Told brother to keep his girlfriend aka mistress at home for the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another sister in her brother's business and up his arse. Leave him be. Don't even invite him if you can't be civil to his girlfriend. (Sorry, babe; she's not a "mistress" or a "side piece" anymore. He is divorced and he has a girlfriend.)

Get a life, honestly. What is with you women who sniff around your brother's business all the time? And yes, I have a brother.

If it's an event at her house, it's her business. Outside of that, leave him alone.

Which is why I said “don’t even invite him if you can’t be civil to his girlfriend,” dummy.

She invited her brother but not a plus one. So he can just decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think a lot of people are reacting to how you judge this woman you don't even know for one sin, dismissing her as "the side piece", when for all you know, she could be a far better human being than any of you.

Sure, you did not cheat on your husband. But you're very far from perfect, OP, and here you are showing a very petty and punitive side of yourself. Under pretext of "being on your ex-SIL's side" - which is meaningless, because a good person would be able to support her without creating all this drama - you appear to take pleasure in needling your brother, and calling his girlfriend names, and really prolonging the pain of the betrayal and separation. It's as if you WANT everyone to suffer as much as possible, by keeping them in that holding pattern forever. You are also making your ex-SIL and her children suffer, by not moving on diplomatically.

You are on no one's side. You just like the attention you're getting as moral arbiter. Please get down from your fake pedestal and start acting humanely.

100% all of this. From someone who has first-hand knowledge of a family and marriage breaking up, it's not about you. you are not helping. just stop. And I would not want my sil doing this " on my behalf" Call me . Meetu up for coffe or lunch, come visit the kids etc, but don't engage in petty stuff tha will make my life more difficult.
The last thing I need is an ex blaming me for trying to alienate him and the kids from the family, how do you think that will play out for me?

The kids are grown and cut him off on their own. That should tell you something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I don't think a family holiday is an appropriate venue to meet her. " The divorce has been final a few months now. You originally said she was not welcome until the divorce was final. You admit you refuse to meet her.


SHE WAS NOT MARRIED TO SIL! She did not break the vows. She did not bust up the family. Your brother is the one who messed up (like so many do) yet he is welcome?

Oh, please. She knowingly and repeatedly screwed a married man who had children. She's trash and neither OP nor her mother are in any way or at any time required to allow her Iinto their homes or their family gatherings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound awful. I hope your brother disowns you all. You deserve it.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think you are out of line.

+1

OP, you have NO idea what went on in your brother's marriage. None.

If your brother marries his GF and they have children, you are setting yourself up to be estranged from their family. Is that what you want?

Begin as you mean to go on.

I don't get the "it's now or never" type of attitude. OP or anyone else can take their damn time making their decision about when/if to get to know this new person. Just because they don't want to meet a new person at major family holidays doesn't mean never.

Soooo many cheating spouses take this attitude with family: ok, I did it, but now you forgive me and move on and I demand you accept it all...NOW! Sounds like a 2 year old.

That's all fine and good but then the family has to understand that they are cutting their nose off to spite their face. Would they rather be right or have a relationship with their family member? Chances are if someone is serious with someone it is assumed that they will want to spend the holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving together so if they tell their family member they can't come chances are their family member is going to put their SO first and choose not to attend. So when this happens the family is really the only one losing out because they risk taking the chance of not seeing their family member at all. So which is it would they rather see their family member with the SO they don't like or not see their family member at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are 1000% wrong, OP. And I promise you this…you will regret your behavior. The ex wife will move on. She’ll have a new husband. Maybe more kids. And she will slowly pull away from your family. Your connection to the kids will be through your brother. I’ve seen this play out too many times. Also, you have NO idea what really happened in that marriage.

You should invite your brother and his girlfriend. It doesn’t need to be awkward. Just be kind.

The kids drive and have cars, so are at least 16. No need to be held hostage to the brother and his floozy "to maintain access to.the kids." They are nearly adults and Dear Cheating Dad won't control who they see. Frankly, if I were the kids, I'd side with the extended family who wanted me to be able to have family Thanksgiving and Christmas together without being subjected to my father's mistress.

[Anonymous]

OP, absolutely ok to not invite this woman to your home for holidays. Your brother can turn down the invitation or accept it for himself.

I would suggest that you have open arms for your nieces and nephews and also be cordial to ex-SIL. I did the same with mine and my brother went ahead and married the AP. After 5 years, she dumped him. He is back as a single guy in our lives. We kept the niece and nephew in our life and also remained friendly with ex-SIL. Of course, my ex-SIL will never ever get together with my loser brother again, but, we have been able to smooth out the relationship between my brother and his kids to some extent.

Be consistent. Remain in the side of the righteous. The kids are watching and they will keep in touch with the relatives if they don't think that the relatives screwed their mom and sided with their adulturous dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Oh well. She should have thought about that before pursuing a married man and breaking up his marriage. Now she wants a clean slate? Why does she think she would be welcomed with open arms? I wouldn't want her at my house either. Maybe at some point down the road, but not holidays, something more low key.

And he was an innocent bystander here?

Exactly. Let’s make the AP the one who gets blamed for the affair. Not the one who actually took the vows.
OP - I think it’s best you don’t invite your brother at all. The affair was his fault. He broke his vows. You should ban him form all future family holiday events, only to low key events. After all, he is a home wrecker. Wouldn’t want that in your home at the holidays. It might spread.

Let me get this straight. You play a role in breaking up a family and then you expect the extended family to welcome you with open arms? What kind of family would that be to be so disloyal to their beloved ex-sister in law?

And to the kids! FFS. These responses are asinine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you treating the GF that way, but not your brother? They were equal partners in the end of your brother's marriage. It seems misogynistic to hold the whole thing against the female in the relationship.

This EXACTLY!

Good lord what is wrong with you all?

I hope your brother's girlfriend doesn't ever have to be in the same room as you a-holes for her own sake. May she live a long and beautiful life.

Hi Other Woman!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, absolutely ok to not invite this woman to your home for holidays. Your brother can turn down the invitation or accept it for himself.

I would suggest that you have open arms for your nieces and nephews and also be cordial to ex-SIL. I did the same with mine and my brother went ahead and married the AP. After 5 years, she dumped him. He is back as a single guy in our lives. We kept the niece and nephew in our life and also remained friendly with ex-SIL. Of course, my ex-SIL will never ever get together with my loser brother again, but, we have been able to smooth out the relationship between my brother and his kids to some extent.

Be consistent. Remain in the side of the righteous. The kids are watching and they will keep in touch with the relatives if they don't think that the relatives screwed their mom and sided with their adulturous dad.

You can be righteous, or you can be compassionate and loving. Not both. The former is so toxic for you. (Please tell me you're not a Christian.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But what happens if girlfriend gets married and has kids with him? I think you’re in the wrong. I also think you have no place ever talking to your ex SIL ever again. You need to choose your brothers side. I loved my BIL but when they got divorced we never contacted him.

Wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting that OP has not yet indicated whether they are willing to lose their relationship with their brother...

OP here. I don't want to lose my relationship with my brother even if I have no respect for him. If he stops talking to me that will be his decision. My relationship with his children is my priority though. I've been thinking about this since I posted and it keeps being mentioned that I moved the goal post. I thought about telling him we are just not ready and to give us more time as was suggested. The more I think about it until his children accept his mistress I don't think she will ever be welcomed into the family. His children have sworn to never meet her and don't even acknowledge her. So this could be forever. To keep the peace I can tell him to give us more time but I don't think that is the answer since I came to this realization.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:She is just his GF, official nor not. She's not his wife nor fiancee. She could be gone tomorrow.

He made his choice, and now he has to face the consequences from his family (she's not invited to family event).

You made your choice of not inviting her. Prepare to face your consequence from him.

You're not wrong, OP. Stand your ground.

She is wrong. She stated in her original post:

We always took the stance the mistress was not welcome at family functions until after his divorce was final. His divorce has been final since early summer but we still don't want the mistress around and have refused to meet her.

OP moved the line she had drawn. Probably hoped the AP would go away, but didn’t.
For the divorce to be final, well over a year has passed since he left his wife. OP needs to get over it. It wasn’t her marriage.

She can change her mind if she isn't ready. Let me guess, you're the other woman and feel there is nothing wrong with your behavior?

Love how anyone that supports the brother is automatically categorized as the OW.
I have a brother that has messed up plenty in his life, including an affair. I disagree with his actions, but at the end of the day he is and always will be my brother. I can’t imagine purposely not inviting his GF as a way to punish him for his affair. Childish and petty.

If brother's kids don't support the relationship, as an aunt, I would have their back first and foremost. Kids come first in this situation. Everyone else has to deal with the repercussions. Including brother and his girlfriend.

But the kids are not going to be there. Their relationship with their dad between them. Not for aunts and uncles to take sides and inject themselves into it. That only creates more drama and tension.

If you are bringing your side piece to my home, then it is my concern. I'm not 'injecting' myself into anything. The brother is the drama queen here.

The AP is now GF. It’s been over a year. How long does the grudge go on?

As long as it takes. Do you tell people experiencing grief to get over it, they've grieved enough? A year is not a long time.

For those actually impacted, yes, it can take time. But for those offended on behalf of others, it’s past time to move on.

An extended family is not impacted? You have some strange views on this. I wonder why.

I wonder why your so invested with the exwife. Do you fear your husband may leave you?
My parents divorced when I was a teenager. I didn’t speak to my dad for a year. Eventually I got over it. Ultimately, my sister looked up to AP as role model. I never did, but she was a good woman that stuck with my dad until he died.
You know what didn’t help? Aunts and uncles taking sides. It wasn’t their home that was destroyed. They had no idea what actually happened, but they felt a need to take sides.

I would resent my brother dictating who he can bring to my house. I currently like his wife more than him so the choice would be easy for me.

I would resent family not accepting my choices. They don’t have to like my choices, but they need to accept them.

You can do whatever the hell you want, but they don't have to allow your crappy choice into their homes or their holidays. It's called "consequences for your actions."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you treating the GF that way, but not your brother? They were equal partners in the end of your brother's marriage. It seems misogynistic to hold the whole thing against the female in the relationship.

THIS! You owe her an apology and invites to Thanksgiving and Christmas. It takes two. Either blame them both or accept them both. You sound horrible.

HAHAHA. Aaaaaabsolutely not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think a lot of people are reacting to how you judge this woman you don't even know for one sin, dismissing her as "the side piece", when for all you know, she could be a far better human being than any of you.

Sure, you did not cheat on your husband. But you're very far from perfect, OP, and here you are showing a very petty and punitive side of yourself. Under pretext of "being on your ex-SIL's side" - which is meaningless, because a good person would be able to support her without creating all this drama - you appear to take pleasure in needling your brother, and calling his girlfriend names, and really prolonging the pain of the betrayal and separation. It's as if you WANT everyone to suffer as much as possible, by keeping them in that holding pattern forever. You are also making your ex-SIL and her children suffer, by not moving on diplomatically.

You are on no one's side. You just like the attention you're getting as moral arbiter. Please get down from your fake pedestal and start acting humanely.

100% all of this. From someone who has first-hand knowledge of a family and marriage breaking up, it's not about you. you are not helping. just stop. And I would not want my sil doing this " on my behalf" Call me . Meetu up for coffe or lunch, come visit the kids etc, but don't engage in petty stuff tha will make my life more difficult.
The last thing I need is an ex blaming me for trying to alienate him and the kids from the family, how do you think that will play out for me?

The kids are grown and cut him off on their own. That should tell you something.

It doesn’t matter. He is not your dad, he’s your brother.

Time for you to get over it.