DD 16 is involved in a sexual relationship

[Anonymous]

I honestly wonder about some of the people expressing outrage in this thread to the point of saying the OP isn't even parenting. I'm not sure they have kids that are over the age of 10 or were teenagers themselves. In what world have teens never had sex? Do you honestly NEVER leave your 16 year olds unattended at home?

My son is 16 and has a serious girlfriend. Both are honor students, active in sports and other extracurriculars. Son has his license, a car, and a part-time job. I trust him to drive to and from school, work, and have hours of unsupervised time outside of our home- yet according to some posters I'm not supposed to trust him in my own home? At some point- I have to let go and let him navigate the world on his own. I've talked with him about sex and laid down clear rules and expectations. I trust him and he has rarely done anything for me to question that trust.

OP's mistake was not discussing sex and setting rules and expectations earlier. But if her daughter wants to have sex, she's going to have sex. To all the outraged posters- no amount of slut shaming will change this for OP's kid or your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So it's ok if they have sex in a car/park/classroom/church/chemistry lab, but it's not ok if they have sex in your house? I don't understand that thinking.

If it is hard to do something, they are less likely to do it.

I'm not persuaded, given the huge number of people I know who had sex in high school in places that were not their own bedroom, compared to the two people I know whose parents allowed them to have sex in their own bedroom.

Plus if they have sex in those public, non-bedroom places, it's riskier. I prefer to mitigate risks.

[Anonymous]

OP is operating along a set of values that i can't even fathom so no need for me to comment - EXCEPT I do wonder what Step-Dad might think if this should blow up in their faces somehow about being left completely in the dark as to what was happening. I also question the entire layout of a home where a 16 year old was allowed to have a completely separate entrance to and from the home. It sounds like Mom wanted an adult ASAP in many ways.

However, for any parent of a boy, I think in this day and age they can't be any too trusting with any girl. And absolutely once a boy is 18, there ought to be no sex at all with an underage girl - just way too dangerous for the fellow. Relationships of teenagers are very fickle and then in college right now you add in the binge drinking and/or possibly drugs and it is a recipe for disaster on so many fronts. The "R" word is all to easy to use on the part of disgruntled teenage girl with or without birth control. Parents of teen girl encouraging them to have sex are no help to parents of boys who may be out there looking for 'experience."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the "we have rules and morals" parents just don't know their daughters are giving BJ's to boys at parties and church mixers. Keep your head in the sand, Parents, because the shock of what your child is doing outside of your home will kill you.

Actually, I do know that is going on. My child told me and we avoid those "parties" where parents have no rules, let kids "party" in the basement without any supervision. It is crazy to me that girls are giving out blowjobs so easily.

The other kids have social lives, go to movies, have friends over and don't need the drugs, alcohol and sex to have fun.

Your head is in the sand if you thing "all kids are doing it".

Exactly. Thank you. My 17 year old is an exceptional student and got into college of her choice. She does not date but have tons of friends who are boys - and has an active social life. I also know that some of the kids are having sex, making out with multiple partners, taking drugs and drinking...she shares all the gory details with me. She has seen kids crash and burn when these sexual relationships do not work. She chooses to have a lot of fun and new experiences - but always keeping herself safe (which actually the OP's daughter did) - and making sure that her life goals are not derailed because she is in a relationship.

Another thing is that we are from a different culture. Our family ties are very strong and we are not the kind of people who can be ok after failed and/or casual relationships. We are not really that hardened emotionally. So, she will be hesitant getting into a sexual relationship not because premarital sex is taboo and virginity is prized in the home country, but mainly because she can not be emotionally detached enough to have casual sex, or shrug it off if a relationship does not work out.

If my DD was having safe sex, I would be more worried about her emotional state, maturity and her decision making abilities for the future - and not as much about having sex per se.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So it's ok if they have sex in a car/park/classroom/church/chemistry lab, but it's not ok if they have sex in your house? I don't understand that thinking.

If it is hard to do something, they are less likely to do it.

I'm not persuaded, given the huge number of people I know who had sex in high school in places that were not their own bedroom, compared to the two people I know whose parents allowed them to have sex in their own bedroom.

Plus if they have sex in those public, non-bedroom places, it's riskier. I prefer to mitigate risks.

And maybe they wouldn't have gotten started so early. Hanging out on a bed in a closed bedroom with a boy. Kinda hard to just twiddle your thumbs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds to me like your daughter (and her boyfriend!) are both mature and handling this responsibly.

And I understand the !!!! feelings (as much as I can, with my children not yet in high school), but children do grow up and start doing grown-up things, for good or bad. And if they're going to have sex, then I'd rather it happen comfortably and safely in my child's own home, instead of uncomfortably and unsafely who knows where.

I agree with this. For me I think my reaction would come down to the state of the relationship between DD and Boyfriend. If it's a stable, healthy and respectful relationship -- I would talk to DD about the potential consequences (all of them, including what if BC doesn't work, what if your relationship doesn't last, what if your relationship does last are you going to regret being that serious that young, societal perceptions, etc) and then I would just make sure that the couple is being legal and safe. I would impress on DD that she and her BF are making an adult decision so they need to handle it maturely and they owe her stepfather and BF's parents the respect of not sneaking around. Someone -- either DD or I -- would be telling DH/her stepfather, because I do not keep secrets from my partner. Secrets about personal lives invite drama and ruin relationships. I would make it clear that while I would keep my silence on the issue to everyone other than my DH I would also never lie to or intentionally mislead BF's parents.

I would tell DD my personal feelings, that I would prefer she not be having sex as a minor, but I wouldn't try to force her to stop having sex (that would not work) or compel her make me a promise she had no intention of keeping about how she would stop having sex (bad idea for our relationship). I DEFINITELY would not force the couple to break up, or purposefully engineer a conflict with the boy's parents with the intention that that would force the two to break up.

Isn't it dishonest to know something like that concerning their kid and not tell them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly wonder about some of the people expressing outrage in this thread to the point of saying the OP isn't even parenting. I'm not sure they have kids that are over the age of 10 or were teenagers themselves. In what world have teens never had sex? Do you honestly NEVER leave your 16 year olds unattended at home?

My son is 16 and has a serious girlfriend. Both are honor students, active in sports and other extracurriculars. Son has his license, a car, and a part-time job. I trust him to drive to and from school, work, and have hours of unsupervised time outside of our home- yet according to some posters I'm not supposed to trust him in my own home? At some point- I have to let go and let him navigate the world on his own. I've talked with him about sex and laid down clear rules and expectations. I trust him and he has rarely done anything for me to question that trust.

OP's mistake was not discussing sex and setting rules and expectations earlier. But if her daughter wants to have sex, she's going to have sex. To all the outraged posters- no amount of slut shaming will change this for OP's kid or your own.

Yes, we know. There are no average children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So it's ok if they have sex in a car/park/classroom/church/chemistry lab, but it's not ok if they have sex in your house? I don't understand that thinking.

If it is hard to do something, they are less likely to do it.

I'm not persuaded, given the huge number of people I know who had sex in high school in places that were not their own bedroom, compared to the two people I know whose parents allowed them to have sex in their own bedroom.

Plus if they have sex in those public, non-bedroom places, it's riskier. I prefer to mitigate risks.

And maybe they wouldn't have gotten started so early. Hanging out on a bed in a closed bedroom with a boy. Kinda hard to just twiddle your thumbs.

Most 16 year olds are driving, have jobs, and have hours of unsupervised time in and out of the home. You're nuts if you think they're only twiddling their thumbs 24/7. That's the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So it's ok if they have sex in a car/park/classroom/church/chemistry lab, but it's not ok if they have sex in your house? I don't understand that thinking.

If it is hard to do something, they are less likely to do it.

I'm not persuaded, given the huge number of people I know who had sex in high school in places that were not their own bedroom, compared to the two people I know whose parents allowed them to have sex in their own bedroom.

Plus if they have sex in those public, non-bedroom places, it's riskier. I prefer to mitigate risks.

And maybe they wouldn't have gotten started so early. Hanging out on a bed in a closed bedroom with a boy. Kinda hard to just twiddle your thumbs.

I did this when I was 16 (his bedroom). We made out, but we didn't have sex. Why? Because we chose not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly wonder about some of the people expressing outrage in this thread to the point of saying the OP isn't even parenting. I'm not sure they have kids that are over the age of 10 or were teenagers themselves. In what world have teens never had sex? Do you honestly NEVER leave your 16 year olds unattended at home?

My son is 16 and has a serious girlfriend. Both are honor students, active in sports and other extracurriculars. Son has his license, a car, and a part-time job. I trust him to drive to and from school, work, and have hours of unsupervised time outside of our home- yet according to some posters I'm not supposed to trust him in my own home? At some point- I have to let go and let him navigate the world on his own. I've talked with him about sex and laid down clear rules and expectations. I trust him and he has rarely done anything for me to question that trust.

OP's mistake was not discussing sex and setting rules and expectations earlier. But if her daughter wants to have sex, she's going to have sex. To all the outraged posters- no amount of slut shaming will change this for OP's kid or your own.

Yes, we know. There are no average children.

No- he sucks at basketball. I mean, a 6' try hard/hustle player is only going to get so many minutes.

My point stands that if I trust him to be out of my sight outside the house why can't I trust him in his own room? They go on dates, he goes to his job, he drove to a week-long football camp- at some point we have to allow our kids to go out into the big scary world on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So it's ok if they have sex in a car/park/classroom/church/chemistry lab, but it's not ok if they have sex in your house? I don't understand that thinking.

If it is hard to do something, they are less likely to do it.

I'm not persuaded, given the huge number of people I know who had sex in high school in places that were not their own bedroom, compared to the two people I know whose parents allowed them to have sex in their own bedroom.

Plus if they have sex in those public, non-bedroom places, it's riskier. I prefer to mitigate risks.

Or even more determined...

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the way through the thread, but you might want to double check dd's story. Did she cover the co pay at the doc? Who covered boyfriend's testing costs? (And I'm pretty sure OBs don't do STD testing on males)

[Anonymous]

OP, you presumably know your daughter's physician, correct? I am trying hard to picture how a 16 year-old girl who is in ballet class 3 hours a day, plus school, has time to take her boyfriend with her to her gynecologist to not only get birth control pills, but to have STD testing. That story doesn't hang together for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you presumably know your daughter's physician, correct? I am trying hard to picture how a 16 year-old girl who is in ballet class 3 hours a day, plus school, has time to take her boyfriend with her to her gynecologist to not only get birth control pills, but to have STD testing. That story doesn't hang together for me.

Don't forget the girl is a top scholar and a ballerina who is very popular at school and very savvy beyond her years. The boyfriend is being uplifted to a 4.0 and more maturity because of the daughter. They planned a joint trip to the gynecologist, discussed birth control, were joint tested for STDs and then split the bills 50-50.

The story doesn't hang together for me either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My only comment here is that 16 is too young to have such a serious relationship. Too much drama.

This is it in a nutshell. Really has nothing to do with prudishness about sex. Emotional maturity and life experience is just not there yet. Could we stop harping on class rank and ballerina?
So, if she was flunking out and a total slacker, then the sex part is not ok. Give me a break. Developmental appropriateness matters.

I think the importance of her class rank and extra curricular activity is that she is doing everything else "right" and her relationship has not effected her grades or dedication to her chosen activity. The boy is not the sole focus of her life.

I think if she is as mature as she sounds at 16 (setting her own curfew) then this is developmentally appropriate behavior. It is how most girls act in college anyway and she is just two years shy of that.

Unbelievable. It scares me that there are so many parents like you in this area. And by the way, it's "affected," not "effected."

Still not getting any?