If you are married to a big law partner, how involved are they in your family's home life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am a PP who is a spouse of a partner, and it is laughable to me that an anonymous stranger could actually think they “know” that I am in denial about my partners well being. Or the well being of all our friends also in big law. There are problems in how some law firms address mental health and work life balance, and I’m proud that my partner has been a leader in addressing those issues head on in his firm - and he leads by example. He works hard, but his family and well-being (including sleep!) come first.

+1 The guy posting as retired partner apparently believes his experience is the only one, and if people claim different experiences or emotions it’s only because they are not self-aware.

The guy posting as retired partner probably knows more about how miserable his partners are/were than many of their spouses because he likely spent more time with them.

I believe him a lot more than I believe the self-interested spouse PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any spouses of consulting/accounting partners, banking/asset management MDs, or c-suite? Do you think it is a similar experience to what people are saying re big law?

I’m curious about this too but it probably deserves its own thread since people reading this one are less likely to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Because mine makes the coffee in the morning and that's about it. I'm starting to get resentful but curious if any big law spouses out there have the time/energy to do more.

What the heck is a big law parter? He is a lawyer facing acromegaly or obesity? Why house chores or childcare is even an issue when you guys have money to outsource it all?

[Anonymous]

Physician network is also filled with stories of stress and lack of free time and more so in two physician families. Noone will leave their job, they enjoy the work, the prestige and tons of money but struggle leading to tense marriages or divorces is overwhelmingly prevalent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Because mine makes the coffee in the morning and that's about it. I'm starting to get resentful but curious if any big law spouses out there have the time/energy to do more.

What the heck is a big law parter? He is a lawyer facing acromegaly or obesity? Why house chores or childcare is even an issue when you guys have money to outsource it all?

There are just different types of law environments and they have different names. There is solo practice, regional firm, boutique, government, etc. Big law just refers to firms that have, I dunno, over 500 lawyers?

I don’t want to sound tone deaf but not all big law partners are rolling in cash. DH would never retire if we outsourced literally everything. DH doesn’t want to do big law forever just to be able to hire a housekeeper to come in every day to cook and clean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am a PP who is a spouse of a partner, and it is laughable to me that an anonymous stranger could actually think they “know” that I am in denial about my partners well being. Or the well being of all our friends also in big law. There are problems in how some law firms address mental health and work life balance, and I’m proud that my partner has been a leader in addressing those issues head on in his firm - and he leads by example. He works hard, but his family and well-being (including sleep!) come first.

+1 The guy posting as retired partner apparently believes his experience is the only one, and if people claim different experiences or emotions it’s only because they are not self-aware.

The guy posting as retired partner probably knows more about how miserable his partners are/were than many of their spouses because he likely spent more time with them.

I believe him a lot more than I believe the self-interested spouse PP.

I am him, and thank you. It’s interesting; my wife had no problem whatsoever with my walking away and giving up all of that money because she, too, knew it was an unnecessarily grueling and unhealthy existence in so many ways for both of us. But, again, like me she managed not to get too caught up in the financial trappings either. I don’t think the majority of Biglaw partners wives are like her in that way. This seems to be being confirmed in this thread.

Since walk away from working life almost a decade ago, we have been living extremely comfortably on around $225k a year, all generated from retirement accounts and other investments that I made when working (spouse was a SAHM mom). Having just passed 60, we are still years away from collecting social security., but when that happens we will get a boost of about another $55k. That will be nice, sure, but not necessary: We haven’t had to make any lifestyle changes since retiring, because we never lived that large before. You just don’t need any more money than that, especially once the kids are grown, and it can really ruin to make so much money and then decide that you can’t live well without it.



We leave next week for a two-week trip abroad.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Sorry for the typos. I’m on my phone watching tv on a rainy day ha ha

[Anonymous]

The guy posting as retired partner probably knows more about how miserable his partners are/were than many of their spouses because he likely spent more time with them.


I believe him a lot more than I believe the self-interested spouse PP.

I agree with others that he is very smug. There are current partners posting on here whose input I find more compelling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The guy posting as retired partner probably knows more about how miserable his partners are/were than many of their spouses because he likely spent more time with them.


I believe him a lot more than I believe the self-interested spouse PP.

I agree with others that he is very smug. There are current partners posting on here whose input I find more compelling.

Current partners who haven’t yet experienced the freedom of the other side, you mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The guy posting as retired partner probably knows more about how miserable his partners are/were than many of their spouses because he likely spent more time with them.


I believe him a lot more than I believe the self-interested spouse PP.

I agree with others that he is very smug. There are current partners posting on here whose input I find more compelling.

He is smug, true. But more believable than the spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Physician network is also filled with stories of stress and lack of free time and more so in two physician families. Noone will leave their job, they enjoy the work, the prestige and tons of money but struggle leading to tense marriages or divorces is overwhelmingly prevalent.

Lots of female physicians in two physician families leave their jobs or cut back significantly.

Also, outsourcing at home is easier said than done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Physician network is also filled with stories of stress and lack of free time and more so in two physician families. Noone will leave their job, they enjoy the work, the prestige and tons of money but struggle leading to tense marriages or divorces is overwhelmingly prevalent.

Lots of female physicians in two physician families leave their jobs or cut back significantly.

Also, outsourcing at home is easier said than done.

I totally agree with the outsourcing sentiment!! It's hard to find good people to do the hard things well.And I pay well over market rate for any service because I value their time. It's why I end up doing so much of it myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a big law partner. Three kids under four. He's with us 6:30-7:30 am (gets the kids up and helps with breakfast). Then 5:45-7:15. Eats diner with us every night and does bath for the older kids. Spends most of the weekend hands on unless he has a call.

He makes this work by doing a ton at night after bedtime and working o during nap time on the weekend. He also will routinely handle doctors appointments, is always there for the first day of school etc.

Partnership offers much more flexibility. We will never take a vacation where he doesn't need to work, but he is able to have a lot of say over his schedule, much more so than when he was an associate.
In terms of mental load, I'd say it's 70% me, maybe less though. This is because I have high expectations of him as a father and spouse and don't put up with a lot of bs excuses. He needs to be present mentally and emotionally for our kids, that's not negotiable. I wouldn't have married and had three kids with someone who didn't prioritize that though.

That’s amazing! I’m so jealous. My DH is a big law partner and we do the mornings together (7-8am) with the kids some (but not all) days and then he pops in for bedtime about 10-20 minutes and that’s it. We never eat dinner together and he works after the kids go to bed too. Every night I am on my own and go to bed alone. He is around some on weekends. I work full time at a demanding job and can’t quit right now for various reasons so I am at my wits end. I feel so alone and he’s about to leave for a month to be overseas for a case. I’m just not sure how much longer I can handle this. I’ve complained several times and he says he will change but nothing ever does. How do people live like this? Is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is a big law partner. Three kids under four. He's with us 6:30-7:30 am (gets the kids up and helps with breakfast). Then 5:45-7:15. Eats diner with us every night and does bath for the older kids. Spends most of the weekend hands on unless he has a call.

He makes this work by doing a ton at night after bedtime and working o during nap time on the weekend. He also will routinely handle doctors appointments, is always there for the first day of school etc.

Partnership offers much more flexibility. We will never take a vacation where he doesn't need to work, but he is able to have a lot of say over his schedule, much more so than when he was an associate.
In terms of mental load, I'd say it's 70% me, maybe less though. This is because I have high expectations of him as a father and spouse and don't put up with a lot of bs excuses. He needs to be present mentally and emotionally for our kids, that's not negotiable. I wouldn't have married and had three kids with someone who didn't prioritize that though.

That’s amazing! I’m so jealous. My DH is a big law partner and we do the mornings together (7-8am) with the kids some (but not all) days and then he pops in for bedtime about 10-20 minutes and that’s it. We never eat dinner together and he works after the kids go to bed too. Every night I am on my own and go to bed alone. He is around some on weekends. I work full time at a demanding job and can’t quit right now for various reasons so I am at my wits end. I feel so alone and he’s about to leave for a month to be overseas for a case. I’m just not sure how much longer I can handle this. I’ve complained several times and he says he will change but nothing ever does. How do people live like this? Is this normal?

Did you know what you were getting into at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am a PP who is a spouse of a partner, and it is laughable to me that an anonymous stranger could actually think they “know” that I am in denial about my partners well being. Or the well being of all our friends also in big law. There are problems in how some law firms address mental health and work life balance, and I’m proud that my partner has been a leader in addressing those issues head on in his firm - and he leads by example. He works hard, but his family and well-being (including sleep!) come first.

+1 The guy posting as retired partner apparently believes his experience is the only one, and if people claim different experiences or emotions it’s only because they are not self-aware.

The guy posting as retired partner probably knows more about how miserable his partners are/were than many of their spouses because he likely spent more time with them.

I believe him a lot more than I believe the self-interested spouse PP.

I am him, and thank you. It’s interesting; my wife had no problem whatsoever with my walking away and giving up all of that money because she, too, knew it was an unnecessarily grueling and unhealthy existence in so many ways for both of us. But, again, like me she managed not to get too caught up in the financial trappings either. I don’t think the majority of Biglaw partners wives are like her in that way. This seems to be being confirmed in this thread.

Since walk away from working life almost a decade ago, we have been living extremely comfortably on around $225k a year, all generated from retirement accounts and other investments that I made when working (spouse was a SAHM mom). Having just passed 60, we are still years away from collecting social security., but when that happens we will get a boost of about another $55k. That will be nice, sure, but not necessary: We haven’t had to make any lifestyle changes since retiring, because we never lived that large before. You just don’t need any more money than that, especially once the kids are grown, and it can really ruin to make so much money and then decide that you can’t live well without it.



We leave next week for a two-week trip abroad.

.

I tend to believe you in your experience at big law but I find it disingenuous that you think it’s the wives who want the big law partners to keep working. I think it’s likely most of them want to support the husband’s ambitions, and so the choice for them is to either divorce or accept. I don’t know if you mean it or not but you sound like you’re blaming wives for husbands wanting to be in this kind of work scenario.