Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

+1

OP- I’m so sorry. I have been there. You are in shock. It will be like this for several weeks. From there I went to burning, intense anger, then utter disgust, lots of new anxiety. Pity, sadness, acceptance, etc. it really is stages of grief which I also was going through as one of my parents had recently died.

My husband basically took over everything in the days, weeks and months after because I could not concentrate or function well. The triggers and ruminating were constant.

I then decided “f&@k it”. I worked and did the majority of kid and family stuff, walking on eggshells to make home life not stressful for 18 years”. I stayed in fantastic shape, had sex whenever he wanted, bought presents for his mom on bday/mother’s day. And, I find out this was going on while I was busting my @ss. So- I was done.

3 years later I still am 75% less of family chores/house stuff. He’s doing it now. Im retired from that life. Balance of power shift, booyah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

Intense trauma is from surviving a natural disaster, fighting in a war, medical problem etc. NOT your husband texting someone else.

F*ck off.

PP is right. It's awful and I'm sure OP feels sick to her stomach and like her world is crashing down. But it'll be fine. She can leave or not, but she should certainly take a long time to decide. I also think her DH's story is pretty mild in the grand scheme of things. He wasn't repeatedly sleeping with one person for years or many people. The longer I live, the more shades of grey I see. I have seen spouses who didn't cheat, but who showed less love and support than those who do. It's not black and white. Cheating is wrong, but we are human and sadly it's in our nature to stray. Most of us biologically were never meant to be partnered with one person for decades upon decades. I have never cheated, but I am human enough to see how it could easily happen. When I was young I said cheating was a dealbreaker. Now that I've had a few partners and have been married for 15 years, I told my DH I don't want to know if he cheated. I threatened his life if he ever fell in love with someone else, but sex I wouldn't want to know about. And we have a happy relationship with regular intimacy.

OP, hang in there. You don't have to figure anything out now. Just make you DH pack, get yourself home. Take all the time you need. You have children so you owe it to them to take your time.

PP, your experiences and your "I wouldn't want to know" stance is 100 percent yours -- fine for you, but if you can't see why offering it up here to an OP who is raw and ripped up is just awful, well, you'd better pray you're never actually cheated on. You may find you care much more than you think you will. The "it's our nature to stray" stuff sounds like a cheater's excuse even if you don't mean it to. And your statement about "He wasn't repeatedly sleeping with one person for many years or many people" -- did you read the thread and the experiences of others who HAVE been cheated on? There is NO way to know at this point if this is "just" sexting after one-time sex; you are taking the DH at his word, which is naive and foolish. And if you think sexting is no big deal-- it is. Clearly you've never experienced betrayal like this, so please realize, your experience is not universally applicable. Nor is it even kind to relate it to someone still reeling from the revelation.

Fine, but "intense trauma" is ridiculously melodramatic. She's not a war refugee, suffering from a fistula due to being repeatedly raped. Geez.

NP. It is indeed comparable to have the person you trusted most turn out to be the person hiding big secrets. Betrayal is highly traumatic.

I would personally be more betrayed and traumatized by financial secrets or things like a secret family.

Good thing this post isn’t about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

Intense trauma is from surviving a natural disaster, fighting in a war, medical problem etc. NOT your husband texting someone else.

F*ck off.

PP is right. It's awful and I'm sure OP feels sick to her stomach and like her world is crashing down. But it'll be fine. She can leave or not, but she should certainly take a long time to decide. I also think her DH's story is pretty mild in the grand scheme of things. He wasn't repeatedly sleeping with one person for years or many people. The longer I live, the more shades of grey I see. I have seen spouses who didn't cheat, but who showed less love and support than those who do. It's not black and white. Cheating is wrong, but we are human and sadly it's in our nature to stray. Most of us biologically were never meant to be partnered with one person for decades upon decades. I have never cheated, but I am human enough to see how it could easily happen. When I was young I said cheating was a dealbreaker. Now that I've had a few partners and have been married for 15 years, I told my DH I don't want to know if he cheated. I threatened his life if he ever fell in love with someone else, but sex I wouldn't want to know about. And we have a happy relationship with regular intimacy.

OP, hang in there. You don't have to figure anything out now. Just make you DH pack, get yourself home. Take all the time you need. You have children so you owe it to them to take your time.

PP, your experiences and your "I wouldn't want to know" stance is 100 percent yours -- fine for you, but if you can't see why offering it up here to an OP who is raw and ripped up is just awful, well, you'd better pray you're never actually cheated on. You may find you care much more than you think you will. The "it's our nature to stray" stuff sounds like a cheater's excuse even if you don't mean it to. And your statement about "He wasn't repeatedly sleeping with one person for many years or many people" -- did you read the thread and the experiences of others who HAVE been cheated on? There is NO way to know at this point if this is "just" sexting after one-time sex; you are taking the DH at his word, which is naive and foolish. And if you think sexting is no big deal-- it is. Clearly you've never experienced betrayal like this, so please realize, your experience is not universally applicable. Nor is it even kind to relate it to someone still reeling from the revelation.

Fine, but "intense trauma" is ridiculously melodramatic. She's not a war refugee, suffering from a fistula due to being repeatedly raped. Geez.

NP. It is indeed comparable to have the person you trusted most turn out to be the person hiding big secrets. Betrayal is highly traumatic.

And so violating and disgusting to find out you were having sex with him while he was exchanging unprotected bodily fluids with someone else without your knowledge, having to go get tested for STIs and tell your Gyn who delivered your children why. Traumatizing and such shame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Sexting is cheating, you sad little doormat

I disagree with PP. yes it’s terrible your husband cheated and has been texting. But do you want to blow up your family and spend 50% of time with your kids over it? Are text messages worth losing your family home and seeing your kids every other holiday?

I’d lay down the law and put an end to this. I’d maybe go to counseling and make it clear you don’t put up with this. Then I’d continue on with life.

Or you can act like a lot of the crazies on this board who compare cheating to murder and write unhinged paragraphs about how they have been wronged.

Sexting is not simply texting. If you actually understand what sexting is, and you’re fine staying with a spouse who would do that with other women, go for it. I could never, personally.

I didn’t say I was fine with it. There’s a lot of space between being okay with it and blowing up your life over it.

For me, the cheating itself would be the “blowing up my life” part of it. Trying to continue in a marriage with someone who I could never fully trust or love again would be like a slow death.

But people have different sorts of marriages, so YMMV.

I don’t think this is a helpful contribution to the discussion, especially when you imply that people who decide to stay and repair the marriage just have lower standards or are somehow ok with a “slow death.”

I have no dog in this fight, thankfully, but from what I have read a lot of people come out of infidelity with stronger marriages. It’s not a black and white issue.

I’m talking about what I am willing to put up with in a marriage. For me, it would be torture to stay in a marriage like that. Again, YMMV.

Similarly, I don’t think it’s a helpful contribution to imply that people “come out of infidelity with stronger marriages”. But I’m not going to try and police the thread to keep you from sharing your opinion.

But it is a fact that some marriages do come out of infidelity as stronger. In my case we had drifted apart and I really couldn't see myself with him after the kids were gone. When he told me had had a mid life crisis affair, it was devastating because I didn't think he was capable of that. Everything blew up at that point and things that should have been said years ago all came out. We hadn't communicated well in years and the affair forced us to a crossroads. He put in a lot of work to earn my trust back, but long story short, we came out the other side with a completely different relationship. I no longer think about life without him after the kids leave. While the affair was an absolutely horrible thing to deal with, if hadn't happened, we would never have made these changes and would have definitely ended up divorced down the line. So, it can, and does happen in some cases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Sexting is cheating, you sad little doormat

I disagree with PP. yes it’s terrible your husband cheated and has been texting. But do you want to blow up your family and spend 50% of time with your kids over it? Are text messages worth losing your family home and seeing your kids every other holiday?

I’d lay down the law and put an end to this. I’d maybe go to counseling and make it clear you don’t put up with this. Then I’d continue on with life.

Or you can act like a lot of the crazies on this board who compare cheating to murder and write unhinged paragraphs about how they have been wronged.

I honestly think a lot of these women would be less upset if they found out their husbands had murdered someone in cold blood. It's so strange.

I’m the immediate PP who said that cheating wouldn’t make me divorce but I don’t see how people can read many stories of how traumatic long-term cheating is for the betrayed spouse and say things like this. If they are acting crazy it’s because the people who are supposed to love them the most have destroyed the very foundations of their lives. It’s not the random dramatic betrayed spouse who says it takes years to get over the symptoms of PTSD and their ability to trust never comes back; the vast majority say that. People who roll their eyes at women who report those impacts are emotionally incompetent and nobody should take their comments seriously.

Their spouses probably do love them, they are just a bit bored with having sex with the same person all the time and for the rest of their lives. Sex and love are two very different things for many people, especially men.

+1,000,000

Many of these guys are still having regular sex with their wives and enjoying their families and planning special things for their wives. They compartmentalize. After getting married in their late 20s and being with the same woman for 20-some years they rationalize getting a no-strings for variety or because they are going through a massive midlife crisis that it isn't a big deal. They don't cross over into family time. There are many men out there that rarely text or talk to their side bangs outside of the occasional meet-up.

Yes. They are complete frickin' idiots who are very shocked when reality comes in and they see how traumatic it is, not only for their families, but themselves because it is so far from the values and integrity they live the rest of their lives with. Crisis of conscience and all.

So somebody can inflict serious trauma on somebody while planning special things for them and having regular sex with them. To me it’s kind of messed up to call that love, but my point was that it’s not “crazy” to be traumatized by it.

It’s called compartmentalization. Lots of Psychology behind it and learned by children of alcoholics, cheaters and neglectful parents. They think they aren’t doing anything wrong precisely because they think they will never get caught and they only say good things and do great things for their spouse. No plans to ever leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Sexting is cheating, you sad little doormat

I disagree with PP. yes it’s terrible your husband cheated and has been texting. But do you want to blow up your family and spend 50% of time with your kids over it? Are text messages worth losing your family home and seeing your kids every other holiday?

I’d lay down the law and put an end to this. I’d maybe go to counseling and make it clear you don’t put up with this. Then I’d continue on with life.

Or you can act like a lot of the crazies on this board who compare cheating to murder and write unhinged paragraphs about how they have been wronged.

I honestly think a lot of these women would be less upset if they found out their husbands had murdered someone in cold blood. It's so strange.

I’m the immediate PP who said that cheating wouldn’t make me divorce but I don’t see how people can read many stories of how traumatic long-term cheating is for the betrayed spouse and say things like this. If they are acting crazy it’s because the people who are supposed to love them the most have destroyed the very foundations of their lives. It’s not the random dramatic betrayed spouse who says it takes years to get over the symptoms of PTSD and their ability to trust never comes back; the vast majority say that. People who roll their eyes at women who report those impacts are emotionally incompetent and nobody should take their comments seriously.

Their spouses probably do love them, they are just a bit bored with having sex with the same person all the time and for the rest of their lives. Sex and love are two very different things for many people, especially men.

+1,000,000

Many of these guys are still having regular sex with their wives and enjoying their families and planning special things for their wives. They compartmentalize. After getting married in their late 20s and being with the same woman for 20-some years they rationalize getting a no-strings for variety or because they are going through a massive midlife crisis that it isn't a big deal. They don't cross over into family time. There are many men out there that rarely text or talk to their side bangs outside of the occasional meet-up.

Yes. They are complete frickin' idiots who are very shocked when reality comes in and they see how traumatic it is, not only for their families, but themselves because it is so far from the values and integrity they live the rest of their lives with. Crisis of conscience and all.

So somebody can inflict serious trauma on somebody while planning special things for them and having regular sex with them. To me it’s kind of messed up to call that love, but my point was that it’s not “crazy” to be traumatized by it.

It’s called compartmentalization. Lots of Psychology behind it and learned by children of alcoholics, cheaters and neglectful parents. They think they aren’t doing anything wrong precisely because they think they will never get caught and they only say good things and do great things for their spouse. No plans to ever leave.

Did you watch White Lotus 2? It was on display there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

Intense trauma is from surviving a natural disaster, fighting in a war, medical problem etc. NOT your husband texting someone else.

Have you ever discovered your spouse was cheating? If not, sit down.

THIS. Big reveals that shatter trust can leave you frozen. My DH was closet drinking. We had alcoholics in our family and promised we would never do that. The day I found his stash of empty bottles he hadn’t had time to dump somewhere else, it felt like the world stopped. One of many repeating thoughts was what else could he be hiding?

Trust is a precious commodity. When it dissolves in an instant, you can’t move because you question everything you thought to be true. I can only imagine how this has impacted OP.[b]

It is a mind f000k. Your world is turned upside now and you don't know what is true anymore. You don't trust anything anymore. You look back and go over every single incident in your past. It is like a brain glitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Sexting is cheating, you sad little doormat

I disagree with PP. yes it’s terrible your husband cheated and has been texting. But do you want to blow up your family and spend 50% of time with your kids over it? Are text messages worth losing your family home and seeing your kids every other holiday?

I’d lay down the law and put an end to this. I’d maybe go to counseling and make it clear you don’t put up with this. Then I’d continue on with life.

Or you can act like a lot of the crazies on this board who compare cheating to murder and write unhinged paragraphs about how they have been wronged.

I honestly think a lot of these women would be less upset if they found out their husbands had murdered someone in cold blood. It's so strange.

I’m the immediate PP who said that cheating wouldn’t make me divorce but I don’t see how people can read many stories of how traumatic long-term cheating is for the betrayed spouse and say things like this. If they are acting crazy it’s because the people who are supposed to love them the most have destroyed the very foundations of their lives. It’s not the random dramatic betrayed spouse who says it takes years to get over the symptoms of PTSD and their ability to trust never comes back; the vast majority say that. People who roll their eyes at women who report those impacts are emotionally incompetent and nobody should take their comments seriously.

Their spouses probably do love them, they are just a bit bored with having sex with the same person all the time and for the rest of their lives. Sex and love are two very different things for many people, especially men.

+1,000,000

Many of these guys are still having regular sex with their wives and enjoying their families and planning special things for their wives. They compartmentalize. After getting married in their late 20s and being with the same woman for 20-some years they rationalize getting a no-strings for variety or because they are going through a massive midlife crisis that it isn't a big deal. They don't cross over into family time. There are many men out there that rarely text or talk to their side bangs outside of the occasional meet-up.

Yes. They are complete frickin' idiots who are very shocked when reality comes in and they see how traumatic it is, not only for their families, but themselves because it is so far from the values and integrity they live the rest of their lives with. Crisis of conscience and all.

So somebody can inflict serious trauma on somebody while planning special things for them and having regular sex with them. To me it’s kind of messed up to call that love, but my point was that it’s not “crazy” to be traumatized by it.

It’s called compartmentalization. Lots of Psychology behind it and learned by children of alcoholics, cheaters and neglectful parents. They think they aren’t doing anything wrong precisely because they think they will never get caught and they only say good things and do great things for their spouse. No plans to ever leave.

Yes I know it's called compartmentalization. I'm saying I personally do not think you can inflict trauma on somebody while still loving them, regardless of why you are able to inflict trauma.

[Anonymous]

I also found out when I was in another country. Pretty crappy situation. I left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Sexting is cheating, you sad little doormat

I disagree with PP. yes it’s terrible your husband cheated and has been texting. But do you want to blow up your family and spend 50% of time with your kids over it? Are text messages worth losing your family home and seeing your kids every other holiday?

I’d lay down the law and put an end to this. I’d maybe go to counseling and make it clear you don’t put up with this. Then I’d continue on with life.

Or you can act like a lot of the crazies on this board who compare cheating to murder and write unhinged paragraphs about how they have been wronged.

I honestly think a lot of these women would be less upset if they found out their husbands had murdered someone in cold blood. It's so strange.

I’m the immediate PP who said that cheating wouldn’t make me divorce but I don’t see how people can read many stories of how traumatic long-term cheating is for the betrayed spouse and say things like this. If they are acting crazy it’s because the people who are supposed to love them the most have destroyed the very foundations of their lives. It’s not the random dramatic betrayed spouse who says it takes years to get over the symptoms of PTSD and their ability to trust never comes back; the vast majority say that. People who roll their eyes at women who report those impacts are emotionally incompetent and nobody should take their comments seriously.

Their spouses probably do love them, they are just a bit bored with having sex with the same person all the time and for the rest of their lives. Sex and love are two very different things for many people, especially men.

+1,000,000

Many of these guys are still having regular sex with their wives and enjoying their families and planning special things for their wives. They compartmentalize. After getting married in their late 20s and being with the same woman for 20-some years they rationalize getting a no-strings for variety or because they are going through a massive midlife crisis that it isn't a big deal. They don't cross over into family time. There are many men out there that rarely text or talk to their side bangs outside of the occasional meet-up.

Yes. They are complete frickin' idiots who are very shocked when reality comes in and they see how traumatic it is, not only for their families, but themselves because it is so far from the values and integrity they live the rest of their lives with. Crisis of conscience and all.

So somebody can inflict serious trauma on somebody while planning special things for them and having regular sex with them. To me it’s kind of messed up to call that love, but my point was that it’s not “crazy” to be traumatized by it.

It’s called compartmentalization. Lots of Psychology behind it and learned by children of alcoholics, cheaters and neglectful parents. They think they aren’t doing anything wrong precisely because they think they will never get caught and they only say good things and do great things for their spouse. No plans to ever leave.

Yes I know it's called compartmentalization. I'm saying I personally do not think you can inflict trauma on somebody while still loving them, regardless of why you are able to inflict trauma.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

Intense trauma is from surviving a natural disaster, fighting in a war, medical problem etc. NOT your husband texting someone else.

Have you ever discovered your spouse was cheating? If not, sit down.

THIS. Big reveals that shatter trust can leave you frozen. My DH was closet drinking. We had alcoholics in our family and promised we would never do that. The day I found his stash of empty bottles he hadn’t had time to dump somewhere else, it felt like the world stopped. One of many repeating thoughts was what else could he be hiding?

Trust is a precious commodity. When it dissolves in an instant, you can’t move because you question everything you thought to be true. I can only imagine how this has impacted OP.[b]

It is a mind f000k. Your world is turned upside now and you don't know what is true anymore. You don't trust anything anymore. You look back and go over every single incident in your past. It is like a brain glitch.

When you are blindsided by a huge spousal breach of trust, when it’s a relationship with that much intimacy, the ripple effects go beyond that relationship. You wonder how you can trust or believe in anything ever again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Sexting is cheating, you sad little doormat

I disagree with PP. yes it’s terrible your husband cheated and has been texting. But do you want to blow up your family and spend 50% of time with your kids over it? Are text messages worth losing your family home and seeing your kids every other holiday?

I’d lay down the law and put an end to this. I’d maybe go to counseling and make it clear you don’t put up with this. Then I’d continue on with life.

Or you can act like a lot of the crazies on this board who compare cheating to murder and write unhinged paragraphs about how they have been wronged.

I honestly think a lot of these women would be less upset if they found out their husbands had murdered someone in cold blood. It's so strange.

I’m the immediate PP who said that cheating wouldn’t make me divorce but I don’t see how people can read many stories of how traumatic long-term cheating is for the betrayed spouse and say things like this. If they are acting crazy it’s because the people who are supposed to love them the most have destroyed the very foundations of their lives. It’s not the random dramatic betrayed spouse who says it takes years to get over the symptoms of PTSD and their ability to trust never comes back; the vast majority say that. People who roll their eyes at women who report those impacts are emotionally incompetent and nobody should take their comments seriously.

Their spouses probably do love them, they are just a bit bored with having sex with the same person all the time and for the rest of their lives. Sex and love are two very different things for many people, especially men.

+1,000,000

Many of these guys are still having regular sex with their wives and enjoying their families and planning special things for their wives. They compartmentalize. After getting married in their late 20s and being with the same woman for 20-some years they rationalize getting a no-strings for variety or because they are going through a massive midlife crisis that it isn't a big deal. They don't cross over into family time. There are many men out there that rarely text or talk to their side bangs outside of the occasional meet-up.

Yes. They are complete frickin' idiots who are very shocked when reality comes in and they see how traumatic it is, not only for their families, but themselves because it is so far from the values and integrity they live the rest of their lives with. Crisis of conscience and all.

So somebody can inflict serious trauma on somebody while planning special things for them and having regular sex with them. To me it’s kind of messed up to call that love, but my point was that it’s not “crazy” to be traumatized by it.

It’s called compartmentalization. Lots of Psychology behind it and learned by children of alcoholics, cheaters and neglectful parents. They think they aren’t doing anything wrong precisely because they think they will never get caught and they only say good things and do great things for their spouse. No plans to ever leave.

Yes I know it's called compartmentalization. I'm saying I personally do not think you can inflict trauma on somebody while still loving them, regardless of why you are able to inflict trauma.

+2

You are completely missing the point. They aren't in their minds. They can't see they are inflicting trauma. They think they will never get caught and the fact they are discreet and going through great lengths to make sure it never gets out is part of 'the love' in their mind.

I didn't say it wasn't messed up. I'm telling you many of these people do have deep love for their spouse and children, family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

Intense trauma is from surviving a natural disaster, fighting in a war, medical problem etc. NOT your husband texting someone else.

Have you ever discovered your spouse was cheating? If not, sit down.

THIS. Big reveals that shatter trust can leave you frozen. My DH was closet drinking. We had alcoholics in our family and promised we would never do that. The day I found his stash of empty bottles he hadn’t had time to dump somewhere else, it felt like the world stopped. One of many repeating thoughts was what else could he be hiding?

Trust is a precious commodity. When it dissolves in an instant, you can’t move because you question everything you thought to be true. I can only imagine how this has impacted OP.

It is a mind f000k. Your world is turned upside now and you don't know what is true anymore. You don't trust anything anymore. You look back and go over every single incident in your past. It is like a brain glitch.

When you are blindsided by a huge spousal breach of trust, when it’s a relationship with that much intimacy, the ripple effects go beyond that relationship.[b] You wonder how you can trust or believe in anything ever again.

Yes. And all the joie de vivre is sucked out of life. Nothing is what it seems and everything seems a danger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Sexting is cheating, you sad little doormat

I disagree with PP. yes it’s terrible your husband cheated and has been texting. But do you want to blow up your family and spend 50% of time with your kids over it? Are text messages worth losing your family home and seeing your kids every other holiday?

I’d lay down the law and put an end to this. I’d maybe go to counseling and make it clear you don’t put up with this. Then I’d continue on with life.

Or you can act like a lot of the crazies on this board who compare cheating to murder and write unhinged paragraphs about how they have been wronged.

I honestly think a lot of these women would be less upset if they found out their husbands had murdered someone in cold blood. It's so strange.

I’m the immediate PP who said that cheating wouldn’t make me divorce but I don’t see how people can read many stories of how traumatic long-term cheating is for the betrayed spouse and say things like this. If they are acting crazy it’s because the people who are supposed to love them the most have destroyed the very foundations of their lives. It’s not the random dramatic betrayed spouse who says it takes years to get over the symptoms of PTSD and their ability to trust never comes back; the vast majority say that. People who roll their eyes at women who report those impacts are emotionally incompetent and nobody should take their comments seriously.

Their spouses probably do love them, they are just a bit bored with having sex with the same person all the time and for the rest of their lives. Sex and love are two very different things for many people, especially men.

+1,000,000

Many of these guys are still having regular sex with their wives and enjoying their families and planning special things for their wives. They compartmentalize. After getting married in their late 20s and being with the same woman for 20-some years they rationalize getting a no-strings for variety or because they are going through a massive midlife crisis that it isn't a big deal. They don't cross over into family time. There are many men out there that rarely text or talk to their side bangs outside of the occasional meet-up.

Yes. They are complete frickin' idiots who are very shocked when reality comes in and they see how traumatic it is, not only for their families, but themselves because it is so far from the values and integrity they live the rest of their lives with. Crisis of conscience and all.

So somebody can inflict serious trauma on somebody while planning special things for them and having regular sex with them. To me it’s kind of messed up to call that love, but my point was that it’s not “crazy” to be traumatized by it.

It’s called compartmentalization. Lots of Psychology behind it and learned by children of alcoholics, cheaters and neglectful parents. They think they aren’t doing anything wrong precisely because they think they will never get caught and they only say good things and do great things for their spouse. No plans to ever leave.

Yes I know it's called compartmentalization. I'm saying I personally do not think you can inflict trauma on somebody while still loving them, regardless of why you are able to inflict trauma.

You are wrong.

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Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Sexting is cheating, you sad little doormat

I disagree with PP. yes it’s terrible your husband cheated and has been texting. But do you want to blow up your family and spend 50% of time with your kids over it? Are text messages worth losing your family home and seeing your kids every other holiday?

I’d lay down the law and put an end to this. I’d maybe go to counseling and make it clear you don’t put up with this. Then I’d continue on with life.

Or you can act like a lot of the crazies on this board who compare cheating to murder and write unhinged paragraphs about how they have been wronged.

I honestly think a lot of these women would be less upset if they found out their husbands had murdered someone in cold blood. It's so strange.

I’m the immediate PP who said that cheating wouldn’t make me divorce but I don’t see how people can read many stories of how traumatic long-term cheating is for the betrayed spouse and say things like this. If they are acting crazy it’s because the people who are supposed to love them the most have destroyed the very foundations of their lives. It’s not the random dramatic betrayed spouse who says it takes years to get over the symptoms of PTSD and their ability to trust never comes back; the vast majority say that. People who roll their eyes at women who report those impacts are emotionally incompetent and nobody should take their comments seriously.

Their spouses probably do love them, they are just a bit bored with having sex with the same person all the time and for the rest of their lives. Sex and love are two very different things for many people, especially men.

+1,000,000

Many of these guys are still having regular sex with their wives and enjoying their families and planning special things for their wives. They compartmentalize. After getting married in their late 20s and being with the same woman for 20-some years they rationalize getting a no-strings for variety or because they are going through a massive midlife crisis that it isn't a big deal. They don't cross over into family time. There are many men out there that rarely text or talk to their side bangs outside of the occasional meet-up.

Yes. They are complete frickin' idiots who are very shocked when reality comes in and they see how traumatic it is, not only for their families, but themselves because it is so far from the values and integrity they live the rest of their lives with. Crisis of conscience and all.

So somebody can inflict serious trauma on somebody while planning special things for them and having regular sex with them. To me it’s kind of messed up to call that love, but my point was that it’s not “crazy” to be traumatized by it.

It’s called compartmentalization. Lots of Psychology behind it and learned by children of alcoholics, cheaters and neglectful parents. They think they aren’t doing anything wrong precisely because they think they will never get caught and they only say good things and do great things for their spouse. No plans to ever leave.

Yes I know it's called compartmentalization. I'm saying I personally do not think you can inflict trauma on somebody while still loving them, regardless of why you are able to inflict trauma.

+2

You are completely missing the point. They aren't in their minds. They can't see they are inflicting trauma. They think they will never get caught and the fact they are discreet and going through great lengths to make sure it never gets out is part of 'the love' in their mind.

I didn't say it wasn't messed up. I'm telling you many of these people do have deep love for their spouse and children, family.

I'm not missing the point. I assume we have a different definition of love. I think that if you love somebody, you don't severely hurt them, no matter how much you think you love them or how many warm fuzzy feelings you have toward them.