Update: New nephews not fitting into family dynamic - SHTF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Completely NP. Not sure if OP is sock puppeting. I can see both sides. A nice birthday party for dad. Not wanting the misbehaving in-law step - children throwing a tantrum.
But it is rude to invite BIL and three nieces and exclude new SIL and step nephews, even if they are brats.
So, make amends OP. Stress that you really are just concerned about having a nice party for your dad, and you didn't mean for her to be insulted by your efforts. Ask her for advice on how to have a good evening with the boys and attendance. Maybe you could arrange that if they want to sit and play video games they need to go to another room where none of the guests are. That way the boys can come, brother-in-law and sister-in-law are happy, and they will be in a room where they can throw tantrums without anyone noticing.

No, no, no. OP should tell the BIL and SIL to shape up or ship out. This coddling of the boys and their mother is BS. The tolerance of the BILs standing by and doing nothing about this is BS, too. Bad behavior should have consequences.

This is why their are so many inconsiderate people running around. People put up with their nonsense and make excuses for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kids are obviously stressed out. It will take a while to find out what their "real" personalities are like, once the dust settles in their new family.

Try to be a kind adult in their lives, OP.

Yes maybe they're not too happy with their new step dad banging their mommy. Oedipus etc.

Didn't their mother die? Come on. They're hurting. Isn't that obvious?

No, the BIL was widowed. Do we know if new SIL was divorced or widowed? Not sure.

Anyway, sick of these excuses for this behavior from the boys. That behavior is clearly a long-time in the making. SIL has no parenting skills. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Completely NP. Not sure if OP is sock puppeting. I can see both sides. A nice birthday party for dad. Not wanting the misbehaving in-law step - children throwing a tantrum.
But it is rude to invite BIL and three nieces and exclude new SIL and step nephews, even if they are brats.
So, make amends OP. Stress that you really are just concerned about having a nice party for your dad, and you didn't mean for her to be insulted by your efforts. Ask her for advice on how to have a good evening with the boys and attendance. Maybe you could arrange that if they want to sit and play video games they need to go to another room where none of the guests are. That way the boys can come, brother-in-law and sister-in-law are happy, and they will be in a room where they can throw tantrums without anyone noticing.

Um, no. What would stop them from leaving the room to throw tantrums? Tantrums require audiences.

OP you will not win this fight because you did not create the issues here. Let your dad enjoy his birthday and deal with the consequences, whatever they may be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Completely NP. Not sure if OP is sock puppeting. I can see both sides. A nice birthday party for dad. Not wanting the misbehaving in-law step - children throwing a tantrum.
But it is rude to invite BIL and three nieces and exclude new SIL and step nephews, even if they are brats.
So, make amends OP. Stress that you really are just concerned about having a nice party for your dad, and you didn't mean for her to be insulted by your efforts. Ask her for advice on how to have a good evening with the boys and attendance. Maybe you could arrange that if they want to sit and play video games they need to go to another room where none of the guests are. That way the boys can come, brother-in-law and sister-in-law are happy, and they will be in a room where they can throw tantrums without anyone noticing.

No, no, no. OP should tell the BIL and SIL to shape up or ship out. This coddling of the boys and their mother is BS. The tolerance of the BILs standing by and doing nothing about this is BS, too. Bad behavior should have consequences.

This is why their are so many inconsiderate people running around. People put up with their nonsense and make excuses for them.

I wasn't making excuses for them. The OP cannot parent other people's children. If brother-in-law and his children are as close to her father Ashley claims, then it is completely inappropriate to only invite brother-in-law and the daughters and not sister-in-law and her sons. It isn't 0P's birthday. It is her father. Her father - who according to OP - considers her brother-in-law's children his grandchildren. He wants them there. It is not for her to dictate that only half her BILs family can come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me so mad.

I don't care what the bratty boys were doing. They are family now, and you can't just excommunicate them.
They matter, and the 3 girls matter, and the grandfather matters.

Families figure out how to accommodate everyone, even when it's challenging. That is what families do.

I am absolutely sickened by this thread.

If you read this thread and the other you would see that there has been so much stress for months and months trying to accommodate this situation.

What would you do if you were so stressed out from trying everything and then have this happen. SIL agreed and then turned around and flipped out.

If the grandfather matters, shouldn't he be allowed to have a stress free 75th birthday?

Not if it means pretending that family members don't exist for convenience' sake.

And the SIL was probably shocked about the OP's request. She probably didn't know what to say and felt embarrassed and humiliated.

What the OP did is honestly unforgivable.

You obviously haven't read it then.

No one is pretending the two boys don't exist. They were asked to behave at an important family event and the mother agreed they couldn't/wouldn't and said it was best they not go.

How can she be shocked? This has been going on for months, including fights with her spouse about it.

Unforgivable is allowing your children to destroy family events, to bully and physically harm young girls and to lash out at the only person left even trying in this situation.

OP, stop sock-puppeting your thread as though people agree with you.

We've read your equally horrible initial thread. The mother didn't agree to anything. She suggested they play on their iPads and you BULLIED her into having them stay home.

You are destroying family events b/c these kids are now part of your family. (Poor them.) Also, farting and burping in church isn't a mortal sin. God forgives them.

You are nasty through and through and have zero moral ground to stand on.

You quoted me and I am not the OP. I have been reading this thread and the other. This was right in the first post of this thread. ". I was open to having them there if she made sure they didn't disrupt any of the festivities planned for my dad, but she said it would be best that they didn't attend. They wouldn't enjoy themselves anyway."

The only bullies here are the SIL and sadly the two boys who have been neglected do to her poor parenting. The only people destroying family events are them.

I don't know what world you live in but in my world someone who opens their family and their home and then bends over backwards and stresses their lives out to accommodate you is hardly "nasty through and through".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Completely NP. Not sure if OP is sock puppeting. I can see both sides. A nice birthday party for dad. Not wanting the misbehaving in-law step - children throwing a tantrum.
But it is rude to invite BIL and three nieces and exclude new SIL and step nephews, even if they are brats.
So, make amends OP. Stress that you really are just concerned about having a nice party for your dad, and you didn't mean for her to be insulted by your efforts. Ask her for advice on how to have a good evening with the boys and attendance. Maybe you could arrange that if they want to sit and play video games they need to go to another room where none of the guests are. That way the boys can come, brother-in-law and sister-in-law are happy, and they will be in a room where they can throw tantrums without anyone noticing.

No, no, no. OP should tell the BIL and SIL to shape up or ship out. This coddling of the boys and their mother is BS. The tolerance of the BILs standing by and doing nothing about this is BS, too. Bad behavior should have consequences.

This is why their are so many inconsiderate people running around. People put up with their nonsense and make excuses for them.

I wasn't making excuses for them. The OP cannot parent other people's children. If brother-in-law and his children are as close to her father Ashley claims, then it is completely inappropriate to only invite brother-in-law and the daughters and not sister-in-law and her sons. It isn't 0P's birthday. It is her father. Her father - who according to OP - considers her brother-in-law's children his grandchildren. He wants them there. It is not for her to dictate that only half her BILs family can come.

The grandfather doesn't want the boys there nor does he want them on vacations anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me so mad.

I don't care what the bratty boys were doing. They are family now, and you can't just excommunicate them.
They matter, and the 3 girls matter, and the grandfather matters.

Families figure out how to accommodate everyone, even when it's challenging. That is what families do.

I am absolutely sickened by this thread.

If you read this thread and the other you would see that there has been so much stress for months and months trying to accommodate this situation.

What would you do if you were so stressed out from trying everything and then have this happen. SIL agreed and then turned around and flipped out.

If the grandfather matters, shouldn't he be allowed to have a stress free 75th birthday?

Not if it means pretending that family members don't exist for convenience' sake.

And the SIL was probably shocked about the OP's request. She probably didn't know what to say and felt embarrassed and humiliated.

What the OP did is honestly unforgivable.

Is this the SIL posting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Completely NP. Not sure if OP is sock puppeting. I can see both sides. A nice birthday party for dad. Not wanting the misbehaving in-law step - children throwing a tantrum.
But it is rude to invite BIL and three nieces and exclude new SIL and step nephews, even if they are brats.
So, make amends OP. Stress that you really are just concerned about having a nice party for your dad, and you didn't mean for her to be insulted by your efforts. Ask her for advice on how to have a good evening with the boys and attendance. Maybe you could arrange that if they want to sit and play video games they need to go to another room where none of the guests are. That way the boys can come, brother-in-law and sister-in-law are happy, and they will be in a room where they can throw tantrums without anyone noticing.

This is my question to everyone who keeps saying "OP is a beast, the innocent little boys can just go, sit in another room and bury their faces in their iPads" - what would be the point in that? Surely they can be expected to behave and begrudgingly enjoy a freaking party. Oh the horrors!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me so mad.

I don't care what the bratty boys were doing. They are family now, and you can't just excommunicate them.
They matter, and the 3 girls matter, and the grandfather matters.

Families figure out how to accommodate everyone, even when it's challenging. That is what families do.

I am absolutely sickened by this thread.

If you read this thread and the other you would see that there has been so much stress for months and months trying to accommodate this situation.

What would you do if you were so stressed out from trying everything and then have this happen. SIL agreed and then turned around and flipped out.

If the grandfather matters, shouldn't he be allowed to have a stress free 75th birthday?

Not if it means pretending that family members don't exist for convenience' sake.

And the SIL was probably shocked about the OP's request. She probably didn't know what to say and felt embarrassed and humiliated.

What the OP did is honestly unforgivable.

Is this the SIL posting?

I feel that the SIL must be posting or a lot of people are projecting their own insecurities or just not comprehending what is happening here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me so mad.

I don't care what the bratty boys were doing. They are family now, and you can't just excommunicate them.
They matter, and the 3 girls matter, and the grandfather matters.

Families figure out how to accommodate everyone, even when it's challenging. That is what families do.

I am absolutely sickened by this thread.

If you read this thread and the other you would see that there has been so much stress for months and months trying to accommodate this situation.

What would you do if you were so stressed out from trying everything and then have this happen. SIL agreed and then turned around and flipped out.

If the grandfather matters, shouldn't he be allowed to have a stress free 75th birthday?

Not if it means pretending that family members don't exist for convenience' sake.

And the SIL was probably shocked about the OP's request. She probably didn't know what to say and felt embarrassed and humiliated.

What the OP did is honestly unforgivable.

Is this the SIL posting?

I feel that the SIL must be posting or a lot of people are projecting their own insecurities or just not comprehending what is happening here.

Oh come on, OP. Please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Completely NP. Not sure if OP is sock puppeting. I can see both sides. A nice birthday party for dad. Not wanting the misbehaving in-law step - children throwing a tantrum.
But it is rude to invite BIL and three nieces and exclude new SIL and step nephews, even if they are brats.
So, make amends OP. Stress that you really are just concerned about having a nice party for your dad, and you didn't mean for her to be insulted by your efforts. Ask her for advice on how to have a good evening with the boys and attendance. Maybe you could arrange that if they want to sit and play video games they need to go to another room where none of the guests are. That way the boys can come, brother-in-law and sister-in-law are happy, and they will be in a room where they can throw tantrums without anyone noticing.

This is my question to everyone who keeps saying "OP is a beast, the innocent little boys can just go, sit in another room and bury their faces in their iPads" - what would be the point in that? Surely they can be expected to behave and begrudgingly enjoy a freaking party. Oh the horrors!

Well, OP could try (again) to parent other people's kids against the wishes of the children's parents... Or she could be rude and only invite the part of the family she likes, or she could meet halfway. What is the best example here? Invite the brats, trying to force them to behave? Ignore her BILs new family? Or try and take the high road?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Completely NP. Not sure if OP is sock puppeting. I can see both sides. A nice birthday party for dad. Not wanting the misbehaving in-law step - children throwing a tantrum.
But it is rude to invite BIL and three nieces and exclude new SIL and step nephews, even if they are brats.
So, make amends OP. Stress that you really are just concerned about having a nice party for your dad, and you didn't mean for her to be insulted by your efforts. Ask her for advice on how to have a good evening with the boys and attendance. Maybe you could arrange that if they want to sit and play video games they need to go to another room where none of the guests are. That way the boys can come, brother-in-law and sister-in-law are happy, and they will be in a room where they can throw tantrums without anyone noticing.

No, no, no. OP should tell the BIL and SIL to shape up or ship out. This coddling of the boys and their mother is BS. The tolerance of the BILs standing by and doing nothing about this is BS, too. Bad behavior should have consequences.

This is why their are so many inconsiderate people running around. People put up with their nonsense and make excuses for them.

I wasn't making excuses for them. The OP cannot parent other people's children. If brother-in-law and his children are as close to her father Ashley claims, then it is completely inappropriate to only invite brother-in-law and the daughters and not sister-in-law and her sons. It isn't 0P's birthday. It is her father. Her father - who according to OP - considers her brother-in-law's children his grandchildren. He wants them there. It is not for her to dictate that only half her BILs family can come.

The grandfather doesn't want the boys there nor does he want them on vacations anymore.

Then grandfather needs to take the hit for not wanting them there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Completely NP. Not sure if OP is sock puppeting. I can see both sides. A nice birthday party for dad. Not wanting the misbehaving in-law step - children throwing a tantrum.
But it is rude to invite BIL and three nieces and exclude new SIL and step nephews, even if they are brats.
So, make amends OP. Stress that you really are just concerned about having a nice party for your dad, and you didn't mean for her to be insulted by your efforts. Ask her for advice on how to have a good evening with the boys and attendance. Maybe you could arrange that if they want to sit and play video games they need to go to another room where none of the guests are. That way the boys can come, brother-in-law and sister-in-law are happy, and they will be in a room where they can throw tantrums without anyone noticing.

This is my question to everyone who keeps saying "OP is a beast, the innocent little boys can just go, sit in another room and bury their faces in their iPads" - what would be the point in that? Surely they can be expected to behave and begrudgingly enjoy a freaking party. Oh the horrors!

Well, OP could try (again) to parent other people's kids against the wishes of the children's parents... Or she could be rude and only invite the part of the family she likes, or she could meet halfway. What is the best example here? Invite the brats, trying to force them to behave? Ignore her BILs new family? Or try and take the high road?

If your children cannot behave and make everyone around them miserable and someone says "Please make sure they behave or they won't be invited back" how is that parenting a kid against a parents wishes?

How can you not think the parent is not the rude one here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me so mad.

I don't care what the bratty boys were doing. They are family now, and you can't just excommunicate them.
They matter, and the 3 girls matter, and the grandfather matters.

Families figure out how to accommodate everyone, even when it's challenging. That is what families do.

I am absolutely sickened by this thread.

If you read this thread and the other you would see that there has been so much stress for months and months trying to accommodate this situation.

What would you do if you were so stressed out from trying everything and then have this happen. SIL agreed and then turned around and flipped out.

If the grandfather matters, shouldn't he be allowed to have a stress free 75th birthday?

Not if it means pretending that family members don't exist for convenience' sake.

And the SIL was probably shocked about the OP's request. She probably didn't know what to say and felt embarrassed and humiliated.

What the OP did is honestly unforgivable.

Is this the SIL posting?

I feel that the SIL must be posting or a lot of people are projecting their own insecurities or just not comprehending what is happening here.

Oh come on, OP. Please.

Are you the one who accused the other poster of being the OP? Because wrong again my friend.

Why do you find it so shocking that others might agree that this is a messed up stressful mess for the OPs family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Completely NP. Not sure if OP is sock puppeting. I can see both sides. A nice birthday party for dad. Not wanting the misbehaving in-law step - children throwing a tantrum.
But it is rude to invite BIL and three nieces and exclude new SIL and step nephews, even if they are brats.
So, make amends OP. Stress that you really are just concerned about having a nice party for your dad, and you didn't mean for her to be insulted by your efforts. Ask her for advice on how to have a good evening with the boys and attendance. Maybe you could arrange that if they want to sit and play video games they need to go to another room where none of the guests are. That way the boys can come, brother-in-law and sister-in-law are happy, and they will be in a room where they can throw tantrums without anyone noticing.

This is my question to everyone who keeps saying "OP is a beast, the innocent little boys can just go, sit in another room and bury their faces in their iPads" - what would be the point in that? Surely they can be expected to behave and begrudgingly enjoy a freaking party. Oh the horrors!

Well, OP could try (again) to parent other people's kids against the wishes of the children's parents... Or she could be rude and only invite the part of the family she likes, or she could meet halfway. What is the best example here? Invite the brats, trying to force them to behave? Ignore her BILs new family? Or try and take the high road?

If your children cannot behave and make everyone around them miserable and someone says "Please make sure they behave or they won't be invited back" how is that parenting a kid against a parents wishes?

How can you not think the parent is not the rude one here?

I'm with you PP. I am baffled by the posters who are giving OP a hard time here and making excuses for these boys and their mother. The SIL is a horrible parent. Period. The BIL is enabling. OP has made a good faith effort. You can't ask more than that. Either the BIL and SIL grow backbones and start getting those boys in line or they are out.