AITA: Getting crap for not attending a Friday wedding because we have no childcare

[Anonymous]

This wedding is in NOVEMBER! You have months to figure out a new sitter. If you want to figure it out, you can. If you don't want to, that is fine, but your inlaws might be annoyed. Just decide which is more bearable to you- vetting a new sitter or annoying your inlaws. And proceed accordingly. I'm having trouble imagining that you know now (in August) that 4 months from now no one in your life will be able to take a half day of PTO. If so, you need more people in your life, and this is a good incentive to find some, whether or not you go to the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This wedding is in NOVEMBER! You have months to figure out a new sitter. If you want to figure it out, you can. If you don't want to, that is fine, but your inlaws might be annoyed. Just decide which is more bearable to you- vetting a new sitter or annoying your inlaws. And proceed accordingly. I'm having trouble imagining that you know now (in August) that 4 months from now no one in your life will be able to take a half day of PTO. If so, you need more people in your life, and this is a good incentive to find some, whether or not you go to the wedding.

why does OP have to find a sitter for her BIL’s kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is not being treated like a family member. These in-laws think she is the nanny.

+100. they are at a loss because the 2 DILs aren’t playing their roles. It would be funny if not also sad. especially since it is Cousin’s fault for having the no-kids wedding.

[Anonymous]

I can imagine this happening in my family. My mom gets super anxious and perseverates on things, then she drags my dad into it, as well as whoever will answer the phone. So, if you are busy and don’t call her back for a few hours, you might find that something has completely blown up. I mean, whether or not you want to do this, there is no reason that it should have spiraled into a huge family issue in one night. And my mom wonders why none of our spouses can get along with her.

There is no urgency to figure out childcare plans right now. You might feel very differently about going a month from now. You might find another sitter through your daycare, and suddenly the logistics don’t se that bad. Your BIL might feel differently about it a month from now too. What sounded like fun when he got the invitation might end up being too much time and money when he gets down to actually booking flights and car rental and Airbnb.

There was absolutely no reason for family drama last night, and definitely no reason that you should be cast as a villain. I’m so sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely TA for not trying to solve this problem and find childcare. This is what care.com is for - you find someone vetted and trustworthy and pay a bit extra for one night. Or you could have asked your mom or one of your regular babysitters to take a day of PTO and paid extra for that - did you try that?

Honestly your whole vibe is that you don't care to attend and you didn't really try to figure this out. But blaming it on the wedding being childfree is dumb. Most events are childfree, and weddings are more important than most events.

You are a TA for suggesting this. I would not hire a rando from the internet to watch my kids overnight either. You are a dumbass.

I mean, the OP and her husband have three months. That seems like enough time to interview several people and find someone.

What? BIL and SIL have 3 months. OP isn't going to the wedding, and therefore doesn't need childcare.

+1
I don't see why OP and her spouse are supposed to go to all that effort for a cousin's inconveniently scheduled wedding when they already have a solution.

I guess that the BIL is going through a lot of effort as well. He is flying in with two little kids.
If you don’t put in the effort sometimes, then you never see your siblings.

BIL will see his brother, who is going to the wedding. He can hire a babysitter, which he was apparently fine with doing when he thought OP was going to handle it.

exactly. this is all about the family catering to useless BIL. BIL cannot figure out how to care for his own children when his wife isn’t doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This wedding is in NOVEMBER! You have months to figure out a new sitter. If you want to figure it out, you can. If you don't want to, that is fine, but your inlaws might be annoyed. Just decide which is more bearable to you- vetting a new sitter or annoying your inlaws. And proceed accordingly. I'm having trouble imagining that you know now (in August) that 4 months from now no one in your life will be able to take a half day of PTO. If so, you need more people in your life, and this is a good incentive to find some, whether or not you go to the wedding.

why does OP have to find a sitter for her BIL’s kids?

I think that pp meant that OP could find a sitter for her own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BIL’s wife should skip marathon.

Why? She probably started training for it way before these in laws decided to plan a wedding in the middle of the day on a Friday. You don’t just wake up one day and decide to run a marathon. I think it’s up to the BIL to figure out childcare — not on his wife to give up a long term goal.

It's inherently indulgent and self-involved.

right - the only appropriate role for women in a family is to facilitate the men’s lives. thanks for making that crystal clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely TA for not trying to solve this problem and find childcare. This is what care.com is for - you find someone vetted and trustworthy and pay a bit extra for one night. Or you could have asked your mom or one of your regular babysitters to take a day of PTO and paid extra for that - did you try that?

Honestly your whole vibe is that you don't care to attend and you didn't really try to figure this out. But blaming it on the wedding being childfree is dumb. Most events are childfree, and weddings are more important than most events.

You are a TA for suggesting this. I would not hire a rando from the internet to watch my kids overnight either. You are a dumbass.

I mean, the OP and her husband have three months. That seems like enough time to interview several people and find someone.

What? BIL and SIL have 3 months. OP isn't going to the wedding, and therefore doesn't need childcare.

+1
I don't see why OP and her spouse are supposed to go to all that effort for a cousin's inconveniently scheduled wedding when they already have a solution.

I guess that the BIL is going through a lot of effort as well. He is flying in with two little kids.
If you don’t put in the effort sometimes, then you never see your siblings.

BIL will see his brother, who is going to the wedding. He can hire a babysitter, which he was apparently fine with doing when he thought OP was going to handle it.

exactly. this is all about the family catering to useless BIL. BIL cannot figure out how to care for his own children when his wife isn’t doing it.

Wait, what?
I’m a woman and I would do this too. If I was flying home, near where my brother and his wife live, for a family wedding, the first thing I would do is call my brother and see if he was planning to go to the wedding and what his childcare plans were.

If they said they weren’t going, I would probably reconsider whether or not I wanted to go, and might even wait a day or two before I started looking for alternative childcare. Why did he have to figure this out last night or he is inept?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This wedding is in NOVEMBER! You have months to figure out a new sitter. If you want to figure it out, you can. If you don't want to, that is fine, but your inlaws might be annoyed. Just decide which is more bearable to you- vetting a new sitter or annoying your inlaws. And proceed accordingly. I'm having trouble imagining that you know now (in August) that 4 months from now no one in your life will be able to take a half day of PTO. If so, you need more people in your life, and this is a good incentive to find some, whether or not you go to the wedding.

why does OP have to find a sitter for her BIL’s kids?

I think that pp meant that OP could find a sitter for her own kids.

so then she can babysit for BIL kids? that doesn’t solve the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely TA for not trying to solve this problem and find childcare. This is what care.com is for - you find someone vetted and trustworthy and pay a bit extra for one night. Or you could have asked your mom or one of your regular babysitters to take a day of PTO and paid extra for that - did you try that?

Honestly your whole vibe is that you don't care to attend and you didn't really try to figure this out. But blaming it on the wedding being childfree is dumb. Most events are childfree, and weddings are more important than most events.

You are a TA for suggesting this. I would not hire a rando from the internet to watch my kids overnight either. You are a dumbass.

I mean, the OP and her husband have three months. That seems like enough time to interview several people and find someone.

What? BIL and SIL have 3 months. OP isn't going to the wedding, and therefore doesn't need childcare.

+1
I don't see why OP and her spouse are supposed to go to all that effort for a cousin's inconveniently scheduled wedding when they already have a solution.

I guess that the BIL is going through a lot of effort as well. He is flying in with two little kids.
If you don’t put in the effort sometimes, then you never see your siblings.

BIL will see his brother, who is going to the wedding. He can hire a babysitter, which he was apparently fine with doing when he thought OP was going to handle it.

exactly. this is all about the family catering to useless BIL. BIL cannot figure out how to care for his own children when his wife isn’t doing it.

Wait, what?
I’m a woman and I would do this too. If I was flying home, near where my brother and his wife live, for a family wedding, the first thing I would do is call my brother and see if he was planning to go to the wedding and what his childcare plans were.

If they said they weren’t going, I would probably reconsider whether or not I wanted to go, and might even wait a day or two before I started looking for alternative childcare. Why did he have to figure this out last night or he is inept?

As a woman you’d probably ask your SIL in a socially appropriate way, and probably never expect her to a) personally watch 4 kids under 5 so you could go to the wedding or b) hire a rando sitter on rural care.com. And the second she indicated reluctance you’d back off.

Actually as a woman you’d most likely not even think for a second flying to attending solo a *kid free wedding* with a 1 year old and 3 year old. You’d RSVP no, and then your BIL and MIL would gossip about how difficult you were and how “kids are easy at that age!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This wedding is in NOVEMBER! You have months to figure out a new sitter. If you want to figure it out, you can. If you don't want to, that is fine, but your inlaws might be annoyed. Just decide which is more bearable to you- vetting a new sitter or annoying your inlaws. And proceed accordingly. I'm having trouble imagining that you know now (in August) that 4 months from now no one in your life will be able to take a half day of PTO. If so, you need more people in your life, and this is a good incentive to find some, whether or not you go to the wedding.

why does OP have to find a sitter for her BIL’s kids?

I’ve gotten sitters for my kids and my brother’s kids when he was visiting from out of town, and we wanted to go out.
OP is fine to say no, but this doesn’t seem like an insane request.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely TA for not trying to solve this problem and find childcare. This is what care.com is for - you find someone vetted and trustworthy and pay a bit extra for one night. Or you could have asked your mom or one of your regular babysitters to take a day of PTO and paid extra for that - did you try that?

Honestly your whole vibe is that you don't care to attend and you didn't really try to figure this out. But blaming it on the wedding being childfree is dumb. Most events are childfree, and weddings are more important than most events.

You are a TA for suggesting this. I would not hire a rando from the internet to watch my kids overnight either. You are a dumbass.

I mean, the OP and her husband have three months. That seems like enough time to interview several people and find someone.

What? BIL and SIL have 3 months. OP isn't going to the wedding, and therefore doesn't need childcare.

+1
I don't see why OP and her spouse are supposed to go to all that effort for a cousin's inconveniently scheduled wedding when they already have a solution.

I guess that the BIL is going through a lot of effort as well. He is flying in with two little kids.
If you don’t put in the effort sometimes, then you never see your siblings.

BIL will see his brother, who is going to the wedding. He can hire a babysitter, which he was apparently fine with doing when he thought OP was going to handle it.

exactly. this is all about the family catering to useless BIL. BIL cannot figure out how to care for his own children when his wife isn’t doing it.

Wait, what?
I’m a woman and I would do this too. If I was flying home, near where my brother and his wife live, for a family wedding, the first thing I would do is call my brother and see if he was planning to go to the wedding and what his childcare plans were.

If they said they weren’t going, I would probably reconsider whether or not I wanted to go, and might even wait a day or two before I started looking for alternative childcare. Why did he have to figure this out last night or he is inept?

As a woman you’d probably ask your SIL in a socially appropriate way, and probably never expect her to a) personally watch 4 kids under 5 so you could go to the wedding or b) hire a rando sitter on rural care.com. And the second she indicated reluctance you’d back off.

Actually as a woman you’d most likely not even think for a second flying to attending solo a *kid free wedding* with a 1 year old and 3 year old. You’d RSVP no, and then your BIL and MIL would gossip about how difficult you were and how “kids are easy at that age!”

Uhmm…there is no way I would call my SIL about this. I would ask my brother. And I wouldn’t suggest that she watch all of the kids, but I might suggest hiring a sitter somewhere near the venue so that we could all go.

And I have flown solo with a 1 and 3 year old to visit family members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This wedding is in NOVEMBER! You have months to figure out a new sitter. If you want to figure it out, you can. If you don't want to, that is fine, but your inlaws might be annoyed. Just decide which is more bearable to you- vetting a new sitter or annoying your inlaws. And proceed accordingly. I'm having trouble imagining that you know now (in August) that 4 months from now no one in your life will be able to take a half day of PTO. If so, you need more people in your life, and this is a good incentive to find some, whether or not you go to the wedding.

why does OP have to find a sitter for her BIL’s kids?

I think that pp meant that OP could find a sitter for her own kids.

so then she can babysit for BIL kids? that doesn’t solve the issue.

No. BIL has several months to figure out childcare or decide if he even wants to go. He asked if he could latch on to OP’s childcare plans *last night,* and she said “no.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This wedding is in NOVEMBER! You have months to figure out a new sitter. If you want to figure it out, you can. If you don't want to, that is fine, but your inlaws might be annoyed. Just decide which is more bearable to you- vetting a new sitter or annoying your inlaws. And proceed accordingly. I'm having trouble imagining that you know now (in August) that 4 months from now no one in your life will be able to take a half day of PTO. If so, you need more people in your life, and this is a good incentive to find some, whether or not you go to the wedding.

why does OP have to find a sitter for her BIL’s kids?

I’ve gotten sitters for my kids and my brother’s kids when he was visiting from out of town, and we wanted to go out.
OP is fine to say no, but this doesn’t seem like an insane request.

The wedding isn't where OP lives. BIL isn't visiting them.