Strange comment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
NP here. First let me clarify that in my response to you I'm referencing the fact that you said most MILs are protective of her son's money not the MIL in the OP.

You are saying that MILs get "protective" of her son's money but that's just it marriage is about teamwork and once married it isn't seem as "her" money or "his" money but rather "their" money. That's how the law sees it unless we are talking about an inheritance here or something but that's not what you are referencing to. Marriage is a partnership.

I also must add that somehow I don't think MIL would be singing the same tune if say the wife/DIL was using what would be considered "her" money to treat herself to a monthly pedicure or a girl's weekend here and there. It wouldn't be seen as hey she works hard and deserves to treat herself it would be seen as by MIL that money could also be used to fix up the deck or something else that would benefit MIL's son or how selfish DIL is to use something that strictly benefits her instead of using it towards her husband as well.

But somehow it's not ok for the DIL to want family money to be used towards something that benefits the two of them because she is taking the son's money to fix up their deck. What the what? Are there really crazy MILs out there that think like that because that's some hypocritical bullshit.

Otherwise if money is still considered "husband's" or "wife's" than how is that different than just being roommates? So your point of saying MILs in general are protective of their son's money even after marriage is moot and doesn't make any sense because usually marriage money is a sense is combined.

Also MIL only listening to the son when he said the exact same thing as the DIL shows MIL's hypocrisy. Also MIL has no idea how they split up the finances. Maybe it looks on the outside like her son makes more money and maybe he does but maybe DIL contributes in other non financial ways such as cleaning or cooking.

DH's birthday gift is not communal a family item until he says it is. Wife piped up before that moment and declared it hers and what to use it for. THAT IS NOT OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You got between her and her son for no good reason. Your comment was overstepping and rude.

Yes this!
I was in a similar situation with my brother. We were discussing how to use a small inheritance to help our dad. My SIL said something to the effect of “just don’t let it simply sit there, it’s at least something in our kids’ 529”. I don’t think she will be against helping our dad, but it was just terribly out of place!
Also, keep in mind, 99% of MILs think that their DILs are keeping their sons’ interests last in line. Tread lightly

Maybe if you think it is "terribly out of place" for your SIL to make a reasonable suggestion (put in a 529 instead of letting it sit with no appreciation) then you should be discussing these matters privately.

My whole point is that though it’s perfectly reasonable it rubbed me the wrong way. I learned my lesson though just as you suggested.
And I am learning another one from this story - I will always give birthday gifts to my son in private, and then it’s up to him what to do with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, big mistake talking about how you and your husband spend your money. I've made the same mistake thinking it was innocuous. It's not. They come from a different generation where the male controls the finances. And also, it's her son, so she's protective of "his" money. When you talk about home renovations, all she hears is that you are spending all of his hard earned money on unnecessary things.

It took me a while to understand too. I couldn't understand why she kept repeatedly telling us to go buy furniture at this salvage yard out by them. I asked them if they ever bought anything from there, but they said no. Or when we said our deck was falling apart and needed replacing, she said, it looks fine to me, it doesn't need replacing. I couldn't figure out why she kept arguing with me. But when my husband said to her it needed replacing, she agreed with him. So it needs to come from the husband, not you.

Also, I'm sorry but I agree with your MIL. If it was a birthday present for your husband - he DOES get to spend it how he wants. They intended that as a gift for him. Your comment implies that if they had gifted him a suit for his birthday, then you have every right to go sell it off to pay for some shared gift for you and your husband. That would be incredibly rude.

NP here. First let me clarify that in my response to you I'm referencing the fact that you said most MILs are protective of her son's money not the MIL in the OP.

You are saying that MILs get "protective" of her son's money but that's just it marriage is about teamwork and once married it isn't seem as "her" money or "his" money but rather "their" money. That's how the law sees it unless we are talking about an inheritance here or something but that's not what you are referencing to. Marriage is a partnership.

I also must add that somehow I don't think MIL would be singing the same tune if say the wife/DIL was using what would be considered "her" money to treat herself to a monthly pedicure or a girl's weekend here and there. It wouldn't be seen as hey she works hard and deserves to treat herself it would be seen as by MIL that money could also be used to fix up the deck or something else that would benefit MIL's son or how selfish DIL is to use something that strictly benefits her instead of using it towards her husband as well.

But somehow it's not ok for the DIL to want family money to be used towards something that benefits the two of them because she is taking the son's money to fix up their deck. What the what? Are there really crazy MILs out there that think like that because that's some hypocritical bullshit.

Otherwise if money is still considered "husband's" or "wife's" than how is that different than just being roommates? So your point of saying MILs in general are protective of their son's money even after marriage is moot and doesn't make any sense because usually marriage money is a sense is combined.

Also MIL only listening to the son when he said the exact same thing as the DIL shows MIL's hypocrisy. Also MIL has no idea how they split up the finances. Maybe it looks on the outside like her son makes more money and maybe he does but maybe DIL contributes in other non financial ways such as cleaning or cooking.

So if a husband or wife doesn’t share a gift that was given specifically to them, they’re just like roommates? That’s an odd take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not only did you overstep with your MIL, but also YDA for trying to snatch a birthday gift from your husband. Sounds like he would have put it in the house pot anyway, but you just snatched it up before he even got a chance to say thank you. No wonder she barked at you. I would have too. I bet you she gives him money privately from now on.

How did she "snatch it up"? she made a comment about how it could go to a project (that is benefitting her DH). I'm not sure what motivated the MIL here, but it sounded like she was miffed at the suggestion that her son would spend HER money on a joint project. That's pretty nasty.

No she was miffed her DI laid claim to the birthday gift she gave her son before the ink dried on the check. Let's say it was a coffee maker and as DH finished unwrapping it before he says anything wife say this will be great in my office. It's not her gift, money or coffee maker, period.
You know darn well if a kid did this as a birthday party the other parents would totally side eye that child for bad manners. The only difference here is that wife is an adult should know to keep her mouth shut.

That is an inapt analogy. Her suggestion was to use it on home renovations - their JOINT home. And "side eye" from a parent is totally different from a rude response from an adult. Adult relationships require large quantities of grace-giving and responsibility-taking. MIL way overreacted. OP has to give grace as well by letting go and not demanding an apology.

I don't agree with you. Wife spoke for her husband on his own gift. He may not even want to spend it on a home reno. You can keep clutching your pearls on entitlement to dictate how your DH spends HIS money, but you are still wrong.

It's amazing to me how you think one (subjective & unintentional) rude response justifies any reaction. And also how you think that just because OP wants it to go to the renovation means that it actually will. This isn't about OP dictating where the money goes, but a touchy MIL way overreacting.

So it's the MIL fault the DIL is rude and said a rude comment?

The MIL's reaction is her own responsibility. Someone saying something you interpret as rude or hurtful does not give you carte blanche to do whatever you want.

Exactly. Which is why the DIL should have kept her snark to herself when she didn't like the response.

Wait what? So it's ok for MIL to make a snarky comment to the DIL about a comment she made to her husband but not ok for the DIL to defend herself and say anything back?? So as usual the woman is expected to just sit there and take it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not only did you overstep with your MIL, but also YDA for trying to snatch a birthday gift from your husband. Sounds like he would have put it in the house pot anyway, but you just snatched it up before he even got a chance to say thank you. No wonder she barked at you. I would have too. I bet you she gives him money privately from now on.

How did she "snatch it up"? she made a comment about how it could go to a project (that is benefitting her DH). I'm not sure what motivated the MIL here, but it sounded like she was miffed at the suggestion that her son would spend HER money on a joint project. That's pretty nasty.

No she was miffed her DI laid claim to the birthday gift she gave her son before the ink dried on the check. Let's say it was a coffee maker and as DH finished unwrapping it before he says anything wife say this will be great in my office. It's not her gift, money or coffee maker, period.
You know darn well if a kid did this as a birthday party the other parents would totally side eye that child for bad manners. The only difference here is that wife is an adult should know to keep her mouth shut.

That is an inapt analogy. Her suggestion was to use it on home renovations - their JOINT home. And "side eye" from a parent is totally different from a rude response from an adult. Adult relationships require large quantities of grace-giving and responsibility-taking. MIL way overreacted. OP has to give grace as well by letting go and not demanding an apology.

I don't agree with you. Wife spoke for her husband on his own gift. He may not even want to spend it on a home reno. You can keep clutching your pearls on entitlement to dictate how your DH spends HIS money, but you are still wrong.

It's amazing to me how you think one (subjective & unintentional) rude response justifies any reaction. And also how you think that just because OP wants it to go to the renovation means that it actually will. This isn't about OP dictating where the money goes, but a touchy MIL way overreacting.

So it's the MIL fault the DIL is rude and said a rude comment?

The MIL's reaction is her own responsibility. Someone saying something you interpret as rude or hurtful does not give you carte blanche to do whatever you want.

Exactly. Which is why the DIL should have kept her snark to herself when she didn't like the response.

Wait what? So it's ok for MIL to make a snarky comment to the DIL about a comment she made to her husband but not ok for the DIL to defend herself and say anything back?? So as usual the woman is expected to just sit there and take it

Well, what's the rule? Do you have carte blanche or not? Or does that only apply to MIL? If the MIL overreacted so did the DIL because of the so called "rule" that you can't say whatever you want. In what way was DILs snarky comment warranted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
NP here. First let me clarify that in my response to you I'm referencing the fact that you said most MILs are protective of her son's money not the MIL in the OP.

You are saying that MILs get "protective" of her son's money but that's just it marriage is about teamwork and once married it isn't seem as "her" money or "his" money but rather "their" money. That's how the law sees it unless we are talking about an inheritance here or something but that's not what you are referencing to. Marriage is a partnership.

I also must add that somehow I don't think MIL would be singing the same tune if say the wife/DIL was using what would be considered "her" money to treat herself to a monthly pedicure or a girl's weekend here and there. It wouldn't be seen as hey she works hard and deserves to treat herself it would be seen as by MIL that money could also be used to fix up the deck or something else that would benefit MIL's son or how selfish DIL is to use something that strictly benefits her instead of using it towards her husband as well.

But somehow it's not ok for the DIL to want family money to be used towards something that benefits the two of them because she is taking the son's money to fix up their deck. What the what? Are there really crazy MILs out there that think like that because that's some hypocritical bullshit.

Otherwise if money is still considered "husband's" or "wife's" than how is that different than just being roommates? So your point of saying MILs in general are protective of their son's money even after marriage is moot and doesn't make any sense because usually marriage money is a sense is combined.

Also MIL only listening to the son when he said the exact same thing as the DIL shows MIL's hypocrisy. Also MIL has no idea how they split up the finances. Maybe it looks on the outside like her son makes more money and maybe he does but maybe DIL contributes in other non financial ways such as cleaning or cooking.

DH's birthday gift is not communal a family item until he says it is. Wife piped up before that moment and declared it hers and what to use it for. THAT IS NOT OK.

Wife made a comment about something in a somewhat offhand matter and MIL took offense and escalated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
NP here. First let me clarify that in my response to you I'm referencing the fact that you said most MILs are protective of her son's money not the MIL in the OP.

You are saying that MILs get "protective" of her son's money but that's just it marriage is about teamwork and once married it isn't seem as "her" money or "his" money but rather "their" money. That's how the law sees it unless we are talking about an inheritance here or something but that's not what you are referencing to. Marriage is a partnership.

I also must add that somehow I don't think MIL would be singing the same tune if say the wife/DIL was using what would be considered "her" money to treat herself to a monthly pedicure or a girl's weekend here and there. It wouldn't be seen as hey she works hard and deserves to treat herself it would be seen as by MIL that money could also be used to fix up the deck or something else that would benefit MIL's son or how selfish DIL is to use something that strictly benefits her instead of using it towards her husband as well.

But somehow it's not ok for the DIL to want family money to be used towards something that benefits the two of them because she is taking the son's money to fix up their deck. What the what? Are there really crazy MILs out there that think like that because that's some hypocritical bullshit.

Otherwise if money is still considered "husband's" or "wife's" than how is that different than just being roommates? So your point of saying MILs in general are protective of their son's money even after marriage is moot and doesn't make any sense because usually marriage money is a sense is combined.

Also MIL only listening to the son when he said the exact same thing as the DIL shows MIL's hypocrisy. Also MIL has no idea how they split up the finances. Maybe it looks on the outside like her son makes more money and maybe he does but maybe DIL contributes in other non financial ways such as cleaning or cooking.

DH's birthday gift is not communal a family item until he says it is. Wife piped up before that moment and declared it hers and what to use it for. THAT IS NOT OK.

Wife made a comment about something in a somewhat offhand matter and MIL took offense and escalated.

Sure, that's what happened. Son got a gift, DIL decided individual gifts are not allowed, only joint gifts, and decided how the money would be spent without even discussing with her husband. MIL made one comment, then DIL gave some stupid speech about married couples and how she thinks all married couples make financial decisions. DIL went off the rails and thinks she's owed an apology for escalating something as innocuous, as a birthday gift.

[Anonymous]

I’m not a fan of monetary gifts where the gift giver wants to attach strings or dictate how it gets spent. My MIL does this. She gives DH and I separate checks with directions that I should get myself something sparkly and he should treat himself to something. Neither of us do this. We accept gracefully and thank her. We just put it in a joint account. I don’t want anything sparkly and DH doesn’t want an extra treat. When she pokes at what we did with it we just thank her again and say we used it during vacation or we haven’t decided. She isn’t happy with this but then she’s free not to give it again.

When you give someone cash you don’t get to dictate how they spend it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not a fan of monetary gifts where the gift giver wants to attach strings or dictate how it gets spent. My MIL does this. She gives DH and I separate checks with directions that I should get myself something sparkly and he should treat himself to something. Neither of us do this. We accept gracefully and thank her. We just put it in a joint account. I don’t want anything sparkly and DH doesn’t want an extra treat. When she pokes at what we did with it we just thank her again and say we used it during vacation or we haven’t decided. She isn’t happy with this but then she’s free not to give it again.

When you give someone cash you don’t get to dictate how they spend it.

Why don't you return the money if you don't accept the strings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also think your comment was rude. When my mom gives me money she always makes a big deal about me spending on myself. Now, I may use it for bills or household stuff, but I wouldn't say that to her face. I think you comment was rude in two ways: you announced what someone else would be doing with their birthday present and you dampened the joy of the gift giver who should be able to maintain the illusion that the recipient is spending the funds on something fun.

+1
You were the one out of line OP.
And yes DH and I have all joint accounts too.

[Anonymous]

Ruiner
You made his birthday sucked!

[Anonymous]

Wow OP.

You were awful to DH and MIL. You are an incredibly selfish person.

Maybe DH can use the grand for a retainer for a divorce attorney.

[Anonymous]

You were very rude and you need to apologize. It's your husband's birthday not yours.
My DIL is rude like you. To keep the peace and our money we no longer give gifts. She was sassy enough to insult me but not gutsy enough to apologize. She doesn't allow our son or grand daughter to communicate with us and that's fine. I can hear that p whip going on so I stepped away.

Life is good without her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP.

You were awful to DH and MIL. You are an incredibly selfish person.

Maybe DH can use the grand for a retainer for a divorce attorney.

Damn really a divorce attorney for one comment I made?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were very rude and you need to apologize. It's your husband's birthday not yours.
My DIL is rude like you. To keep the peace and our money we no longer give gifts. She was sassy enough to insult me but not gutsy enough to apologize. She doesn't allow our son or grand daughter to communicate with us and that's fine. I can hear that p whip going on so I stepped away.

Life is good without her.

LOL it's not your DILs fault your grown son doesn't speak to you. She can't not "allow" a grown man to not speak to his mother. Did she confiscate his car keys or his phone. I hate hate when women are blamed for the actions of men. Take it up with your son if he doesn't speak to you and also the kids are his it isn't your DILs responsibility to make sure you have a relationship with your son or grandkids. He is a grown man with responsibility as well and not a little boy.