17 Year Old Custody Schedule

[Anonymous]

So, how did it go, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, how did it go, OP?

OP here: my DS's next weekend with his dad isn't until next weekend, so I don't know yet. I slept on it for two nights and tried to talk to DS again. DS is still adamant he won't go to his dad's next weekend. My ex refuses to discuss it with DS because ex says this is a dispute between me and him to figure out, because DS isn't one of the parties who signed the custody agreement.

To address other PPs' comments: DS doesn't have to miss any of his actual football games because those are on Friday nights. So on his dad's weekends, DS either gets driven up to his dad's Friday night after the game, or Saturday morning after Saturday morning practice (when he has them). He hasn't been missing any of his sports commitments with our schedule. But he does miss out on post-game/practice socializing those weekends, which is part of why he's starting refusing to go.

I suggested to ex that maybe we can just ease the strict schedule until football season is over, and then try to get DS to go back to EOW for the rest of the school year, but ex said no.

[Anonymous]

If there is anyway you can force or bribe him this one time without ruining your relationship with DS it might be worth it because he is going to sulk and be a turd to his dad the whole weekend and dad might be forced to face the music and realize what you're dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, how did it go, OP?

OP here: my DS's next weekend with his dad isn't until next weekend, so I don't know yet. I slept on it for two nights and tried to talk to DS again. DS is still adamant he won't go to his dad's next weekend. My ex refuses to discuss it with DS because ex says this is a dispute between me and him to figure out, because DS isn't one of the parties who signed the custody agreement.

To address other PPs' comments: DS doesn't have to miss any of his actual football games because those are on Friday nights. So on his dad's weekends, DS either gets driven up to his dad's Friday night after the game, or Saturday morning after Saturday morning practice (when he has them). He hasn't been missing any of his sports commitments with our schedule. But he does miss out on post-game/practice socializing those weekends, which is part of why he's starting refusing to go.

I suggested to ex that maybe we can just ease the strict schedule until football season is over, and then try to get DS to go back to EOW for the rest of the school year, but ex said no.

You ex is right. He is there very little time. He has every weekday and every other weekend with his friends. Ex is being flexible either doing it late Friday or Saturday. Really if he’s doing it Saturday to Sunday that is two nights a month. If you reduce it more, you are stopping all visits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, how did it go, OP?

OP here: my DS's next weekend with his dad isn't until next weekend, so I don't know yet. I slept on it for two nights and tried to talk to DS again. DS is still adamant he won't go to his dad's next weekend. My ex refuses to discuss it with DS because ex says this is a dispute between me and him to figure out, because DS isn't one of the parties who signed the custody agreement.

To address other PPs' comments: DS doesn't have to miss any of his actual football games because those are on Friday nights. So on his dad's weekends, DS either gets driven up to his dad's Friday night after the game, or Saturday morning after Saturday morning practice (when he has them). He hasn't been missing any of his sports commitments with our schedule. But he does miss out on post-game/practice socializing those weekends, which is part of why he's starting refusing to go.

I suggested to ex that maybe we can just ease the strict schedule until football season is over, and then try to get DS to go back to EOW for the rest of the school year, but ex said no.

In all seriousness, with a kid that old who will be 18 in less than 12 months, I would do nothing.

I wouldn’t engage with ex in the topic anymore or DS.

Ex can do whatever he wants.

He can call the police. He can file with the courts. Whatever.

The cops will be annoyed and will tell him to do something reasonable like come to pick up his kid

He can file with the court, a lawyer will take his money and tell him he is wasting his time, but will happily take his money.
If you make it to court, either the judge will tell your DH to be reasonable or tell your kid to go to visitation and by that time it will be a couple months or so.

Drop the rope with your ex and just let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has DS tried saying to Dad: "hey Dad, I'm looking forward to our visit this weekend. I have football practice Saturday afternoon, and dinner with the team afterward. Since I don't have a car yet, will you drive me to those events, or do I need to find someone to pick me up?". (The "someone" could be you, but don't specify that up front).

Basically, make it about attending the specific activities on any given weekend, not a battle over visitation in general. Dad might be willing to be a d*CK to you, but hopefully he'll be nicer when he has to face his son directly.

I like this idea.

+1.

And mom should stop making it easy for DS to stay with her on dad’s weekend. Don’t cook his meals, don’t be the chauffeur, don’t plan entertainment. This is your kid-free weekend, so live like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has DS tried saying to Dad: "hey Dad, I'm looking forward to our visit this weekend. I have football practice Saturday afternoon, and dinner with the team afterward. Since I don't have a car yet, will you drive me to those events, or do I need to find someone to pick me up?". (The "someone" could be you, but don't specify that up front).

Basically, make it about attending the specific activities on any given weekend, not a battle over visitation in general. Dad might be willing to be a d*CK to you, but hopefully he'll be nicer when he has to face his son directly.

I like this idea.

+1.

And mom should stop making it easy for DS to stay with her on dad’s weekend. Don’t cook his meals, don’t be the chauffeur, don’t plan entertainment. This is your kid-free weekend, so live like it.

+2 No money for going out and don't approve his request to go hang out with friends.

Dad is compromising with Saturday night only. There is not much more to compromise with when he isn't even getting the full weekend as ordered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, how did it go, OP?

OP here: my DS's next weekend with his dad isn't until next weekend, so I don't know yet. I slept on it for two nights and tried to talk to DS again. DS is still adamant he won't go to his dad's next weekend. My ex refuses to discuss it with DS because ex says this is a dispute between me and him to figure out, because DS isn't one of the parties who signed the custody agreement.

To address other PPs' comments: DS doesn't have to miss any of his actual football games because those are on Friday nights. So on his dad's weekends, DS either gets driven up to his dad's Friday night after the game, or Saturday morning after Saturday morning practice (when he has them). He hasn't been missing any of his sports commitments with our schedule. But he does miss out on post-game/practice socializing those weekends, which is part of why he's starting refusing to go.

I suggested to ex that maybe we can just ease the strict schedule until football season is over, and then try to get DS to go back to EOW for the rest of the school year, but ex said no.

In all seriousness, with a kid that old who will be 18 in less than 12 months, I would do nothing.

I wouldn’t engage with ex in the topic anymore or DS.

Ex can do whatever he wants.

He can call the police. He can file with the courts. Whatever.

The cops will be annoyed and will tell him to do something reasonable like come to pick up his kid

He can file with the court, a lawyer will take his money and tell him he is wasting his time, but will happily take his money.
If you make it to court, either the judge will tell your DH to be reasonable or tell your kid to go to visitation and by that time it will be a couple months or so.

Drop the rope with your ex and just let it go.

This is terrible advice. This kid can go see his Dad two nights a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, how did it go, OP?

OP here: my DS's next weekend with his dad isn't until next weekend, so I don't know yet. I slept on it for two nights and tried to talk to DS again. DS is still adamant he won't go to his dad's next weekend. My ex refuses to discuss it with DS because ex says this is a dispute between me and him to figure out, because DS isn't one of the parties who signed the custody agreement.

To address other PPs' comments: DS doesn't have to miss any of his actual football games because those are on Friday nights. So on his dad's weekends, DS either gets driven up to his dad's Friday night after the game, or Saturday morning after Saturday morning practice (when he has them). He hasn't been missing any of his sports commitments with our schedule. But he does miss out on post-game/practice socializing those weekends, which is part of why he's starting refusing to go.

I suggested to ex that maybe we can just ease the strict schedule until football season is over, and then try to get DS to go back to EOW for the rest of the school year, but ex said no.

In all seriousness, with a kid that old who will be 18 in less than 12 months, I would do nothing.

I wouldn’t engage with ex in the topic anymore or DS.

Ex can do whatever he wants.

He can call the police. He can file with the courts. Whatever.

The cops will be annoyed and will tell him to do something reasonable like come to pick up his kid

He can file with the court, a lawyer will take his money and tell him he is wasting his time, but will happily take his money.
If you make it to court, either the judge will tell your DH to be reasonable or tell your kid to go to visitation and by that time it will be a couple months or so.

Drop the rope with your ex and just let it go.

+1. If your son refuses to get in the car then he needs to call dad and tell him that he is not coming. I would engage through texting only and let EX know, I am sitting in the car waiting to drive Larlo to your house. He will not get in the car. You need to call DS to talk to him. I am waiting in the car to drive him.

I would text this once and not respond further. He and DS can figure out what to do. I would be very clear with your son that you would like him to follow the custody arrangement since you have suggested alternatives and ex said no. My only caveat is if you are afraid that your ex will harm you or DS. D***ing around like this, can really enrage some people. If you think your ex is dangerous, then I would bribe, punish, whatever I had to do to keep kid on the visitation schedule. Once kid is 18 then he can do what he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has DS tried saying to Dad: "hey Dad, I'm looking forward to our visit this weekend. I have football practice Saturday afternoon, and dinner with the team afterward. Since I don't have a car yet, will you drive me to those events, or do I need to find someone to pick me up?". (The "someone" could be you, but don't specify that up front).

Basically, make it about attending the specific activities on any given weekend, not a battle over visitation in general. Dad might be willing to be a d*CK to you, but hopefully he'll be nicer when he has to face his son directly.

I like this idea.

+1.

And mom should stop making it easy for DS to stay with her on dad’s weekend. Don’t cook his meals, don’t be the chauffeur, don’t plan entertainment. This is your kid-free weekend, so live like it.

+2 No money for going out and don't approve his request to go hang out with friends.

Dad is compromising with Saturday night only. There is not much more to compromise with when he isn't even getting the full weekend as ordered.

OP here:

To be clear, I have offered to drive my DS up to my ex on Friday nights, as long as my ex will take DS to football practice Saturday mornings (I work Saturday mornings). My ex refuses. So, my ex chose to give up Friday night, and chose instead to have me DS up to him Saturday afternoon.

Also, DS only has Saturday morning practices for the first month of football season. Every other month of the year, I drive DS up Friday night on my ex’s weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 17 year old DS is a senior in high school, turning 18 in the spring. He has started trying to refuse visitation at his dad's on the every other weekend schedule we've followed for basically his entire life. (Dad lives an hour and 15 minutes away, which is why we have always had that schedule). DS's reason is that he's busy with fall sports (football), school, friends, etc. He doesn't want to be at his dad's two weekends a month anymore. It has nothing to do with liking me or not liking his dad, and everything to do with where his school, friends, and life all are.

His dad is adamant that the schedule has to stay the same until DS turns 18.

What, if anything, can I do here? DS told me he is "not going EOW and you can't make me." Am I expected to manhandle my son into the car and drive him up there next weekend? Hold a gun to his head? I don't want to be in contempt of a court order - and his dad has threatened to take me to court if DS won't cooperate. How is a judge going to look at this for an almost-18 year old? I assume we just have to suck it up until spring, right?

FWIW, I have encouraged my DS to continue to see and spend time with his dad, so I am not the barrier here. But I am sympathetic to where DS is coming from when his dad lives so far away and given his age.

Thanks all.

Ex is selfish
My son at 16/17 was busy all the time with friends, sports, work. We never saw him. His dad needs to drive there and plan around your sons schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 17 year old DS is a senior in high school, turning 18 in the spring. He has started trying to refuse visitation at his dad's on the every other weekend schedule we've followed for basically his entire life. (Dad lives an hour and 15 minutes away, which is why we have always had that schedule). DS's reason is that he's busy with fall sports (football), school, friends, etc. He doesn't want to be at his dad's two weekends a month anymore. It has nothing to do with liking me or not liking his dad, and everything to do with where his school, friends, and life all are.

His dad is adamant that the schedule has to stay the same until DS turns 18.

What, if anything, can I do here? DS told me he is "not going EOW and you can't make me." Am I expected to manhandle my son into the car and drive him up there next weekend? Hold a gun to his head? I don't want to be in contempt of a court order - and his dad has threatened to take me to court if DS won't cooperate. How is a judge going to look at this for an almost-18 year old? I assume we just have to suck it up until spring, right?

FWIW, I have encouraged my DS to continue to see and spend time with his dad, so I am not the barrier here. But I am sympathetic to where DS is coming from when his dad lives so far away and given his age.

Thanks all.

Ex is selfish
My son at 16/17 was busy all the time with friends, sports, work. We never saw him. His dad needs to drive there and plan around your sons schedule.

That’s not selfish to have your kid basically overnight two nights a month. Kid is selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

Maybe he wants a relationship with his child? He only gets 4 days a month. Have you stopped to consider what that must be like as a parent? Now, you are changing it to two days a month.

If he wants a relationship with his child he needs to be willing to compromise. A senior in high school has a life outside of his parents. The father should be respectful of this. Forcing a kid to spend 2 weekends a month at a place he doesn't want to be is going to drive a wedge between them. This sounds like it's about control, not about having a healthy relationship with his son. My parents were divorced and I spent every weekend with my dad. Once I started driving I did not go there every weekend. I was involved with sports and my friends. I wasn't hanging out at home every weekend with either parent. Instead of acting like a control freak or a child, my dad adjusted his expectations and found other ways to spend time with me. He was always at my sporting events and we'd other go out to dinner after games or practice. Your ex is being unreasonable and he's going to ruin his relationship with his son. I would let him take it to court. Your son turns 18 in less than a year. Let your son plead his case in front of the judge.

I agree. You can’t force him. Let the chips fall. His dad sounds like an a$$.

[Anonymous]

How long has your son been dealing with this? i feel sorry for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- most of the posters here have no idea what they’re talking about. There is zero chance you’re going to be held in contempt of court. Make a reasonable attempt to communicate this with your ex in writing, and keep all of the documentation.

‘ExH, The visitation schedule is no longer in DS’s best interest, and I would like to help the two of you work out something that is a better fit. Given the distance and DS’ extracurriculars, it would make more sense for you to visit him here in his hometown during the week and/or on weekends, on a mutually agreed upon schedule, and for DS to visit you once a month instead of twice. Let’s find a compromise that works for everyone’

If he refuses to compromise, let him take it to court. The judge is going to find him unreasonable, I can guarantee it. And you don’t need to pay a lawyer, I’ve represented myself in court many times and it’s always been fine. They probably have people at the courthouse that can assist you should you need to file motions.

Good luck! You’re a good mom.

100% agree with all of this and I have significant experience in Family Court as well. Especially with dad refusing to take son to football practice on Saturday mornings and other documented behavior like that. OP you need to be looking out for your son‘s best interests