Is it normal for sibling not to tell you they are having a baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has she had prior losses? I know people who told no one after they had loss(es) until the baby was born alive and home.

Not that I’m aware.

If she didn't tell you she was pregnant this time why would you think she would have told you about losses.

[Anonymous]

I know someone who didn't tell his family he was father until the kids were 4 and 6.

[Anonymous]

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OP here. I’m starting to wonder if they used a surrogate. Would that make this any less weird?

Maybe they do not want the child to know a surrogate was used. I haven't read the whole thread. If people know, it will be talked about. The child will hear. Maybe the mother would tell the child but wants to on her timeline. This desire for privacy, to keep silence re: details often happens with IVF and couples having fraternal twins.

Yeah because keeping secrets from your kids always ends well.

But apparently according to the other PP’s it’s fine to keep your pregnancy a secret from family members until after you give birth.

DP Keeping your pregnancy private from a sibling and keeping surrogacy a secret from a child are two entirely different things involving different circumstances.

That this is not understood is a good indication of why certain people are not getting the pregnancy information they think they are entitled to.

I'm actually not sure how one has to do with the other- unless OP's sibling is also keeping the surrogacy from everyone to protect the baby from hearing about it in a few years? OP are they saying they had the baby, not the surrogate?

OP here. They did not say anything either way, just sent a pic of the baby and announced it was born. That made me wonder if they possibly could have used a surrogate (they never mentioned anything about it), but I don’t have any evidence that they did.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What happened when you asked, “Hey so how come you didn’t tell us that you were pregnant?”

Don’t ask her that! her reasons are not your business. She obviously didn’t feel safe and supported and now she is doing better.

This isn’t some co-worker or neighbor. It’s a sibling!!! There is nothing wrong with simply asking the question. And where do you get off assuming the sister “didn’t feel safe or supported?” That is mighty presumptuous on your part, PP.

DP Why is it your business? It isn’t. It isn’t your business. If you need to know, you will be informed.

One more time: it’s family. Family supports one another. If I found out one of my siblings, with whom I’m not estranged, did this, I would genuinely want to know what is going on and what led to not disclosing a pregnancy. It is NOT normal behavior.

No, it’s none of my business if it’s a co-worker or neighbor. But it is my business if it’s family.

+1

It’s family so it hurts more if you are not told until after the baby is born. It means they don’t feel close enough to you to share it.

This is a choice.

You can examine why you feel “hurt” by how another adult chooses to manage their medical information, you can work on the relationship to build the closeness that you feel was missing, or you can center yourself in someone else’s story which may have nothing to do with you.

But it’s not just another ‘adult.’ Sounds like you don’t know what it’s like to have siblings whom you are close to. That’s your loss and there’s no way to make you understand in that case.

The “another adult” isn’t intended to suggest a lack of closeness, but rather an equality. Do you make all of your decisions about your medical care based on how they would make your sibling feel? Is how your sibling would feel more important than any other value you have? Do you expect your siblings to make painful choices just to make sure you are protected from hurt feelings?

I’m extremely close to my sibling. They suffered a traumatic loss a few years ago. If they called me and said come meet your new niece/nephew i wouldn’t waste a second feeling hurt.

+1 This is simply normal well-adjusted behavior.

Imagine explaining to a niece/nephew "I will have no relationship with you or your mother. Because your mother hurt my feelings by not telling me about her pregnancy when I decided she should. We are no contact."

Going no contact is very extreme. I think a more typical reaction would be to withdraw from sharing major life events with your sibling (as they have with you) and perhaps only mention them after they have already occurred.

In other words, distance yourself emotionally by not sharing personal information with them regarding life decisions. No need to go no contact though. You can still have a civil relationship!

OP here. Well yeah, sure. We can have a civil relationship. But it really makes me wonder what the point of that would be. If this person doesn’t even care enough about our relationship to inform me that this was happening when we are regularly in contact, then I’m not sure why we are even pretending to have this non existent relationship. You know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My thought is it was an unwanted pregnancy.

OP here. Yes, this has definitely crossed my mind as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't share this with a sibling and sure enough, they did go no contact. Literally just stopped replying to me when I shared. I tried to check in, but no dice. Five years later we still don't talk. While I could see why they were upset, ultimately their reaction seemed way too extreme.

OP here. Interesting. Can you explain why you didn’t tell your sibling. A few days on, I am thinking I will take the position your sibling took.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Here’s normal behavior -
“Hey sis who I text weekly, I’m expecting a baby in four months. We kept it quiet in the first trimester and I’m still kind of spooked so I’m not really up for discussing medical stuff and mom war stories, and we’re not talking about it on social media. Hope you understand”. Sibling: “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet the baby. I’m here if you need anything”. Sibling keeps mouth shut.

That’s not revealing “medical information”. It’s normal family interaction. If the relationship was bad, wouldn’t have been regular texts. It is insulting to the sibling not to tell about the baby until after the birth, although pregnant person does not owe anyone the blast on
“I’m in labor now!” That can wait until the baby arrives.

I continue to be astonished at how many people were seemingly raised by wolves and have their heads up their behinds about how they are the only people in the universe and everyone else is just a supporting character in their personal drama.

Coworker not saying anything is a little weird, but it’s fine.

Describe why you would be insulted. Explain how this is insulting to you personally.

DP but haven't you seen all the posts here indicating that if the sister didn't tell the OP, it's probably because OP is unsupportive or has done something wrong?

PP

I agree with several posters saying it would be cause for concern or raised awareness. The relationship could be under heightened examination. That sounds reasonable.

I don’t understand the immediate reaction to be hurt and personally insulted.

Right. If one of my sisters announced a birth, out of the blue, I'd be flabbergasted, but my immediate reaction would be intense concern. I'm asking "are you okay? Is baby okay? What can I do? I love you"

Same - I too would be surprised but wouldn’t make a thing out of that. It isn’t about me. It’s about a baby and a new mom, hopefully both healthy.

In fairness, OP's post expresses confusion more than anything else. I too would be confused because this would be unusual in my family- it's one thing to wait until several months in to tell people, particularly if there is a history of loss, it's another for this never to come up during regular communication until the baby is born. WHile it sounds like this is very family dependent and this would be normal in some families, if it's outside the norm I would tread carefully because clearly there is a reason they didn't share earlier. I would send them some meals / gift cards but probably wait for an invitation to visit to to as not bring germs or overstep boundaries.

OP here. Thank you. Yes, confusion is the best way to describe my thoughts on this. I am so confused why they waited until the baby was born, and then informed me on that very day. Like “surprise!”. And then they expected me to be happy? I would have preferred if they waited a few weeks after the birth to inform me, because now I think my reaction put a damper on their day. But what did they really expect? I think it’s a form of narcissism on their parts and an attempt to somehow be more interesting, quirky, or whatever than they actually are. But yes, I am very much confused by it all.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Here’s normal behavior -
“Hey sis who I text weekly, I’m expecting a baby in four months. We kept it quiet in the first trimester and I’m still kind of spooked so I’m not really up for discussing medical stuff and mom war stories, and we’re not talking about it on social media. Hope you understand”. Sibling: “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet the baby. I’m here if you need anything”. Sibling keeps mouth shut.

That’s not revealing “medical information”. It’s normal family interaction. If the relationship was bad, wouldn’t have been regular texts. It is insulting to the sibling not to tell about the baby until after the birth, although pregnant person does not owe anyone the blast on
“I’m in labor now!” That can wait until the baby arrives.

I continue to be astonished at how many people were seemingly raised by wolves and have their heads up their behinds about how they are the only people in the universe and everyone else is just a supporting character in their personal drama.

Coworker not saying anything is a little weird, but it’s fine.

Describe why you would be insulted. Explain how this is insulting to you personally.

DP but haven't you seen all the posts here indicating that if the sister didn't tell the OP, it's probably because OP is unsupportive or has done something wrong?

PP

I agree with several posters saying it would be cause for concern or raised awareness. The relationship could be under heightened examination. That sounds reasonable.

I don’t understand the immediate reaction to be hurt and personally insulted.

Right. If one of my sisters announced a birth, out of the blue, I'd be flabbergasted, but my immediate reaction would be intense concern. I'm asking "are you okay? Is baby okay? What can I do? I love you"

Same - I too would be surprised but wouldn’t make a thing out of that. It isn’t about me. It’s about a baby and a new mom, hopefully both healthy.

In fairness, OP's post expresses confusion more than anything else. I too would be confused because this would be unusual in my family- it's one thing to wait until several months in to tell people, particularly if there is a history of loss, it's another for this never to come up during regular communication until the baby is born. WHile it sounds like this is very family dependent and this would be normal in some families, if it's outside the norm I would tread carefully because clearly there is a reason they didn't share earlier. I would send them some meals / gift cards but probably wait for an invitation to visit to to as not bring germs or overstep boundaries.

OP here. Thank you. Yes, confusion is the best way to describe my thoughts on this. I am so confused why they waited until the baby was born, and then informed me on that very day. Like “surprise!”. And then they expected me to be happy? I would have preferred if they waited a few weeks after the birth to inform me, because now I think my reaction put a damper on their day. But what did they really expect? I think it’s a form of narcissism on their parts and an attempt to somehow be more interesting, quirky, or whatever than they actually are. But yes, I am very much confused by it all.

What was your reaction?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Here’s normal behavior -
“Hey sis who I text weekly, I’m expecting a baby in four months. We kept it quiet in the first trimester and I’m still kind of spooked so I’m not really up for discussing medical stuff and mom war stories, and we’re not talking about it on social media. Hope you understand”. Sibling: “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet the baby. I’m here if you need anything”. Sibling keeps mouth shut.

That’s not revealing “medical information”. It’s normal family interaction. If the relationship was bad, wouldn’t have been regular texts. It is insulting to the sibling not to tell about the baby until after the birth, although pregnant person does not owe anyone the blast on
“I’m in labor now!” That can wait until the baby arrives.

I continue to be astonished at how many people were seemingly raised by wolves and have their heads up their behinds about how they are the only people in the universe and everyone else is just a supporting character in their personal drama.

Coworker not saying anything is a little weird, but it’s fine.

Describe why you would be insulted. Explain how this is insulting to you personally.

DP but haven't you seen all the posts here indicating that if the sister didn't tell the OP, it's probably because OP is unsupportive or has done something wrong?

PP

I agree with several posters saying it would be cause for concern or raised awareness. The relationship could be under heightened examination. That sounds reasonable.

I don’t understand the immediate reaction to be hurt and personally insulted.

Right. If one of my sisters announced a birth, out of the blue, I'd be flabbergasted, but my immediate reaction would be intense concern. I'm asking "are you okay? Is baby okay? What can I do? I love you"

Same - I too would be surprised but wouldn’t make a thing out of that. It isn’t about me. It’s about a baby and a new mom, hopefully both healthy.

In fairness, OP's post expresses confusion more than anything else. I too would be confused because this would be unusual in my family- it's one thing to wait until several months in to tell people, particularly if there is a history of loss, it's another for this never to come up during regular communication until the baby is born. WHile it sounds like this is very family dependent and this would be normal in some families, if it's outside the norm I would tread carefully because clearly there is a reason they didn't share earlier. I would send them some meals / gift cards but probably wait for an invitation to visit to to as not bring germs or overstep boundaries.

OP here. Thank you. Yes, confusion is the best way to describe my thoughts on this. I am so confused why they waited until the baby was born, and then informed me on that very day. Like “surprise!”. And then they expected me to be happy? I would have preferred if they waited a few weeks after the birth to inform me, because now I think my reaction put a damper on their day. But what did they really expect? I think it’s a form of narcissism on their parts and an attempt to somehow be more interesting, quirky, or whatever than they actually are. But yes, I am very much confused by it all.

What was your reaction?

Well they presented it to me in a way that implied it could be a joke so at first I told them I didn’t believe it. Then they sent additional verifying pics, in attempt to shock me I suppose, so I exited the group chat. Haven’t heard from them since.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so sad. Where I live now, a baby belongs to the village. We love our inter-generational community. I had one baby in the US and one here and it is night and day. This coldness, lack of family and community connection, hyper individualism, and considering a baby a medical issue is one of the reasons half of Americans have considered leaving. It is anti-human and something you’d only see in a WEIRD country. I feel sorry for that OP who wanted has realized they aren’t close to the sibling and the sibling who needs to be cut off from support. I have no idea about the history or extenuating circumstances it is all around sad.

A baby isn't just a medical issue. A baby involves a pregnancy (absent adoption ...). A pregnancy involves medical issues. Medical issues involve deference the person with the medical issue.

It is anti-human

When your fellow brothers and sisters offer reasonable disagreement, is it also part of your healthy village to dismiss them as anti-human?

Pretty sure America is an anti-human nation. An international pariah and laughingstock whose citizens are increasingly shunned and unwelcomed abroad. You’d have to be insane to take any advice from an American.

Go home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so sad. Where I live now, a baby belongs to the village. We love our inter-generational community. I had one baby in the US and one here and it is night and day. This coldness, lack of family and community connection, hyper individualism, and considering a baby a medical issue is one of the reasons half of Americans have considered leaving. It is anti-human and something you’d only see in a WEIRD country. I feel sorry for that OP who wanted has realized they aren’t close to the sibling and the sibling who needs to be cut off from support. I have no idea about the history or extenuating circumstances it is all around sad.

Bless your heart but the half of Americans who are considering leaving are the half that aborts babies. Just so you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s normal behavior -
“Hey sis who I text weekly, I’m expecting a baby in four months. We kept it quiet in the first trimester and I’m still kind of spooked so I’m not really up for discussing medical stuff and mom war stories, and we’re not talking about it on social media. Hope you understand”. Sibling: “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet the baby. I’m here if you need anything”. Sibling keeps mouth shut.

That’s not revealing “medical information”

. It’s normal family interaction. If the relationship was bad, wouldn’t have been regular texts. It is insulting to the sibling not to tell about the baby until after the birth, although pregnant person does not owe anyone the blast on
“I’m in labor now!” That can wait until the baby arrives.

I continue to be astonished at how many people were seemingly raised by wolves and have their heads up their behinds about how they are the only people in the universe and everyone else is just a supporting character in their personal drama.

Coworker not saying anything is a little weird, but it’s fine.

It sure is.

A co-worker keeping their pregnancy secret would be quite a feat, given that people see them every day.

Most people didn’t know I was pregnant until my 7th month when my stomach just popped. I also had a teacher who was a rather tall woman like 5’10” range and she didn’t show all the way to the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it weird if you're a man and don't tell your coworkers you're having a baby until they're finally born?

No because most if them never do.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What happened when you asked, “Hey so how come you didn’t tell us that you were pregnant?”

Don’t ask her that! her reasons are not your business. She obviously didn’t feel safe and supported and now she is doing better.

This isn’t some co-worker or neighbor. It’s a sibling!!! There is nothing wrong with simply asking the question. And where do you get off assuming the sister “didn’t feel safe or supported?” That is mighty presumptuous on your part, PP.

DP Why is it your business? It isn’t. It isn’t your business. If you need to know, you will be informed.

One more time: it’s family. Family supports one another. If I found out one of my siblings, with whom I’m not estranged, did this, I would genuinely want to know what is going on and what led to not disclosing a pregnancy. It is NOT normal behavior.

No, it’s none of my business if it’s a co-worker or neighbor. But it is my business if it’s family.

+1

It’s family so it hurts more if you are not told until after the baby is born. It means they don’t feel close enough to you to share it.

This is a choice.

You can examine why you feel “hurt” by how another adult chooses to manage their medical information, you can work on the relationship to build the closeness that you feel was missing, or you can center yourself in someone else’s story which may have nothing to do with you.

But it’s not just another ‘adult.’ Sounds like you don’t know what it’s like to have siblings whom you are close to. That’s your loss and there’s no way to make you understand in that case.

The “another adult” isn’t intended to suggest a lack of closeness, but rather an equality. Do you make all of your decisions about your medical care based on how they would make your sibling feel? Is how your sibling would feel more important than any other value you have? Do you expect your siblings to make painful choices just to make sure you are protected from hurt feelings?

I’m extremely close to my sibling. They suffered a traumatic loss a few years ago. If they called me and said come meet your new niece/nephew i wouldn’t waste a second feeling hurt.

😇😇😇

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’d go no or low contact with this sibling as they clearly don’t value a relationship with you.

Wow. You’re exactly the kind of person people hide a pregnancy from.

+1

These people insist on knowing IF you are pregnant, WHEN you will become pregnant, WHERE you are in your family planning, WHY you are not pregnant, HOW many pregnancies you are planning.

These people are insufferable and need to be shut down in the most direct way possible.

I think the real horror is that these people think another person’s feelings— possible loss, grief, pain and recovery should all be subordinate to their “need” to know about a baby not yet born. It’s basically the definition of malignant narcissism.

This is OP's sibling. If you feel like you can't tell your parents or siblings that you're pregnant that is a really sad and unusual situation. Let your family help with your feelings, good and bad. You and your child will be better off in most cases (barring an abusive family situation).

Like the “helpful” families who blame women for their miscarriages? Gossip about them constantly? Send articles about adoption? That kind of “help”?

Welcome a baby or don’t. Its not about you.

+1

Or the people who have judgements about people’s fertility journeys and ivf use. Better to keep your information private and show up with a baby.