Told brother to keep his girlfriend aka mistress at home for the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am opposed to cheating however I think you are wrong. You were not in their marriage. Your brother was not happy and he may not have made the best decision but he messed up. He is human, we are not perfect, we make mistakes. It says something that he is still with this woman. Obviously that relationship is important to him, important enough to divorce over. However none of that is your business. It really isn't.

He is your brother, you either want a relationship or you don't. You sound judgemental. You should not be the gatekeeper into your family. Every person has a place there. Your brother has a place there and its ok for him to bring his girlfriend to Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately you will be so horrible and cold to her, that your brother and GF will come to see that the relationship is broken. It may mean you and the whole family see less of him as a result of that. I mean you aren't exactly accepting of him.

You can live with hate in your heart or kindness. One will make you bitter in old age and one will give you a kind and loving life. You have chosen hate and personally I find that really sad. You will choose to make your holidays cold and uninviting than bring warmth into your family.

Not everyone gets invited to everything. Isn’t that the mantra on dcum? If its ok to exclude children from
Parties then GF can put her big girl pants on and deal. Why can’t they see her family on Thanksgiving?

I think excluding people in families leads to dysfunctional relationships. If the brother plans on moving forward with this woman, would they possibly have kids together (?) then excluding her at family engagements may lead to years of heartache. Possibly at this stage just being a girlfriend maybe they should just have the holidays with her family. That would probably be easier. It may also be the start of breaking away from OP's family because yes, its easier.

It just isn't productive to take sides. OP can still support the ex-SIL and have a relationship with her. The family can still support the nieces and nephews whilst having a relationship with the brother. Who knows what the future holds for the brother and the GF however who would want to be in this extremely judgemental family, they sound cold and unforgiving. You couldn't make any mistake with your life otherwise you would be sure you are on your own.

The arrogance of OP is outstanding. She judges her brother and his GF so harshly, so incredibly harshly but what does it say about her that she would so easily turn her back on her family and create divide and drama around them by excluding them. How does that help the niece and nephew. What it teaches the niece and nephew is that if they screw up, the paternal side of the family will disown them. That's what it is showing them, that love is conditional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am opposed to cheating however I think you are wrong. You were not in their marriage. Your brother was not happy and he may not have made the best decision but he messed up. He is human, we are not perfect, we make mistakes. It says something that he is still with this woman. Obviously that relationship is important to him, important enough to divorce over. However none of that is your business. It really isn't.

He is your brother, you either want a relationship or you don't. You sound judgemental. You should not be the gatekeeper into your family. Every person has a place there. Your brother has a place there and its ok for him to bring his girlfriend to Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately you will be so horrible and cold to her, that your brother and GF will come to see that the relationship is broken. It may mean you and the whole family see less of him as a result of that. I mean you aren't exactly accepting of him.

You can live with hate in your heart or kindness. One will make you bitter in old age and one will give you a kind and loving life. You have chosen hate and personally I find that really sad. You will choose to make your holidays cold and uninviting than bring warmth into your family.

Not everyone gets invited to everything. Isn’t that the mantra on dcum? If its ok to exclude children from
Parties then GF can put her big girl pants on and deal. Why can’t they see her family on Thanksgiving?

I think excluding people in families leads to dysfunctional relationships. If the brother plans on moving forward with this woman, would they possibly have kids together (?) then excluding her at family engagements may lead to years of heartache. Possibly at this stage just being a girlfriend maybe they should just have the holidays with her family. That would probably be easier. It may also be the start of breaking away from OP's family because yes, its easier.

It just isn't productive to take sides. OP can still support the ex-SIL and have a relationship with her. The family can still support the nieces and nephews whilst having a relationship with the brother. Who knows what the future holds for the brother and the GF however who would want to be in this extremely judgemental family, they sound cold and unforgiving. You couldn't make any mistake with your life otherwise you would be sure you are on your own.

The arrogance of OP is outstanding. She judges her brother and his GF so harshly, so incredibly harshly but what does it say about her that she would so easily turn her back on her family and create divide and drama around them by excluding them. How does that help the niece and nephew. What it teaches the niece and nephew is that if they screw up, the paternal side of the family will disown them. That's what it is showing them, that love is conditional.

So go see her family this year. You are jumping the gun in how successful this relationship will be. Is a guy who just divorced really thinking about marriage and kids after the disaster he just created? He sounds like a trainwreck. His kids can’t stand him, his sister and mother are fed up. The gf should keep her eyes wide open and not be thinking about kids with this dead beat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am opposed to cheating however I think you are wrong. You were not in their marriage. Your brother was not happy and he may not have made the best decision but he messed up. He is human, we are not perfect, we make mistakes. It says something that he is still with this woman. Obviously that relationship is important to him, important enough to divorce over. However none of that is your business. It really isn't.

He is your brother, you either want a relationship or you don't. You sound judgemental. You should not be the gatekeeper into your family. Every person has a place there. Your brother has a place there and its ok for him to bring his girlfriend to Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately you will be so horrible and cold to her, that your brother and GF will come to see that the relationship is broken. It may mean you and the whole family see less of him as a result of that. I mean you aren't exactly accepting of him.

You can live with hate in your heart or kindness. One will make you bitter in old age and one will give you a kind and loving life. You have chosen hate and personally I find that really sad. You will choose to make your holidays cold and uninviting than bring warmth into your family.

Not everyone gets invited to everything. Isn’t that the mantra on dcum? If its ok to exclude children from
Parties then GF can put her big girl pants on and deal. Why can’t they see her family on Thanksgiving?

I think excluding people in families leads to dysfunctional relationships. If the brother plans on moving forward with this woman, would they possibly have kids together (?) then excluding her at family engagements may lead to years of heartache. Possibly at this stage just being a girlfriend maybe they should just have the holidays with her family. That would probably be easier. It may also be the start of breaking away from OP's family because yes, its easier.

It just isn't productive to take sides. OP can still support the ex-SIL and have a relationship with her. The family can still support the nieces and nephews whilst having a relationship with the brother. Who knows what the future holds for the brother and the GF however who would want to be in this extremely judgemental family, they sound cold and unforgiving. You couldn't make any mistake with your life otherwise you would be sure you are on your own.

The arrogance of OP is outstanding. She judges her brother and his GF so harshly, so incredibly harshly but what does it say about her that she would so easily turn her back on her family and create divide and drama around them by excluding them. How does that help the niece and nephew. What it teaches the niece and nephew is that if they screw up, the paternal side of the family will disown them. That's what it is showing them, that love is conditional.

So go see her family this year. You are jumping the gun in how successful this relationship will be. Is a guy who just divorced really thinking about marriage and kids after the disaster he just created? He sounds like a trainwreck. His kids can’t stand him, his sister and mother are fed up. The gf should keep her eyes wide open and not be thinking about kids with this dead beat.

I am jumping the gun but this isn't the first holiday's they have been together. OP said he had to be divorced first. So it appears the relationship has been going for a while so far.

I also remember a post exactly like this one last year around the holidays. Its not like this is the first year of being together and they want to come. They were excluded before and were told once he was divorced it would be different. He is now divorced and OP is still frothing at the mouth like it was her cheated on.

At some point, OP has to get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, how is there already 14 pages for this! And I missed it. I saw it earlier before a meeting and knew it was going to be a good one.

Anyway, treating "the mistress" like this and not also treating your brother in the same manner is sexist. It takes two to cheat.

But one is her brother and the other is a stranger. Are you having any strangers at your thanksgiving table? Do we know her vaccine status? This is not the year. Keep is a small family only event.

NP. Anyone invited can bring a date at our house. We don’t check vaccine card or whore cards. My adult niece and nephews bring who they are dating. My siblings when they were dating always brought whomever. We don’t have a long term relationship waiting period.

In fact, my SIL has cheated on my brother. He took her back, after filing for divorce and splitting up for a year. It’s not my relationship to police. She’s not my friend, but she is still at family functions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting that OP has not yet indicated whether they are willing to lose their relationship with their brother...

OP here. I don't want to lose my relationship with my brother even if I have no respect for him. If he stops talking to me that will be his decision. My relationship with his children is my priority though. I've been thinking about this since I posted and it keeps being mentioned that I moved the goal post. I thought about telling him we are just not ready and to give us more time as was suggested. The more I think about it until his children accept his mistress I don't think she will ever be welcomed into the family. His children have sworn to never meet her and don't even acknowledge her. So this could be forever. To keep the peace I can tell him to give us more time but I don't think that is the answer since I came to this realization.

You are using his children to hold the grudge you want to hold in order to make yourself feel better about it.

[Anonymous]

In my family, we would let her come and be faultlessly civil to her-particularly in front of the brother-but in that frosty way that lets her know that we are just being polite for the sake of keeping up appearances, and then would ruthlessly talk about her behind her back and never warm up to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think a lot of people are reacting to how you judge this woman you don't even know for one sin, dismissing her as "the side piece", when for all you know, she could be a far better human being than any of you.

Sure, you did not cheat on your husband. But you're very far from perfect, OP, and here you are showing a very petty and punitive side of yourself. Under pretext of "being on your ex-SIL's side" - which is meaningless, because a good person would be able to support her without creating all this drama - you appear to take pleasure in needling your brother, and calling his girlfriend names, and really prolonging the pain of the betrayal and separation. It's as if you WANT everyone to suffer as much as possible, by keeping them in that holding pattern forever. You are also making your ex-SIL and her children suffer, by not moving on diplomatically.

You are on no one's side. You just like the attention you're getting as moral arbiter. Please get down from your fake pedestal and start acting humanely.

100% all of this. From someone who has first-hand knowledge of a family and marriage breaking up, it's not about you. you are not helping. just stop. And I would not want my sil doing this " on my behalf" Call me . Meetu up for coffe or lunch, come visit the kids etc, but don't engage in petty stuff tha will make my life more difficult.
The last thing I need is an ex blaming me for trying to alienate him and the kids from the family, how do you think that will play out for me?

The kids are grown and cut him off on their own. That should tell you something.

If they are grown all the more reason for OP not to interfere. The only thing it tells me is that the kids are young and probably shortsighted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need to know if I am out of line here. My brother left his now ex wife for another woman. In our family we refer to her as the mistress or side piece. We are still very fond of SIL and have stayed in touch and maintained a friendship.

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

I am hosting TG this year and mom is hosting Christmas. We told bro she is not invited and to leave her at home. I was kind of condescending when I told him. He said she is his girlfriend and we have no business banning her from family events. He says his kids barely speak to him and have refused to meet her and he has no choice but to accept their stance but we should be more supportive since we are his family.

I don't think a family holiday is an appropriate venue to meet her. There would be a tension there. Bro is lucky he is still invited to family events. Are we in the wrong for not letting her attend since he is now divorced and his official GF. *gag*

So, you lied. Why is the GF the only one at fault here? I can't believe she'd WANT to meet any of you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need to know if I am out of line here. My brother left his now ex wife for another woman. In our family we refer to her as the mistress or side piece. We are still very fond of SIL and have stayed in touch and maintained a friendship.

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

I am hosting TG this year and mom is hosting Christmas. We told bro she is not invited and to leave her at home. I was kind of condescending when I told him. He said she is his girlfriend and we have no business banning her from family events. He says his kids barely speak to him and have refused to meet her and he has no choice but to accept their stance but we should be more supportive since we are his family.

I don't think a family holiday is an appropriate venue to meet her. There would be a tension there. Bro is lucky he is still invited to family events. Are we in the wrong for not letting her attend since he is now divorced and his official GF. *gag*

So, you lied. Why is the GF the only one at fault here? I can't believe she'd WANT to meet any of you

Then she won't be offended having to come up with other plans. Maybe she should finally show some class and respect her boyfriend's family wishes. That's not really asking too much. Does she not want a healthy relationship with her potential future in-laws? This is a two way street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are related to him not to her. That is why he is still invited to family events. His kids live with his ex wife. They are older and have their own cars. We don't have to deal with my brother to maintain a relationship with them.

Wow.

There is no way I am cutting a sibling out of my life because he left his wife. I have never cheated, and I will never cheat. However, I am not losing one of my beloved siblings because he/she left his spouse for another person. They would have to murder someone in cold bold for me to give up on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you willing to lose your relationship with your brother over this? Because that is where this line of thinking leads.

This. I love my two siblings too much to choose their former spouse over them or hold a grudge, especially over a choice I may not agree with but does not direct affect me. Family is family. My siblings have been there from the beginning and we'll be there for each other until the end.

^^^+2.

And then hope you don’t do anything your family disapproves of, lest you get tossed out of the fold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you willing to lose your relationship with your brother over this? Because that is where this line of thinking leads.

This. I love my two siblings too much to choose their former spouse over them or hold a grudge, especially over a choice I may not agree with but does not direct affect me. Family is family. My siblings have been there from the beginning and we'll be there for each other until the end.

^^^+2.

And then hope you don’t do anything your family disapproves of, lest you get tossed out of the fold.

Like hold different political beliefs? That’s more than enough for many families.

[Anonymous]

OP, do come back and let us know what your brother decides! Inquiring minds want to know after 15 pages of discussion! ; )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my family, we would let her come and be faultlessly civil to her-particularly in front of the brother-but in that frosty way that lets her know that we are just being polite for the sake of keeping up appearances, and then would ruthlessly talk about her behind her back and never warm up to her.

So it’s not OK to deliberately and knowingly hurt someone by cheating on them, or by having an affair with someone you know is married, but it IS OK to hurt someone by allowing them into your house or spending time with them, but then being frosty and gossiping?

If you are a Christian or follow a religious tradition, how do you reconcile that with the teachings of your faith, or the example of Christ or the founder of your faith?

[Anonymous]

This isn't about supporting the ex-wife, or about anyone else. It's about punishing.

The holidays aren't about punishing the right people, OP. That's not the point.