Would I be a jerk if I backed out of my family member’s bachelorette party?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, between flight, housing and transportation you are already at $2000. And you haven't eaten a single thing, visited a single winery, etc. I would expect to spend another $1500-2000 for that stuff.

Can you afford a $4000 trip? If not, back out. Don't make your decision based on whether you'll get back the $800 or not - consider it a sunk cost if you can't recoup. But don't throw away another $3000 chasing it.

Under no circumstances should you go into any sort of debt for this. In other words, if you would have to put any of this on a credit card, don't go. Only go if you can pay for the whole thing in cash (symbolically of course - don't actually take $4000 in cash).

+1

The $800 is a sunk cost - you (stupidly) agreed to it, and sent the money before you had an idea of the trip cost. In theory, I agree with those that say you should have known this was going to be an expensive trip. You all haven’t even discussed food yet. Based on the way they are planning lodging and transportation, it’s going to be $$$.

As someone that has been the planner (I ALWAYS give costs up front) for various groups, I despise when people back out because the organizer usually ends up eating that money. I’m still salty about the ticket to a football game a friend never paid for. Not a soul volunteered to split the cost with me. People generally do not understand how this works until *they* do the planning for the group.

This is on the organizer, not OP

This.

If you’re not organized and not be transparent that all of the attendees will be paying for the bride expect for people to back out.

The cost of the lodging is not on the organizer at this point. The organizer sent an email saying the lodging would be $X, and I need $Y from each person by Z date. OP sent the money, which meant she agreed to the cost of the lodging. OP could have backed out at that point, or said she wasn’t comfortable committing to anything at that point without an itinerary or an idea of what the other costs would be. She did not do that, and sent the money. It’s sunk cost - they are not going to send it back.

Wrong. OP said the organizer sent a text the same day saying I need $800 by this afternoon and that when she disclosed where they were going in the same message. There was only a few hours turnaround to collect money and to let people know the details =disorganized. I’ll say it again, if you’re disorganized and spring things on people last minute expect people to back out.

And if you back out of something after paying for it expect not to get that money back

Exactly. Don't say yes and agree to something without knowing the details. I would be outraged too, but would understand (even though I wouldn't like it) that I made a bad decision (going along with a plan with only partial details). Yes the message to deposit the $800 was high pressure, but so are telemarketing calls that are trying to empty your bank account. Just because someone is loudly demanding your money doesn't mean you have to cooperate.

If they offer the $ back then great, but I wouldn't expect it. Especially not from a bride entitled enough to plan a luxury vacation for herself that she is fine with her friends sponsoring. You can, however, cut your losses and refuse to commit to further expenses.

You have to update us, OP! What did you decide to do?

Why do people keep insisting the organizers have every right to extort people and then keep their money? OP has every right to ask for it back and if the organizers say no then that just shows there are money grubbing a-holes. Yuck. Pay for your own vacations and don't fleece others. I guess we know what kind of people volunteer to plan such ridiculous trips.

In my case, I said it because of the OP in which it sounds pretty clear that she didn't ask for details first - just "figured" about things. Don't get me wrong - I really do HOPE that she gets her $ back. If the OP said it was a bait and switch I would have said differently. But I also get your point of view and am in agreement that the plans are leaning toward social extortion. But the OP did appear to have said "of course" with no questions asked, and the rest of their group made their plans based on that commitment.

While I've never gone along on a bachelorette vacation (always out of my budget), I *have* had my own plans d*cked over by friends who changed their minds and left the rest of us holding their share of the cost. If you say yes without knowing what you're saying yes to, you share some responsibility for the plans shaping into what they did.

But I still hope that OP gets her money back.

Keep us posted about what they say, OP!!

I’m sure OP said of course to going because: 1. That’s her family 2. Bachelorette parties are rarely this extravagant and I doubt she anticipated it being this costly.

Like you said, this is practically social extortion.

Ah, that might be the difference some of us are experiencing. In my circle, ALL bachelor/bachelorette weekends were like this, including the planner (usually a trust fund kid) announcing that we would all be expected to pay for the bride/groom. And the plans are always celebrity-level long weekends even though none of us actually live like that in real life. The last 4 DH or I were invited to were either Vegas or CA wine country in luxury hotels.

Does everyone know everyone in your circle? Because how often do friends of bride/groom know out of town cousins and their budgets? Not sure your situation is the same as OP's. If you don't know everyone then you shouldn't assume the sky is the limit and plan accordingly. Maybe it's more important for the bride to spend time with the people she cares about doing something every can afford to do. I wonder if the planners are doing all this with the brides blessing, maybe she cares more about having fun with her cousin and all her friends over the celebrity level weekend. How myopic can some people be?

That part x 1000. This group is just highly inconsiderate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the OP is for real. The details keep getting more salacious with each post.

Did you not see her post the pictures of the emails? It’s not that hard to believe people are this inconsiderate

People can fake emails

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the OP is for real. The details keep getting more salacious with each post.

Did you not see her post the pictures of the emails? It’s not that hard to believe people are this inconsiderate

People can fake emails

You sound stupid. Please stop.

[Anonymous]

OP, what's the latest? I am unreasonably invested in this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the OP is for real. The details keep getting more salacious with each post.

Did you not see her post the pictures of the emails? It’s not that hard to believe people are this inconsiderate

+1

I was in a wedding years ago, and the wedding planner seemed to pick the most expensive, inconvenient choice for everything. I can totally believe this happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the OP is for real. The details keep getting more salacious with each post.

Did you not see her post the pictures of the emails? It’s not that hard to believe people are this inconsiderate

People can fake emails

You sound stupid. Please stop.

I'm convinced this is a troll post. Too many details and very small engagement from the OP. If the bride and group really were from the DMV, they would've found this post already.

But definitely great entertainment!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the OP is for real. The details keep getting more salacious with each post.

Did you not see her post the pictures of the emails? It’s not that hard to believe people are this inconsiderate

People can fake emails

You sound stupid. Please stop.

I'm convinced this is a troll post. Too many details and very small engagement from the OP. If the bride and group really were from the DMV, they would've found this post already.

But definitely great entertainment!

^^ too many identifiable details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the OP is for real. The details keep getting more salacious with each post.

Did you not see her post the pictures of the emails? It’s not that hard to believe people are this inconsiderate

People can fake emails

You sound stupid. Please stop.

I'm convinced this is a troll post. Too many details and very small engagement from the OP. If the bride and group really were from the DMV, they would've found this post already.

But definitely great entertainment!

Who would troll about bachelorette party??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the OP is for real. The details keep getting more salacious with each post.

Did you not see her post the pictures of the emails? It’s not that hard to believe people are this inconsiderate

+1

I was in a wedding years ago, and the wedding planner seemed to pick the most expensive, inconvenient choice for everything. I can totally believe this happened.

+2

My best friend’s SIL did the exact same thing for her wedding and bachelorette.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:
The DCUM homo sapiens might find these costs typical, but they are astronomical for the rest of our species.

It is not appropriate for the bridal party to expect guests to pay such amounts without a heads-up of the approximate total expenditure beforehand, which was not forthcoming.

OP is well within her rights to say she did not expect the trip to cost this much, request a refund and decline the invitation. She might not get the refund, sadly.

OP SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THIS the moment "4 days in California Wine Country" was on the table. Which was BEFORE she RSVP'd. This is all on her for not having an ounce of common sense. She can back out now, but will rightfully deal with the social consequences, especially if she tries to get her $800 back.

Are you the same person who keeps saying that for 8 pages? No, not everyone is aware of the prices in "Napa Wine Country", how do you not get it??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The DCUM homo sapiens might find these costs typical, but they are astronomical for the rest of our species.

It is not appropriate for the bridal party to expect guests to pay such amounts without a heads-up of the approximate total expenditure beforehand, which was not forthcoming.

OP is well within her rights to say she did not expect the trip to cost this much, request a refund and decline the invitation. She might not get the refund, sadly.

OP SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THIS the moment "4 days in California Wine Country" was on the table. Which was BEFORE she RSVP'd. This is all on her for not having an ounce of common sense. She can back out now, but will rightfully deal with the social consequences, especially if she tries to get her $800 back.

Are you the same person who keeps saying that for 8 pages? No, not everyone is aware of the prices in "Napa Wine Country", how do you not get it??

Precisely. Even if OP did know the driver, private chef, masseuses coming to the house, etc. and it all being last minute =/= the price of wine country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what's the latest? I am unreasonably invested in this.

I told them I was no longer going. The organizer said, “do you want me to still allocate the money you sent towards the event or did you want me to return it to you?”

I told her I wanted the money back yesterday morning to refund me. Later was the bridal shower. She said she saw my text and asked if I needed the money back right away because she paid for the house with my portion but that she’d give it back to me.

-_-

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm curious about the economic/professional status of the organizer, your cousin, and other attendees. Are they wealthy? Advanced in their careers? I'm trying to figure out anyone without significant generational wealth or advanced career status can be so cavalier about bachelorette party expenses.

NP. I once experienced this. The costs as a bridesmaid were getting out of hand (private catered shower cost I could barely afford and didn’t attend because I lived a flight away) and then came the bachelorette party: rental in the Hamptons, dinners out, etc. I realized it would be way over my budget, and paying for the bride to eat every single meal. She wanted to be princess. The costs would be way over the budgets of all these 30yo women. They were all middle class, but wanted to pretend to be rich people who party in the Hamptons. These women live on credit and don’t save much. It’s all Keeping Up with the Joneses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what's the latest? I am unreasonably invested in this.

I told them I was no longer going. The organizer said, “do you want me to still allocate the money you sent towards the event or did you want me to return it to you?”

I told her I wanted the money back yesterday morning to refund me. Later was the bridal shower. She said she saw my text and asked if I needed the money back right away because she paid for the house with my portion but that she’d give it back to me.

-_-

Good. I am glad she acknowledged the need to return it. Now keep following up with her until you get that money back!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm curious about the economic/professional status of the organizer, your cousin, and other attendees. Are they wealthy? Advanced in their careers? I'm trying to figure out anyone without significant generational wealth or advanced career status can be so cavalier about bachelorette party expenses.

NP. I once experienced this. The costs as a bridesmaid were getting out of hand (private catered shower cost I could barely afford and didn’t attend because I lived a flight away) and then came the bachelorette party: rental in the Hamptons, dinners out, etc. I realized it would be way over my budget, and paying for the bride to eat every single meal. She wanted to be princess. The costs would be way over the budgets of all these 30yo women. They were all middle class, but wanted to pretend to be rich people who party in the Hamptons. These women live on credit and don’t save much. It’s all Keeping Up with the Joneses.

It's fascinating to me that any bride who supposedly cares about their friends and family would be okay with this kind of an event. I'm trying to imagine actually going through with something like that - treat me to a meal OR a massage? Ok, fine. Treat me to a whole luxury vacation? I would be mortified they'd even consider it!