Dating for 4 months and he said "not ready" for relationship- I walked away, now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he agree to call more or make more plans? Or just the 80% in?

OP: he said he didn't realize I was free the week after Christmas to do something and he should have asked (I definitely told him). He didn't agree to call but said, "if you want to talk on the phone sometime let me know- I'm not very proactive in that area."

He is lazy and this is him showing you his absolute best. You made the right decision to end it. 100%

+2 if you had stayed together, got married or whatever, he’d expect you to do 100% of everything all the time. You were right to move on when you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP wants 100% or nothing. Lower your expectations or remain single.

Disagree… I am the PP above who wrote that the guy is literal and unimaginative. I think you cannot be a romantic and be in a relationship with someone like this unless they are willing to go all in practically. You are never going to get some fantasy blah blahs to keep your heart pumping so the guy needs to want to at least be present, like a rock. Like a rock he will probably move slowly toward that. Anyway — I wrote above that OP will need to compromise, probably this guy will need to compromise and want to do things OP wants him to do even if in his practical, self sufficient way he sees it as totally unnecessary. Depends on how much he likes her. It is smart of her to tell him he can have all or nothing as a guy like this will continue on putting in what is minimum to maintain as long as he doesn’t see the necessity of changing.

Different poster here, agree with you. I am a woman and the unromantic one….I wouldn’t have thought to say I was “100% in” on someone because to me that seems like a proposal of marriage kind of commitment. I gather a lot of DCUM would think it means way less than that.

Luckily my DH, who is a romantic, fell partially in love with my no-nonsense practicality…but I too think that OP isn’t going to be happy with solid and dependable. It won’t be enough. In some ways it is too bad, because marriage is a long time and being solid and reliable is not a bad thing long term! But it’s not a fit for OP.

He is probably the type, like me, who sees movies where people more or less make love in a rainstorm, and all he can think about is that they are ruining their shoes. At least I am self-aware!

Eh you're projecting some aspie fantasy on this guy. OP said he wouldn't ever call her or make plans more than a couple of days in advance. This isn't some dependable, solid guy who's simply too literal for romantic OP. OP was the one just trying to settle on what their relationship actually is - she wants someone who will make some d**n plans with her in advance, and this guy's still hedging. I think he's just trying to have his cake and eat it too, OP correctly perceived that, and so she made the mature decision to get out of this relationship and find one that better suits her need for stability.

Eh, I don’t know about that. Many people don’t like talking on the phone. They did talk about going somewhere during the holidays…and that was still weeks away.

Being literal is not “aspie”, BTW, and that is not a term that empathetic people use.

I don’t think the guy is just looking for a quick lay if he has been seeing her 2-3 times a week for 4 months, but she blindsided him. Either way. Too much drama for me.

My spouse is an aspie and uses the word themselves so I will take their word over yours, thanks.

It's really not drama to ask for planning more than a couple of days ahead. It fits in with a whole pattern of not feeling secure. But sure - drama, be literal, you're great just not understanding EQ or whatever, and from that stance you judge OP to be wrong, of course, because OP is always wrong.

[Anonymous]

To answer your question of "now what?" - do whatever you want

[Anonymous]

OP, I read this whole thread and I agree that you made the right decision. This man wasn't building a future with you, and he tried to dismiss your concerns when you gave him a final chance. You're 100% right to listen to that voice in your gut that's telling you that he's just not that into you. You won't even have to wonder about this with the right guy.

Good for you for having the self respect to walk away. I hope you find someone wonderful who treats your right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I read this whole thread and I agree that you made the right decision. This man wasn't building a future with you, and he tried to dismiss your concerns when you gave him a final chance. You're 100% right to listen to that voice in your gut that's telling you that he's just not that into you. You won't even have to wonder about this with the right guy.

Good for you for having the self respect to walk away. I hope you find someone wonderful who treats your right.

OP: thank you! I appreciate that. I forgot to mention another red flag was that he was married for 3 years, and has been divorced now for 6 years and his longest relationship since then has only been 3 months. When I asked him about it, he said he just hadn't met the right person, but the relationship history makes more sense now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Update- we had coffee this afternoon.

He started off by saying that he was taken off guard by our conversation about the relationship, and wanted to know "what happened". He also said he wasn't clear on what exactly I wanted. I was surprised because I thought I was very clear and pleasant about it, but I said I know he has been a boyfriend before; did he only ever text his girlfriend? Did he only ever make plans 2-3 days in advance and nothing in the future? I said I wasn't comfortable continuing in this "situationship" indefinitely and wanted the structure of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship at this point in order to focus on one person and allow the connection to deepen.

The whole time he was acting like he was clueless (how is that possible?), and was giving off a vibe that he would reluctantly agree (which wasn't appealing). I said I wanted someone who was 100pct in with me, and he said he was "80 percent" there. I said I've shared my heart, mind- he knows me at this point. He said "80 percent is pretty close to 100 percent."

I said I didn't really have anything else to say and wished him well, and left. It hurts...but at least I have the clarity I need now.

Honestly, he probably wouldn't have made a great boyfriend anyway.

You did good, OP. Good job sticking to your boundaries and trusting your perception (he was not clueless).

[Anonymous]

OP, the “now what” is that you move on with your life, armed with the experience to drop noncompatable people even earlier in the process. This person might not be a bad guy, but he wasn’t the right guy for you. Now you have a clearer idea of who would be right for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I read this whole thread and I agree that you made the right decision. This man wasn't building a future with you, and he tried to dismiss your concerns when you gave him a final chance. You're 100% right to listen to that voice in your gut that's telling you that he's just not that into you. You won't even have to wonder about this with the right guy.

Good for you for having the self respect to walk away. I hope you find someone wonderful who treats your right.

OP: thank you! I appreciate that. I forgot to mention another red flag was that he was married for 3 years, and has been divorced now for 6 years and his longest relationship since then has only been 3 months. When I asked him about it, he said he just hadn't met the right person, but the relationship history makes more sense now.

PP you're responding to here. Yes, this info makes the case to leave him even stronger. I'm married with kids, but I've seen guys like this. They get married but somehow never make it to having kids, then they claim they need time since the divorce, then they just never seem to mature enough to relish the role of husband and father. The right guys may make an initial mistake in a bad marriage, but if they really want kids then they're extremely motivated to find the right person if they're already in their 40's. None of this casually dating without building a future together. You dodged a bullet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were you exclusive? What do you mean by committed - eventual marriage? Hear him out as you may be on the same page. Four months really isn't that long.

OP: We just recently became exclusive. By committed, I just mean acting like boyfriend/girlfriend in a "real" relationship- not just dating. I was clear that I wasn't asking for marriage or anything like that.

I would say that is not at all clear no matter what words you used. Besides, ultimatums always backfire. No one wants to be bullied into love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want what you want. Good for you for sticking to it. I don't think that 4 months is a long time, but it really depends on what has been happening for that four months. I would be interested in what a committed relationship means to him and what about it he feels unready for. I would do a lot of listening. The point is for you to get information to process, not convince him or explain yourself.

OP: Yes that makes sense. I'll go into it listening with an open mind. For the past 4 months we've been going out 2-3x/week. We spend the night at each other's places. He's met my friends.

That sounds like a relationship to me What are you asking him for that he is not into? As someone who divorced in my 40s there are so many possibilities
-he is being responsible about moving slow
-he's not that into you
-he is into you but also wants to see other people
-you are overly focused on BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP
-you know what you want and he is showing that he can't give you want you want

OP: he hasn't introduced me to his friends. He never texts, only calls me (and I've asked him to). He never plans anything in the future- only a few nights out.

That is odd...so you have dinner together and go home and have sex. You've hung out with your friends, but not his? That's interesting....

[Anonymous]

Op, you are entitled to a preference. Feeling that the relationship is not right, that's a preference. No explanation needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm still stuck on how the two of you are "exclusive" but not committed. Wtf is the difference? Semantics. This sounds exhausting. 4 months is long enough to know if you want someone to be your gf/bf. 1 month is long enough to know.

Exclusive: I will text you 3-4 times per week to take you to dinner and have sex, and not have sex with anyone else.

Committed: I really like you, and want to make plans with you outside of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm still stuck on how the two of you are "exclusive" but not committed. Wtf is the difference? Semantics. This sounds exhausting. 4 months is long enough to know if you want someone to be your gf/bf. 1 month is long enough to know.

Exclusive: I will text you 3-4 times per week to take you to dinner and have sex, and not have sex with anyone else.

Committed: I really like you, and want to make plans with you outside of that.

Yes, pretty much this.

[Anonymous]

Do you think 4 months is a long enough time to decide when there are kids involved? Maybe he didn't want to enter into a relationship if he wasn't sure what the future might look like if you stayed together and he was introduced to them?

[Anonymous]

OP: Update: he sent a text tonight that said, “I think we should give this another chance…”
How would you respond (if at all)?