Would I be a jerk if I backed out of my family member’s bachelorette party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ they just sent an email saying that they’re going to get a private chef now at $200 per person. This is ridiculous.

I’m officially backing out and asking for my money back.

I just posted and this would bring my wedding gift down to $100. Maybe even a $50 gift card to a store they don't use-Target.

[Anonymous]

Where's the wedding?

We all live in the DMV and the wedding is in Puerto Rico…hotel is $365 per night

OMG. OP, is your cousin really rich and/or much older than you?

I'm solidly UMC, and not super old (late 30s) but when my friends and I were all getting married in our mid and late 20s, early 30s, none of us dreamed of doing something like this. I can't imagine being so clueless as to ask others to spend this kind of money celebrating me. You're talking over $10,000 between the bachelorette and the wedding. $10,000!!! Think of what you could do with that.

OP, pleeeeaase keep us posted as to whether you get your $ back/how they take you backing out. This is insane.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, between flight, housing and transportation you are already at $2000. And you haven't eaten a single thing, visited a single winery, etc. I would expect to spend another $1500-2000 for that stuff.

Can you afford a $4000 trip? If not, back out. Don't make your decision based on whether you'll get back the $800 or not - consider it a sunk cost if you can't recoup. But don't throw away another $3000 chasing it.

Under no circumstances should you go into any sort of debt for this. In other words, if you would have to put any of this on a credit card, don't go. Only go if you can pay for the whole thing in cash (symbolically of course - don't actually take $4000 in cash).

+1

The $800 is a sunk cost - you (stupidly) agreed to it, and sent the money before you had an idea of the trip cost. In theory, I agree with those that say you should have known this was going to be an expensive trip. You all haven’t even discussed food yet. Based on the way they are planning lodging and transportation, it’s going to be $$$.

As someone that has been the planner (I ALWAYS give costs up front) for various groups, I despise when people back out because the organizer usually ends up eating that money. I’m still salty about the ticket to a football game a friend never paid for. Not a soul volunteered to split the cost with me. People generally do not understand how this works until *they* do the planning for the group.

This is on the organizer, not OP

This.

If you’re not organized and not be transparent that all of the attendees will be paying for the bride expect for people to back out.

The cost of the lodging is not on the organizer at this point. The organizer sent an email saying the lodging would be $X, and I need $Y from each person by Z date. OP sent the money, which meant she agreed to the cost of the lodging. OP could have backed out at that point, or said she wasn’t comfortable committing to anything at that point without an itinerary or an idea of what the other costs would be. She did not do that, and sent the money. It’s sunk cost - they are not going to send it back.

Wrong. OP said the organizer sent a text the same day saying I need $800 by this afternoon and that when she disclosed where they were going in the same message. There was only a few hours turnaround to collect money and to let people know the details =disorganized. I’ll say it again, if you’re disorganized and spring things on people last minute expect people to back out.

And if you back out of something after paying for it expect not to get that money back

Exactly. Don't say yes and agree to something without knowing the details. I would be outraged too, but would understand (even though I wouldn't like it) that I made a bad decision (going along with a plan with only partial details). Yes the message to deposit the $800 was high pressure, but so are telemarketing calls that are trying to empty your bank account. Just because someone is loudly demanding your money doesn't mean you have to cooperate.

If they offer the $ back then great, but I wouldn't expect it. Especially not from a bride entitled enough to plan a luxury vacation for herself that she is fine with her friends sponsoring. You can, however, cut your losses and refuse to commit to further expenses.

You have to update us, OP! What did you decide to do?

Why do people keep insisting the organizers have every right to extort people and then keep their money? OP has every right to ask for it back and if the organizers say no then that just shows there are money grubbing a-holes. Yuck. Pay for your own vacations and don't fleece others. I guess we know what kind of people volunteer to plan such ridiculous trips.

In my case, I said it because of the OP in which it sounds pretty clear that she didn't ask for details first - just "figured" about things. Don't get me wrong - I really do HOPE that she gets her $ back. If the OP said it was a bait and switch I would have said differently. But I also get your point of view and am in agreement that the plans are leaning toward social extortion. But the OP did appear to have said "of course" with no questions asked, and the rest of their group made their plans based on that commitment.

While I've never gone along on a bachelorette vacation (always out of my budget), I *have* had my own plans d*cked over by friends who changed their minds and left the rest of us holding their share of the cost. If you say yes without knowing what you're saying yes to, you share some responsibility for the plans shaping into what they did.

But I still hope that OP gets her money back.

Keep us posted about what they say, OP!!

[Anonymous]

Wonder how many other people committed to this with little to no info and are now hoping against hope somebody else will be the one to say the expenses are getting out of hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, between flight, housing and transportation you are already at $2000. And you haven't eaten a single thing, visited a single winery, etc. I would expect to spend another $1500-2000 for that stuff.

Can you afford a $4000 trip? If not, back out. Don't make your decision based on whether you'll get back the $800 or not - consider it a sunk cost if you can't recoup. But don't throw away another $3000 chasing it.

Under no circumstances should you go into any sort of debt for this. In other words, if you would have to put any of this on a credit card, don't go. Only go if you can pay for the whole thing in cash (symbolically of course - don't actually take $4000 in cash).

+1

The $800 is a sunk cost - you (stupidly) agreed to it, and sent the money before you had an idea of the trip cost. In theory, I agree with those that say you should have known this was going to be an expensive trip. You all haven’t even discussed food yet. Based on the way they are planning lodging and transportation, it’s going to be $$$.

As someone that has been the planner (I ALWAYS give costs up front) for various groups, I despise when people back out because the organizer usually ends up eating that money. I’m still salty about the ticket to a football game a friend never paid for. Not a soul volunteered to split the cost with me. People generally do not understand how this works until *they* do the planning for the group.

This is on the organizer, not OP

This.

If you’re not organized and not be transparent that all of the attendees will be paying for the bride expect for people to back out.

The cost of the lodging is not on the organizer at this point. The organizer sent an email saying the lodging would be $X, and I need $Y from each person by Z date. OP sent the money, which meant she agreed to the cost of the lodging. OP could have backed out at that point, or said she wasn’t comfortable committing to anything at that point without an itinerary or an idea of what the other costs would be. She did not do that, and sent the money. It’s sunk cost - they are not going to send it back.

Wrong. OP said the organizer sent a text the same day saying I need $800 by this afternoon and that when she disclosed where they were going in the same message. There was only a few hours turnaround to collect money and to let people know the details =disorganized. I’ll say it again, if you’re disorganized and spring things on people last minute expect people to back out.

And if you back out of something after paying for it expect not to get that money back

Exactly. Don't say yes and agree to something without knowing the details. I would be outraged too, but would understand (even though I wouldn't like it) that I made a bad decision (going along with a plan with only partial details). Yes the message to deposit the $800 was high pressure, but so are telemarketing calls that are trying to empty your bank account. Just because someone is loudly demanding your money doesn't mean you have to cooperate.

If they offer the $ back then great, but I wouldn't expect it. Especially not from a bride entitled enough to plan a luxury vacation for herself that she is fine with her friends sponsoring. You can, however, cut your losses and refuse to commit to further expenses.

You have to update us, OP! What did you decide to do?

Why do people keep insisting the organizers have every right to extort people and then keep their money? OP has every right to ask for it back and if the organizers say no then that just shows there are money grubbing a-holes. Yuck. Pay for your own vacations and don't fleece others. I guess we know what kind of people volunteer to plan such ridiculous trips.

In my case, I said it because of the OP in which it sounds pretty clear that she didn't ask for details first - just "figured" about things. Don't get me wrong - I really do HOPE that she gets her $ back. If the OP said it was a bait and switch I would have said differently. But I also get your point of view and am in agreement that the plans are leaning toward social extortion. But the OP did appear to have said "of course" with no questions asked, and the rest of their group made their plans based on that commitment.

While I've never gone along on a bachelorette vacation (always out of my budget), I *have* had my own plans d*cked over by friends who changed their minds and left the rest of us holding their share of the cost. If you say yes without knowing what you're saying yes to, you share some responsibility for the plans shaping into what they did.

But I still hope that OP gets her money back.

Keep us posted about what they say, OP!!

I’m sure OP said of course to going because: 1. That’s her family 2. Bachelorette parties are rarely this extravagant and I doubt she anticipated it being this costly.

Like you said, this is practically social extortion.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm curious about the economic/professional status of the organizer, your cousin, and other attendees. Are they wealthy? Advanced in their careers? I'm trying to figure out anyone without significant generational wealth or advanced career status can be so cavalier about bachelorette party expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, between flight, housing and transportation you are already at $2000. And you haven't eaten a single thing, visited a single winery, etc. I would expect to spend another $1500-2000 for that stuff.

Can you afford a $4000 trip? If not, back out. Don't make your decision based on whether you'll get back the $800 or not - consider it a sunk cost if you can't recoup. But don't throw away another $3000 chasing it.

Under no circumstances should you go into any sort of debt for this. In other words, if you would have to put any of this on a credit card, don't go. Only go if you can pay for the whole thing in cash (symbolically of course - don't actually take $4000 in cash).

+1

The $800 is a sunk cost - you (stupidly) agreed to it, and sent the money before you had an idea of the trip cost. In theory, I agree with those that say you should have known this was going to be an expensive trip. You all haven’t even discussed food yet. Based on the way they are planning lodging and transportation, it’s going to be $$$.

As someone that has been the planner (I ALWAYS give costs up front) for various groups, I despise when people back out because the organizer usually ends up eating that money. I’m still salty about the ticket to a football game a friend never paid for. Not a soul volunteered to split the cost with me. People generally do not understand how this works until *they* do the planning for the group.

This is on the organizer, not OP

This.

If you’re not organized and not be transparent that all of the attendees will be paying for the bride expect for people to back out.

The cost of the lodging is not on the organizer at this point. The organizer sent an email saying the lodging would be $X, and I need $Y from each person by Z date. OP sent the money, which meant she agreed to the cost of the lodging. OP could have backed out at that point, or said she wasn’t comfortable committing to anything at that point without an itinerary or an idea of what the other costs would be. She did not do that, and sent the money. It’s sunk cost - they are not going to send it back.

Wrong. OP said the organizer sent a text the same day saying I need $800 by this afternoon and that when she disclosed where they were going in the same message. There was only a few hours turnaround to collect money and to let people know the details =disorganized. I’ll say it again, if you’re disorganized and spring things on people last minute expect people to back out.

And if you back out of something after paying for it expect not to get that money back

Exactly. Don't say yes and agree to something without knowing the details. I would be outraged too, but would understand (even though I wouldn't like it) that I made a bad decision (going along with a plan with only partial details). Yes the message to deposit the $800 was high pressure, but so are telemarketing calls that are trying to empty your bank account. Just because someone is loudly demanding your money doesn't mean you have to cooperate.

If they offer the $ back then great, but I wouldn't expect it. Especially not from a bride entitled enough to plan a luxury vacation for herself that she is fine with her friends sponsoring. You can, however, cut your losses and refuse to commit to further expenses.

You have to update us, OP! What did you decide to do?

Why do people keep insisting the organizers have every right to extort people and then keep their money? OP has every right to ask for it back and if the organizers say no then that just shows there are money grubbing a-holes. Yuck. Pay for your own vacations and don't fleece others. I guess we know what kind of people volunteer to plan such ridiculous trips.

In my case, I said it because of the OP in which it sounds pretty clear that she didn't ask for details first - just "figured" about things. Don't get me wrong - I really do HOPE that she gets her $ back. If the OP said it was a bait and switch I would have said differently. But I also get your point of view and am in agreement that the plans are leaning toward social extortion. But the OP did appear to have said "of course" with no questions asked, and the rest of their group made their plans based on that commitment.

While I've never gone along on a bachelorette vacation (always out of my budget), I *have* had my own plans d*cked over by friends who changed their minds and left the rest of us holding their share of the cost. If you say yes without knowing what you're saying yes to, you share some responsibility for the plans shaping into what they did.

But I still hope that OP gets her money back.

Keep us posted about what they say, OP!!

I’m sure OP said of course to going because: 1. That’s her family 2. Bachelorette parties are rarely this extravagant and I doubt she anticipated it being this costly.

Like you said, this is practically social extortion.

Ah, that might be the difference some of us are experiencing. In my circle, ALL bachelor/bachelorette weekends were like this, including the planner (usually a trust fund kid) announcing that we would all be expected to pay for the bride/groom. And the plans are always celebrity-level long weekends even though none of us actually live like that in real life. The last 4 DH or I were invited to were either Vegas or CA wine country in luxury hotels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

They keep saying OP should’ve asked for details before giving $800 for the air bnb so now she should just accept the cost as a lesson learned. I bet all of my money that even she had asked and they gave her some details they would’ve still kept adding costly unknown expenses after the fact leaving OP back to where she is now. Clearly the organizer has no regard for others.

This is exactly what would have happened - I got suckered into something like this myself once. The bride and most of the guests were young and just out of college (read: broke) and the original plan as presented at the time of booking was two nights at a semi-local resort with shared rooms, dinner out the first night, hang by the pool all next day, order pizza or something simple to the room the next night, drive home the next AM. Cereal or granola bars for simple breakfasts in-room, lunch at the pool. Bride was not a boozer/partier so it sounded like a chill weekend with no major expenses beyond the shared room and the one nice dinner out. People committed based on that and then over the next several weeks the organizer (who I think was bankrolled by parents and thus no concept of budgeting) kept adding more and more costs and events. First she wanted to add a spa day on Saturday instead of spending the day at the pool, then she wanted everyone to scrap the pizza/movie night and go out to dinner again, and then she wanted do the prix-fix Sunday brunch before driving back the next day. Nobody backed out of the trip but most girls sat out some of all of the events which was awkward for everybody. Hanging out eating pizza in PJs can be fun, but not so much when half the group is getting dolled up for a fancy dinner. If the eventual itinerary had been presented up-front there would have been a lot more declines, so I don't think it was an accident.

I once traveled for a wedding and right before the weekend of, they announced a bachelorette party for Friday night AND a bridal shower the next morning before the wedding. This was 20 years ago when I made about $1800/mo take-home pay right after college. I ended up spending $1500+ on flights, hotel, night out, gift, bridesmaid dress, shower, brunch, etc. The bride came from a lower-middle-class family. It was like she thought that because she was blowing her family's and her own savings, that everyone else should too. It sucked big time. We don't talk anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wonder how many other people committed to this with little to no info and are now hoping against hope somebody else will be the one to say the expenses are getting out of hand.

This! I would reach out to the others and have a frank conversation. I don’t care if it’s “rude” to do so.

My friend was going to have what would have probably been a very similar Napa bachelorette, but luckily it was canceled due to COVID and we did something simpler (that still cost several hundred/pp, but still). This is also with a destination wedding, which did happen and cost us all a pretty penny. I was extremely resentful at the prospect of a destination bachelorette AND destination wedding. I don’t know what I would have ended up doing in your situation so I am so grateful it didn’t happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ they just sent an email saying that they’re going to get a private chef now at $200 per person. This is ridiculous.

I’m officially backing out and asking for my money back.

You go, girl. Those people are out of control. Get out now. And be sure to get every penny of your $800 back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, between flight, housing and transportation you are already at $2000. And you haven't eaten a single thing, visited a single winery, etc. I would expect to spend another $1500-2000 for that stuff.

Can you afford a $4000 trip? If not, back out. Don't make your decision based on whether you'll get back the $800 or not - consider it a sunk cost if you can't recoup. But don't throw away another $3000 chasing it.

Under no circumstances should you go into any sort of debt for this. In other words, if you would have to put any of this on a credit card, don't go. Only go if you can pay for the whole thing in cash (symbolically of course - don't actually take $4000 in cash).

+1

The $800 is a sunk cost - you (stupidly) agreed to it, and sent the money before you had an idea of the trip cost. In theory, I agree with those that say you should have known this was going to be an expensive trip. You all haven’t even discussed food yet. Based on the way they are planning lodging and transportation, it’s going to be $$$.

As someone that has been the planner (I ALWAYS give costs up front) for various groups, I despise when people back out because the organizer usually ends up eating that money. I’m still salty about the ticket to a football game a friend never paid for. Not a soul volunteered to split the cost with me. People generally do not understand how this works until *they* do the planning for the group.

This is on the organizer, not OP

This.

If you’re not organized and not be transparent that all of the attendees will be paying for the bride expect for people to back out.

The cost of the lodging is not on the organizer at this point. The organizer sent an email saying the lodging would be $X, and I need $Y from each person by Z date. OP sent the money, which meant she agreed to the cost of the lodging. OP could have backed out at that point, or said she wasn’t comfortable committing to anything at that point without an itinerary or an idea of what the other costs would be. She did not do that, and sent the money. It’s sunk cost - they are not going to send it back.

Wrong. OP said the organizer sent a text the same day saying I need $800 by this afternoon and that when she disclosed where they were going in the same message. There was only a few hours turnaround to collect money and to let people know the details =disorganized. I’ll say it again, if you’re disorganized and spring things on people last minute expect people to back out.

And if you back out of something after paying for it expect not to get that money back

Exactly. Don't say yes and agree to something without knowing the details. I would be outraged too, but would understand (even though I wouldn't like it) that I made a bad decision (going along with a plan with only partial details). Yes the message to deposit the $800 was high pressure, but so are telemarketing calls that are trying to empty your bank account. Just because someone is loudly demanding your money doesn't mean you have to cooperate.

If they offer the $ back then great, but I wouldn't expect it. Especially not from a bride entitled enough to plan a luxury vacation for herself that she is fine with her friends sponsoring. You can, however, cut your losses and refuse to commit to further expenses.

You have to update us, OP! What did you decide to do?

Why do people keep insisting the organizers have every right to extort people and then keep their money? OP has every right to ask for it back and if the organizers say no then that just shows there are money grubbing a-holes. Yuck. Pay for your own vacations and don't fleece others. I guess we know what kind of people volunteer to plan such ridiculous trips.

In my case, I said it because of the OP in which it sounds pretty clear that she didn't ask for details first - just "figured" about things. Don't get me wrong - I really do HOPE that she gets her $ back. If the OP said it was a bait and switch I would have said differently. But I also get your point of view and am in agreement that the plans are leaning toward social extortion. But the OP did appear to have said "of course" with no questions asked, and the rest of their group made their plans based on that commitment.

While I've never gone along on a bachelorette vacation (always out of my budget), I *have* had my own plans d*cked over by friends who changed their minds and left the rest of us holding their share of the cost. If you say yes without knowing what you're saying yes to, you share some responsibility for the plans shaping into what they did.

But I still hope that OP gets her money back.

Keep us posted about what they say, OP!!

I’m sure OP said of course to going because: 1. That’s her family 2. Bachelorette parties are rarely this extravagant and I doubt she anticipated it being this costly.

Like you said, this is practically social extortion.

Ah, that might be the difference some of us are experiencing. In my circle, ALL bachelor/bachelorette weekends were like this, including the planner (usually a trust fund kid) announcing that we would all be expected to pay for the bride/groom. And the plans are always celebrity-level long weekends even though none of us actually live like that in real life. The last 4 DH or I were invited to were either Vegas or CA wine country in luxury hotels.

Does everyone know everyone in your circle? Because how often do friends of bride/groom know out of town cousins and their budgets? Not sure your situation is the same as OP's. If you don't know everyone then you shouldn't assume the sky is the limit and plan accordingly. Maybe it's more important for the bride to spend time with the people she cares about doing something every can afford to do. I wonder if the planners are doing all this with the brides blessing, maybe she cares more about having fun with her cousin and all her friends over the celebrity level weekend. How myopic can some people be?

[Anonymous]

One of the best things about getting old is I don't get invited to ish like this anymore.

[Anonymous]

OP did you by chance just watch Wine Country on Netflix??

[Anonymous]

I don’t think the OP is for real. The details keep getting more salacious with each post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the OP is for real. The details keep getting more salacious with each post.

Did you not see her post the pictures of the emails? It’s not that hard to believe people are this inconsiderate