17 Year Old Custody Schedule

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- most of the posters here have no idea what they’re talking about. There is zero chance you’re going to be held in contempt of court. Make a reasonable attempt to communicate this with your ex in writing, and keep all of the documentation.

‘ExH, The visitation schedule is no longer in DS’s best interest, and I would like to help the two of you work out something that is a better fit. Given the distance and DS’ extracurriculars, it would make more sense for you to visit him here in his hometown during the week and/or on weekends, on a mutually agreed upon schedule, and for DS to visit you once a month instead of twice. Let’s find a compromise that works for everyone’

If he refuses to compromise, let him take it to court. The judge is going to find him unreasonable, I can guarantee it. And you don’t need to pay a lawyer, I’ve represented myself in court many times and it’s always been fine. They probably have people at the courthouse that can assist you should you need to file motions.

Good luck! You’re a good mom.

Agree with this. You won’t even see the inside of a court, if it cones do that, for months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op can you flip the driving? Dad picks him up, you bring him back. It's still 50/50.

Although that would require cooperation from him.

Posted too soon. That puts the onus on dad to get ds there for visits. Dad can fight it out with ds.

OP here: Even if my ex agreed to that, that doesn't solve the problem of what happens and what I'm realistically supposed to do, or how/whether I should be punishing my DS, if DS refuses to get into his car.

No you shouldn't, this is his decision to make and he should not be punished for making it.

OP here: Well half the people in this thread are telling me I would be in contempt of court for letting DS refuse to comply with our court order and that I should be doing whatever I can to enforce it, even if it means giving consequences to my DS.

Yeah... you know what? I doubt it would even get to court. I just suggested grounding, but all that does is make him mad at both you.

Is there any way to get advice from a lawyer, I wonder?

OP here: Yes, I realize I could contact a lawyer. But the last time I used a lawyer for a dispute between me and my ex, the costs killed me. I was laid off for 6 months in the beginning of the pandemic and I've been digging myself out of a financial hole and trying to pay off debt since. Again, I don't want to get into too many identifying details, but there are various reasons as to why my financial situation has been shit the last several years.

I realize nothing on a public forum is legal advice, but I was hoping for "real world" answers as to what will ACTUALLY happen if my DS refuses to get in the car and go to his dad's, from anyone who's maybe been through this kind of situation before. I definitely don't want to pay legal fines or anything like that. I can't afford to.

You know what will happen? Nothing. This wouldn't even get to court before he turns 18. BIL was denied access several times, and his ex was in court more than once before contempt was even suggested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- most of the posters here have no idea what they’re talking about. There is zero chance you’re going to be held in contempt of court. Make a reasonable attempt to communicate this with your ex in writing, and keep all of the documentation.

‘ExH, The visitation schedule is no longer in DS’s best interest, and I would like to help the two of you work out something that is a better fit. Given the distance and DS’ extracurriculars, it would make more sense for you to visit him here in his hometown during the week and/or on weekends, on a mutually agreed upon schedule, and for DS to visit you once a month instead of twice. Let’s find a compromise that works for everyone’

If he refuses to compromise, let him take it to court. The judge is going to find him unreasonable, I can guarantee it. And you don’t need to pay a lawyer, I’ve represented myself in court many times and it’s always been fine. They probably have people at the courthouse that can assist you should you need to file motions.

Good luck! You’re a good mom.

If there is a time reduction, OP is not being reasonable. Dad has four days a month. Reducing it from four to two is not reasonable.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Good luck to your ex in having a close and meaningful relationship with his son if this is how he treats him. Tell your son he is supposed to follow the visitation schedule. When he doesn't and your ex squawks at you tell him you can't force a 17 yr old to see someone he doesn't want to see. Let him take you to court. This should not be expensive - maybe 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Your son will have to say he doesn't want to go. Judge will rule in his favor.

OP here - how do you know this?

I also don't see how this will only be 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Last time we had to go to court over a dispute, it was at least 15 hours.

I know the judge will rule in his favor because I've done matrimonial and family law for over 20 years and courts listen to 17 yr olds about their wishes regarding visitation.

OP here: ok, but what if a 17 year old said they NEVER wanted to see the other parent? A court wouldn't grant that, no? Kids still have to spend time with both parents, unless parental rights are terminated. That's how it's always been explained to me.

It's fair to say a judge would require DS to be there at least one weekend a month, right? And I support that. Both because I want DS to have a relationship with his dad, but also, selfishly, as a single parent I do appreciate my occasional kid-free time.

No judgment OP, but this is the problem: you and your ex are on the same side against your kid. You’ve been pitching this as a difference between the kid and ex, but really it’s a convo between you and your kid about how you need some alone weekends too and if he stays home how can you still get that time. Once you and your son are on the same page I bet the ex piece will be easier to figure out.

OP here: This is why I have proposed (to both my ex and my DS) that my DS continue to spend one weekend a month with his dad. I'm fine if it drops from two weekends to one. But my ex is still insisting on both weekends.

It's time to stop discussing this with your ex. Tell him he needs to discuss it with your son.

And invest in an hour or two with your attorney and find out what your options are here because, yeah, it's not realistic to require you to physically force your almost adult son into the car. I think the easiest and most immediate solution is that you and your ex switch pick up and drop off, which is honestly always the way it should have been. If the ex refuses to agree to that then you drop your son off once a month.

If your ex takes you to court, he takes you to court. I don't think you need a lawyer to stand in front of a judge and say, "I was physically unable to force my 17 year old into the car." and for your son to say he doesn't want to spend two weekends a month at his dad's house and refuses to go.

+1 And start documenting things. Have your son write to the ex to come to him, so he doesn't have to miss his whole senior year parties/games/sports practices etc. 2x a month. (which is reasonable.) Then you have it documented when the ex says no, that he's not willinging to accomodate his kid's preferences and prefer to have the convenience of the kid driving 3 hours/weekend to come to him. And I'm sorry OP. It seems like there's an aggressive poster on this thread who doesn't read anything but just wants to complain about how your desire is really just to alienate the dad (which is not the case here at all.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- most of the posters here have no idea what they’re talking about. There is zero chance you’re going to be held in contempt of court. Make a reasonable attempt to communicate this with your ex in writing, and keep all of the documentation.

‘ExH, The visitation schedule is no longer in DS’s best interest, and I would like to help the two of you work out something that is a better fit. Given the distance and DS’ extracurriculars, it would make more sense for you to visit him here in his hometown during the week and/or on weekends, on a mutually agreed upon schedule, and for DS to visit you once a month instead of twice. Let’s find a compromise that works for everyone’

If he refuses to compromise, let him take it to court. The judge is going to find him unreasonable, I can guarantee it. And you don’t need to pay a lawyer, I’ve represented myself in court many times and it’s always been fine. They probably have people at the courthouse that can assist you should you need to file motions.

Good luck! You’re a good mom.

If there is a time reduction, OP is not being reasonable. Dad has four days a month. Reducing it from four to two is not reasonable.

No, the dad is not reasonable. The kid doesn't want to travel to see dad 2x/month and miss out that activities that all his other friends are doing. Let dad come to him (at least one weekend a month).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- most of the posters here have no idea what they’re talking about. There is zero chance you’re going to be held in contempt of court. Make a reasonable attempt to communicate this with your ex in writing, and keep all of the documentation.

‘ExH, The visitation schedule is no longer in DS’s best interest, and I would like to help the two of you work out something that is a better fit. Given the distance and DS’ extracurriculars, it would make more sense for you to visit him here in his hometown during the week and/or on weekends, on a mutually agreed upon schedule, and for DS to visit you once a month instead of twice. Let’s find a compromise that works for everyone’

If he refuses to compromise, let him take it to court. The judge is going to find him unreasonable, I can guarantee it. And you don’t need to pay a lawyer, I’ve represented myself in court many times and it’s always been fine. They probably have people at the courthouse that can assist you should you need to file motions.

Good luck! You’re a good mom.

If there is a time reduction, OP is not being reasonable. Dad has four days a month. Reducing it from four to two is not reasonable.

No, the dad is not reasonable. The kid doesn't want to travel to see dad 2x/month and miss out that activities that all his other friends are doing. Let dad come to him (at least one weekend a month).

Dad doesn't have housing near mom. Family should come before friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Good luck to your ex in having a close and meaningful relationship with his son if this is how he treats him. Tell your son he is supposed to follow the visitation schedule. When he doesn't and your ex squawks at you tell him you can't force a 17 yr old to see someone he doesn't want to see. Let him take you to court. This should not be expensive - maybe 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Your son will have to say he doesn't want to go. Judge will rule in his favor.

OP here - how do you know this?

I also don't see how this will only be 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Last time we had to go to court over a dispute, it was at least 15 hours.

I know the judge will rule in his favor because I've done matrimonial and family law for over 20 years and courts listen to 17 yr olds about their wishes regarding visitation.

OP here: ok, but what if a 17 year old said they NEVER wanted to see the other parent? A court wouldn't grant that, no? Kids still have to spend time with both parents, unless parental rights are terminated. That's how it's always been explained to me.

It's fair to say a judge would require DS to be there at least one weekend a month, right? And I support that. Both because I want DS to have a relationship with his dad, but also, selfishly, as a single parent I do appreciate my occasional kid-free time.

No judgment OP, but this is the problem: you and your ex are on the same side against your kid. You’ve been pitching this as a difference between the kid and ex, but really it’s a convo between you and your kid about how you need some alone weekends too and if he stays home how can you still get that time. Once you and your son are on the same page I bet the ex piece will be easier to figure out.

OP here: This is why I have proposed (to both my ex and my DS) that my DS continue to spend one weekend a month with his dad. I'm fine if it drops from two weekends to one. But my ex is still insisting on both weekends.

It's time to stop discussing this with your ex. Tell him he needs to discuss it with your son.

And invest in an hour or two with your attorney and find out what your options are here because, yeah, it's not realistic to require you to physically force your almost adult son into the car. I think the easiest and most immediate solution is that you and your ex switch pick up and drop off, which is honestly always the way it should have been. If the ex refuses to agree to that then you drop your son off once a month.

If your ex takes you to court, he takes you to court. I don't think you need a lawyer to stand in front of a judge and say, "I was physically unable to force my 17 year old into the car." and for your son to say he doesn't want to spend two weekends a month at his dad's house and refuses to go.

+1 And start documenting things. Have your son write to the ex to come to him, so he doesn't have to miss his whole senior year parties/games/sports practices etc. 2x a month. (which is reasonable.) Then you have it documented when the ex says no, that he's not willinging to accomodate his kid's preferences and prefer to have the convenience of the kid driving 3 hours/weekend to come to him. And I'm sorry OP. It seems like there's an aggressive poster on this thread who doesn't read anything but just wants to complain about how your desire is really just to alienate the dad (which is not the case here at all.)

Don't do this. This is absolutely alienating the Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Good luck to your ex in having a close and meaningful relationship with his son if this is how he treats him. Tell your son he is supposed to follow the visitation schedule. When he doesn't and your ex squawks at you tell him you can't force a 17 yr old to see someone he doesn't want to see. Let him take you to court. This should not be expensive - maybe 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Your son will have to say he doesn't want to go. Judge will rule in his favor.

OP here - how do you know this?

I also don't see how this will only be 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Last time we had to go to court over a dispute, it was at least 15 hours.

I know the judge will rule in his favor because I've done matrimonial and family law for over 20 years and courts listen to 17 yr olds about their wishes regarding visitation.

OP here: ok, but what if a 17 year old said they NEVER wanted to see the other parent? A court wouldn't grant that, no? Kids still have to spend time with both parents, unless parental rights are terminated. That's how it's always been explained to me.

It's fair to say a judge would require DS to be there at least one weekend a month, right? And I support that. Both because I want DS to have a relationship with his dad, but also, selfishly, as a single parent I do appreciate my occasional kid-free time.

No judgment OP, but this is the problem: you and your ex are on the same side against your kid. You’ve been pitching this as a difference between the kid and ex, but really it’s a convo between you and your kid about how you need some alone weekends too and if he stays home how can you still get that time. Once you and your son are on the same page I bet the ex piece will be easier to figure out.

OP here: This is why I have proposed (to both my ex and my DS) that my DS continue to spend one weekend a month with his dad. I'm fine if it drops from two weekends to one. But my ex is still insisting on both weekends.

It's time to stop discussing this with your ex. Tell him he needs to discuss it with your son.

And invest in an hour or two with your attorney and find out what your options are here because, yeah, it's not realistic to require you to physically force your almost adult son into the car. I think the easiest and most immediate solution is that you and your ex switch pick up and drop off, which is honestly always the way it should have been. If the ex refuses to agree to that then you drop your son off once a month.

If your ex takes you to court, he takes you to court. I don't think you need a lawyer to stand in front of a judge and say, "I was physically unable to force my 17 year old into the car." and for your son to say he doesn't want to spend two weekends a month at his dad's house and refuses to go.

+1 And start documenting things. Have your son write to the ex to come to him, so he doesn't have to miss his whole senior year parties/games/sports practices etc. 2x a month. (which is reasonable.) Then you have it documented when the ex says no, that he's not willinging to accomodate his kid's preferences and prefer to have the convenience of the kid driving 3 hours/weekend to come to him. And I'm sorry OP. It seems like there's an aggressive poster on this thread who doesn't read anything but just wants to complain about how your desire is really just to alienate the dad (which is not the case here at all.)

Don't do this. This is absolutely alienating the Dad.

No, it isn't. It's advocating for her son's wellbeing. As any good mom would. There's no reason dad can't drive 1.5 hours to see his kid, rather than the kid driving 1.5 hours to see dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- most of the posters here have no idea what they’re talking about. There is zero chance you’re going to be held in contempt of court. Make a reasonable attempt to communicate this with your ex in writing, and keep all of the documentation.

‘ExH, The visitation schedule is no longer in DS’s best interest, and I would like to help the two of you work out something that is a better fit. Given the distance and DS’ extracurriculars, it would make more sense for you to visit him here in his hometown during the week and/or on weekends, on a mutually agreed upon schedule, and for DS to visit you once a month instead of twice. Let’s find a compromise that works for everyone’

If he refuses to compromise, let him take it to court. The judge is going to find him unreasonable, I can guarantee it. And you don’t need to pay a lawyer, I’ve represented myself in court many times and it’s always been fine. They probably have people at the courthouse that can assist you should you need to file motions.

Good luck! You’re a good mom.

Agree with this. You won’t even see the inside of a court, if it cones do that, for months.

+1 Agree, but would suggest to have your kid write if he feels so passionately about not visiting. This is not your idea, and your DH needs to listen to his kid, and if there are any issues of contempt of court, at least it's all in writing that you tried.

[Anonymous]

You know 1.5 hours isn’t that far. Some of us commute that far each way to work. If dad really wanted to see his kid he’d be making way more plans than just insisting on his four days in his house each month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know 1.5 hours isn’t that far. Some of us commute that far each way to work. If dad really wanted to see his kid he’d be making way more plans than just insisting on his four days in his house each month.

+1 Yes. This is an obvious case of putting the wishes and needs of the child first, rather than treating the son like a plaything who has to come to you. If the OP had the money to bring it to court, she would prevail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op can you flip the driving? Dad picks him up, you bring him back. It's still 50/50.

Although that would require cooperation from him.

Posted too soon. That puts the onus on dad to get ds there for visits. Dad can fight it out with ds.

OP here: Even if my ex agreed to that, that doesn't solve the problem of what happens and what I'm realistically supposed to do, or how/whether I should be punishing my DS, if DS refuses to get into his car.

You can't bodily force a 17 year old into a car. If dad wants him to come visit, the two of THEM need to have a conversation and figure out how to make it work. Can DH take you to court over it, sure! When will the court date actually happen? The reality is that you are not the one impeding visits. When it comes time to leave get in the car. Tell DS to get in the car. If he doesn't, he needs to FaceTime his dad. Dad can see that you are in the car waiting to go. Maybe he will come to force the issue (in some jurisdictions police might be willing to come with him--this would be a real wakeup call to your DS). This is about communication between your ex DH and your son. Get yourself out of the middle of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op can you flip the driving? Dad picks him up, you bring him back. It's still 50/50.

Although that would require cooperation from him.

Posted too soon. That puts the onus on dad to get ds there for visits. Dad can fight it out with ds.

OP here: Even if my ex agreed to that, that doesn't solve the problem of what happens and what I'm realistically supposed to do, or how/whether I should be punishing my DS, if DS refuses to get into his car.

You can't bodily force a 17 year old into a car. If dad wants him to come visit, the two of THEM need to have a conversation and figure out how to make it work. Can DH take you to court over it, sure! When will the court date actually happen? The reality is that you are not the one impeding visits. When it comes time to leave get in the car. Tell DS to get in the car. If he doesn't, he needs to FaceTime his dad. Dad can see that you are in the car waiting to go. Maybe he will come to force the issue (in some jurisdictions police might be willing to come with him--this would be a real wakeup call to your DS). This is about communication between your ex DH and your son. Get yourself out of the middle of them.

Or a good way to destroy any chance at a heathy relationship.

[Anonymous]

This dad is reminding me of Beast yelling through the door at Belle to come down to dinner.

[Anonymous]

It reminds of that guy that posted here several months ago, mad that his daughter was on a dance team because Friday night practice interfered with his time.

Selfish non-custodial dads who view their visitation time as something they OWN, rather than looking at it as an opportunity to be a part of their kid's life.