My good friend’s husband is cheating do I tell her??

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

I agree. I think this is a don’t tell scenario and I’m a woman. Maybe tell the husband you know and if he doesn’t end it, it’s over for him.

You're probably the other woman. Disgusting.

Yep. Filled with cheaters and APs

I’m the PP and nope, not a cheater. I’m a happily married woman who has lived long enough to understand a thing or two about human nature. And I would not want to know unless my DH was planning on leaving me. I know how awful it feels. I had a BF cheat on me in college. But the stakes in my life are so astronomical right now that an affair that will end and not destroy me would be best kept as a mistake that hopefully would spark a huge change in my spouse if he effed up that badly.

I know so many instances where the children found out before the parent. Truly awful and common.

Most affairs are never discovered, according to statistics. Don’t go around blowing up somebody’s world it would never give might never get blown up otherwise. People only want to tell for their own selfish reasons to relieve their own guilt. They’re not thinking of the people involved in the marriage stay out of other peoples marriages. Period.

And not a cheater just a logical person that doesn’t get involved in other peoples lives

Oh, "logical" PP is back again.

Still don't know why you think there's any logic to staying in the dark about something which affects one's life, and possibly one's health, as much as cheating spouse does.

I'm not the PP but I'm a woman who agrees with her/him. And I'll tell you why. Because divorce sucks. It really effing sucks. You lose your whole world. I couldn't fathom the extent to which I'd be alone after divorce until it happened to me. And if your disposition is that you'd have to divorce if you knew your partner was cheating, a logical person can see that it'd be better to just not know then.

Not the same pp, but you don't have to divorce just because you find out. You can start therapy, you can put your head in the sand, you can get your ducks in a row, you can do whatever you want. But you are doing it with knowledge, power and the full picture. That's why supporting the friend no matter what their choice is after, is so important.

But you put them in the position to have to consider it and then are a third party actively ruining someone’s marriage. You are not the morality police. This is worse than being an AP. Really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My rule for this is that I go to the husband and give a deadline. "Ross, I know you're cheating on Rachel. You have 72 hours to tell her, or I will. Your choice." For STD purposes if nothing else, she needs to know.

She may not believe you, and then you lose a friend. go you! MYOB

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW & I caught one of our neighbors/friend of DW out with a man she wasn't married to once. Nothing was ever said to my knowledge and they are still together.

Were they acting in a romantic way?

OMG. That could be a family member, co-wrote or friend. Nosy busybodies with nothing to do!!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

I agree. I think this is a don’t tell scenario and I’m a woman. Maybe tell the husband you know and if he doesn’t end it, it’s over for him.

You're probably the other woman. Disgusting.

Yep. Filled with cheaters and APs

I’m the PP and nope, not a cheater. I’m a happily married woman who has lived long enough to understand a thing or two about human nature. And I would not want to know unless my DH was planning on leaving me. I know how awful it feels. I had a BF cheat on me in college. But the stakes in my life are so astronomical right now that an affair that will end and not destroy me would be best kept as a mistake that hopefully would spark a huge change in my spouse if he effed up that badly.

I know so many instances where the children found out before the parent. Truly awful and common.

Most affairs are never discovered, according to statistics. Don’t go around blowing up somebody’s world it would never give might never get blown up otherwise. People only want to tell for their own selfish reasons to relieve their own guilt. They’re not thinking of the people involved in the marriage stay out of other peoples marriages. Period.

And not a cheater just a logical person that doesn’t get involved in other peoples lives

Oh, "logical" PP is back again.

Still don't know why you think there's any logic to staying in the dark about something which affects one's life, and possibly one's health, as much as cheating spouse does.

I'm not the PP but I'm a woman who agrees with her/him. And I'll tell you why. Because divorce sucks. It really effing sucks. You lose your whole world. I couldn't fathom the extent to which I'd be alone after divorce until it happened to me. And if your disposition is that you'd have to divorce if you knew your partner was cheating, a logical person can see that it'd be better to just not know then.

Not the same pp, but you don't have to divorce just because you find out. You can start therapy, you can put your head in the sand, you can get your ducks in a row, you can do whatever you want. But you are doing it with knowledge, power and the full picture. That's why supporting the friend no matter what their choice is after, is so important.

But you put them in the position to have to consider it and then are a third party actively ruining someone’s marriage. You are not the morality police. This is worse than being an AP. Really.

DP, not the person you're responding to, but the bold is just wrong. Worse than being an AP? Cut the dramatic hyperbole. Are you the PP who insisted it's better to live in blissful ignorance your whole marriage? The one who would rather be "happy" than have agency over her life? You do you, but comparing a close friend who tells you the truth to the moral black hole that is an AP -- that is insane. And yeah, I'm judging APs and own that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW & I caught one of our neighbors/friend of DW out with a man she wasn't married to once. Nothing was ever said to my knowledge and they are still together.

Were they acting in a romantic way?

OMG. That could be a family member, co-wrote or friend. Nosy busybodies with nothing to do!!

Well, that's why no one should tell until they have more real proof than just seeing a friend's spouse somewhere with someone else, just existing. The OP of this thread is not talking about tattling because she saw her friend's DH in a situation that shouted "this is my sister."

[Anonymous]

Late to the party but please tell her. I had some who told me and some who didn’t. My relationship with the ones who didn’t has changed because “not choosing sides” is choosing sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Late to the party but please tell her. I had some who told me and some who didn’t. My relationship with the ones who didn’t has changed because “not choosing sides” is choosing sides.

+1. It felt like an additional betrayal by those that knew but kept quiet.

[Anonymous]

^ I no longer have anything to do with the people that didn’t tell me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

I agree. I think this is a don’t tell scenario and I’m a woman. Maybe tell the husband you know and if he doesn’t end it, it’s over for him.

You're probably the other woman. Disgusting.

Yep. Filled with cheaters and APs

I’m the PP and nope, not a cheater. I’m a happily married woman who has lived long enough to understand a thing or two about human nature. And I would not want to know unless my DH was planning on leaving me. I know how awful it feels. I had a BF cheat on me in college. But the stakes in my life are so astronomical right now that an affair that will end and not destroy me would be best kept as a mistake that hopefully would spark a huge change in my spouse if he effed up that badly.

I know so many instances where the children found out before the parent. Truly awful and common.

Most affairs are never discovered, according to statistics. Don’t go around blowing up somebody’s world it would never give might never get blown up otherwise. People only want to tell for their own selfish reasons to relieve their own guilt. They’re not thinking of the people involved in the marriage stay out of other peoples marriages. Period.

And not a cheater just a logical person that doesn’t get involved in other peoples lives

Oh, "logical" PP is back again.

Still don't know why you think there's any logic to staying in the dark about something which affects one's life, and possibly one's health, as much as cheating spouse does.

I'm not the PP but I'm a woman who agrees with her/him. And I'll tell you why. Because divorce sucks. It really effing sucks. You lose your whole world. I couldn't fathom the extent to which I'd be alone after divorce until it happened to me. And if your disposition is that you'd have to divorce if you knew your partner was cheating, a logical person can see that it'd be better to just not know then.

Not the same pp, but you don't have to divorce just because you find out. You can start therapy, you can put your head in the sand, you can get your ducks in a row, you can do whatever you want. But you are doing it with knowledge, power and the full picture. That's why supporting the friend no matter what their choice is after, is so important.

But you put them in the position to have to consider it and then are a third party actively ruining someone’s marriage. You are not the morality police. This is worse than being an AP. Really.

No.
Just, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know for certain. And I’m 99 percent certain she does not know. It’s really eating at me, she is a very close friend.

You should always tell - he could be giving her STDs and endangering her life all the while she believes they are in a monogamous relationship.

[Anonymous]

What if it’s an emotional affair and there is no risk of STDs? Hypothetically speaking.

[Anonymous]

Tell her. Nothing worse than being the last to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW & I caught one of our neighbors/friend of DW out with a man she wasn't married to once. Nothing was ever said to my knowledge and they are still together.

Were they acting in a romantic way?

OMG. That could be a family member, co-wrote or friend. Nosy busybodies with nothing to do!!

Agree. I have had to go to several dinners with clients if the opposite sex. Unless she hid under the table then it could have been nothing. SMH

[Anonymous]

If it's mine, please don't tell me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is only one answer.

Sam,

The first night at bed when you left, Ron made out with 2 girls and put his head between a cocktail waitress's breasts. Also was grinding with multiple fat women.

When you left crying at klutch, Ron was holding hands and dancing with a female and took down her number.

Multiple people in the house know, therefore you should know the truth.

Stopped reading this thread days ago but glad I can back for this! 😂😂