Told brother to keep his girlfriend aka mistress at home for the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Grow up OP. Stop making his divorce about you.

People cheat. People divorce. People move on.

[Anonymous]

That’s fine. However, brace yourself to never see your brother again. His marriage didn’t affect you.

[Anonymous]

Just give them their scarlet letter and have dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are out of line.

+1

OP, you have NO idea what went on in your brother's marriage. None.

If your brother marries his GF and they have children, you are setting yourself up to be estranged from their family. Is that what you want?

Begin as you mean to go on.

It doesn't matter "what went on in her brother's marriage." If he wanted to sleep with/be with someone else and he was a married father, you get divorced FIRST. Period. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I think a lot of people are reacting to how you judge this woman you don't even know for one sin, dismissing her as "the side piece", when for all you know, she could be a far better human being than any of you.

Sure, you did not cheat on your husband. But you're very far from perfect, OP, and here you are showing a very petty and punitive side of yourself. Under pretext of "being on your ex-SIL's side" - which is meaningless, because a good person would be able to support her without creating all this drama - you appear to take pleasure in needling your brother, and calling his girlfriend names, and really prolonging the pain of the betrayal and separation. It's as if you WANT everyone to suffer as much as possible, by keeping them in that holding pattern forever. You are also making your ex-SIL and her children suffer, by not moving on diplomatically.

You are on no one's side. You just like the attention you're getting as moral arbiter. Please get down from your fake pedestal and start acting humanely.

Well, she's already proven she isn't, so lets move on from that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are out of line.

+1

OP, you have NO idea what went on in your brother's marriage. None.

If your brother marries his GF and they have children, you are setting yourself up to be estranged from their family. Is that what you want?

Begin as you mean to go on.

It doesn't matter "what went on in her brother's marriage." If he wanted to sleep with/be with someone else and he was a married father, you get divorced FIRST. Period. End of story.

Yes, ideally. But OP isn’t married to her brother. This is not her grudge to carry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just give them their scarlet letter and have dinner.

Not THEM. OP only wants the girlfriend branded with the scarlet A for adultery. At least she’s historically correct in her misogyny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting that OP has not yet indicated whether they are willing to lose their relationship with their brother...

OP here. I don't want to lose my relationship with my brother even if I have no respect for him. If he stops talking to me that will be his decision. My relationship with his children is my priority though. I've been thinking about this since I posted and it keeps being mentioned that I moved the goal post. I thought about telling him we are just not ready and to give us more time as was suggested. The more I think about it until his children accept his mistress I don't think she will ever be welcomed into the family. His children have sworn to never meet her and don't even acknowledge her. So this could be forever. To keep the peace I can tell him to give us more time but I don't think that is the answer since I came to this realization.

But, it's clearly causing you and the kids so much agony to be so mad at them both. You could also set an example for your nieces and nephews by engaging with them both in a respectful manner, which could very well positively influence them. Forgiveness is hard, but it is the work of our very short lifetimes. Have you considered your brother is happier now? We never know what goes on in a relationship, and while you may condone the cheating, people make all kinds of mistakes all the time.

If you want my credentials, DH and his sibs never turned on their dad and the woman he left their mom for (though they were younger, in elementary school). While they made a very bad decision, I also know my MIL was very unhappy in the marriage pre-affair and has her own issues. DH's dad and his "mistress" went to have a much longer marriage - by several decades. He died more than 15 years ago and she still sends our kids money for every single holiday. Sometimes I think it's guilt money because it's always been a lot, but everyone has tried to make the best of the situation. My own parents divorced when we were young, and it didn't involve infidelity, but it was clear they were much better apart.

[Anonymous]

OP I am opposed to cheating however I think you are wrong. You were not in their marriage. Your brother was not happy and he may not have made the best decision but he messed up. He is human, we are not perfect, we make mistakes. It says something that he is still with this woman. Obviously that relationship is important to him, important enough to divorce over. However none of that is your business. It really isn't.

He is your brother, you either want a relationship or you don't. You sound judgemental. You should not be the gatekeeper into your family. Every person has a place there. Your brother has a place there and its ok for him to bring his girlfriend to Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately you will be so horrible and cold to her, that your brother and GF will come to see that the relationship is broken. It may mean you and the whole family see less of him as a result of that. I mean you aren't exactly accepting of him.

You can live with hate in your heart or kindness. One will make you bitter in old age and one will give you a kind and loving life. You have chosen hate and personally I find that really sad. You will choose to make your holidays cold and uninviting than bring warmth into your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just give them their scarlet letter and have dinner.

Not THEM. OP only wants the girlfriend branded with the scarlet A for adultery. At least she’s historically correct in her misogyny.

Meh when they get engaged then its a serious relationship. Why should the sister indulge this fantasy and the side piece is going to gef her happily ever after? She will be cheated on next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am opposed to cheating however I think you are wrong. You were not in their marriage. Your brother was not happy and he may not have made the best decision but he messed up. He is human, we are not perfect, we make mistakes. It says something that he is still with this woman. Obviously that relationship is important to him, important enough to divorce over. However none of that is your business. It really isn't.

He is your brother, you either want a relationship or you don't. You sound judgemental. You should not be the gatekeeper into your family. Every person has a place there. Your brother has a place there and its ok for him to bring his girlfriend to Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately you will be so horrible and cold to her, that your brother and GF will come to see that the relationship is broken. It may mean you and the whole family see less of him as a result of that. I mean you aren't exactly accepting of him.

You can live with hate in your heart or kindness. One will make you bitter in old age and one will give you a kind and loving life. You have chosen hate and personally I find that really sad. You will choose to make your holidays cold and uninviting than bring warmth into your family.

Not everyone gets invited to everything. Isn’t that the mantra on dcum? If its ok to exclude children from
Parties then GF can put her big girl pants on and deal. Why can’t they see her family on Thanksgiving?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, absolutely ok to not invite this woman to your home for holidays. Your brother can turn down the invitation or accept it for himself.

I would suggest that you have open arms for your nieces and nephews and also be cordial to ex-SIL. I did the same with mine and my brother went ahead and married the AP. After 5 years, she dumped him. He is back as a single guy in our lives. We kept the niece and nephew in our life and also remained friendly with ex-SIL. Of course, my ex-SIL will never ever get together with my loser brother again, but, we have been able to smooth out the relationship between my brother and his kids to some extent.

Be consistent. Remain in the side of the righteous. The kids are watching and they will keep in touch with the relatives if they don't think that the relatives screwed their mom and sided with their adulturous dad.

You can be righteous, or you can be compassionate and loving. Not both. The former is so toxic for you. (Please tell me you're not a Christian.)

OK, be compassionate and loving and invite your brother. Be compassionate and loving to your nephews and nieces and do not let the whore come to your house. My cross is visible now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, absolutely ok to not invite this woman to your home for holidays. Your brother can turn down the invitation or accept it for himself.

I would suggest that you have open arms for your nieces and nephews and also be cordial to ex-SIL. I did the same with mine and my brother went ahead and married the AP. After 5 years, she dumped him. He is back as a single guy in our lives. We kept the niece and nephew in our life and also remained friendly with ex-SIL. Of course, my ex-SIL will never ever get together with my loser brother again, but, we have been able to smooth out the relationship between my brother and his kids to some extent.

Be consistent. Remain in the side of the righteous. The kids are watching and they will keep in touch with the relatives if they don't think that the relatives screwed their mom and sided with their adulturous dad.

You can be righteous, or you can be compassionate and loving. Not both. The former is so toxic for you. (Please tell me you're not a Christian.)

OK, be compassionate and loving and invite your brother. Be compassionate and loving to your nephews and nieces and do not let the whore come to your house. My cross is visible now?

The whore is her brother if you are name calling.

[Anonymous]

OMG, how is there already 14 pages for this! And I missed it. I saw it earlier before a meeting and knew it was going to be a good one.

Anyway, treating "the mistress" like this and not also treating your brother in the same manner is sexist. It takes two to cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, how is there already 14 pages for this! And I missed it. I saw it earlier before a meeting and knew it was going to be a good one.

Anyway, treating "the mistress" like this and not also treating your brother in the same manner is sexist. It takes two to cheat.

But one is her brother and the other is a stranger. Are you having any strangers at your thanksgiving table? Do we know her vaccine status? This is not the year. Keep is a small family only event.