Everything was great for 6 months and then family finds out and boom: he ends it. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He must have known about the arranged marriage all along, I’m pretty sure the process took more than four months. It’s just that he couldn’t keep lying to both of you. It must have been hard letting go of his side piece. The text he sent were for his ego or else he would have responded.

It’s sad that men from conservative cultures think that only women from their cultures are worthy of respect and commitment.

He knew he could always do an arranged marriage. He told me when we broke up his family would start looking. My hunch is they started looking as soon as they found out about me in late November so they were probably lining up options while convincing him to break up with me all of December. I think he agreed to pursue it in February. Late Jan he told me he was considering it. In March he said he was probably doing it for sure and it would be accelerated (probably due to his age or to stop the risk of him wanting to get back together with me). They may have started sending him options then. These things can be agreed upon fast. My guess is that an engagement was April or May.

I do not think he knew he was ultimately going to agree to an arranged marriage until he broke up with me. I think it happened fast because I was a threat to the family because I was a problem they had to solve because he said I was his girlfriend and they had to make sure that problem went away and needed to marry him off immediately. He never wanted an arranged marriage before…he told me he could have done it for the past 15 years. But I think he changed his mind when he realized they were not going to accept any other kind of marriage. I think he was super naive about that (I asked on the first few dates if that expectation was over.) He had said he expected backlash about dating me but not that bad. I think it took the reaction to make him finally consider and agree to an arranged marriage. I think he should have done this years ago if he was going to ultimately do it that way.

It is annoying that when he asked me to be his girlfriend in July and he could sense my hesitation, he said this was not just a physical thing for him. He also said (to make me feel okay being exclusive): “let’s enjoy our time together…love and commitment” can come later.

I truly believe he was not thinking of doing an arranged marriage ever. I think their reaction to be changed his mind. He should have known his family better and himself of how he would handle dating an American. I do not think he was lying about his feelings about me…I do not think he would have told them at all about me if they were not real. I think he changed his mind with the pressure. I do not know how he could be happy doing this so fast but who knows…maybe he will be. Not my concern now though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to just drop this guy. Who gives a crap about the rate of divorce amongst arranged marriages. You're not someone who will ever be accepted here and the train is off and rolling for him, fulfilling his familial duty. If this guy were going to buck convention he would have done that. He's not going to, so move on.

I am aware of this. I was just providing an end to the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to just drop this guy. Who gives a crap about the rate of divorce amongst arranged marriages. You're not someone who will ever be accepted here and the train is off and rolling for him, fulfilling his familial duty. If this guy were going to buck convention he would have done that. He's not going to, so move on.

I am aware of this. I was just providing an end to the story.

Except it’s not the end of the story because you are continuing to live in a state of denial with all these proclamations of how things must have gone. You still want to believe that he was telling you the truth all along. You need to accept that this guy’s family wasn’t controlling him. He knew the path he would take and intended to have a little side fun while he got there. You need to accept that he’s been lying to you from the start and there was never going to be a long-term commitment from him.

His new was also someone he most likely has been dating while he was seeing you. The whole arranged marriage topic was just another part of his lies to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to just drop this guy. Who gives a crap about the rate of divorce amongst arranged marriages. You're not someone who will ever be accepted here and the train is off and rolling for him, fulfilling his familial duty. If this guy were going to buck convention he would have done that. He's not going to, so move on.

I am aware of this. I was just providing an end to the story.

Except it’s not the end of the story because you are continuing to live in a state of denial with all these proclamations of how things must have gone. You still want to believe that he was telling you the truth all along. You need to accept that this guy’s family wasn’t controlling him. He knew the path he would take and intended to have a little side fun while he got there. You need to accept that he’s been lying to you from the start and there was never going to be a long-term commitment from him.

His new was also someone he most likely has been dating while he was seeing you. The whole arranged marriage topic was just another part of his lies to you.

The bolded might be true. I do not think he was seeing someone else and me at the same time. I think they lined up options for him as a soon as he said I was his girlfriend though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to just drop this guy. Who gives a crap about the rate of divorce amongst arranged marriages. You're not someone who will ever be accepted here and the train is off and rolling for him, fulfilling his familial duty. If this guy were going to buck convention he would have done that. He's not going to, so move on.

I am aware of this. I was just providing an end to the story.

Except it’s not the end of the story because you are continuing to live in a state of denial with all these proclamations of how things must have gone. You still want to believe that he was telling you the truth all along. You need to accept that this guy’s family wasn’t controlling him. He knew the path he would take and intended to have a little side fun while he got there. You need to accept that he’s been lying to you from the start and there was never going to be a long-term commitment from him.

His new was also someone he most likely has been dating while he was seeing you. The whole arranged marriage topic was just another part of his lies to you.

It’s called closure. OP is permitted some time to allow her mind to close this chapter and make sense of the little time she invested.

[Anonymous]

Living well is the best revenge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to just drop this guy. Who gives a crap about the rate of divorce amongst arranged marriages. You're not someone who will ever be accepted here and the train is off and rolling for him, fulfilling his familial duty. If this guy were going to buck convention he would have done that. He's not going to, so move on.

I am aware of this. I was just providing an end to the story.

PP- "accepted HERE"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to just drop this guy. Who gives a crap about the rate of divorce amongst arranged marriages. You're not someone who will ever be accepted here and the train is off and rolling for him, fulfilling his familial duty. If this guy were going to buck convention he would have done that. He's not going to, so move on.

I am aware of this. I was just providing an end to the story.

Except it’s not the end of the story because you are continuing to live in a state of denial with all these proclamations of how things must have gone. You still want to believe that he was telling you the truth all along. You need to accept that this guy’s family wasn’t controlling him. He knew the path he would take and intended to have a little side fun while he got there. You need to accept that he’s been lying to you from the start and there was never going to be a long-term commitment from him.

His new was also someone he most likely has been dating while he was seeing you. The whole arranged marriage topic was just another part of his lies to you.

It’s called closure. OP is permitted some time to allow her mind to close this chapter and make sense of the little time she invested.

Closure is not living in a state of denial and making up what has been going on is the fault of his family and not the guy. Closure is she now knows he is married and that chapter of her life has been slammed shut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to just drop this guy. Who gives a crap about the rate of divorce amongst arranged marriages. You're not someone who will ever be accepted here and the train is off and rolling for him, fulfilling his familial duty. If this guy were going to buck convention he would have done that. He's not going to, so move on.

I am aware of this. I was just providing an end to the story.

Except it’s not the end of the story because you are continuing to live in a state of denial with all these proclamations of how things must have gone. You still want to believe that he was telling you the truth all along. You need to accept that this guy’s family wasn’t controlling him. He knew the path he would take and intended to have a little side fun while he got there. You need to accept that he’s been lying to you from the start and there was never going to be a long-term commitment from him.

His new was also someone he most likely has been dating while he was seeing you. The whole arranged marriage topic was just another part of his lies to you.

The bolded might be true. I do not think he was seeing someone else and me at the same time. I think they lined up options for him as a soon as he said I was his girlfriend though.

I am sorry OP. I think he lied to you the whole time. He always knew what he was going to do. You are blaming his family because it is easier to accept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to just drop this guy. Who gives a crap about the rate of divorce amongst arranged marriages. You're not someone who will ever be accepted here and the train is off and rolling for him, fulfilling his familial duty. If this guy were going to buck convention he would have done that. He's not going to, so move on.

I am aware of this. I was just providing an end to the story.

Except it’s not the end of the story because you are continuing to live in a state of denial with all these proclamations of how things must have gone. You still want to believe that he was telling you the truth all along. You need to accept that this guy’s family wasn’t controlling him. He knew the path he would take and intended to have a little side fun while he got there. You need to accept that he’s been lying to you from the start and there was never going to be a long-term commitment from him.

His new was also someone he most likely has been dating while he was seeing you. The whole arranged marriage topic was just another part of his lies to you.

It’s called closure. OP is permitted some time to allow her mind to close this chapter and make sense of the little time she invested.

Closure is not living in a state of denial and making up what has been going on is the fault of his family and not the guy. Closure is she now knows he is married and that chapter of her life has been slammed shut.

You keep saying she is in “denial”. Are you OP’s boyfriend’s mother? Because otherwise, you’ve concocted nothing short of a theory or hunch and your digging in here isn’t warranted. She doesn’t have to buy what you’re trying to sell. And honestly, it is a pessimistic view from someone that doesn’t even know the man OP is sharing with random strangers about.

You don’t get to define closure for OP. As much as I know you would love to. It ain’t happenin’ cap’n.

[Anonymous]

*ex-boyfriend, obvs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to just drop this guy. Who gives a crap about the rate of divorce amongst arranged marriages. You're not someone who will ever be accepted here and the train is off and rolling for him, fulfilling his familial duty. If this guy were going to buck convention he would have done that. He's not going to, so move on.

I am aware of this. I was just providing an end to the story.

Except it’s not the end of the story because you are continuing to live in a state of denial with all these proclamations of how things must have gone. You still want to believe that he was telling you the truth all along. You need to accept that this guy’s family wasn’t controlling him. He knew the path he would take and intended to have a little side fun while he got there. You need to accept that he’s been lying to you from the start and there was never going to be a long-term commitment from him.

His new was also someone he most likely has been dating while he was seeing you. The whole arranged marriage topic was just another part of his lies to you.

It’s called closure. OP is permitted some time to allow her mind to close this chapter and make sense of the little time she invested.

Closure is not living in a state of denial and making up what has been going on is the fault of his family and not the guy. Closure is she now knows he is married and that chapter of her life has been slammed shut.

You keep saying she is in “denial”. Are you OP’s boyfriend’s mother? Because otherwise, you’ve concocted nothing short of a theory or hunch and your digging in here isn’t warranted. She doesn’t have to buy what you’re trying to sell. And honestly, it is a pessimistic view from someone that doesn’t even know the man OP is sharing with random strangers about.

You don’t get to define closure for OP. As much as I know you would love to. It ain’t happenin’ cap’n.

Ok OP. You’ve been in denial since Jan and the feedback has been the same.

[Anonymous]

OP - Yes, there could have been deception, but there is no way of knowing anything for sure. Either way, make sure that you stay in a place where your heart is darkened. Throw out the bones, keep the meat from this experience, and I hope the next experience is better for you.

Thank you for updating the thread. A lot of people don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to just drop this guy. Who gives a crap about the rate of divorce amongst arranged marriages. You're not someone who will ever be accepted here and the train is off and rolling for him, fulfilling his familial duty. If this guy were going to buck convention he would have done that. He's not going to, so move on.

I am aware of this. I was just providing an end to the story.

Except it’s not the end of the story because you are continuing to live in a state of denial with all these proclamations of how things must have gone. You still want to believe that he was telling you the truth all along. You need to accept that this guy’s family wasn’t controlling him. He knew the path he would take and intended to have a little side fun while he got there. You need to accept that he’s been lying to you from the start and there was never going to be a long-term commitment from him.

His new was also someone he most likely has been dating while he was seeing you. The whole arranged marriage topic was just another part of his lies to you.

It’s called closure. OP is permitted some time to allow her mind to close this chapter and make sense of the little time she invested.

Closure is not living in a state of denial and making up what has been going on is the fault of his family and not the guy. Closure is she now knows he is married and that chapter of her life has been slammed shut.

You keep saying she is in “denial”. Are you OP’s boyfriend’s mother? Because otherwise, you’ve concocted nothing short of a theory or hunch and your digging in here isn’t warranted. She doesn’t have to buy what you’re trying to sell. And honestly, it is a pessimistic view from someone that doesn’t even know the man OP is sharing with random strangers about.

You don’t get to define closure for OP. As much as I know you would love to. It ain’t happenin’ cap’n.

Ok OP. You’ve been in denial since Jan and the feedback has been the same.

Girl, you trippin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Update: As I mentioned, he and I were talking again late Feb to mid March. He said he wanted to see me and cancelled at the last minute and he said he was probably trying the “arranged marriage thing” because he “would not forgive himself if he did not at this age” but that he was not having a kid right away and “if this does not work, they can never pressure me again.” (The last time I saw him in person was late Jan. a month after the breakup…the entire month of January he was texting me he missed me, was confused and did not want to meet others…but his family was really pressuring him to just hurry up and get married.

He texted asked me a question in late March, I responded, but he never replied. He ignored a text a few weeks later.

I just found a post from his friend on Facebook that he had an arranged marriage last week. It was not on his page, but his friend’s. I am shocked it was so fast. I literally last saw him a little over 4 months ago. I do not know how he could actually be happy but who knows. I wonder if arranged marriages can last and be happy if they are rebounds or primarily done due to family pressure. I felt his feeling were real and he just made the decision to do it their way when he said they would never accept me. But part of me feels lied to (and I asked up front). I do wonder if he will be happy and if this kind of marriage will really work (not that I will ever find out).

So, that is a more recent (and final) update. I am very surprised at the speed.

If you are familiar with his culture then you know that’s not fast for an arranged marriage. I’m so curious why after so many months you are still clearly pining for him when you claim you didn’t want anything serious?