Would I be a jerk if I backed out of my family member’s bachelorette party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, between flight, housing and transportation you are already at $2000. And you haven't eaten a single thing, visited a single winery, etc. I would expect to spend another $1500-2000 for that stuff.

Can you afford a $4000 trip? If not, back out. Don't make your decision based on whether you'll get back the $800 or not - consider it a sunk cost if you can't recoup. But don't throw away another $3000 chasing it.

Under no circumstances should you go into any sort of debt for this. In other words, if you would have to put any of this on a credit card, don't go. Only go if you can pay for the whole thing in cash (symbolically of course - don't actually take $4000 in cash).

+1

The $800 is a sunk cost - you (stupidly) agreed to it, and sent the money before you had an idea of the trip cost. In theory, I agree with those that say you should have known this was going to be an expensive trip. You all haven’t even discussed food yet. Based on the way they are planning lodging and transportation, it’s going to be $$$.

As someone that has been the planner (I ALWAYS give costs up front) for various groups, I despise when people back out because the organizer usually ends up eating that money. I’m still salty about the ticket to a football game a friend never paid for. Not a soul volunteered to split the cost with me. People generally do not understand how this works until *they* do the planning for the group.

This is on the organizer, not OP

This.

If you’re not organized and not be transparent that all of the attendees will be paying for the bride expect for people to back out.

The cost of the lodging is not on the organizer at this point. The organizer sent an email saying the lodging would be $X, and I need $Y from each person by Z date. OP sent the money, which meant she agreed to the cost of the lodging. OP could have backed out at that point, or said she wasn’t comfortable committing to anything at that point without an itinerary or an idea of what the other costs would be. She did not do that, and sent the money. It’s sunk cost - they are not going to send it back.

Wrong. OP said the organizer sent a text the same day saying I need $800 by this afternoon and that when she disclosed where they were going in the same message. There was only a few hours turnaround to collect money and to let people know the details =disorganized. I’ll say it again, if you’re disorganized and spring things on people last minute expect people to back out.

And if you back out of something after paying for it expect not to get that money back

Exactly. Don't say yes and agree to something without knowing the details. I would be outraged too, but would understand (even though I wouldn't like it) that I made a bad decision (going along with a plan with only partial details). Yes the message to deposit the $800 was high pressure, but so are telemarketing calls that are trying to empty your bank account. Just because someone is loudly demanding your money doesn't mean you have to cooperate.

If they offer the $ back then great, but I wouldn't expect it. Especially not from a bride entitled enough to plan a luxury vacation for herself that she is fine with her friends sponsoring. You can, however, cut your losses and refuse to commit to further expenses.

You have to update us, OP! What did you decide to do?

[Anonymous]

Jesus Christ they just sent an email saying that they’re going to get a private chef now at $200 per person. This is ridiculous.

I’m officially backing out and asking for my money back.

[Anonymous]

I think if the bride had said, “you’re invited! It’s $4500 for the bachelorette party and $5000 for the wedding “ what would you have said?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ they just sent an email saying that they’re going to get a private chef now at $200 per person. This is ridiculous.

I’m officially backing out and asking for my money back.

Right decision, OP. Keep us apprised of the reaction!

[Anonymous]

This should go on Reddit. r/weddingshaming

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if the bride had said, “you’re invited! It’s $4500 for the bachelorette party and $5000 for the wedding “ what would you have said?

An emphatic hell no. I anticipated the trip being around $1200 +/- but this insane. I could be going to Europe with what they’re expecting people to pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ they just sent an email saying that they’re going to get a private chef now at $200 per person. This is ridiculous.

I’m officially backing out and asking for my money back.

Right decision, OP. Keep us apprised of the reaction!

Email now and keep is updated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if the bride had said, “you’re invited! It’s $4500 for the bachelorette party and $5000 for the wedding “ what would you have said?

+1

Damn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ they just sent an email saying that they’re going to get a private chef now at $200 per person. This is ridiculous.

I’m officially backing out and asking for my money back.

Right decision, OP. Keep us apprised of the reaction!

Email now and keep is updated.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, between flight, housing and transportation you are already at $2000. And you haven't eaten a single thing, visited a single winery, etc. I would expect to spend another $1500-2000 for that stuff.

Can you afford a $4000 trip? If not, back out. Don't make your decision based on whether you'll get back the $800 or not - consider it a sunk cost if you can't recoup. But don't throw away another $3000 chasing it.

Under no circumstances should you go into any sort of debt for this. In other words, if you would have to put any of this on a credit card, don't go. Only go if you can pay for the whole thing in cash (symbolically of course - don't actually take $4000 in cash).

+1

The $800 is a sunk cost - you (stupidly) agreed to it, and sent the money before you had an idea of the trip cost. In theory, I agree with those that say you should have known this was going to be an expensive trip. You all haven’t even discussed food yet. Based on the way they are planning lodging and transportation, it’s going to be $$$.

As someone that has been the planner (I ALWAYS give costs up front) for various groups, I despise when people back out because the organizer usually ends up eating that money. I’m still salty about the ticket to a football game a friend never paid for. Not a soul volunteered to split the cost with me. People generally do not understand how this works until *they* do the planning for the group.

This is on the organizer, not OP

This.

If you’re not organized and not be transparent that all of the attendees will be paying for the bride expect for people to back out.

The cost of the lodging is not on the organizer at this point. The organizer sent an email saying the lodging would be $X, and I need $Y from each person by Z date. OP sent the money, which meant she agreed to the cost of the lodging. OP could have backed out at that point, or said she wasn’t comfortable committing to anything at that point without an itinerary or an idea of what the other costs would be. She did not do that, and sent the money. It’s sunk cost - they are not going to send it back.

Wrong. OP said the organizer sent a text the same day saying I need $800 by this afternoon and that when she disclosed where they were going in the same message. There was only a few hours turnaround to collect money and to let people know the details =disorganized. I’ll say it again, if you’re disorganized and spring things on people last minute expect people to back out.

And if you back out of something after paying for it expect not to get that money back

Exactly. Don't say yes and agree to something without knowing the details. I would be outraged too, but would understand (even though I wouldn't like it) that I made a bad decision (going along with a plan with only partial details). Yes the message to deposit the $800 was high pressure, but so are telemarketing calls that are trying to empty your bank account. Just because someone is loudly demanding your money doesn't mean you have to cooperate.

If they offer the $ back then great, but I wouldn't expect it. Especially not from a bride entitled enough to plan a luxury vacation for herself that she is fine with her friends sponsoring. You can, however, cut your losses and refuse to commit to further expenses.

You have to update us, OP! What did you decide to do?

Why do people keep insisting the organizers have every right to extort people and then keep their money? OP has every right to ask for it back and if the organizers say no then that just shows there are money grubbing a-holes. Yuck. Pay for your own vacations and don't fleece others. I guess we know what kind of people volunteer to plan such ridiculous trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, between flight, housing and transportation you are already at $2000. And you haven't eaten a single thing, visited a single winery, etc. I would expect to spend another $1500-2000 for that stuff.

Can you afford a $4000 trip? If not, back out. Don't make your decision based on whether you'll get back the $800 or not - consider it a sunk cost if you can't recoup. But don't throw away another $3000 chasing it.

Under no circumstances should you go into any sort of debt for this. In other words, if you would have to put any of this on a credit card, don't go. Only go if you can pay for the whole thing in cash (symbolically of course - don't actually take $4000 in cash).

+1

The $800 is a sunk cost - you (stupidly) agreed to it, and sent the money before you had an idea of the trip cost. In theory, I agree with those that say you should have known this was going to be an expensive trip. You all haven’t even discussed food yet. Based on the way they are planning lodging and transportation, it’s going to be $$$.

As someone that has been the planner (I ALWAYS give costs up front) for various groups, I despise when people back out because the organizer usually ends up eating that money. I’m still salty about the ticket to a football game a friend never paid for. Not a soul volunteered to split the cost with me. People generally do not understand how this works until *they* do the planning for the group.

This is on the organizer, not OP

This.

If you’re not organized and not be transparent that all of the attendees will be paying for the bride expect for people to back out.

The cost of the lodging is not on the organizer at this point. The organizer sent an email saying the lodging would be $X, and I need $Y from each person by Z date. OP sent the money, which meant she agreed to the cost of the lodging. OP could have backed out at that point, or said she wasn’t comfortable committing to anything at that point without an itinerary or an idea of what the other costs would be. She did not do that, and sent the money. It’s sunk cost - they are not going to send it back.

Wrong. OP said the organizer sent a text the same day saying I need $800 by this afternoon and that when she disclosed where they were going in the same message. There was only a few hours turnaround to collect money and to let people know the details =disorganized. I’ll say it again, if you’re disorganized and spring things on people last minute expect people to back out.

And if you back out of something after paying for it expect not to get that money back

Exactly. Don't say yes and agree to something without knowing the details. I would be outraged too, but would understand (even though I wouldn't like it) that I made a bad decision (going along with a plan with only partial details). Yes the message to deposit the $800 was high pressure, but so are telemarketing calls that are trying to empty your bank account. Just because someone is loudly demanding your money doesn't mean you have to cooperate.

If they offer the $ back then great, but I wouldn't expect it. Especially not from a bride entitled enough to plan a luxury vacation for herself that she is fine with her friends sponsoring. You can, however, cut your losses and refuse to commit to further expenses.

You have to update us, OP! What did you decide to do?

Why do people keep insisting the organizers have every right to extort people and then keep their money? OP has every right to ask for it back and if the organizers say no then that just shows there are money grubbing a-holes. Yuck. Pay for your own vacations and don't fleece others. I guess we know what kind of people volunteer to plan such ridiculous trips.

x10000

They keep saying OP should’ve asked for details before giving $800 for the air bnb so now she should just accept the cost as a lesson learned. I bet all of my money that even she had asked and they gave her some details they would’ve still kept adding costly unknown expenses after the fact leaving OP back to where she is now. Clearly the organizer has no regard for others.

[Anonymous]

They keep saying OP should’ve asked for details before giving $800 for the air bnb so now she should just accept the cost as a lesson learned. I bet all of my money that even she had asked and they gave her some details they would’ve still kept adding costly unknown expenses after the fact leaving OP back to where she is now. Clearly the organizer has no regard for others.

This is exactly what would have happened - I got suckered into something like this myself once. The bride and most of the guests were young and just out of college (read: broke) and the original plan as presented at the time of booking was two nights at a semi-local resort with shared rooms, dinner out the first night, hang by the pool all next day, order pizza or something simple to the room the next night, drive home the next AM. Cereal or granola bars for simple breakfasts in-room, lunch at the pool. Bride was not a boozer/partier so it sounded like a chill weekend with no major expenses beyond the shared room and the one nice dinner out. People committed based on that and then over the next several weeks the organizer (who I think was bankrolled by parents and thus no concept of budgeting) kept adding more and more costs and events. First she wanted to add a spa day on Saturday instead of spending the day at the pool, then she wanted everyone to scrap the pizza/movie night and go out to dinner again, and then she wanted do the prix-fix Sunday brunch before driving back the next day. Nobody backed out of the trip but most girls sat out some of all of the events which was awkward for everybody. Hanging out eating pizza in PJs can be fun, but not so much when half the group is getting dolled up for a fancy dinner. If the eventual itinerary had been presented up-front there would have been a lot more declines, so I don't think it was an accident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This should go on Reddit. r/weddingshaming

Seriously

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s shitty to back out at this point. Just say you’re not contributing to XYZ. Though for transportation I mean, how did you *think* you were going to drink and also be transported?

Did you *think* about how they could use Ubers and not a private driver for $590 per person aka 6k (10 people attending) for 4 days? Don’t be a pretentious imbecile.

And nothing is stopping OP from replying all and suggesting that as an alternative- there may be others who are similarly concerned with escalating costs who would appreciate it. That being said, having once gone that route, ubers can be extremely difficult to get in that area and very pricy even in non-Covid times. With current Covid restrictions they will need 4 ubers for each excursion. It’s questionable that they will be able to even find sufficient availability without hour+ waits for each leg and its questionable that it will come out much cheaper.

No matter what you say it’s still much cheaper than 6k.

I think there's probably a miscommunication on the transport. They ought to be able to get a party bus for 600/night for everyone, not per person. So OP is looking at probably around $200 for transport assuming they go out 3 nights.

No, I read it correctly….

https://imgur.com/a/RLWJYEB

We’re covering the transport for the bride as well….

OP just email that you are not available. It is a shame you sent the $800 but whatever your income this whole thing is ridiculous and eats up 2 or 3 days vacation. That is totally intrusive. My DD has been invited to some ludicrous bachelorettes. 1 had about 15 and only 4 showed up. Another similar in scope and not held yet but dubious attendance numbers.

Where is the wedding and where does the cousin live? I saw the airport pick up so for all I know that bridezilla might live in Ohio. If the 800 was a big deal for you and the bridezilla was my niece I'd reimburse you a portion but the normal niece wedding gift $ would have a major reduction.

Where's the wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s shitty to back out at this point. Just say you’re not contributing to XYZ. Though for transportation I mean, how did you *think* you were going to drink and also be transported?

Did you *think* about how they could use Ubers and not a private driver for $590 per person aka 6k (10 people attending) for 4 days? Don’t be a pretentious imbecile.

And nothing is stopping OP from replying all and suggesting that as an alternative- there may be others who are similarly concerned with escalating costs who would appreciate it. That being said, having once gone that route, ubers can be extremely difficult to get in that area and very pricy even in non-Covid times. With current Covid restrictions they will need 4 ubers for each excursion. It’s questionable that they will be able to even find sufficient availability without hour+ waits for each leg and its questionable that it will come out much cheaper.

No matter what you say it’s still much cheaper than 6k.

I think there's probably a miscommunication on the transport. They ought to be able to get a party bus for 600/night for everyone, not per person. So OP is looking at probably around $200 for transport assuming they go out 3 nights.

No, I read it correctly….

https://imgur.com/a/RLWJYEB

We’re covering the transport for the bride as well….

OP just email that you are not available. It is a shame you sent the $800 but whatever your income this whole thing is ridiculous and eats up 2 or 3 days vacation. That is totally intrusive. My DD has been invited to some ludicrous bachelorettes. 1 had about 15 and only 4 showed up. Another similar in scope and not held yet but dubious attendance numbers.

Where is the wedding and where does the cousin live? I saw the airport pick up so for all I know that bridezilla might live in Ohio. If the 800 was a big deal for you and the bridezilla was my niece I'd reimburse you a portion but the normal niece wedding gift $ would have a major reduction.

Where's the wedding?

We all live in the DMV and the wedding is in Puerto Rico…hotel is $365 per night