Would I be a jerk if I backed out of my family member’s bachelorette party?
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Anonymous
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Not sure this is the correct forum or not so my apologies…
So my cousin is getting married in December with a destination wedding. Next month is her bachelorette party. We live on the East Coast and her bachelorette party is in Napa Valley - 4 nights. She informally asked if I was going in early August (no mention of CA yet just that she was having a bachelorette party) and I said of course. The formal invitation followed a few days later. The invitation didn’t say what the party entailed just they were going to wine country. The organizer later that afternoon sent an email saying she wanted a headcount first *then* she would send out pricing. I thought that was strange but I had verbally agreed and rsvpd at that point. The next day (3 weeks ago) she sends a text saying lodging is going to be $800 per person and to send it to her in full 4pm THAT DAY. I’m kind of thrown off by the quick turnaround and her expecting people to just give up $800 in a matter of a few hours, especially since this didn’t even include any other expenses. I’ve never been to CA and again, I already agreed, plus I figured it would be fun so I sent the money. They send the link to the $800 per person air bnb- it’s an “estate” that cost $1800 per night. This was a week and a half ago and last night they send out an itinerary. The organizer mentions how they’re looking into getting a private driver which will end up being $590 per person but may also be leaning towards renting a car. Renting a car will be $90 per person not including gas and tips, but they’d only do it if people volunteered to be the DD. I could do it but then why would I pay so much money to go to wine country to just be the DD? On the other hand who wants to pay $590 each for a private driver? Also, in the email they mentioned how we would be covering the bride-to-be’s expenses as well. The bachelorette party is 3 weeks away by the way. After that email I’m strongly considering backing out. $800 for the lodging, $400 my flight, potentially $590 for the driver, and these are just the known expenses before paying for dinner and the winery’s and god knows what else. Then I’ve already bought her bridal shower gift for this weekend and still have to buy my flight and hotel for her wedding in December since she’s having a destination wedding. Plus, all of this just keeps popping up so last minute and after the fact so there’s no time to budget IMO. Now, if I back out of the trip this will increase the price for the others attending. I think it would be an extra $100 (I haven’t actually crunched the numbers yet 😅) for the others attending if we’re only considering the airbnb. Also, I rsvpd already so there’s that too. So, would I be a jerk if I backed out of the bachelorette party? Oh, and no, I’m not a part of the wedding party. |
Anonymous
| I wouldn’t go and I’d tell them it’s too expensive. |
Anonymous
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If you really can't afford it back out, and explain why.
Otherwise go. |
Anonymous
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OP I would not go and money is not an issue for me.
You are not part of the wedding party. Her behavior/asks are unacceptable. |
Anonymous
How so? It’s her wedding |
Anonymous
+1 also keep in mind that if this is the path the bachelorette party has gone there is a good chance that the costs associated in attending the actual wedding may shift/increase as well. May not but there does not seem to be any thought or sensitivity to others' budgets here. |
Anonymous
| I’d say back out, but still pay your part of the Airbnb |
Anonymous
| Chances are you are not the only one looking to back out at this point. |
Anonymous
| If you truly can’t afford it, back out. But in this case I think you are to blame - a four-night stay in Napa was obviously going to be very expensive. In fact you’re getting off pretty cheap on the lodging. You already RSVP’d so you need to suck it up if you can. |
Anonymous
| I would be concerned that other people will be backing out and that the costs you just mentioned are about to go up. |
Anonymous
This makes 0 sense. Let $800 go down the drain to just not attend? If they can spend this much money and hire a private driver for $590 a person like they’re celebrities then an extra $100-$200 per person will be nothing for them. |
Anonymous
| Nope. No way. I’d back out and explain why. I have no tolerance for this out of touch BS. |
Anonymous
It’s incredibly rude to continue to add on significant costs. People have to plan. That said, OP has some responsibility here to pause before saying yes. My guess is that she wants to please others and be the cool, fun one. Dropping a couple of thousands of dollars for a bachelorette party with people you don’t know well is just plain stupid. |
Anonymous
Unfortunately I agree with PP that it would be wrong to back out to the airBnB. OP knew and agreed to that cost. You could always go to Napa and just not participate in the wine tours/driving excursions. Just enjoy the estate and pool. |
Anonymous
| I wouldn’t go. Di merry there will easily be $200/pp. you are looking at another few thousand for food and wine tastings. |