Strange comment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. OP, I actually agree with your reasoning about family money etc etc…. And I also think your comment was untimely. It was your husbands birthday and his mom just gave him a present. I would have let them have their exchange, their moment, and if I did comment just say something kind like “how nice!”. I understand how mil’s comment was off putting, but honestly yours was a little too. You are absolutely right with your logic AND it was a moment between them that you were witness to.

Fwiw, my in laws give my DH the max gifting limit per person (so 16k to each of us and kids) per year. Obviously it is a part of estate planning for them. Even though one of those checks is literally cut out to me I do not interfere with how DH is spending it. I figure that is money between him and his parents. Now if he was being totally reckless with it I would say something, but honestly I don’t know if he puts it into our shared expenses or uses it to try at certain stocks. Similarly I have some money that is about to be liquid. He has made a couple suggestions with what I do with it but the final decision is mine. I see this as independent money given to us by our parents. I am open to suggestions but would be put off by being told what to do with it. I would certainly consider it in poor taste to make an unsolicited comment on how gift money should be used in front of my in laws.

This is a pretty reasonable take. But, it only really works if you have enough money so that you can ignore where $64,000 goes every year. Most of us don't have that luxury. This is a really difficult area of marriage, but ultimately, I think it is best resolved through an attitude that gifts are joint and you decide jointly what to do with them. This has been very corrosive in my marriage, where my DH gets large cash gifts from his mom and spends them on himself, meanwhile we have zero 529 for our kid and serious deferred home maintainence.

PP here. I agree with all you’ve said and yes it can be a sticky point in marriage. The gifts are not insignificant to us either and I trust that my DH is using it wisely. I would have words with him though if he was neglecting our mortgage and spending it purely on himself. Even then, like you said though, it is still hard because we can’t really dictate to our spouse what they must do with gifts that are directly for them.

However the specifics of any couples circumstances are though, these conversations and gentle or strong suggestions are always best left for when the couple is alone, and definitely not with any parents around.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why I have to apologize to MIL for a comment I made to my HUSBAND. Even if I was wrong MIL has no business getting involved in a comment I made to my husband. It's not her job to correct me.

And yes of course a gift is up to the receiver is for the receiver. But for our marriage our money is always shared whether it's given to me or to him. But MIL doesn't know that so therefore shouldn't comment on it.

I agree with PP - you are a piece of work, and that is not intended as a compliment. Your initial comment was to your DH. Your follow-up comment was to your MIL and it was rude, just like your posts.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to disagree with everyone here. First of all it would be one thing if they were in the kind of financial situation where $1000 is chump change. In that case husband should go ahead and spend it on whatever he wants. It seems that they are not in this situation and $1000 is a significant windfall of money for them. Of course the wife wants to spend it on something practical and useful and a renovation is obviously something that benefits both of them. I could see myself exclaiming something like this out of excitement because $1000 for me is almost a whole paycheck and I certainly wouldn't expect my husband to go buy himself a new guitar or something when we badly need this money for our crumbling house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not only did you overstep with your MIL, but also YDA for trying to snatch a birthday gift from your husband. Sounds like he would have put it in the house pot anyway, but you just snatched it up before he even got a chance to say thank you. No wonder she barked at you. I would have too. I bet you she gives him money privately from now on.

How did she "snatch it up"? she made a comment about how it could go to a project (that is benefitting her DH). I'm not sure what motivated the MIL here, but it sounded like she was miffed at the suggestion that her son would spend HER money on a joint project. That's pretty nasty.

No she was miffed her DI laid claim to the birthday gift she gave her son before the ink dried on the check. Let's say it was a coffee maker and as DH finished unwrapping it before he says anything wife say this will be great in my office. It's not her gift, money or coffee maker, period.
You know darn well if a kid did this as a birthday party the other parents would totally side eye that child for bad manners. The only difference here is that wife is an adult should know to keep her mouth shut.

That is an inapt analogy. Her suggestion was to use it on home renovations - their JOINT home. And "side eye" from a parent is totally different from a rude response from an adult. Adult relationships require large quantities of grace-giving and responsibility-taking. MIL way overreacted. OP has to give grace as well by letting go and not demanding an apology.

I don't agree with you. Wife spoke for her husband on his own gift. He may not even want to spend it on a home reno. You can keep clutching your pearls on entitlement to dictate how your DH spends HIS money, but you are still wrong.

It's amazing to me how you think one (subjective & unintentional) rude response justifies any reaction. And also how you think that just because OP wants it to go to the renovation means that it actually will. This isn't about OP dictating where the money goes, but a touchy MIL way overreacting.

So it's the MIL fault the DIL is rude and said a rude comment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also think your comment was rude. When my mom gives me money she always makes a big deal about me spending on myself. Now, I may use it for bills or household stuff, but I wouldn't say that to her face. I think you comment was rude in two ways: you announced what someone else would be doing with their birthday present and you dampened the joy of the gift giver who should be able to maintain the illusion that the recipient is spending the funds on something fun.

I'm glad I'm not married to someone selfish like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to disagree with everyone here. First of all it would be one thing if they were in the kind of financial situation where $1000 is chump change. In that case husband should go ahead and spend it on whatever he wants. It seems that they are not in this situation and $1000 is a significant windfall of money for them. Of course the wife wants to spend it on something practical and useful and a renovation is obviously something that benefits both of them. I could see myself exclaiming something like this out of excitement because $1000 for me is almost a whole paycheck and I certainly wouldn't expect my husband to go buy himself a new guitar or something when we badly need this money for our crumbling house.

Exactly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to disagree with everyone here. First of all it would be one thing if they were in the kind of financial situation where $1000 is chump change. In that case husband should go ahead and spend it on whatever he wants. It seems that they are not in this situation and $1000 is a significant windfall of money for them. Of course the wife wants to spend it on something practical and useful and a renovation is obviously something that benefits both of them. I could see myself exclaiming something like this out of excitement because $1000 for me is almost a whole paycheck and I certainly wouldn't expect my husband to go buy himself a new guitar or something when we badly need this money for our crumbling house.

Actually this is a valid point. I do think the couples financial situation would make a difference in terms of how involved a spouse may want to be in suggesting or having ideas around a gift of funds. Still… I think because it involves money and it is someone else birthday, you have to filter yourself and allow them to have their exchange. If you don’t refrain and you exclaim something you cannot be too surprised if the other party also exclaims something not entirely appropriate for the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also think your comment was rude. When my mom gives me money she always makes a big deal about me spending on myself. Now, I may use it for bills or household stuff, but I wouldn't say that to her face. I think you comment was rude in two ways: you announced what someone else would be doing with their birthday present and you dampened the joy of the gift giver who should be able to maintain the illusion that the recipient is spending the funds on something fun.

I'm glad I'm not married to someone selfish like you.

How is the poster selfish? She actually said she might use it for bills and household stuff. It actually sounds like she is simultaneously considerate, responsible, and selfless (in spending the money on household needs versus purely herself). Not sure what about her comment triggered you but anyone would be lucky to be married to someone who receives personal gifts of money and spends it on their family instead of on themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to disagree with everyone here. First of all it would be one thing if they were in the kind of financial situation where $1000 is chump change. In that case husband should go ahead and spend it on whatever he wants. It seems that they are not in this situation and $1000 is a significant windfall of money for them. Of course the wife wants to spend it on something practical and useful and a renovation is obviously something that benefits both of them. I could see myself exclaiming something like this out of excitement because $1000 for me is almost a whole paycheck and I certainly wouldn't expect my husband to go buy himself a new guitar or something when we badly need this money for our crumbling house.

Unless you don't trust your husband with money why would you need to say it out loud right then?

[Anonymous]

You shouldn’t have said anything in front of her. You can discuss it privately later.

My MIL has given me money and said it is to be used for YOU for something fun. She’d be annoyed if DH immediately piped up to declare how the money should be spent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, big mistake talking about how you and your husband spend your money. I've made the same mistake thinking it was innocuous. It's not. They come from a different generation where the male controls the finances. And also, it's her son, so she's protective of "his" money. When you talk about home renovations, all she hears is that you are spending all of his hard earned money on unnecessary things.

It took me a while to understand too. I couldn't understand why she kept repeatedly telling us to go buy furniture at this salvage yard out by them. I asked them if they ever bought anything from there, but they said no. Or when we said our deck was falling apart and needed replacing, she said, it looks fine to me, it doesn't need replacing. I couldn't figure out why she kept arguing with me. But when my husband said to her it needed replacing, she agreed with him. So it needs to come from the husband, not you.

Also, I'm sorry but I agree with your MIL. If it was a birthday present for your husband - he DOES get to spend it how he wants. They intended that as a gift for him. Your comment implies that if they had gifted him a suit for his birthday, then you have every right to go sell it off to pay for some shared gift for you and your husband. That would be incredibly rude.

NP here. First let me clarify that in my response to you I'm referencing the fact that you said most MILs are protective of her son's money not the MIL in the OP.

You are saying that MILs get "protective" of her son's money but that's just it marriage is about teamwork and once married it isn't seem as "her" money or "his" money but rather "their" money. That's how the law sees it unless we are talking about an inheritance here or something but that's not what you are referencing to. Marriage is a partnership.

I also must add that somehow I don't think MIL would be singing the same tune if say the wife/DIL was using what would be considered "her" money to treat herself to a monthly pedicure or a girl's weekend here and there. It wouldn't be seen as hey she works hard and deserves to treat herself it would be seen as by MIL that money could also be used to fix up the deck or something else that would benefit MIL's son or how selfish DIL is to use something that strictly benefits her instead of using it towards her husband as well.

But somehow it's not ok for the DIL to want family money to be used towards something that benefits the two of them because she is taking the son's money to fix up their deck. What the what? Are there really crazy MILs out there that think like that because that's some hypocritical bullshit.

Otherwise if money is still considered "husband's" or "wife's" than how is that different than just being roommates? So your point of saying MILs in general are protective of their son's money even after marriage is moot and doesn't make any sense because usually marriage money is a sense is combined.

Also MIL only listening to the son when he said the exact same thing as the DIL shows MIL's hypocrisy. Also MIL has no idea how they split up the finances. Maybe it looks on the outside like her son makes more money and maybe he does but maybe DIL contributes in other non financial ways such as cleaning or cooking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not only did you overstep with your MIL, but also YDA for trying to snatch a birthday gift from your husband. Sounds like he would have put it in the house pot anyway, but you just snatched it up before he even got a chance to say thank you. No wonder she barked at you. I would have too. I bet you she gives him money privately from now on.

How did she "snatch it up"? she made a comment about how it could go to a project (that is benefitting her DH). I'm not sure what motivated the MIL here, but it sounded like she was miffed at the suggestion that her son would spend HER money on a joint project. That's pretty nasty.

No she was miffed her DI laid claim to the birthday gift she gave her son before the ink dried on the check. Let's say it was a coffee maker and as DH finished unwrapping it before he says anything wife say this will be great in my office. It's not her gift, money or coffee maker, period.
You know darn well if a kid did this as a birthday party the other parents would totally side eye that child for bad manners. The only difference here is that wife is an adult should know to keep her mouth shut.

That is an inapt analogy. Her suggestion was to use it on home renovations - their JOINT home. And "side eye" from a parent is totally different from a rude response from an adult. Adult relationships require large quantities of grace-giving and responsibility-taking. MIL way overreacted. OP has to give grace as well by letting go and not demanding an apology.

I don't agree with you. Wife spoke for her husband on his own gift. He may not even want to spend it on a home reno. You can keep clutching your pearls on entitlement to dictate how your DH spends HIS money, but you are still wrong.

It's amazing to me how you think one (subjective & unintentional) rude response justifies any reaction. And also how you think that just because OP wants it to go to the renovation means that it actually will. This isn't about OP dictating where the money goes, but a touchy MIL way overreacting.

So it's the MIL fault the DIL is rude and said a rude comment?

The MIL's reaction is her own responsibility. Someone saying something you interpret as rude or hurtful does not give you carte blanche to do whatever you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You got between her and her son for no good reason. Your comment was overstepping and rude.

Yes this!
I was in a similar situation with my brother. We were discussing how to use a small inheritance to help our dad. My SIL said something to the effect of “just don’t let it simply sit there, it’s at least something in our kids’ 529”. I don’t think she will be against helping our dad, but it was just terribly out of place!
Also, keep in mind, 99% of MILs think that their DILs are keeping their sons’ interests last in line. Tread lightly

OP was in the wrong with her comment but what makes you think your last sentence is the case? 99% means almost all.

I feel like most MIL/DIL relationships are lovely and some would be even considered close.

You just read about the "bad" MIL or DILs on here because people don't come to a public forum to say, "My MIL came over for dinner last night and we ate a delicious dinner, watched a movie, and talked about the next family vacation."

IRL most of my friends and family either get along well with their MIL or are even close to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not only did you overstep with your MIL, but also YDA for trying to snatch a birthday gift from your husband. Sounds like he would have put it in the house pot anyway, but you just snatched it up before he even got a chance to say thank you. No wonder she barked at you. I would have too. I bet you she gives him money privately from now on.

How did she "snatch it up"? she made a comment about how it could go to a project (that is benefitting her DH). I'm not sure what motivated the MIL here, but it sounded like she was miffed at the suggestion that her son would spend HER money on a joint project. That's pretty nasty.

No she was miffed her DI laid claim to the birthday gift she gave her son before the ink dried on the check. Let's say it was a coffee maker and as DH finished unwrapping it before he says anything wife say this will be great in my office. It's not her gift, money or coffee maker, period.
You know darn well if a kid did this as a birthday party the other parents would totally side eye that child for bad manners. The only difference here is that wife is an adult should know to keep her mouth shut.

That is an inapt analogy. Her suggestion was to use it on home renovations - their JOINT home. And "side eye" from a parent is totally different from a rude response from an adult. Adult relationships require large quantities of grace-giving and responsibility-taking. MIL way overreacted. OP has to give grace as well by letting go and not demanding an apology.

I don't agree with you. Wife spoke for her husband on his own gift. He may not even want to spend it on a home reno. You can keep clutching your pearls on entitlement to dictate how your DH spends HIS money, but you are still wrong.

It's amazing to me how you think one (subjective & unintentional) rude response justifies any reaction. And also how you think that just because OP wants it to go to the renovation means that it actually will. This isn't about OP dictating where the money goes, but a touchy MIL way overreacting.

So it's the MIL fault the DIL is rude and said a rude comment?

The MIL's reaction is her own responsibility. Someone saying something you interpret as rude or hurtful does not give you carte blanche to do whatever you want.

Exactly. Which is why the DIL should have kept her snark to herself when she didn't like the response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You got between her and her son for no good reason. Your comment was overstepping and rude.

Yes this!
I was in a similar situation with my brother. We were discussing how to use a small inheritance to help our dad. My SIL said something to the effect of “just don’t let it simply sit there, it’s at least something in our kids’ 529”. I don’t think she will be against helping our dad, but it was just terribly out of place!
Also, keep in mind, 99% of MILs think that their DILs are keeping their sons’ interests last in line. Tread lightly

OP was in the wrong with her comment but what makes you think your last sentence is the case? 99% means almost all.

I feel like most MIL/DIL relationships are lovely and some would be even considered close.

You just read about the "bad" MIL or DILs on here because people don't come to a public forum to say, "My MIL came over for dinner last night and we ate a delicious dinner, watched a movie, and talked about the next family vacation."

IRL most of my friends and family either get along well with their MIL or are even close to them.

This is off topic but my belief is that in laws are always the class enemies or whatever the Marxist expression is. Their interests are fundamentally different from each other. Some people are civilized enough to not show it. Rubbing it into any in law’s face that what was intended for their blood relative is going to be used by their SO - is a recipe for disaster.