Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

Intense trauma is from surviving a natural disaster, fighting in a war, medical problem etc. NOT your husband texting someone else.

F*ck off.

PP is right. It's awful and I'm sure OP feels sick to her stomach and like her world is crashing down. But it'll be fine. She can leave or not, but she should certainly take a long time to decide. I also think her DH's story is pretty mild in the grand scheme of things. He wasn't repeatedly sleeping with one person for years or many people. The longer I live, the more shades of grey I see. I have seen spouses who didn't cheat, but who showed less love and support than those who do. It's not black and white. Cheating is wrong, but we are human and sadly it's in our nature to stray. Most of us biologically were never meant to be partnered with one person for decades upon decades. I have never cheated, but I am human enough to see how it could easily happen. When I was young I said cheating was a dealbreaker. Now that I've had a few partners and have been married for 15 years, I told my DH I don't want to know if he cheated. I threatened his life if he ever fell in love with someone else, but sex I wouldn't want to know about. And we have a happy relationship with regular intimacy.

OP, hang in there. You don't have to figure anything out now. Just make you DH pack, get yourself home. Take all the time you need. You have children so you owe it to them to take your time.

I love it when people frame not putting up with cheating as immaturity.

[Anonymous]

It’s not a trauma contest for heavens sake. OP is displaying trauma symptoms. When I was in OP’s shoes, I experienced exactly the same. I was absolutely paralyzed for a few days - couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t do anything and my brain felt entirely different. It absolutely had to heal put of that response before I could even put one foot in front of the other. I then replayed the situation in my head for a year - my brain was clearly working through it. I was an absolute zombie for a year, lost twenty pounds, was literally just surviving. Then I began the work of healing. It probably took me two full years to start to feel like myself again.

Others have described this feeling too and it is absolutely consistent with trauma/PTSD response. Would I rather be a war rape victim or have my husband cheat on me? Well duh. Clearly being a rape victim is worse. But it doesn’t mean you can’t claim a trauma response - it’s not either/or. What’s the point in gatekeeping trauma response?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

Completely understandable. Being away from home during this is hard, but returning HOME and to not so normal family life brings a whole new set of challenges and reality for you. Simple goals: remember to eat and try to get adequate sleep. You, like many of us before you, will get through the hell you are currently in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

Intense trauma is from surviving a natural disaster, fighting in a war, medical problem etc. NOT your husband texting someone else.

Have you ever discovered your spouse was cheating? If not, sit down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

Intense trauma is from surviving a natural disaster, fighting in a war, medical problem etc. NOT your husband texting someone else.

F*ck off.

PP is right. It's awful and I'm sure OP feels sick to her stomach and like her world is crashing down. But it'll be fine. She can leave or not, but she should certainly take a long time to decide. I also think her DH's story is pretty mild in the grand scheme of things. He wasn't repeatedly sleeping with one person for years or many people. The longer I live, the more shades of grey I see. I have seen spouses who didn't cheat, but who showed less love and support than those who do. It's not black and white. Cheating is wrong, but we are human and sadly it's in our nature to stray. Most of us biologically were never meant to be partnered with one person for decades upon decades. I have never cheated, but I am human enough to see how it could easily happen. When I was young I said cheating was a dealbreaker. Now that I've had a few partners and have been married for 15 years, I told my DH I don't want to know if he cheated. I threatened his life if he ever fell in love with someone else, but sex I wouldn't want to know about. And we have a happy relationship with regular intimacy.

OP, hang in there. You don't have to figure anything out now. Just make you DH pack, get yourself home. Take all the time you need. You have children so you owe it to them to take your time.

PP, your experiences and your "I wouldn't want to know" stance is 100 percent yours -- fine for you, but if you can't see why offering it up here to an OP who is raw and ripped up is just awful, well, you'd better pray you're never actually cheated on. You may find you care much more than you think you will. The "it's our nature to stray" stuff sounds like a cheater's excuse even if you don't mean it to. And your statement about "He wasn't repeatedly sleeping with one person for many years or many people" -- did you read the thread and the experiences of others who HAVE been cheated on? There is NO way to know at this point if this is "just" sexting after one-time sex; you are taking the DH at his word, which is naive and foolish. And if you think sexting is no big deal-- it is. Clearly you've never experienced betrayal like this, so please realize, your experience is not universally applicable. Nor is it even kind to relate it to someone still reeling from the revelation.

Fine, but "intense trauma" is ridiculously melodramatic. She's not a war refugee, suffering from a fistula due to being repeatedly raped. Geez.

NP. It is indeed comparable to have the person you trusted most turn out to be the person hiding big secrets. Betrayal is highly traumatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

Intense trauma is from surviving a natural disaster, fighting in a war, medical problem etc. NOT your husband texting someone else.

F*ck off.

OP, hang in there. You don't have to figure anything out now. Just make you DH pack, get yourself home. Take all the time you need. You have children so you owe it to them to take your time.

Fixed it for you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Sexting is cheating, you sad little doormat

I disagree with PP. yes it’s terrible your husband cheated and has been texting. But do you want to blow up your family and spend 50% of time with your kids over it? Are text messages worth losing your family home and seeing your kids every other holiday?

I’d lay down the law and put an end to this. I’d maybe go to counseling and make it clear you don’t put up with this. Then I’d continue on with life.

Or you can act like a lot of the crazies on this board who compare cheating to murder and write unhinged paragraphs about how they have been wronged.

I honestly think a lot of these women would be less upset if they found out their husbands had murdered someone in cold blood. It's so strange.

I’m the immediate PP who said that cheating wouldn’t make me divorce but I don’t see how people can read many stories of how traumatic long-term cheating is for the betrayed spouse and say things like this. If they are acting crazy it’s because the people who are supposed to love them the most have destroyed the very foundations of their lives. It’s not the random dramatic betrayed spouse who says it takes years to get over the symptoms of PTSD and their ability to trust never comes back; the vast majority say that. People who roll their eyes at women who report those impacts are emotionally incompetent and nobody should take their comments seriously.

They are the married women cheating on their own spouses. If you haven't been truly in love and given someone 100% unconditional trust and had what you thought was a great marriage...and then been blind-sided--yeah, you wouldn't even begin to understand or imagine.

If you are a woman on Ashley Madison who could care less about your husband or thinks cheating is no big deal, then--yeah--you would have zero idea what another woman is going through and the type of trauma it has caused her. You think its all BS because you are out there banging away and if your husband actually was too, you would have a reason to divorce him finally and exit the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

Intense trauma is from surviving a natural disaster, fighting in a war, medical problem etc. NOT your husband texting someone else.

Have you ever discovered your spouse was cheating? If not, sit down.

THIS. Big reveals that shatter trust can leave you frozen. My DH was closet drinking. We had alcoholics in our family and promised we would never do that. The day I found his stash of empty bottles he hadn’t had time to dump somewhere else, it felt like the world stopped. One of many repeating thoughts was what else could he be hiding?

Trust is a precious commodity. When it dissolves in an instant, you can’t move because you question everything you thought to be true. I can only imagine how this has impacted OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

Intense trauma is from surviving a natural disaster, fighting in a war, medical problem etc. NOT your husband texting someone else.

F*ck off.

PP is right. It's awful and I'm sure OP feels sick to her stomach and like her world is crashing down. But it'll be fine. She can leave or not, but she should certainly take a long time to decide. I also think her DH's story is pretty mild in the grand scheme of things. He wasn't repeatedly sleeping with one person for years or many people. The longer I live, the more shades of grey I see. I have seen spouses who didn't cheat, but who showed less love and support than those who do. It's not black and white. Cheating is wrong, but we are human and sadly it's in our nature to stray. Most of us biologically were never meant to be partnered with one person for decades upon decades. I have never cheated, but I am human enough to see how it could easily happen. When I was young I said cheating was a dealbreaker. Now that I've had a few partners and have been married for 15 years, I told my DH I don't want to know if he cheated. I threatened his life if he ever fell in love with someone else, but sex I wouldn't want to know about. And we have a happy relationship with regular intimacy.

OP, hang in there. You don't have to figure anything out now. Just make you DH pack, get yourself home. Take all the time you need. You have children so you owe it to them to take your time.

I love it when people frame not putting up with cheating as immaturity.

I love it when people frame knee-jerk tear the family apart immediately and go nuclear as maturity and strength.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

Intense trauma is from surviving a natural disaster, fighting in a war, medical problem etc. NOT your husband texting someone else.

F*ck off.

PP is right. It's awful and I'm sure OP feels sick to her stomach and like her world is crashing down. But it'll be fine. She can leave or not, but she should certainly take a long time to decide. I also think her DH's story is pretty mild in the grand scheme of things. He wasn't repeatedly sleeping with one person for years or many people. The longer I live, the more shades of grey I see. I have seen spouses who didn't cheat, but who showed less love and support than those who do. It's not black and white. Cheating is wrong, but we are human and sadly it's in our nature to stray. Most of us biologically were never meant to be partnered with one person for decades upon decades. I have never cheated, but I am human enough to see how it could easily happen. When I was young I said cheating was a dealbreaker. Now that I've had a few partners and have been married for 15 years, I told my DH I don't want to know if he cheated. I threatened his life if he ever fell in love with someone else, but sex I wouldn't want to know about. And we have a happy relationship with regular intimacy.

OP, hang in there. You don't have to figure anything out now. Just make you DH pack, get yourself home. Take all the time you need. You have children so you owe it to them to take your time.

PP, your experiences and your "I wouldn't want to know" stance is 100 percent yours -- fine for you, but if you can't see why offering it up here to an OP who is raw and ripped up is just awful, well, you'd better pray you're never actually cheated on. You may find you care much more than you think you will. The "it's our nature to stray" stuff sounds like a cheater's excuse even if you don't mean it to. And your statement about "He wasn't repeatedly sleeping with one person for many years or many people" -- did you read the thread and the experiences of others who HAVE been cheated on? There is NO way to know at this point if this is "just" sexting after one-time sex; you are taking the DH at his word, which is naive and foolish. And if you think sexting is no big deal-- it is. Clearly you've never experienced betrayal like this, so please realize, your experience is not universally applicable. Nor is it even kind to relate it to someone still reeling from the revelation.

Fine, but "intense trauma" is ridiculously melodramatic. She's not a war refugee, suffering from a fistula due to being repeatedly raped. Geez.

NP. It is indeed comparable to have the person you trusted most turn out to be the person hiding big secrets. Betrayal is highly traumatic.

I would personally be more betrayed and traumatized by financial secrets or things like a secret family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Sexting is cheating, you sad little doormat

I disagree with PP. yes it’s terrible your husband cheated and has been texting. But do you want to blow up your family and spend 50% of time with your kids over it? Are text messages worth losing your family home and seeing your kids every other holiday?

I’d lay down the law and put an end to this. I’d maybe go to counseling and make it clear you don’t put up with this. Then I’d continue on with life.

Or you can act like a lot of the crazies on this board who compare cheating to murder and write unhinged paragraphs about how they have been wronged.

I honestly think a lot of these women would be less upset if they found out their husbands had murdered someone in cold blood. It's so strange.

I’m the immediate PP who said that cheating wouldn’t make me divorce but I don’t see how people can read many stories of how traumatic long-term cheating is for the betrayed spouse and say things like this. If they are acting crazy it’s because the people who are supposed to love them the most have destroyed the very foundations of their lives. It’s not the random dramatic betrayed spouse who says it takes years to get over the symptoms of PTSD and their ability to trust never comes back; the vast majority say that. People who roll their eyes at women who report those impacts are emotionally incompetent and nobody should take their comments seriously.

Their spouses probably do love them, they are just a bit bored with having sex with the same person all the time and for the rest of their lives. Sex and love are two very different things for many people, especially men.

+1,000,000

Many of these guys are still having regular sex with their wives and enjoying their families and planning special things for their wives. They compartmentalize. After getting married in their late 20s and being with the same woman for 20-some years they rationalize getting a no-strings for variety or because they are going through a massive midlife crisis that it isn't a big deal. They don't cross over into family time. There are many men out there that rarely text or talk to their side bangs outside of the occasional meet-up.

Yes. They are complete frickin' idiots who are very shocked when reality comes in and they see how traumatic it is, not only for their families, but themselves because it is so far from the values and integrity they live the rest of their lives with. Crisis of conscience and all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

Intense trauma is from surviving a natural disaster, fighting in a war, medical problem etc. NOT your husband texting someone else.

F*ck off.

PP is right. It's awful and I'm sure OP feels sick to her stomach and like her world is crashing down. But it'll be fine. She can leave or not, but she should certainly take a long time to decide. I also think her DH's story is pretty mild in the grand scheme of things. He wasn't repeatedly sleeping with one person for years or many people. The longer I live, the more shades of grey I see. I have seen spouses who didn't cheat, but who showed less love and support than those who do. It's not black and white. Cheating is wrong, but we are human and sadly it's in our nature to stray. Most of us biologically were never meant to be partnered with one person for decades upon decades. I have never cheated, but I am human enough to see how it could easily happen. When I was young I said cheating was a dealbreaker. Now that I've had a few partners and have been married for 15 years, I told my DH I don't want to know if he cheated. I threatened his life if he ever fell in love with someone else, but sex I wouldn't want to know about. And we have a happy relationship with regular intimacy.

OP, hang in there. You don't have to figure anything out now. Just make you DH pack, get yourself home. Take all the time you need. You have children so you owe it to them to take your time.

I love it when people frame not putting up with cheating as immaturity.

I love it when people frame knee-jerk tear the family apart immediately and go nuclear as maturity and strength.

Show me where I said that? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I know someone who had this happen to them. They immediately went online and found a separation agreement they could fill out. They put everything they wanted into the agreement (financial, custody, etc) and had the sobbing spouse sign it. Get your ducks in a row while he’s still feeling guilty and hasn’t started blaming you for everything yet. You can sort the rest out later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was one drunken hookup 3 years ago, and after that just texting. Think carefully how big a deal you want to make of this.

Sexting is cheating, you sad little doormat

I disagree with PP. yes it’s terrible your husband cheated and has been texting. But do you want to blow up your family and spend 50% of time with your kids over it? Are text messages worth losing your family home and seeing your kids every other holiday?

I’d lay down the law and put an end to this. I’d maybe go to counseling and make it clear you don’t put up with this. Then I’d continue on with life.

Or you can act like a lot of the crazies on this board who compare cheating to murder and write unhinged paragraphs about how they have been wronged.

I honestly think a lot of these women would be less upset if they found out their husbands had murdered someone in cold blood. It's so strange.

I’m the immediate PP who said that cheating wouldn’t make me divorce but I don’t see how people can read many stories of how traumatic long-term cheating is for the betrayed spouse and say things like this. If they are acting crazy it’s because the people who are supposed to love them the most have destroyed the very foundations of their lives. It’s not the random dramatic betrayed spouse who says it takes years to get over the symptoms of PTSD and their ability to trust never comes back; the vast majority say that. People who roll their eyes at women who report those impacts are emotionally incompetent and nobody should take their comments seriously.

Their spouses probably do love them, they are just a bit bored with having sex with the same person all the time and for the rest of their lives. Sex and love are two very different things for many people, especially men.

+1,000,000

Many of these guys are still having regular sex with their wives and enjoying their families and planning special things for their wives. They compartmentalize. After getting married in their late 20s and being with the same woman for 20-some years they rationalize getting a no-strings for variety or because they are going through a massive midlife crisis that it isn't a big deal. They don't cross over into family time. There are many men out there that rarely text or talk to their side bangs outside of the occasional meet-up.

Yes. They are complete frickin' idiots who are very shocked when reality comes in and they see how traumatic it is, not only for their families, but themselves because it is so far from the values and integrity they live the rest of their lives with. Crisis of conscience and all.

So somebody can inflict serious trauma on somebody while planning special things for them and having regular sex with them. To me it’s kind of messed up to call that love, but my point was that it’s not “crazy” to be traumatized by it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here

Idk what's happening to me. I'm basically in a catatonic state. I can't even think how to pack our bags and get us home.

OP your husband needs to take the lead on packing the bags and handling travel logistics. You're having a normal reaction to intense trauma. Tell him he has to do this as you are simply unable to handle it right now.

Just get home, OP. That's all you need to do right now.

Intense trauma is from surviving a natural disaster, fighting in a war, medical problem etc. NOT your husband texting someone else.

F*ck off.

PP is right. It's awful and I'm sure OP feels sick to her stomach and like her world is crashing down. But it'll be fine. She can leave or not, but she should certainly take a long time to decide. I also think her DH's story is pretty mild in the grand scheme of things. He wasn't repeatedly sleeping with one person for years or many people. The longer I live, the more shades of grey I see. I have seen spouses who didn't cheat, but who showed less love and support than those who do. It's not black and white. Cheating is wrong, but we are human and sadly it's in our nature to stray. Most of us biologically were never meant to be partnered with one person for decades upon decades. I have never cheated, but I am human enough to see how it could easily happen. When I was young I said cheating was a dealbreaker. Now that I've had a few partners and have been married for 15 years, I told my DH I don't want to know if he cheated. I threatened his life if he ever fell in love with someone else, but sex I wouldn't want to know about. And we have a happy relationship with regular intimacy.

OP, hang in there. You don't have to figure anything out now. Just make you DH pack, get yourself home. Take all the time you need. You have children so you owe it to them to take your time.

You basically just gave your spouse permission to cheat. Don’t think your DH didn’t take it that way. I suppose not knowing also magically protects your from STIs, surprise illegitimate children (who have a legal right to financial support from DH)…ok, then, keep that head buried in the sands of your nuanced world.