AITA: Getting crap for not attending a Friday wedding because we have no childcare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This wedding is in NOVEMBER! You have months to figure out a new sitter. If you want to figure it out, you can. If you don't want to, that is fine, but your inlaws might be annoyed. Just decide which is more bearable to you- vetting a new sitter or annoying your inlaws. And proceed accordingly. I'm having trouble imagining that you know now (in August) that 4 months from now no one in your life will be able to take a half day of PTO. If so, you need more people in your life, and this is a good incentive to find some, whether or not you go to the wedding.

why does OP have to find a sitter for her BIL’s kids?

I’ve gotten sitters for my kids and my brother’s kids when he was visiting from out of town, and we wanted to go out.
OP is fine to say no, but this doesn’t seem like an insane request.

The proposal was a care.com sitter for 4 under 5 in a rural area. That is not something most would consider. Also there’s a high likelihood that the sitter would flake.

The only way the sitter request in OP’s home is reasonable is if BIL is going to find and pay for the sitter while OP is at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely TA for not trying to solve this problem and find childcare. This is what care.com is for - you find someone vetted and trustworthy and pay a bit extra for one night. Or you could have asked your mom or one of your regular babysitters to take a day of PTO and paid extra for that - did you try that?

Honestly your whole vibe is that you don't care to attend and you didn't really try to figure this out. But blaming it on the wedding being childfree is dumb. Most events are childfree, and weddings are more important than most events.

You are a TA for suggesting this. I would not hire a rando from the internet to watch my kids overnight either. You are a dumbass.

I mean, the OP and her husband have three months. That seems like enough time to interview several people and find someone.

What? BIL and SIL have 3 months. OP isn't going to the wedding, and therefore doesn't need childcare.

+1
I don't see why OP and her spouse are supposed to go to all that effort for a cousin's inconveniently scheduled wedding when they already have a solution.

I guess that the BIL is going through a lot of effort as well. He is flying in with two little kids.
If you don’t put in the effort sometimes, then you never see your siblings.

BIL will see his brother, who is going to the wedding. He can hire a babysitter, which he was apparently fine with doing when he thought OP was going to handle it.

exactly. this is all about the family catering to useless BIL. BIL cannot figure out how to care for his own children when his wife isn’t doing it.

Wait, what?
I’m a woman and I would do this too. If I was flying home, near where my brother and his wife live, for a family wedding, the first thing I would do is call my brother and see if he was planning to go to the wedding and what his childcare plans were.

If they said they weren’t going, I would probably reconsider whether or not I wanted to go, and might even wait a day or two before I started looking for alternative childcare. Why did he have to figure this out last night or he is inept?

As a woman you’d probably ask your SIL in a socially appropriate way, and probably never expect her to a) personally watch 4 kids under 5 so you could go to the wedding or b) hire a rando sitter on rural care.com. And the second she indicated reluctance you’d back off.

Actually as a woman you’d most likely not even think for a second flying to attending solo a *kid free wedding* with a 1 year old and 3 year old. You’d RSVP no, and then your BIL and MIL would gossip about how difficult you were and how “kids are easy at that age!”

Uhmm…there is no way I would call my SIL about this. I would ask my brother. And I wouldn’t suggest that she watch all of the kids, but I might suggest hiring a sitter somewhere near the venue so that we could all go.

And I have flown solo with a 1 and 3 year old to visit family members.

+1. I don’t bother my SILa about my family’s problems or logistics just because they have vaginas. I work with my brothers. And yeah I’m this case we would have declined such a ridiculous wedding invitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely TA for not trying to solve this problem and find childcare. This is what care.com is for - you find someone vetted and trustworthy and pay a bit extra for one night. Or you could have asked your mom or one of your regular babysitters to take a day of PTO and paid extra for that - did you try that?

Honestly your whole vibe is that you don't care to attend and you didn't really try to figure this out. But blaming it on the wedding being childfree is dumb. Most events are childfree, and weddings are more important than most events.

You are a TA for suggesting this. I would not hire a rando from the internet to watch my kids overnight either. You are a dumbass.

I mean, the OP and her husband have three months. That seems like enough time to interview several people and find someone.

What? BIL and SIL have 3 months. OP isn't going to the wedding, and therefore doesn't need childcare.

+1
I don't see why OP and her spouse are supposed to go to all that effort for a cousin's inconveniently scheduled wedding when they already have a solution.

I guess that the BIL is going through a lot of effort as well. He is flying in with two little kids.
If you don’t put in the effort sometimes, then you never see your siblings.

BIL will see his brother, who is going to the wedding. He can hire a babysitter, which he was apparently fine with doing when he thought OP was going to handle it.

exactly. this is all about the family catering to useless BIL. BIL cannot figure out how to care for his own children when his wife isn’t doing it.

Wait, what?
I’m a woman and I would do this too. If I was flying home, near where my brother and his wife live, for a family wedding, the first thing I would do is call my brother and see if he was planning to go to the wedding and what his childcare plans were.

If they said they weren’t going, I would probably reconsider whether or not I wanted to go, and might even wait a day or two before I started looking for alternative childcare. Why did he have to figure this out last night or he is inept?

As a woman you’d probably ask your SIL in a socially appropriate way, and probably never expect her to a) personally watch 4 kids under 5 so you could go to the wedding or b) hire a rando sitter on rural care.com. And the second she indicated reluctance you’d back off.

Actually as a woman you’d most likely not even think for a second flying to attending solo a *kid free wedding* with a 1 year old and 3 year old. You’d RSVP no, and then your BIL and MIL would gossip about how difficult you were and how “kids are easy at that age!”

Uhmm…there is no way I would call my SIL about this. I would ask my brother. And I wouldn’t suggest that she watch all of the kids, but I might suggest hiring a sitter somewhere near the venue so that we could all go.

And I have flown solo with a 1 and 3 year old to visit family members.

+1. I don’t bother my SILa about my family’s problems or logistics just because they have vaginas. I work with my brothers. And yeah I’m this case we would have declined such a ridiculous wedding invitation.

I would consider it. I’m guessing that he isn’t coming out for the holidays. You don’t plan to fly out for a wedding in November and then fly out again two weeks later for Thanksgiving. And it doesn’t sound like he has any other plans to come out between now and then.
This might be a good time to come out and see his parents and his brother and SIL, have the kids get together, etc.


If I were considering it, the first call I would make would be to my brother to see if he was going, and I might try to cajole him into it. That doesn’t mean that I expect my SIL to figure out the logistics of my trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh's cousin is getting married at 3pm on a Friday two hours away from home so we'd have to leave by noon at the latest if we went. Our kids are 5 and 2. On Fridays, our older one gets out of school at 3pm and our little one only has a half day of daycare til 12:30 then comes home for nap. DH's whole family will be at the wedding obviously so they can't watch the kids, my mom still works full time, and our 3 regular sitters also work full time. We are going on a vacation two weeks before the wedding and don't really have extra PTO to burn either.

For some reason this has spiraled into a huge family issue. DH's brother called last night and said that he is planning on coming in to town for the wedding with his 3yo and 1yo because his wife has a marathon that weekend and asked if whoever is watching our kids can watch his too. We said we weren't planning on going because we don't have anyone to watch the kids. Then he suggests that we split an AirBnb near the wedding (in the middle of literal nowhere) and "find a local babysitter" to watch all 4 kids. Then was annoyed when we said we weren't leaving our kids in a strange house with a strange person. Finally, MIL calls and suggests that she, FIL, DH, and BIL just go to the wedding as a family and I take the day off work and have all 4 kids (1, 2, 3, and 5yo) by myself overnight.

I'm perfectly happy with DH going to the wedding alone and staying home with my kids, but I don't have a PTO day to take and just really don't want the 4 little kids alone for the night. AITA?

NTA. Jesus, it's a wedding. Big deal. So you guys don't go. Or your DH goes. Send a gift and they can get over it. But, no, I would not be taking the day off to watch someone else's kids. I just wouldn't And would not be sorry about it either. If MIL/FIL/BIL want to pay someone so BIL's kids have a sitter, fine. But that's not going to be on me.

This is one reason why a no-kids wedding sucks. When I got these and had a small child, we just declined and moved on. I took some grief early on but basically told my family to stuff it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh's cousin is getting married at 3pm on a Friday two hours away from home so we'd have to leave by noon at the latest if we went. Our kids are 5 and 2. On Fridays, our older one gets out of school at 3pm and our little one only has a half day of daycare til 12:30 then comes home for nap. DH's whole family will be at the wedding obviously so they can't watch the kids, my mom still works full time, and our 3 regular sitters also work full time. We are going on a vacation two weeks before the wedding and don't really have extra PTO to burn either.

For some reason this has spiraled into a huge family issue. DH's brother called last night and said that he is planning on coming in to town for the wedding with his 3yo and 1yo because his wife has a marathon that weekend and asked if whoever is watching our kids can watch his too. We said we weren't planning on going because we don't have anyone to watch the kids. Then he suggests that we split an AirBnb near the wedding (in the middle of literal nowhere) and "find a local babysitter" to watch all 4 kids. Then was annoyed when we said we weren't leaving our kids in a strange house with a strange person. Finally, MIL calls and suggests that she, FIL, DH, and BIL just go to the wedding as a family and I take the day off work and have all 4 kids (1, 2, 3, and 5yo) by myself overnight.

I'm perfectly happy with DH going to the wedding alone and staying home with my kids, but I don't have a PTO day to take and just really don't want the 4 little kids alone for the night. AITA?

NTA. Jesus, it's a wedding. Big deal. So you guys don't go. Or your DH goes. Send a gift and they can get over it. But, no, I would not be taking the day off to watch someone else's kids. I just wouldn't And would not be sorry about it either. If MIL/FIL/BIL want to pay someone so BIL's kids have a sitter, fine. But that's not going to be on me.

This is one reason why a no-kids wedding sucks. When I got these and had a small child, we just declined and moved on. I took some grief early on but basically told my family to stuff it.

I’m going to guess that the big deal is that MIL wants to get both of her kids together and see her grandkids and kind of panicked.

This is a stupid plan, OP. But I’m sure your husband and his brother can come up with something else more reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

[Anonymous]

I CANNOT believe that people are criticizing SIL for running a marathon. Geez, what’s wrong with you all? It is not self-indulgent of a mom of small kids to train for and run a marathon. It’s downright impressive. And she probably had this on the calendar way before this absurd 3pm on a Friday wedding.

I understand that BIL might be disappointed that he easy childcare plans aren’t working out the way he hoped, but the cousin (who planned this mid-week wedding in an out of the way location), the BIL and the MIL should work to arrange a sitter for BIL’s kids (*if* he still wants to come).

And no one should be criticizing OP for not wanting to go and not wanting to be a weekend nanny for four kids under 5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

DP. You can keep posting this over and over but it isn’t going to make me personally comfortable with hiring a sitter that way for my kids. If the BIL wants to do that he can certainly go ahead and get an AirBnb for him and his kids near the wedding and stick them with a sitter he found on the internet during the wedding and reception. OP being unwilling to do that, which is her prerogative, doesn’t mean the option isn’t there for the BIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I CANNOT believe that people are criticizing SIL for runningi a marathon. Geez, what’s wrong with you all? It is not self-indulgent of a mom of small kids to train for and run a marathon. It’s downright impressive. And she probably had this on the calendar way before this absurd 3pm on a Friday wedding.

I understand that BIL might be disappointed that he easy childcare plans aren’t working out the way he hoped, but the cousin (who planned this mid-week wedding in an out of the way location), the BIL and the MIL should work to arrange a sitter for BIL’s kids (*if* he still wants to come).

And no one should be criticizing OP for not wanting to go and not wanting to be a weekend nanny for four kids under 5.

Nope this isn’t the bride or groom’s problem either. Guaranteed they do not give a rat’s @ss whether OPs DH or her BIL are at their wedding.

[Anonymous]

i would not be comfortable allowing an unknown babysitter to watch my kid in an unknown location while i left for a wedding.

period. full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I CANNOT believe that people are criticizing SIL for running a marathon. Geez, what’s wrong with you all? It is not self-indulgent of a mom of small kids to train for and run a marathon. It’s downright impressive. And she probably had this on the calendar way before this absurd 3pm on a Friday wedding.

I understand that BIL might be disappointed that he easy childcare plans aren’t working out the way he hoped, but the cousin (who planned this mid-week wedding in an out of the way location), the BIL and the MIL should work to arrange a sitter for BIL’s kids (*if* he still wants to come).

And no one should be criticizing OP for not wanting to go and not wanting to be a weekend nanny for four kids under 5.

Nothing impressive about a marathon at that stage of life. It is similar to buying a corvette during a mid-life crisis.