Honestly interested in sending child away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is the problem with our society. Women must handle everything and they are not allowed to express honest, unsanitized feelings.

Yes - the problem with our society is that being a caring, unselfish , responsible adult is too much to bear.
Right.

DP. Yes, it is a problem with our society. In other society's it would be okay to admit that you cannot do it, and a family member would step in and care for the child. Everyone would be happier.

You are expecting OP to change overnight. It is not going to happen.

other societies not other society's

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is hard for me to believe that OP is not a troll. She has not offered any answers to any questions other than to just comment here or there to keep the thread going. We have given her plenty of options and opinions. Now let the thread die unless she comes back on with specific questions about certain residential placements, certain diets, certain diagnoses, etc. Just my 2 cents...

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I hope this will help. My parents sent me away to Shepard Pratt when I was about your daughter's age. I think I stayed around 90 days. I was not SN and I have a high IQ. My diagnosis was depression. I was treated with Prozac.

It was awful and my relationship with my parents never recovered. Even to this day I believe my diagnosis was off. I'll cop to OCD and an anxiety disorder, for sure. But not depression. It was basically like prison and I hated every moment of it. I felt shame, embarrassment and completely unloved.

The reason my parents sent me sound similar to yours. I was experiencing huge hormone shifts in addition to my OCD and anxiety and frankly, I had parents that had no clue how to help me deal with it. They were extremely rigid in their expectations and unwilling to find a way to work with me.

I look back on my life in amazement that I didn't end up worse off. Everything I've accomplished has been in spite of my traumatic upbringing and I know I could've been destined for much greater things with the help of a supportive and loving family. I mourn that loss every day.

It sounds like your needs were complex. That is not your fault, but not their fault either. It also sounds like they tried to get you professional treatment as a way of helping you. I’m sorry that it did not help and made you feel worse. Parents are not doctors, magicians, or therapists. They do not come trained to deal with complicated emotional issues. Perhaps there is more that your parents did to traumatize you that you haven’t shared. From what you have shared, it’s unclear how they failed you so dramatically. If there is something obvious that they missed, we would all benefit from hearing it, so that we can do better.

Um, they institutionalized her and had her medicated for a psychiatric disorder she doesn't have. That's pretty awful.

Please. If they did not do anything to help her, she would be here complaining about how they ignored signs that she needed help. She has every right to be traumatized by it. But not forgiving them for that particular experience shows that she is short on empathy even though she admits that they had no clue. What were they supposed to do-develop a clue overnight?

Professionals couldn't figure out what was wrong with her, but she cannot forgive her parents for getting it wrong. Parents are human beings. It is better for them to send the child away than to snap. She should be thankful that they knew their limit.

Examples:
I know of a parent who had a mental break down and set her son on fire because she had had enough.

I know of another who complains to everyone who can listen just how tired and sick she is of this child in front of him. He will definitely be better in boarding school. But his stupid father thinks it is a huge embarrassment to admit that they need help with him.

jfc. no, parents do not get to institutionalize their children when they have "had enough." Did you read this PP's follow up? Some parental mistakes are severe. committing a child to a mental institution improperly is one of those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is the problem with our society. Women must handle everything and they are not allowed to express honest, unsanitized feelings.

Yes - the problem with our society is that being a caring, unselfish , responsible adult is too much to bear.
Right.

Sounds like OP is trying to be an unselfish, responsible adult by finding a way to not have her life, her son's life, and her marriage ruined by a very difficult situation with her daughter.
Not all feelings aren't pretty; I'm sorry you aren't mature enough to realize that and instead resort to trying to make a woman feel bad for not meeting your standards of self sacrifice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I hope this will help. My parents sent me away to Shepard Pratt when I was about your daughter's age. I think I stayed around 90 days. I was not SN and I have a high IQ. My diagnosis was depression. I was treated with Prozac.

It was awful and my relationship with my parents never recovered. Even to this day I believe my diagnosis was off. I'll cop to OCD and an anxiety disorder, for sure. But not depression. It was basically like prison and I hated every moment of it. I felt shame, embarrassment and completely unloved.

The reason my parents sent me sound similar to yours. I was experiencing huge hormone shifts in addition to my OCD and anxiety and frankly, I had parents that had no clue how to help me deal with it. They were extremely rigid in their expectations and unwilling to find a way to work with me.

I look back on my life in amazement that I didn't end up worse off. Everything I've accomplished has been in spite of my traumatic upbringing and I know I could've been destined for much greater things with the help of a supportive and loving family. I mourn that loss every day.

It sounds like your needs were complex. That is not your fault, but not their fault either. It also sounds like they tried to get you professional treatment as a way of helping you. I’m sorry that it did not help and made you feel worse. Parents are not doctors, magicians, or therapists. They do not come trained to deal with complicated emotional issues. Perhaps there is more that your parents did to traumatize you that you haven’t shared. From what you have shared, it’s unclear how they failed you so dramatically. If there is something obvious that they missed, we would all benefit from hearing it, so that we can do better.

Um, they institutionalized her and had her medicated for a psychiatric disorder she doesn't have. That's pretty awful.

Please. If they did not do anything to help her, she would be here complaining about how they ignored signs that she needed help. She has every right to be traumatized by it. But not forgiving them for that particular experience shows that she is short on empathy even though she admits that they had no clue. What were they supposed to do-develop a clue overnight?

Professionals couldn't figure out what was wrong with her, but she cannot forgive her parents for getting it wrong. Parents are human beings. It is better for them to send the child away than to snap. She should be thankful that they knew their limit.

Examples:
I know of a parent who had a mental break down and set her son on fire because she had had enough.

I know of another who complains to everyone who can listen just how tired and sick she is of this child in front of him. He will definitely be better in boarding school. But his stupid father thinks it is a huge embarrassment to admit that they need help with him.

That PP said her parents were abusive, so I think her lack of forgiveness has more to do with the abuse than any lack of empathy on her part. Abusive parents are hard to forgive.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to reiterate: the question is whether OP can really commit to the work required when a child is sent to treatment. Treatment is a long, hard road, even when it happens outside the home. My DD's time in residential has involved a HUGE financial and time commitment from our whole family. Just to give you a glimpse, we had to agree to family therapy sessions with our daughter over Skype, individual therapy for both me and my husband, participation in family workshops onsite every 6 months, plus monthly trips out for family visits with very strict guidelines.

Really, no one should think for a moment that sending a kid to treatment is easy peasy. But treatment has saved my kid's life--and that's the bottom line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to reiterate: the question is whether OP can really commit to the work required when a child is sent to treatment. Treatment is a long, hard road, even when it happens outside the home. My DD's time in residential has involved a HUGE financial and time commitment from our whole family. Just to give you a glimpse, we had to agree to family therapy sessions with our daughter over Skype, individual therapy for both me and my husband, participation in family workshops onsite every 6 months, plus monthly trips out for family visits with very strict guidelines.

Really, no one should think for a moment that sending a kid to treatment is easy peasy. But treatment has saved my kid's life--and that's the bottom line.

True. But sending the kid to a boarding school might still be a better solution than the status quo. Or to go live with relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is the problem with our society. Women must handle everything and they are not allowed to express honest, unsanitized feelings.

Yes - the problem with our society is that being a caring, unselfish , responsible adult is too much to bear.
Right.

Sounds like OP is trying to be an unselfish, responsible adult by finding a way to not have her life, her son's life, and her marriage ruined by a very difficult situation with her daughter.
Not all feelings aren't pretty; I'm sorry you aren't mature enough to realize that and instead resort to trying to make a woman feel bad for not meeting your standards of self sacrifice.

+1 As a man, I see a lot of women be hard on each other. They will forgive a man for being a "bad" parent, but not another woman. I think this has a lot to do with internalization of social expectations that they all have to Supermom, never expressing anything but pure love and devotion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I hope this will help. My parents sent me away to Shepard Pratt when I was about your daughter's age. I think I stayed around 90 days. I was not SN and I have a high IQ. My diagnosis was depression. I was treated with Prozac.

It was awful and my relationship with my parents never recovered. Even to this day I believe my diagnosis was off. I'll cop to OCD and an anxiety disorder, for sure. But not depression. It was basically like prison and I hated every moment of it. I felt shame, embarrassment and completely unloved.

The reason my parents sent me sound similar to yours. I was experiencing huge hormone shifts in addition to my OCD and anxiety and frankly, I had parents that had no clue how to help me deal with it. They were extremely rigid in their expectations and unwilling to find a way to work with me.

I look back on my life in amazement that I didn't end up worse off. Everything I've accomplished has been in spite of my traumatic upbringing and I know I could've been destined for much greater things with the help of a supportive and loving family. I mourn that loss every day.

It sounds like your needs were complex. That is not your fault, but not their fault either. It also sounds like they tried to get you professional treatment as a way of helping you. I’m sorry that it did not help and made you feel worse. Parents are not doctors, magicians, or therapists. They do not come trained to deal with complicated emotional issues. Perhaps there is more that your parents did to traumatize you that you haven’t shared. From what you have shared, it’s unclear how they failed you so dramatically. If there is something obvious that they missed, we would all benefit from hearing it, so that we can do better.

Um, they institutionalized her and had her medicated for a psychiatric disorder she doesn't have. That's pretty awful.

Please. If they did not do anything to help her, she would be here complaining about how they ignored signs that she needed help. She has every right to be traumatized by it. But not forgiving them for that particular experience shows that she is short on empathy even though she admits that they had no clue. What were they supposed to do-develop a clue overnight?

Professionals couldn't figure out what was wrong with her, but she cannot forgive her parents for getting it wrong. Parents are human beings. It is better for them to send the child away than to snap. She should be thankful that they knew their limit.

Examples:
I know of a parent who had a mental break down and set her son on fire because she had had enough.

I know of another who complains to everyone who can listen just how tired and sick she is of this child in front of him. He will definitely be better in boarding school. But his stupid father thinks it is a huge embarrassment to admit that they need help with him.

jfc. no, parents do not get to institutionalize their children when they have "had enough." Did you read this PP's follow up? Some parental mistakes are severe. committing a child to a mental institution improperly is one of those.

So PP's post was misleading. Read it. She claims to not have recovered from the 90 day institutionalization. Her original post implied that the institutionalization was the main issue.

Adults "improperly" institutionalize themselves when they have no clue how to handle a situation.
what would you have done in her parents' situation. Keep her home and keep abusing her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I hope this will help. My parents sent me away to Shepard Pratt when I was about your daughter's age. I think I stayed around 90 days. I was not SN and I have a high IQ. My diagnosis was depression. I was treated with Prozac.

It was awful and my relationship with my parents never recovered. Even to this day I believe my diagnosis was off. I'll cop to OCD and an anxiety disorder, for sure. But not depression. It was basically like prison and I hated every moment of it. I felt shame, embarrassment and completely unloved.

The reason my parents sent me sound similar to yours. I was experiencing huge hormone shifts in addition to my OCD and anxiety and frankly, I had parents that had no clue how to help me deal with it. They were extremely rigid in their expectations and unwilling to find a way to work with me.

I look back on my life in amazement that I didn't end up worse off. Everything I've accomplished has been in spite of my traumatic upbringing and I know I could've been destined for much greater things with the help of a supportive and loving family. I mourn that loss every day.

It sounds like your needs were complex. That is not your fault, but not their fault either. It also sounds like they tried to get you professional treatment as a way of helping you. I’m sorry that it did not help and made you feel worse. Parents are not doctors, magicians, or therapists. They do not come trained to deal with complicated emotional issues. Perhaps there is more that your parents did to traumatize you that you haven’t shared. From what you have shared, it’s unclear how they failed you so dramatically. If there is something obvious that they missed, we would all benefit from hearing it, so that we can do better.

Um, they institutionalized her and had her medicated for a psychiatric disorder she doesn't have. That's pretty awful.

Please. If they did not do anything to help her, she would be here complaining about how they ignored signs that she needed help. She has every right to be traumatized by it. But not forgiving them for that particular experience shows that she is short on empathy even though she admits that they had no clue. What were they supposed to do-develop a clue overnight?

Professionals couldn't figure out what was wrong with her, but she cannot forgive her parents for getting it wrong. Parents are human beings. It is better for them to send the child away than to snap. She should be thankful that they knew their limit.

Examples:
I know of a parent who had a mental break down and set her son on fire because she had had enough.

I know of another who complains to everyone who can listen just how tired and sick she is of this child in front of him. He will definitely be better in boarding school. But his stupid father thinks it is a huge embarrassment to admit that they need help with him.

jfc. no, parents do not get to institutionalize their children when they have "had enough." Did you read this PP's follow up? Some parental mistakes are severe. committing a child to a mental institution improperly is one of those.

So PP's post was misleading. Read it. She claims to not have recovered from the 90 day institutionalization. Her original post implied that the institutionalization was the main issue.

Adults "improperly" institutionalize themselves when they have no clue how to handle a situation.
what would you have done in her parents' situation. Keep her home and keep abusing her?

DP here. So now PP's big crime was she didn't describe her entire life's story in one post, and her abusive parents are so wise to send her away to stop their own abuse? What would have I done in her parents situation? Stop abusing my child, get myself some help, get her a correct diagnosis and give her appropriate treatment. Which is the same thing most parents would do. Apparently her parents had their own issues to deal with, but grown children have no obligation to fix or forgive their parents. PP still has her own problems to deal with in her present life, and that's hard enough.

[Anonymous]

I am surprised that I am the only PP here who has pointed out the major role DD's dyslexia and dyscalculia, which as far as we know have not been remediated, may be playing in the DD's inability to cope. Especially surprised as this is an SN forum.

These need to be aggressively addressed, together with the ADHD. I wrote earlier that considering a boarding school that would address these problems could be useful.

What I do know is that RTCs often are really poor in the academics department, let alone in expertise for learning disabilities. If DD's behavior problems are limited to her home environment, a boarding school that focuses on the learning disabilities could help.

I wish OP would let us know if this is the case. Kids with problems so often are very good at keeping things together at school or with their friends, but the struggle of keeping it together for those purposes often leads to explosions at home.

If this is true for OP's DD, a boarding school that is good at addressing dyslexia and dyscalculia is an option to consider. Framed properly, DD may even welcome it. Getting kids to RTCs, on the other hand, can be extremely difficult. So many times, parents have to trick their kids to get them there or hire strangers to in effect "kidnap" them and carry them off to the RTC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised that I am the only PP here who has pointed out the major role DD's dyslexia and dyscalculia, which as far as we know have not been remediated, may be playing in the DD's inability to cope. Especially surprised as this is an SN forum.

These need to be aggressively addressed, together with the ADHD. I wrote earlier that considering a boarding school that would address these problems could be useful.

What I do know is that RTCs often are really poor in the academics department, let alone in expertise for learning disabilities. If DD's behavior problems are limited to her home environment, a boarding school that focuses on the learning disabilities could help.

I wish OP would let us know if this is the case. Kids with problems so often are very good at keeping things together at school or with their friends, but the struggle of keeping it together for those purposes often leads to explosions at home.

If this is true for OP's DD, a boarding school that is good at addressing dyslexia and dyscalculia is an option to consider. Framed properly, DD may even welcome it. Getting kids to RTCs, on the other hand, can be extremely difficult. So many times, parents have to trick their kids to get them there or hire strangers to in effect "kidnap" them and carry them off to the RTC.

OP herself seems to have a left a lot out of her story and has not filled in many details despite this thread going on for 14 pages. She has not said anything about academics or behavior in school, other than to mention LDs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised that I am the only PP here who has pointed out the major role DD's dyslexia and dyscalculia, which as far as we know have not been remediated, may be playing in the DD's inability to cope. Especially surprised as this is an SN forum.

These need to be aggressively addressed, together with the ADHD. I wrote earlier that considering a boarding school that would address these problems could be useful.

What I do know is that RTCs often are really poor in the academics department, let alone in expertise for learning disabilities. If DD's behavior problems are limited to her home environment, a boarding school that focuses on the learning disabilities could help.

I wish OP would let us know if this is the case. Kids with problems so often are very good at keeping things together at school or with their friends, but the struggle of keeping it together for those purposes often leads to explosions at home.

If this is true for OP's DD, a boarding school that is good at addressing dyslexia and dyscalculia is an option to consider. Framed properly, DD may even welcome it. Getting kids to RTCs, on the other hand, can be extremely difficult. So many times, parents have to trick their kids to get them there or hire strangers to in effect "kidnap" them and carry them off to the RTC.

OP herself seems to have a left a lot out of her story and has not filled in many details despite this thread going on for 14 pages. She has not said anything about academics or behavior in school, other than to mention LDs.

Agree. She really only said insulting things, like calling her daughter not smart and not good at anything. It’s just really hard to consider OP’s point of view when she starts out that way. It’s already a signal that she isn’t reasonable and that she has no empathy for her child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised that I am the only PP here who has pointed out the major role DD's dyslexia and dyscalculia, which as far as we know have not been remediated, may be playing in the DD's inability to cope. Especially surprised as this is an SN forum.

These need to be aggressively addressed, together with the ADHD. I wrote earlier that considering a boarding school that would address these problems could be useful.

What I do know is that RTCs often are really poor in the academics department, let alone in expertise for learning disabilities. If DD's behavior problems are limited to her home environment, a boarding school that focuses on the learning disabilities could help.

I wish OP would let us know if this is the case. Kids with problems so often are very good at keeping things together at school or with their friends, but the struggle of keeping it together for those purposes often leads to explosions at home.

If this is true for OP's DD, a boarding school that is good at addressing dyslexia and dyscalculia is an option to consider. Framed properly, DD may even welcome it. Getting kids to RTCs, on the other hand, can be extremely difficult. So many times, parents have to trick their kids to get them there or hire strangers to in effect "kidnap" them and carry them off to the RTC.

She said meds, therapy, school, tutoring all have been tried. Her dyslexia is NOT going unremediated and as far as I saw, she never mentioned discalculia at all, which is not a forgone conclusion with dyslexia. So perhaps that's why nobody but you is perseverating on that.

[Anonymous]

OP, is this the only time you have ever said no to your daughter?
A kid should not start a screaming fit just because they do not get ice cream. That is not normal, unless she usually gets rewarded for all screaming with receiving what she originally asked for

Perhaps you can buy her clothes online in the future and just not take her shopping anymore