Friends being cagey about plans. How would you react?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you had my sympathy. But you’ve just ensured that next get together—if there is another one—is going to be really awkward.

awkward was the friends being cagey about their ‘business’ Awkward is not having everything out in the open. You can’t have it both ways, it’s either rude not to invite her, or rude to talk about it to the uninvited friend, but it can’t be both. It’s either not a big deal, or it is. No one should be covering anything up if everything is above board.

But if the cagey friends are the ones who made it awkward, she should be texting them, not the birthday girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you had my sympathy. But you’ve just ensured that next get together—if there is another one—is going to be really awkward.

awkward was the friends being cagey about their ‘business’ Awkward is not having everything out in the open. You can’t have it both ways, it’s either rude not to invite her, or rude to talk about it to the uninvited friend, but it can’t be both. It’s either not a big deal, or it is. No one should be covering anything up if everything is above board.

But if the cagey friends are the ones who made it awkward, she should be texting them, not the birthday girl.

OP made it awkward. OP is awkward, as evidenced in her clumsy, awful text.

[Anonymous]

There was nothing passive aggressive about the text at all. It was very forward, actually. You might think too forward, if you are the sort of person who prefers to let stuff like this stay under the surface. Not even saying you're wrong, but it's weird to argue that the problem with it is that it's "passive aggressive". Passive aggressive would be if OP did as one PP suggested and had a party but invited everyone in the group except the birthday woman. Or if she started just subtly snubbing the birthday woman when they were altogether. That would be much more obnoxious, if you ask me.

Look, the second OP found out about the party and felt bad, this became an issue. You can say "oh well you should not have felt bad", but that's not how feelings work. You can say "you should get over it" but that's also not how feelings work, at least not right away. You can argue that OP should leave it alone, and that's valid, but it's ultimately up to OP to decide how she wants to handle, and she did. There's nothing immature about any of this. There are a wide range of respectable ways to handle awkward social situations. OP has been polite and thoughtful. You can't really ask much more of people. Lots and lots of adults don't even meet that standard.

What I think is immature is the expectation that everyone sees this situation the way you do, and that people will make choices based on what you want or think is right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you had my sympathy. But you’ve just ensured that next get together—if there is another one—is going to be really awkward.

awkward was the friends being cagey about their ‘business’ Awkward is not having everything out in the open. You can’t have it both ways, it’s either rude not to invite her, or rude to talk about it to the uninvited friend, but it can’t be both. It’s either not a big deal, or it is. No one should be covering anything up if everything is above board.

But if the cagey friends are the ones who made it awkward, she should be texting them, not the birthday girl.

OP made it awkward. OP is awkward, as evidenced in her clumsy, awful text.

Well, yes, clearly. I was just responding directly to the PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you had my sympathy. But you’ve just ensured that next get together—if there is another one—is going to be really awkward.

awkward was the friends being cagey about their ‘business’ Awkward is not having everything out in the open. You can’t have it both ways, it’s either rude not to invite her, or rude to talk about it to the uninvited friend, but it can’t be both. It’s either not a big deal, or it is. No one should be covering anything up if everything is above board.

But if the cagey friends are the ones who made it awkward, she should be texting them, not the birthday girl.

OP made it awkward. OP is awkward, as evidenced in her clumsy, awful text.

Well, yes, clearly. I was just responding directly to the PP.

Doesn’t the OP have a good friend In this group who she can reach out to and ask what the issue was?

[Anonymous]

Now I'm more interested in how the three in the middle act. It's an interesting gambit to put things on the table directly. The problem is you can't control how the birthday girl will describe this to the others, and she will. Which adds another dynamic. OP didn't involve them. Will the birthday girl? Which one will respond first?

[Anonymous]

I am now super interested in the response to the text.

[Anonymous]

This is why you need to teach your kids early that you will not (and should not) be invited to everything.

OP - do you talk/text/interact with this woman on a regular basis individually?

[Anonymous]

I am so anxious to hear her response. OP please update when you can. I commend you for being brave enough to confront this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so anxious to hear her response. OP please update when you can. I commend you for being brave enough to confront this.

My bet is that she won't respond but will say something to the othwr friends, one of whom will reach out in some roundabout way. There's always a peacemaker in every group.

[Anonymous]

This is why people need to invest in other friendships outside of a clique. I know way too many people who spend all their free time with the same group of neighbors or whatnot only to be hurt and devastated once the group deteriorates or when someone moves, etc.

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP and just heard back:

This is one of tbe more refreshing texts I have received in my adult life. I apologize that you were hurt and now can see why you were. A friend planned the party for me, I gave her a guest list, and because we only see each other mainly in a larger group I didn't even think to invite you--and it only now when you texted occurred to me that everyone else in our grouo was invited. Stupid me. Please know this was not personal, just a function of us needing to hang out more. Would you like to grab coffee next week?

I feel RELIEF that I was direct.

And I am not in Dc area any longer so feel posiitve she is not on dcum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and just heard back:

This is one of tbe more refreshing texts I have received in my adult life. I apologize that you were hurt and now can see why you were. A friend planned the party for me, I gave her a guest list, and because we only see each other mainly in a larger group I didn't even think to invite you--and it only now when you texted occurred to me that everyone else in our grouo was invited. Stupid me. Please know this was not personal, just a function of us needing to hang out more. Would you like to grab coffee next week?

I feel RELIEF that I was direct.

And I am not in Dc area any longer so feel posiitve she is not on dcum

Love this. Good for you for speaking up, not letting this fester, and also keeping it relatively light. Relief is right!

Communication and being mature ftw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a social group with four other couples. The men hang out regularly, as do the women, and sometimes in a group. However, there's one woman out of the group with whom I'm not especially close, but we get along well when we see each other in these larger settings.

Last weekend, I asked these friends to hang out and everyone was busy but didn't say doing what.

Then my husband saw the guy "group" last night, and men being men and having no clue about social stuff, were open about the fun their wives had at this woman's birthday party. I guess she had a dinner at an outdoor restaurant and invited every woman in the group except me (and a few other women outside this group came too).

I am really pretty hurt. I'm inclusive and friendly. Would it have killed her to invite me? It just feels like a weird slight, especially as I include her in every group thing, and we all hang out as couples as well.

What would you think and how would you feel? I cannot tell if I'm being babyish or if I'm right to feel miffed.

You already said you were not especially close. She did not feel close enough to invite you to her birthday celebration and you don’t have to invite her to your birthday celebration. You have friends outside of the group, the other women in the group have friends that are not friends with you. Please remember that when you become friends with people you don’t OWN them and they do not OWN you.
Now you know how she is, act accordingly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and just heard back:

This is one of tbe more refreshing texts I have received in my adult life. I apologize that you were hurt and now can see why you were. A friend planned the party for me, I gave her a guest list, and because we only see each other mainly in a larger group I didn't even think to invite you--and it only now when you texted occurred to me that everyone else in our grouo was invited. Stupid me. Please know this was not personal, just a function of us needing to hang out more. Would you like to grab coffee next week?

I feel RELIEF that I was direct.

And I am not in Dc area any longer so feel posiitve she is not on dcum

and THIS is why you respectfully ask. I predict this friendship now grows closer.
Good job, OP.