How To Find A SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 37 and single. I’ve been trying I find a certain type of woman and just haven’t. You can say I’m looking for a 1950’s housewife. I don’t expect a servant or anything like that, but I wanted a woman who wants to stay at home taking care of her kids and husband. I’m looking for a woman who wants to take care of raising the kids and responsibilities of the household, while I work and manage things like finances. Most of the women I meet want to be a SAHM only short-term, or want to be a SAHM but expect the man to be a 50/50 partner in childcare and household responsibilities. I’m looking for a woman who can handle the bulk of it. How do I find a woman like this?

Time travel?

I’m sorry, but in this day and age women can and do change their minds about what they want to do. The days in which being a SAHM was a decent gig are over. Have you ever tried doing the work you want your wife to do? It’s mind numbing, repetitive, and high burnout. Even people who love it and are convinced for religious and social reasons that it’s their destiny really struggle. I think the fact that you are 37 and still haven’t found someone means you might be struggling too. For a relationship to work there has to be a lot of give and take. Coming in with a rigid view of what unpaid job your partner needs to have for the rest of her life for you to be happy is just not a thing any more.

This . The issue isn't wanting a SAHM, the issue OP seeing the wife and kids as props in his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 37 and single. I’ve been trying I find a certain type of woman and just haven’t. You can say I’m looking for a 1950’s housewife. I don’t expect a servant or anything like that, but I wanted a woman who wants to stay at home taking care of her kids and husband. I’m looking for a woman who wants to take care of raising the kids and responsibilities of the household, while I work and manage things like finances. Most of the women I meet want to be a SAHM only short-term, or want to be a SAHM but expect the man to be a 50/50 partner in childcare and household responsibilities. I’m looking for a woman who can handle the bulk of it. How do I find a woman like this?

Time travel?

I’m sorry, but in this day and age women can and do change their minds about what they want to do. The days in which being a SAHM was a decent gig are over. Have you ever tried doing the work you want your wife to do? It’s mind numbing, repetitive, and high burnout. Even people who love it and are convinced for religious and social reasons that it’s their destiny really struggle. I think the fact that you are 37 and still haven’t found someone means you might be struggling too. For a relationship to work there has to be a lot of give and take. Coming in with a rigid view of what unpaid job your partner needs to have for the rest of her life for you to be happy is just not a thing any more.

This . The issue isn't wanting a SAHM, the issue OP seeing the wife and kids as props in his life.

+1 and props can be traded in for the newest model. A smart woman knows this and wouldn't want it for herself or goes into this setup with her eyes wide open and plans her life accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 37 and single. I’ve been trying I find a certain type of woman and just haven’t. You can say I’m looking for a 1950’s housewife. I don’t expect a servant or anything like that, but I wanted a woman who wants to stay at home taking care of her kids and husband. I’m looking for a woman who wants to take care of raising the kids and responsibilities of the household, while I work and manage things like finances. Most of the women I meet want to be a SAHM only short-term, or want to be a SAHM but expect the man to be a 50/50 partner in childcare and household responsibilities. I’m looking for a woman who can handle the bulk of it. How do I find a woman like this?

I am a SAHM, I do the bulk of the child raising and hire out the house cleaning. However, when we were dating, I told my soon to be husband that I would never ever be a SAHP. Life interceded and we have two children with special needs that need more attention than a dual working couple can provide -at least ours. However, I don't think you can count on that happening to you. But, life can throw you curveballs and maybe you would end up easing up on your career do what it takes to raise your children. Once you have children, they are the priority. You are responsible for them. If you can't be flexible, reconsider having children.

I will also add that someone can be the default parent and still work. They may reduce their hours to get the flexibility or SAH for a few years when that doesn't work. The hours may already be excellent for being the default.

My suggestion would be to find a person in a job that generally leads to being a default parent. I have seen teachers, nurses, some CPAs, even lawyers be the default. Plus county, state and federal employees in professional capacities often have options too.

IMO, dual working couples should be the default - and if that doesn't work - then sah/woh can be the fall back situation.

[Anonymous]

Find someone in their late 20s who is open to dating someone a bit older. An 8-10 year age gap isn't creepy and she won't have to rush into getting pregnant. I had my kids when I was 35 and 38, so I'm not one of those "AMA pregnancies are doomed!" types. Just suggesting waiting a couple of years to give you both time to get used to being married.

I see you mentioned later in the thread that you would be OK with spouse having a flexible, lower-stress job. Trust me when I say that often leads to resentment, too. I'm the ex-wife of a high earner who was rarely around. I make 1/4 of what he makes and my day ended at 4 or 430, so I was the default parent. But even the most flexible job, assuming it's full-time, comes with some stressors. Being the one to handle EVERYTHING on the home front -- the appointments, the school things, even handling the outsourcing becomes another item on the to-do list -- is exhausting and can lead to resentment. Especially if the high-earning spouse is prone to checking out, which is a natural reaction to working a lot.

[Anonymous]

Every single elementary school teacher I ever met wants to quit and be a SAHM but is married to someone that doesn't make enough to do this.

So, find a teacher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every single elementary school teacher I ever met wants to quit and be a SAHM but is married to someone that doesn't make enough to do this.

So, find a teacher.

I don't think the issue is OP not being able to find a woman who wants to be a sahm. The issue is that OP wants to find a woman who is willing to BOTH be a sahm AND sign a prenup.

As I stated up thread.. go find a "model" from Slovenia. They seem to have some of these kinds of women there.

[Anonymous]

If you aren't finding who you want it is you who has to change. I know a few men now in their 50s who passed on good women for the kinds of reason you state, fear of gold diggers, high focus on work.They are now lonely and bored and I've gotten too weird or too old to attract a woman of childbearing age. Hey they still have 100% of their businesses, inheritances etc.

[Anonymous]

*they* have gotten..

[Anonymous]

OP, your best option is to go back your exgirlfriend. As you can see the idea of being a SAHM with a prenup would make most women uneasy for good reason.

You said you loved her and you thought she was the one. You even lived together for a year. The only issue was the prenup. Why not buy a ring, tell her you love her. Ask her to marry you. This is what you should have done from the beginning.

(BTW you say you want the type of relationship your parents had. Did they have a prenup? Probably not. It changes the dynamic completely.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your best option is to go back your exgirlfriend. As you can see the idea of being a SAHM with a prenup would make most women uneasy for good reason.

You said you loved her and you thought she was the one. You even lived together for a year. The only issue was the prenup. Why not buy a ring, tell her you love her. Ask her to marry you. This is what you should have done from the beginning.

(BTW you say you want the type of relationship your parents had. Did they have a prenup? Probably not. It changes the dynamic completely.)

Whoa, I missed this. So OP loved her but dumped her because she wouldn't sign a prenup?

OP's got some major issues. He doesn't need a SAHM, he needs therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm what you claim you're looking for. I'm 32, my job isn't a big/high powered one, and if I were to have kids I would want to stay with them.

Why I wouldn't marry you? Your specification that you would handle the finances seems to be designed to keep me in the dark about them. Your placement of your business over a marriage/kids is as much of a dealbreaker for me as a woman who wants to work is for you. The idea that I need to potentially give up on 20+ years of not just salary but experience and I'm "thanked" by it with the assumption that I'm trying to take something from you?

If anyone is the "taker" in this situation, it seems to be you. Your salary is the only thing you have to offer, and you want your spouse to give up so much just for the "privilege" of sharing your salary until you get bored with them.

In the words of Liz Lemon: that's a dealbreaker, ladies.

OP ignored this but now seeing more of his responses this is getting stranger. I'm quoting myself, I have a few million in real estate, and I don't think I'd demand a man sign a prenup. Gross behavior and this sounds mean, but I'm starting to think OP grew up poor.

Poor men who become wealthy are in a weird spot. Most people mate with people who have had similar upbringings, but I don't think OP wants to "settle" for Tina the Hairdresser even though she'd be happy vacuuming all day. He wants a woman "befitting" of his brand new social status, but Victoria from Darien doesn't want to put up with the BS from some guy who thinks 400k is impressive and demands a worker wife and a prenup. He's removing all the benefits of wealth and demanding a LOT.

[Anonymous]

I'm a SAHM married to a high earner. He's in finance and I'm a former elementary school teacher. I do think a lot of teachers want to become SAHMs. We love kids so it makes sense that we'd want to be with our own more.

I do think the prenup is a problem for you though. My husband makes double your salary, we also have a net worth in the millions, but my name is on all of our accounts. There is total financial transparency and I can access everything. In addition, we talk about our financial goals together. I can and do spend money freely with no scrutiny from him. When our kids were little and more labor intensive, he had no problem with me hiring household help (cleaner and part time sitter).

It works for our marriage because he goes out of his way to show that he values what I do for our family and he treats me like an equal partner. I don't think it's a good idea to quit your job if it's going to be otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Op I'm a guy and your post kind of makes sense.. However, like others said.. if you get divorced and your business has grown from $5 mil to $10 mil in value, you think you should be entitled to the initial $5 mil value and you both are entitled to $2.5 mil each?

How would you pay her that $2.5 mil? Sell your company?

[Anonymous]

So I still think OP sounds like a jerk, but some devil’s advocacy: DH has a company. A lot of the value of the company, to his investors, is that he’s running it and they trust him. If we got divorced and suddenly I owned half his share, the company would be worth less to his investors because they don’t trust ME. It would be reasonable, if we got divorced, to structure any settlement so that I didn’t get his share of the company. Is it possible that’s the kind of thing OP is talking about and just coming off baby because he’s a moron?

[Anonymous]

*badly