Everything was great for 6 months and then family finds out and boom: he ends it. Advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any update, OP?

He is still in touch. He says he misses me a lot—but his family is on his case and he does not know what to do.

Yeah, this is unworkable. It shouldn’t be this hard. I’m sorry for him that he can’t get out from under his family’s thumb in midlife, but it really shouldn’t be your problem anymore, OP. I’d let go entirely, and if it’s confusing you to stay in touch with him, I’d cut it off. It’s now a no-brainer, and I say that with the full understanding of what he meant to you, and how wonderful your time together was.

OP here. Yes, you and the last poster are right and I know this. I think the next time he reaches out--because I know he will--I am going to have to just say something like "You know I enjoyed our time together and thought there was something that could last a long time, but I can't be in touch anymore if you don't want to resume a relationship. I know you have family pressure and you have to figure out what to do about that."

I have already told him multiple times this issue is not really just about me. He does not know how he should deal with family pressure (if he should just get married to make them happy or not). Not seeing me does not stop their pressure now. I can't wait around for him to figure it out. I think he is keeping me in his orbit because he really does like but does not want to close the door completely. He needs to make a decision about dealing with his family. The fact that he did not deal with this years ago when he was dating an American for years (and he did not tell his parents but siblings knew) is beyond me (and his dad gave his blessing to marry an American. It is just like he has been avoiding an issue that should have been dealt with years ago. What is disappointing is he said early on this had been dealt with--and clearly, that is not true. I would not have pursued it at all if I was not assured by him that he was past this. He is too old to be dealing with this.

YOU are too old to be dealing with this.

You are a single mom. Move on

Yes, I am too old to be dealing with it (but being a mom has nothing to do with that).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever answer if he is Indian?

No. He is not. I answered that early in the thread.

[Anonymous]

Just checking in on you, OP. Did things ever come together again? Is he cut off completely from you now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just checking in on you, OP. Did things ever come together again? Is he cut off completely from you now?

We were talking all of January and saw each other once. Then we did not talk for three weeks. Then we talked again for three weeks straight from late Feb to mid-March (like every day, video calls, texts all day like when we were dating). We made plans to see each other in mid-March. But then right before, he cancelled the meetup. There was a very long two-hour video call about this. He told me he is going to try the arranged marriage thing. (But then he also said he would not have kids right away to make sure it was working and he said that if this does not work, his family can't pressure him ever again...which I thought was bizarre...it is like he is doing this to placate them and it is not truly what he wants...even if he does not want me anymore, it really does not seem like he really wants to have a setup of a marriage either but he just can't handle their pressure...that is my take at least).

He texted two weeks later and I asked a question; I responded, but then I never heard from him again. At this point, we have had no contact for about 2.5 months.
I am not dating now. I’m not over it totally. What is upsetting to me is that he had no business at all dating any American. I literally brought this up on several first dates very directly because I feared this could happen and he assured me family pressure was over and he did not want that traditional setup. Well, apparently, him telling them about me put their pressure into high gear and he can’t buck it. I wish he really understood what was going on when I brought this up early…because I did not want to be in this situation and wanted him to be sure someone like me truly was no longer an issue…that did not turn out to be the case.

I removed him from my phone. Lesson learned: trust my instincts when I feel like a problem might arise despite what people say. He could have gone down this path years ago. I thought it had been decided…but I guess not.

[Anonymous]

Men will say anything to have long or short-term fun with a women, especially the ones from conservative backgrounds. Do you have the same heritage? You may be familiar with his culture but that’s not enough to not be manipulated. Try talking to someone from his culture to get a bit more insight. You’ve already gotten good advice here, and frankly, it doesn’t matter what country he’s from, all you need to know is that he’s not going to fight for you. The fun is over.

You keep on making the bad mistakes after bad mistakes. Time to ask yourself why you’re making these choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men will say anything to have long or short-term fun with a women, especially the ones from conservative backgrounds. Do you have the same heritage? You may be familiar with his culture but that’s not enough to not be manipulated. Try talking to someone from his culture to get a bit more insight. You’ve already gotten good advice here, and frankly, it doesn’t matter what country he’s from, all you need to know is that he’s not going to fight for you. The fun is over.

You keep on making the bad mistakes after bad mistakes. Time to ask yourself why you’re making these choices.

I do not think “I keep making bad mistakes”; there is no big mystery why this happened at all (like I said, I could sense it). I am not looking to remarry. It is just disappointing my boyfriend situation did not last as long as I thought it might. I need someone who thinks like me—long-term monogamy but no cohabitation or marriage. They are out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men will say anything to have long or short-term fun with a women, especially the ones from conservative backgrounds. Do you have the same heritage? You may be familiar with his culture but that’s not enough to not be manipulated. Try talking to someone from his culture to get a bit more insight. You’ve already gotten good advice here, and frankly, it doesn’t matter what country he’s from, all you need to know is that he’s not going to fight for you. The fun is over.

You keep on making the bad mistakes after bad mistakes. Time to ask yourself why you’re making these choices.

I do not think “I keep making bad mistakes”; there is no big mystery why this happened at all (like I said, I could sense it). I am not looking to remarry. It is just disappointing my boyfriend situation did not last as long as I thought it might. I need someone who thinks like me—long-term monogamy but no cohabitation or marriage. They are out there.

Also, he said he was looking for the same thing as me. It did not turn out to be true. He does not have much relationship experience and I attribute what happened mostly to that....most people know themselves—and their families—better by age 40. He said it was not just physical for him but he was not looking for marriage and kids either...until he told his family he had a girlfriend...(me).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men will say anything to have long or short-term fun with a women, especially the ones from conservative backgrounds. Do you have the same heritage? You may be familiar with his culture but that’s not enough to not be manipulated. Try talking to someone from his culture to get a bit more insight. You’ve already gotten good advice here, and frankly, it doesn’t matter what country he’s from, all you need to know is that he’s not going to fight for you. The fun is over.

You keep on making the bad mistakes after bad mistakes. Time to ask yourself why you’re making these choices.

I do not think “I keep making bad mistakes”; there is no big mystery why this happened at all (like I said, I could sense it). I am not looking to remarry. It is just disappointing my boyfriend situation did not last as long as I thought it might. I need someone who thinks like me—long-term monogamy but no cohabitation or marriage. They are out there.

Also, he said he was looking for the same thing as me. It did not turn out to be true. He does not have much relationship experience and I attribute what happened mostly to that....most people know themselves—and their families—better by age 40. He said it was not just physical for him but he was not looking for marriage and kids either...until he told his family he had a girlfriend...(me).

Sounds like he just told you what you wanted to hear. Just be smarter next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men will say anything to have long or short-term fun with a women, especially the ones from conservative backgrounds. Do you have the same heritage? You may be familiar with his culture but that’s not enough to not be manipulated. Try talking to someone from his culture to get a bit more insight. You’ve already gotten good advice here, and frankly, it doesn’t matter what country he’s from, all you need to know is that he’s not going to fight for you. The fun is over.

You keep on making the bad mistakes after bad mistakes. Time to ask yourself why you’re making these choices.

I do not think “I keep making bad mistakes”; there is no big mystery why this happened at all (like I said, I could sense it). I am not looking to remarry. It is just disappointing my boyfriend situation did not last as long as I thought it might. I need someone who thinks like me—long-term monogamy but no cohabitation or marriage. They are out there.

Also, he said he was looking for the same thing as me. It did not turn out to be true. He does not have much relationship experience and I attribute what happened mostly to that....most people know themselves—and their families—better by age 40. He said it was not just physical for him but he was not looking for marriage and kids either...until he told his family he had a girlfriend...(me).

Sounds like he just told you what you wanted to hear. Just be smarter next time.

He would not have told his family if he did not have feelings. My radar is not that off. I think he truly did not know how they would react.

[Anonymous]

Update: As I mentioned, he and I were talking again late Feb to mid March. He said he wanted to see me and cancelled at the last minute and he said he was probably trying the “arranged marriage thing” because he “would not forgive himself if he did not at this age” but that he was not having a kid right away and “if this does not work, they can never pressure me again.” (The last time I saw him in person was late Jan. a month after the breakup…the entire month of January he was texting me he missed me, was confused and did not want to meet others…but his family was really pressuring him to just hurry up and get married.

He texted asked me a question in late March, I responded, but he never replied. He ignored a text a few weeks later.

I just found a post from his friend on Facebook that he had an arranged marriage last week. It was not on his page, but his friend’s. I am shocked it was so fast. I literally last saw him a little over 4 months ago. I do not know how he could actually be happy but who knows. I wonder if arranged marriages can last and be happy if they are rebounds or primarily done due to family pressure. I felt his feeling were real and he just made the decision to do it their way when he said they would never accept me. But part of me feels lied to (and I asked up front). I do wonder if he will be happy and if this kind of marriage will really work (not that I will ever find out).

So, that is a more recent (and final) update. I am very surprised at the speed.

[Anonymous]

He’s a spineless wimp. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I just found a post from his friend on Facebook that he had an arranged marriage last week. It was not on his page, but his friend’s. I am shocked it was so fast. I literally last saw him a little over 4 months ago. I do not know how he could actually be happy but who knows. I wonder if arranged marriages can last and be happy

cultures that have arranged marriages have a MUCH lower rate of divorce. so yes, this will most likely last. often these cultures are more focused on family, kids, society etc vs individualism of western cultures. but are the arranged marriages necessarily happy?

[Anonymous]

Glad you found out now and not another 4mos of wondering later. Sorry it didn’t work out but you have better days ahead.

[Anonymous]

He must have known about the arranged marriage all along, I’m pretty sure the process took more than four months. It’s just that he couldn’t keep lying to both of you. It must have been hard letting go of his side piece. The text he sent were for his ego or else he would have responded.

It’s sad that men from conservative cultures think that only women from their cultures are worthy of respect and commitment.

[Anonymous]

You need to just drop this guy. Who gives a crap about the rate of divorce amongst arranged marriages. You're not someone who will ever be accepted here and the train is off and rolling for him, fulfilling his familial duty. If this guy were going to buck convention he would have done that. He's not going to, so move on.