I'm making a choice that could break my family apart.

[Anonymous]

You're giving a lot of very specific details and now saying your SIL "is telling everyone on social media" that she's going to be a mother and you're going to be her surrogate. Next are you going to say you're not in the DC area, so no one should worry that you're posting in such detail?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I just want to clarify something. They lost their baby at 34 weeks, 7 years ago and while I know the pain will always be there I want to make it clear that I did not offer surrogacy to someone who had just suffered through such a loss.

She is now telling everyone on social media that she is going to be a mother and I am going to be her surrogate.

I don't even know what to do at this point. Thank goodness I can talk here, I don't want to bother DH at work.

Just when I thought this couldn't get worse for you, OP.
You need to bother DH at work about this.
You can't accept the terms she is insisting on, and the fact that she went from rage over you daring to make the offer to be a surrogate to blasting it all over social media is just a tiny taste of the painful emotional roller coaster she will take your entire family on if you go through with this.

To the haters on this thread, let me be clear. I have deep sympathy for SIL, I can get behind the idea that SIL should be forgiven for her outbursts and demands, due to the emotional pain she has endured for years.
I can think that and simultaneously in my have the deep conviction that OP should absolutely NOT proceed any further with surrogacy for this couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm sorry, but this rates as a first world problem. This woman cannot bear children, but has a family who is willing to support her desires to the point where the will bear her children for her. Seriously folks?

Yes she has fears and inadequate a to deal with, but also the full extent of opportunity anyone could even dream of. Many infertile women would give any thing for a surrogate volunteer. This woman cannot see the blessing she had, which is her right. But she shouldn't bash OP for her kindness.

This sums it up perfectly. How ungrateful and narcissistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're giving a lot of very specific details and now saying your SIL "is telling everyone on social media" that she's going to be a mother and you're going to be her surrogate. Next are you going to say you're not in the DC area, so no one should worry that you're posting in such detail?

We are in DC and they are in Baltimore, if someone wants to find a needle in a haystack have at it. I came here for support and advice and I wasn't going to twist details or leave things out and have the thread devolve into cries of "troll" because of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm not saying SIL hasn't said she wants a surrogate, but who knows if deep down she really wanted one, you know? Maybe she didn't really want it and was using finances as her out. Then when BIL accepted the offer without discussing with SIL, she flipped out because it made it an attainable possibility.

And this is OPs fault how? Also OP has stated ad nauseam that SIL was desperate for a surrogate and the money to fund it - why is this so hard for people to understand.

I'm not saying it was OP's fault at all. I already said I think it was BIL who mishandled it to begin with and that it clearly is an issue between husband and wife that she's taking out on OP. I think OP unknowingly wandered into a hornet's nest of issues that have nothing to do with her and SIL is taking it out on her. Again, let me repeate- I don't think this is OP's fault at all.

I also think what SIL says is one thing and how she might actually feel is another...but I'll accept what SIL said about wanting a surrogate at face value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I just want to clarify something. They lost their baby at 34 weeks, 7 years ago and while I know the pain will always be there I want to make it clear that I did not offer surrogacy to someone who had just suffered through such a loss.

She is now telling everyone on social media that she is going to be a mother and I am going to be her surrogate.

I don't even know what to do at this point. Thank goodness I can talk here, I don't want to bother DH at work.

Just when I thought this couldn't get worse for you, OP.
You need to bother DH at work about this.
You can't accept the terms she is insisting on, and the fact that she went from rage over you daring to make the offer to be a surrogate to blasting it all over social media is just a tiny taste of the painful emotional roller coaster she will take your entire family on if you go through with this.

To the haters on this thread, let me be clear. I have deep sympathy for SIL, I can get behind the idea that SIL should be forgiven for her outbursts and demands, due to the emotional pain she has endured for years.
I can think that and simultaneously in my have the deep conviction that OP should absolutely NOT proceed any further with surrogacy for this couple.

I agree. I would be calling my DH. Putting this up on social media is very bad. It was just lead to more questions from others and prolong the drama.

[Anonymous]

You would have to be insane to proceed. Your SIL sounds like she needs some help. She is not emotionally stable enough right now to have a child via a surrogate. No matter what you do, you won't be able to please her & she will likely tear the family apart anyway. The best thing you can do is decline to proceed and keep your distance.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all of the responses, but I'll state the obvious from the perspective of someone who had twins via gestational surrogacy: you cannot do this for your in-laws under the current circumstances and probably not ever.

My best friend (with her husband's full support) offered to carry a child/ren for me after I had a stillborn baby (37 weeks) and then was diagnosed with uterine cancer (=hysterectomy). This was a BIG DEAL all around - we were both on the young side (30) and she had not yet had children of her own. We both worked in biglaw. This would not have worked if all of us - as emotional a situation as it was - were not level-headed, rational people.

Your SIL's demand list is insane. I did everything humanly possible to support my friend before, during, and after the boys were born - including giving her space when she needed it, driving the babies to be with her when she wanted (we lived about 3 hours apart), going on 2 and 3 day trips with the four of us as the babies got older so our time together wasn't rushed, etc. We both live in DC now, and my sons are 14. They babysit for her kids, boys 6 and 9, and spend the night at her house all of time. The four boys bascially have two households. All of them are comfortable around the two sets of grandparents who are local.

If your SIL wants to go the surrogacy route, she needs to save up and hire a surrogate. She does not seem capable of doing this with someone who will be in her and her child's life for the long-term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all of the responses, but I'll state the obvious from the perspective of someone who had twins via gestational surrogacy: you cannot do this for your in-laws under the current circumstances and probably not ever.

My best friend (with her husband's full support) offered to carry a child/ren for me after I had a stillborn baby (37 weeks) and then was diagnosed with uterine cancer (=hysterectomy). This was a BIG DEAL all around - we were both on the young side (30) and she had not yet had children of her own. We both worked in biglaw. This would not have worked if all of us - as emotional a situation as it was - were not level-headed, rational people.

Your SIL's demand list is insane. I did everything humanly possible to support my friend before, during, and after the boys were born - including giving her space when she needed it, driving the babies to be with her when she wanted (we lived about 3 hours apart), going on 2 and 3 day trips with the four of us as the babies got older so our time together wasn't rushed, etc. We both live in DC now, and my sons are 14. They babysit for her kids, boys 6 and 9, and spend the night at her house all of time. The four boys bascially have two households. All of them are comfortable around the two sets of grandparents who are local.

If your SIL wants to go the surrogacy route, she needs to save up and hire a surrogate. She does not seem capable of doing this with someone who will be in her and her child's life for the long-term.

I thought you couldn't be a surrogate until you had carried and delivered a healthy baby?

[Anonymous]

NP. I think the problem is that you did due diligence for your interests and not for your SIL who is an a lot of emotional pain and is probably still grieving the loss of three babies one of which she had to deliver and then bury/cremate (even if it was 7 years ago). I can’t imagine being the same person after having to pick a casket, plan a memorial service or select an urn for the remains of my baby. So like some of the other posters said, I’m giving your SIL a lot of leeway and I can definitely understand her behavior when you mentioned you being the solution to her problem. You are the one person whose life she desperately wants and for you to finally give her the one thing she wants is cruelly ironic to her. I understand that you saw a fertility specialist and your lawyer, but did you also consult a therapist trained in dealing with surrogacy/fertility issues? All parties undergoing gestational surrogacy have to have extensive therapy and the therapist must gain consent (without duress) from all parties before moving on? Did you talk with a therapist because I think he/she might have mentioned the possible fallout that could and did result. I think if you had broached this subject with your SIL first, she could have let you know that she was not interested in this as a solution. I think you had the best intentions but should have done a little more due diligence before inserting yourself as the solution to SIL’s fertility issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are making the right decision not to do this.

I agree. She sounds completely nuts, and they will be divorced within two years

You offered an amazing gift, and to be treated like that, and then given that list of demands? No thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're giving a lot of very specific details and now saying your SIL "is telling everyone on social media" that she's going to be a mother and you're going to be her surrogate. Next are you going to say you're not in the DC area, so no one should worry that you're posting in such detail?

We are in DC and they are in Baltimore, if someone wants to find a needle in a haystack have at it. I came here for support and advice and I wasn't going to twist details or leave things out and have the thread devolve into cries of "troll" because of it.

I understand your concerns and I certainly understand wanting advice and support in such a challenging situation. I'm just pointing out that there's a lot of detail here. I doubt it's a needle and haystack situation, especially if you're in DC and they're in Baltimore. If one of your SIL's friends happens on both this thread and one of her social media posts, it might be fairly easy to make the connection. I didn't know if you had considered that possibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all of the responses, but I'll state the obvious from the perspective of someone who had twins via gestational surrogacy: you cannot do this for your in-laws under the current circumstances and probably not ever.

My best friend (with her husband's full support) offered to carry a child/ren for me after I had a stillborn baby (37 weeks) and then was diagnosed with uterine cancer (=hysterectomy). This was a BIG DEAL all around - we were both on the young side (30) and she had not yet had children of her own. We both worked in biglaw. This would not have worked if all of us - as emotional a situation as it was - were not level-headed, rational people.

Your SIL's demand list is insane. I did everything humanly possible to support my friend before, during, and after the boys were born - including giving her space when she needed it, driving the babies to be with her when she wanted (we lived about 3 hours apart), going on 2 and 3 day trips with the four of us as the babies got older so our time together wasn't rushed, etc. We both live in DC now, and my sons are 14. They babysit for her kids, boys 6 and 9, and spend the night at her house all of time. The four boys bascially have two households. All of them are comfortable around the two sets of grandparents who are local.

If your SIL wants to go the surrogacy route, she needs to save up and hire a surrogate. She does not seem capable of doing this with someone who will be in her and her child's life for the long-term.

I thought you couldn't be a surrogate until you had carried and delivered a healthy baby?

That is the general policy, and we were turned away by 4 REs before we found one that would work with us. We ended up at Dominion Fertility. Dr. Gordon took us on - of course, after we all passed the psychological check.

Actually, I'd forgotten about that. I assume that's a hurdle in all surrogacy situations. To the OP, there's your answer. There is no way a reputable practice would take your SIL on as a patient in her current frame of mind - she would never get past the mental fitness check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I think the problem is that you did due diligence for your interests and not for your SIL who is an a lot of emotional pain and is probably still grieving the loss of three babies one of which she had to deliver and then bury/cremate (even if it was 7 years ago). I can’t imagine being the same person after having to pick a casket, plan a memorial service or select an urn for the remains of my baby. So like some of the other posters said, I’m giving your SIL a lot of leeway and I can definitely understand her behavior when you mentioned you being the solution to her problem. You are the one person whose life she desperately wants and for you to finally give her the one thing she wants is cruelly ironic to her. I understand that you saw a fertility specialist and your lawyer, but did you also consult a therapist trained in dealing with surrogacy/fertility issues? All parties undergoing gestational surrogacy have to have extensive therapy and the therapist must gain consent (without duress) from all parties before moving on? Did you talk with a therapist because I think he/she might have mentioned the possible fallout that could and did result. I think if you had broached this subject with your SIL first, she could have let you know that she was not interested in this as a solution. I think you had the best intentions but should have done a little more due diligence before inserting yourself as the solution to SIL’s fertility issues.

No, because we were told counseling would be the next step if all parties made the decision to move forward. As for the rest of your post whatever, you want to blame me for this, so you will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if the child had special needs? I suspect your SIL would blame you and lash out. And not just once, but ongoing. To you, your husband, your in-laws, your kids, and her kid.

This is what worries me. It sound from your original post that you have had four healthy, full-term pregnancies. And hopefully, another one would be just the same. But you never know, and based on what you said, your SIL has an enormous amount of resentment towards you. I can't even imagine what would happen if you carried a baby for her and delivered prematurely, or the child was anything less than her vision of "perfect". She would absolutely blame you, even though of course it would not be your fault.