An explanation and request from a mom of a kid with autism

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good god, op here. Your willful insistence on completely refusing to comprehend what I actually said is amazing. I did it ask for special accommodations. I asked that you keep your babies out of playgrounds marked 3-5 and out of the big kid pool arear for 3-5 when there are baby parks and baby playgrounds. You hover over your kids creating a huge logistical block for those of us with kids with special needs who need to closely monitor. You also hugely react if my child say blows a raspberry in your direction. That's not hurrying anyone. It's annoying. Maybe it warrants a telling him off but you frankly can't tell off a child with autism for every odd behavior. So parents telling me, your child just spit at me, etc. these are the issues I'm talking about. My kid isn't aggressive he is odd and it confuses parents more than children.

If you have a hard time believing that my child hasn't been yelled at numerous times for things like making faces at babies, growling at them, spitting, not waiting a turn even when I'm there to hold him back, you don't live in my world and Rabat my point.

As for the other kids with autism being similar I didn't say all but seeking reactions is indeed fairly common.

See, that's not okay

No, it isn't. I cannot imagine my friends with autistic children not leaving immediately when these behaviors start.

And by the way op, not that you care, but some of those kids and parents may be dealing with issues of their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good god, op here. Your willful insistence on completely refusing to comprehend what I actually said is amazing. I did it ask for special accommodations. I asked that you keep your babies out of playgrounds marked 3-5 and out of the big kid pool arear for 3-5 when there are baby parks and baby playgrounds. You hover over your kids creating a huge logistical block for those of us with kids with special needs who need to closely monitor. You also hugely react if my child say blows a raspberry in your direction. That's not hurrying anyone. It's annoying. Maybe it warrants a telling him off but you frankly can't tell off a child with autism for every odd behavior. So parents telling me, your child just spit at me, etc. these are the issues I'm talking about. My kid isn't aggressive he is odd and it confuses parents more than children.

If you have a hard time believing that my child hasn't been yelled at numerous times for things like making faces at babies, growling at them, spitting, not waiting a turn even when I'm there to hold him back, you don't live in my world and Rabat my point.

As for the other kids with autism being similar I didn't say all but seeking reactions is indeed fairly common.

See, that's not okay

No, it isn't. I cannot imagine my friends with autistic children not leaving immediately when these behaviors start.

And by the way op, not that you care, but some of those kids and parents may be dealing with issues of their own.

We left everytime or we ignored once and then left per the advice of our aba therapist who was usually with us.

I do care actually. One benefit of this whole thing: actual empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good god, op here. Your willful insistence on completely refusing to comprehend what I actually said is amazing. I did it ask for special accommodations. I asked that you keep your babies out of playgrounds marked 3-5 and out of the big kid pool arear for 3-5 when there are baby parks and baby playgrounds. You hover over your kids creating a huge logistical block for those of us with kids with special needs who need to closely monitor. You also hugely react if my child say blows a raspberry in your direction. That's not hurrying anyone. It's annoying. Maybe it warrants a telling him off but you frankly can't tell off a child with autism for every odd behavior. So parents telling me, your child just spit at me, etc. these are the issues I'm talking about. My kid isn't aggressive he is odd and it confuses parents more than children.

If you have a hard time believing that my child hasn't been yelled at numerous times for things like making faces at babies, growling at them, spitting, not waiting a turn even when I'm there to hold him back, you don't live in my world and Rabat my point.

As for the other kids with autism being similar I didn't say all but seeking reactions is indeed fairly common.

See, that's not okay

No, it isn't. I cannot imagine my friends with autistic children not leaving immediately when these behaviors start.

And by the way op, not that you care, but some of those kids and parents may be dealing with issues of their own.

We left everytime or we ignored once and then left per the advice of our aba therapist who was usually with us.

I do care actually. One benefit of this whole thing: actual empathy.

What was the ABA therapist's reaction to the other parents?

[Anonymous]

You are demanding empathy from EVERYONE but giving it to no one except yourself.
You see your son as the Sun and everyone else is circling around him and you.
I think the larger issue may be you are over sensitive and hyper reactive to other parents and looking for things that aren't there.
I am not saying you have never gotten a dirty look or a stare but who hasn't? My son said "Shit" really loud (meant 'sit' at the time) and a mom scoffed at me and my child's presumed 'potty mouth'. You are in for a long haul if you keep making mountains out of mole hills and you will be teaching your son that every one around him must bow down to his needs without ever taking into account other children's needs.

Just because some aren't diagnosed does NOT mean they aren't dealing with their own stuff. Anxiety, abuse, neglect etc. You son running up and spitting on them may be a trigger for THEM. Did you ever think of that?? No? Well, how about some of that empathy you are asking/demanding for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are demanding empathy from EVERYONE but giving it to no one except yourself.
You see your son as the Sun and everyone else is circling around him and you.
I think the larger issue may be you are over sensitive and hyper reactive to other parents and looking for things that aren't there.
I am not saying you have never gotten a dirty look or a stare but who hasn't? My son said "Shit" really loud (meant 'sit' at the time) and a mom scoffed at me and my child's presumed 'potty mouth'. You are in for a long haul if you keep making mountains out of mole hills and you will be teaching your son that every one around him must bow down to his needs without ever taking into account other children's needs.

Just because some aren't diagnosed does NOT mean they aren't dealing with their own stuff. Anxiety, abuse, neglect etc. You son running up and spitting on them may be a trigger for THEM. Did you ever think of that?? No? Well, how about some of that empathy you are asking/demanding for.

Did you stop to think you haven't experienced what OP has? Or that your NT child saying a bad word is in no way comparable to an HFA kid in the world (who you are trying to socialize in line with your therapists recommendations)? People suck PP and this area is VERY selfish and uptight and discrimination against the disabled who don't conform to the cute/sad/inspiring stereotype is very real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my child, too. I don't want her to be frightened or upset either. If your son gets unfavorable comments or a parent (or nanny - DD's nanny is fiercely protective) raises their voice to your child, it is because we are protecting our own. No other reason.

Try thinking in broader terms.

What broader terms?

Like your kid isn't standing at the very center of the universe. You're setting her up for some serious sad times. Give her a chance to not be such a giant wuss.

No. Just no. My daughter is 14 months old. I have no clue why a large five year old is spitting st her and simply will not allow it even if I did know why. So no.

she never said to allow spitting. she said to have some empathy and not jump to conclusions about why it happened. It is possible to protect your kid and not be a judgmental asshole. but it is much more satisfying to judge the other mom and kid, I get that.

[Anonymous]

Here is the summation-

Parents should be patient with autistic children/parents and more tolerant

Parents should overlook their own child's hurt or upset bc it might upset an autistic child

Parents should never ask another parent of there child in fact has special needs that lead for the child's behavior

Parents want their autistic children treated the same as all over kids except when they are misbehaving. Then that deserve special treatment.

Parents have no reasonable way to know which young children in a crowd might have special needs. Parents should have magical abilities to know exactly when a behavior is misbehavior or the result of a special need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are demanding empathy from EVERYONE but giving it to no one except yourself.
You see your son as the Sun and everyone else is circling around him and you.
I think the larger issue may be you are over sensitive and hyper reactive to other parents and looking for things that aren't there.
I am not saying you have never gotten a dirty look or a stare but who hasn't? My son said "Shit" really loud (meant 'sit' at the time) and a mom scoffed at me and my child's presumed 'potty mouth'. You are in for a long haul if you keep making mountains out of mole hills and you will be teaching your son that every one around him must bow down to his needs without ever taking into account other children's needs.

Just because some aren't diagnosed does NOT mean they aren't dealing with their own stuff. Anxiety, abuse, neglect etc. You son running up and spitting on them may be a trigger for THEM. Did you ever think of that?? No? Well, how about some of that empathy you are asking/demanding for.

Did you stop to think you haven't experienced what OP has? Or that your NT child saying a bad word is in no way comparable to an HFA kid in the world (who you are trying to socialize in line with your therapists recommendations)? People suck PP and this area is VERY selfish and uptight and discrimination against the disabled who don't conform to the cute/sad/inspiring stereotype is very real.

Did you ever stop to think that other people go through stuff to? Just because my child does not have the SN diagnosis does NOT mean there aren't real issues he is dealing with. Born to a drug addicted mother he spent the 2 years of his life in and out of shelters, on the streets and things that happened to that child I can't even think about without crying. So yeah, when you child SPITS on my child, you will get a look. Just like if my son did that to your SN child, I would likely get a look and should. He is frightened easily and I don't expect people to tip toe around him, but i do expect him to either not get spat on or at the very least, if he does, the parent step in and parent. It is a learning and teachable moment for all involved. But you have to use it as such. As parents we are all doing the best we can but please don't put your child on some SN pedestal and think that he deserves more respect than my child does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is the summation-

Parents should be patient with autistic children/parents and more tolerant

Parents should overlook their own child's hurt or upset bc it might upset an autistic child

Parents should never ask another parent of there child in fact has special needs that lead for the child's behavior

Parents want their autistic children treated the same as all over kids except when they are misbehaving. Then that deserve special treatment.

Parents have no reasonable way to know which young children in a crowd might have special needs. Parents should have magical abilities to know exactly when a behavior is misbehavior or the result of a special need.

+1 mil

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my child, too. I don't want her to be frightened or upset either. If your son gets unfavorable comments or a parent (or nanny - DD's nanny is fiercely protective) raises their voice to your child, it is because we are protecting our own. No other reason.

Try thinking in broader terms.

What broader terms?

Like your kid isn't standing at the very center of the universe. You're setting her up for some serious sad times. Give her a chance to not be such a giant wuss.

No. Just no. My daughter is 14 months old. I have no clue why a large five year old is spitting st her and simply will not allow it even if I did know why. So no.

she never said to allow spitting. she said to have some empathy and not jump to conclusions about why it happened. It is possible to protect your kid and not be a judgmental asshole. but it is much more satisfying to judge the other mom and kid, I get that.

How about you not be an entitled asshole who thinks an autism diagnosis gives you and your kid a free reign to do whatever and think no one could possible have a reason to be bothered by your kids behavior. As pps have pointed out time and time again other kids and families have issues to that you know nothing about, but in your world empathy only goes one way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are demanding empathy from EVERYONE but giving it to no one except yourself.
You see your son as the Sun and everyone else is circling around him and you.
I think the larger issue may be you are over sensitive and hyper reactive to other parents and looking for things that aren't there.
I am not saying you have never gotten a dirty look or a stare but who hasn't? My son said "Shit" really loud (meant 'sit' at the time) and a mom scoffed at me and my child's presumed 'potty mouth'. You are in for a long haul if you keep making mountains out of mole hills and you will be teaching your son that every one around him must bow down to his needs without ever taking into account other children's needs.

Just because some aren't diagnosed does NOT mean they aren't dealing with their own stuff. Anxiety, abuse, neglect etc. You son running up and spitting on them may be a trigger for THEM. Did you ever think of that?? No? Well, how about some of that empathy you are asking/demanding for.

Did you stop to think you haven't experienced what OP has? Or that your NT child saying a bad word is in no way comparable to an HFA kid in the world (who you are trying to socialize in line with your therapists recommendations)? People suck PP and this area is VERY selfish and uptight and discrimination against the disabled who don't conform to the cute/sad/inspiring stereotype is very real.

Did you ever stop to think that autism isn't the end all and be all of challenges. Did you ever stop and think that getting spat on could be a trigger for a kid that was abused? Probably not because you and your kid with autism are all that matters.
You want to know a truth nowhere else in this country are parents of SN as rude and entitled as the DMV. Nowhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here, who has read the whole thread. I actually have some sympathy for the OP-- everyone needs to be more understanding of SN, for example. And I'd strongnly suspect that parents of kids with SN have 100x as many opportunities to see people being jerks about kids with SN than parents of kids without. I mean, as a white woman, I never saw (or "never saw") a cab fail to stop for black people until I tried to catch one with two black girlfriends.

That said, where OP loses me is when she says one of the techniques for dealing with her son's behavior is "planned ignoring." I don't have a problem with that strategy and assume it's good advice. However, there's literally no way for bystanders to know if she's using that strategy or simply ignoring, not even witnessing, or, worse, passively condoning his behavior. And assuming the best of her ignoring is really a bridge too far. Planned ignoring may be the best strategy for the child's behavior, but it's simply not practicable in these sorts of contexts, OP. "Assuming the best" *in general* is a good idea. Assuming that a mother who ignores her kid's aggressive behavior is implementing a therapist's advice? Without her telling the other parent and child this? Sorry, but that's too much of a stretch.

(And BTW, the behavior described may not be egregious or intentional, but yes, it's aggressive.)

Well to take your analogy to the logical conclusion, black people don't owe some duty to the racist world to educate them. If my kids flapping like a crazy Elton and making noises at your kid and I'm moving him away, like our therapist has advised and yes planned ignoring is a thing, I'm not going to be taking the time to explain to you why. If you had a kid with special needs you'd understand: when he is dysregulated like that I have to follow him. Like literally be on his back. And yes we're leaving. And I have other kids. So I'm busy and I don't owe you a huge explanation. Do the people who aggressively push by me on the metro owe me some explanation? Maybe. Am I getting one? Yeah no.

Don't even try the racism card. AS a black women and a mom of SN kids I'm not here for it. You are changing the narrative and you know it, do behaviors like flapping and screaming gets some looks and comments yes, and you are right to ignore those.
You also know that your kid hitting and spitting at a child from the perspective of the child and the parent are not the same. Do you need to launch into full-blow explanation? Nope. But a simple " I'm sorry. Is she okay. We're working on it. " Go along way. You've done your part then, if they choose to gripe about it some more that's on them

[Anonymous]

I was in a situation yesterday where I paid for an experience (think: carnival game) for my kids, and a boy came running over and grabbed the equipment from my child and proceeded to do the activity. We were all taken aback, but I immediately assumed the child had special needs. His mother quickly came running over and while she was approaching she said, "He has special needs and doesn't understand. I'm so sorry." And she quickly grabbed him. I said, "No worries, it's totally okay," but she dragged the kid away.

I thought the mom handled it well in terms of quickly running over and giving us a heads up about her child as she was approaching. My kids stood there quietly, and I told the mom it wasn't a problem.

Isn't that the appropriate response all around?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:God good. You people are insane catastophists. What is up with this dog business? I never ever said that he is permitted to annoy dogs. He was interested in doing so for a time when he was really little but we basically sat on him constantly.

Much of this behavior is in the past for us, in fact. This is stuff ime kids with issues do at 3-4, but we have new issues at 5. More complex social challenges that still bring the ire of others. I was trying to give examples that were quick.

Also re other parents yelling, yes, that's happened. Less actual screaming more what is wrong with you?! Type stuff. Which is kind of funny.

I understand that I may have not been communicating clearlyX I was triggered to post by a super difficult park interaction and we have not had one in some time. I was actually forcing my kid to share a toy he brought to the park unbeknownst to me - so yeah I get it happens! - and melt down after melt down ensued when it was grabbed from him and he repeatedly tried to grab it back. The most stressful part of it was trying to follow him and parents on the play equipment with their babies blocking my view.

On the whole though - the horrific adult behavior we have been subjected to is what has truly shocked me about having a child with a disability. The ignorance and intolerance is mind boggling. And you should all want it to improve because your children are indeed going to have their own issues and the world is just mean. But being mean to little kids? That's a whole different ball of wax.

And that's it. I'm not expecting to shed some light on anything for people who refuse to learn.

Perhaps the adults are reacting to you. You sound awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here, who has read the whole thread. I actually have some sympathy for the OP-- everyone needs to be more understanding of SN, for example. And I'd strongnly suspect that parents of kids with SN have 100x as many opportunities to see people being jerks about kids with SN than parents of kids without. I mean, as a white woman, I never saw (or "never saw") a cab fail to stop for black people until I tried to catch one with two black girlfriends.

That said, where OP loses me is when she says one of the techniques for dealing with her son's behavior is "planned ignoring." I don't have a problem with that strategy and assume it's good advice. However, there's literally no way for bystanders to know if she's using that strategy or simply ignoring, not even witnessing, or, worse, passively condoning his behavior. And assuming the best of her ignoring is really a bridge too far. Planned ignoring may be the best strategy for the child's behavior, but it's simply not practicable in these sorts of contexts, OP. "Assuming the best" *in general* is a good idea. Assuming that a mother who ignores her kid's aggressive behavior is implementing a therapist's advice? Without her telling the other parent and child this? Sorry, but that's too much of a stretch.

(And BTW, the behavior described may not be egregious or intentional, but yes, it's aggressive.)

Well to take your analogy to the logical conclusion, black people don't owe some duty to the racist world to educate them. If my kids flapping like a crazy Elton and making noises at your kid and I'm moving him away, like our therapist has advised and yes planned ignoring is a thing, I'm not going to be taking the time to explain to you why. If you had a kid with special needs you'd understand: when he is dysregulated like that I have to follow him. Like literally be on his back. And yes we're leaving. And I have other kids. So I'm busy and I don't owe you a huge explanation. Do the people who aggressively push by me on the metro owe me some explanation? Maybe. Am I getting one? Yeah no.

Don't even try the racism card. AS a black women and a mom of SN kids I'm not here for it. You are changing the narrative and you know it, do behaviors like flapping and screaming gets some looks and comments yes, and you are right to ignore those.
You also know that your kid hitting and spitting at a child from the perspective of the child and the parent are not the same. Do you need to launch into full-blow explanation? Nope. But a simple " I'm sorry. Is she okay. We're working on it. " Go along way. You've done your part then, if they choose to gripe about it some more that's on them

Thank you! I was just about to post the same thing.

OP, please get professional help for yourself.

Signed, a different AA mom with kids with SN.