shows up to pick the kids up, what do I say? Just pretend I have no idea who she is? Like I dont remember her?
I just dont know how to handle this next phase with class and grace.

I am going to have to disagree with this assessment. A good dad would never be so selfish to risk destroying their family. He's pretty terrible.

I agree, he's no good. A lousy father

OP you don't need to have any type of relationship with this woman. I would hope you would never allow her to pick up your kids. What do mean at the soccer game? Sit with your family, or new boyfriend no where near the cheater. At this point she's merely his girlfriend -nothing to your kids. He's a cheater, probably did it on you before but wasn't caught. When dealing with your kids talk only to your ex, never allow her to watch them etc.

I wouldn't say anything or stupid comments to this cheap woman. She has a new problem right now - someone she can't trust.

OP can’t control what her ex chooses to do during his parenting time. Trying to control the girlfriend’s interactions, whether she’s with them or watches them, etc. with her kids will create further tension. Like PP said, she now has the ear of ex and can choose to make OP’s life hell just as much as the other way around.

She can legally make sure the woman isn't driving over to her house to pick up the kids. Or drop them off on her own. If her ex is there with AP, no problem. If the ex leaves her kids alone with this woman she can go to court. If he ends up marrying her another matter. OP can't choose what they do during parenting time, but she can stipulate ex doesn't leave his kids with his random girlfriends. That's not controlling his parenting time, it's being responsible to your kids.

It's sad OP's ex already had his kids around this woman. They are barely divorced, OP should have some real concerns. Both should agree to put the kids first. Sure have partners around the kids, but only if it's serious after a year.

You should re-read your advice, then read the bolded because you contradict yourself.

Look, the situation sucks for OP, but having court orders dictating normal human interactions is a recipe for disaster and cruel to the kids. So if it's his custody day, and AP is home, but exDH is working late, they can't exchange kids because of some rule that she can't come over, and vice-versa. I have a good friend with this relationship, they exchange custody and fire and police stations. You can imagine what the kids think of this insanity.

This woman is in your kids life half the time, you can't change that. And as much as this absolutely sucks to know, she may otherwise engender the kids affection and perhaps be in your social circle. Don't cut off your nose and your kids' noses over bitterness. The best advice here is radical indifference.

Actually, what is not a normal interaction is to have your kids come to your house for your night you to not be there.

If you choose to work late over seeing your kids you don’t get them that night.

Also, another thing family court knows is that most abuse is done when the children are with the boyfriend or girlfriend of the Parent.

Exactly.
At the moment this woman is nothing to her children. OP can talk to her ex stipulating AP not be alone with her kids. He needs to watch them and spend quality time with them. Not leave them with a gf.

What about AP's kids? Are there going to be concerns with influences upon her own kids? That's obviously another big issue if they move in together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really struggled with whether or not to tell the kids. Even the experts don't seem to agree on this.

You may find this useful -- I know I did: https://www.chumplady.com/2019/05/dear-chump-lady-do-i-tell-the-kids-about-the-cheating/

Kids need is one sane parent — you’re it.

As for how much of the cheating to tell them about? At their ages, they may already know or have suspected. My son was 9 when it happened to me, so he got the rated-G version. I told him: when you get married, you promise not to have any boyfriends or girlfriends that aren’t your spouse. You’re each other’s special person, that’s what being faithful is. (***) cheated, and lied, and I’m going to be really sad and upset for awhile, but you’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. We’ll figure this out.

...
People disagree with whether or not to tell children about infidelity. My opinion is that it’s not okay to gaslight children, even with the best of intentions. I believe you should tell them in age-appropriate ways, without editorializing

Kids have no reason to be told any details of their parents sex lives no matter what. It is damaging.

Nobody is talking about sex with their kids, they are talking about honesty, integrity, sneaking behind somebody's back, breaking a contract, lying to somebody's face, lies of omission, etc.

It isn't about sex, never was, never will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you, PP. I'm not an unkind person. Saying nasty things, being petty, all of that will just make me feel terrible. I dont want to hurt anyone or carry around anger. I just want to get through this without bursting into tears or humiliating myself.

OP, I tear up easily, so I cried a river of tears over DH's infidelity and our split even though I was the one that threw him out (when he continued to cheat despite professing he wanted the marriage).

The things that helped me not cry -- crying it out in private (shower is a good place), talking a LOT with supportive friends and online (the more I told the story the less I cried when telling it), therapy, gaining more power over my own life, and realizing my anger and tears stemmed from a rationality that believed that if my ex understood how hurtful his behavior - both before and after the split - was it would stop (it never would so I gave up on that and it released my emotions).

Find your power in this situation -- you are morally in the right, you would never stoop to behaviors of DH and new GF and you don't need anyone to explicitly acknowledge that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wouldn't call her hot, unless frumpy mousey women with bad teeth, gummy smiles who dress like retired librarians are your thing... (sorry. Just give me this bit of pettiness).

Men always affair down.