Honestly interested in sending child away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I assure you this isn’t a troll post.

Your last line - that you just want her out of your lives - is heartbreaking. Your poor daughter. If her family doesn’t love her then who will? But at the same time, I’m sure it’s incredibky difficult. You need a new approach.

FFS! Of course OP needs a new approach! Why do you think she's posting? What have you contributed to the discussion? Nothing! And, OP never said she didn't love her DD. Clearly, you've not been through anything like this because the twister is that you DO love your child even if you don't like her. If you didn't love her, it would be so much easier to make decisions.

Point taken. I’ve now read the whole thread and understand better what OP is going through, and what she was communicating. Perhaps her post struck a nerve because I’ve had my moments with my own kid.

New poster. I think it's very jarring to read that a parent just wants a child out of her family. That's very strong.

EXACTLY. So stop and think
How bad a place OP must be in to think it and try to extend empathy, not judgment.

One can empathize and care deeply and still provide advice. It’s not an either/or.

[Anonymous]

I can predict for you, OP, that with the way this kids childhood is going her teen years are going to be filled with stuff like stealing, drinking and drugging and maybe many sexual partners.
You should a short amount of time here to make this kid feel loved and secure or you’re really in for a lifetime of trouble.
If I were you I’d focus on finding a great and nurturing FAMILY counselor to sort through your lives - not to skewer your DD and point out her flaws and disabilities but to get you functioning as a loving family. Time is running out.

[Anonymous]

It is hard for me to believe that OP is not a troll. She has not offered any answers to any questions other than to just comment here or there to keep the thread going. We have given her plenty of options and opinions. Now let the thread die unless she comes back on with specific questions about certain residential placements, certain diets, certain diagnoses, etc. Just my 2 cents...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is hard for me to believe that OP is not a troll. She has not offered any answers to any questions other than to just comment here or there to keep the thread going. We have given her plenty of options and opinions. Now let the thread die unless she comes back on with specific questions about certain residential placements, certain diets, certain diagnoses, etc. Just my 2 cents...

You might be right.

[Anonymous]

She might be better off in boarding school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I assure you this isn’t a troll post.

Your last line - that you just want her out of your lives - is heartbreaking. Your poor daughter. If her family doesn’t love her then who will? But at the same time, I’m sure it’s incredibky difficult. You need a new approach.

FFS! Of course OP needs a new approach! Why do you think she's posting? What have you contributed to the discussion? Nothing! And, OP never said she didn't love her DD. Clearly, you've not been through anything like this because the twister is that you DO love your child even if you don't like her. If you didn't love her, it would be so much easier to make decisions.

Point taken. I’ve now read the whole thread and understand better what OP is going through, and what she was communicating. Perhaps her post struck a nerve because I’ve had my moments with my own kid.

New poster. I think it's very jarring to read that a parent just wants a child out of her family. That's very strong.

EXACTLY. So stop and think
How bad a place OP must be in to think it and try to extend empathy, not judgment.

One can empathize and care deeply and still provide advice. It’s not an either/or.

Apparently for many people here it is

[Anonymous]

Board gin school can provide structure, consequences, executive functioning and/or social skills instruction... this hard work can also be done by the family.

What strikes me is the lack of empathy OP extends to the child here. When my child has meltdowns (mom of autistic child here), I wait for the storm to pass then offer a big hug, tell him I love him. We then can talk about what happened and how WE can handle this better in the future.

The relationship between the parent and child is a two-way street. Mom needs to change as much as the daughter. It's extremely hard work. Boarding school is not going to do the work for this family. It may put some interim structures in place... but the work still needs to happen at home. And more/better therapy for sure for the whole family.

[Anonymous]

All fine and good. But how much do you want to bet that OP is doing the heavy lifting? The burden of caring for SN, elderly, any kind of relatives falls disproportionately on women. It is easier for men to believe as "unselfish, responsible adults" because their wives change the diapers, buy the birthday gifts, and handle the medical appointments. God forbid one woman express her sense of being desperate and overwhelmed and yes, resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All fine and good. But how much do you want to bet that OP is doing the heavy lifting? The burden of caring for SN, elderly, any kind of relatives falls disproportionately on women. It is easier for men to believe as "unselfish, responsible adults" because their wives change the diapers, buy the birthday gifts, and handle the medical appointments. God forbid one woman express her sense of being desperate and overwhelmed and yes, resentful.

You're projecting. OP has provided no such information about other life factors.

If OP had said, "I love my daughter, but this is hard," or "it kills me to see my daughter struggling so much," or even, "I miss my sweet girl," more people would have some empathy for her. That was not the case. Not one word of love or compassion for her daughter in that long original post. THAT is what people are having a hard time with here.

[Anonymous]

If OP's life partner is not stepping up to shoulder this burden equally, that is another issue entirely... another who post with hundreds of replies would spring up.

This woman wants to put a child with ADHD out of her family... because of the child's disability. This isn't an issue of gender roles and expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I assure you this isn’t a troll post.

Your last line - that you just want her out of your lives - is heartbreaking. Your poor daughter. If her family doesn’t love her then who will? But at the same time, I’m sure it’s incredibky difficult. You need a new approach.

FFS! Of course OP needs a new approach! Why do you think she's posting? What have you contributed to the discussion? Nothing! And, OP never said she didn't love her DD. Clearly, you've not been through anything like this because the twister is that you DO love your child even if you don't like her. If you didn't love her, it would be so much easier to make decisions.

Point taken. I’ve now read the whole thread and understand better what OP is going through, and what she was communicating. Perhaps her post struck a nerve because I’ve had my moments with my own kid.

New poster. I think it's very jarring to read that a parent just wants a child out of her family. That's very strong.

EXACTLY. So stop and think
How bad a place OP must be in to think it and try to extend empathy, not judgment.

Yes.

No advice here, OP. I wish it could be easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If OP's life partner is not stepping up to shoulder this burden equally, that is another issue entirely... another who post with hundreds of replies would spring up.

This woman wants to put a child with ADHD out of her family... because of the child's disability. This isn't an issue of gender roles and expectations.

Op’s “Life partner,” to indulge your PC term, is not the same as the child’s father. Where is he?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I hope this will help. My parents sent me away to Shepard Pratt when I was about your daughter's age. I think I stayed around 90 days. I was not SN and I have a high IQ. My diagnosis was depression. I was treated with Prozac.

It was awful and my relationship with my parents never recovered. Even to this day I believe my diagnosis was off. I'll cop to OCD and an anxiety disorder, for sure. But not depression. It was basically like prison and I hated every moment of it. I felt shame, embarrassment and completely unloved.

The reason my parents sent me sound similar to yours. I was experiencing huge hormone shifts in addition to my OCD and anxiety and frankly, I had parents that had no clue how to help me deal with it. They were extremely rigid in their expectations and unwilling to find a way to work with me.

I look back on my life in amazement that I didn't end up worse off. Everything I've accomplished has been in spite of my traumatic upbringing and I know I could've been destined for much greater things with the help of a supportive and loving family. I mourn that loss every day.

It sounds like your needs were complex. That is not your fault, but not their fault either. It also sounds like they tried to get you professional treatment as a way of helping you. I’m sorry that it did not help and made you feel worse. Parents are not doctors, magicians, or therapists. They do not come trained to deal with complicated emotional issues. Perhaps there is more that your parents did to traumatize you that you haven’t shared. From what you have shared, it’s unclear how they failed you so dramatically. If there is something obvious that they missed, we would all benefit from hearing it, so that we can do better.

Um, they institutionalized her and had her medicated for a psychiatric disorder she doesn't have. That's pretty awful.

Please. If they did not do anything to help her, she would be here complaining about how they ignored signs that she needed help. She has every right to be traumatized by it. But not forgiving them for that particular experience shows that she is short on empathy even though she admits that they had no clue. What were they supposed to do-develop a clue overnight?

Professionals couldn't figure out what was wrong with her, but she cannot forgive her parents for getting it wrong. Parents are human beings. It is better for them to send the child away than to snap. She should be thankful that they knew their limit.

Examples:
I know of a parent who had a mental break down and set her son on fire because she had had enough.

I know of another who complains to everyone who can listen just how tired and sick she is of this child in front of him. He will definitely be better in boarding school. But his stupid father thinks it is a huge embarrassment to admit that they need help with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All fine and good. But how much do you want to bet that OP is doing the heavy lifting? The burden of caring for SN, elderly, any kind of relatives falls disproportionately on women. It is easier for men to believe as "unselfish, responsible adults" because their wives change the diapers, buy the birthday gifts, and handle the medical appointments. God forbid one woman express her sense of being desperate and overwhelmed and yes, resentful.

You're projecting. OP has provided no such information about other life factors.

If OP had said, "I love my daughter, but this is hard," or "it kills me to see my daughter struggling so much," or even, "I miss my sweet girl," more people would have some empathy for her. That was not the case. Not one word of love or compassion for her daughter in that long original post. THAT is what people are having a hard time with here.

That is even more reason for people to get over themselves and provide sensible solutions instead of judging her. OP clearly needs urgent help if she feels this way about the child-it does not matte if her feelings are justified or not. So balance the judgment with ideas of what she can do to get the daughter into a better situation. I say boarding school is looking like a pretty good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is the problem with our society. Women must handle everything and they are not allowed to express honest, unsanitized feelings.

Yes - the problem with our society is that being a caring, unselfish , responsible adult is too much to bear.
Right.

DP. Yes, it is a problem with our society. In other society's it would be okay to admit that you cannot do it, and a family member would step in and care for the child. Everyone would be happier.

You are expecting OP to change overnight. It is not going to happen.