Reply to Making it work when the wife is the one with the "big job"

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Reply to "Making it work when the wife is the one with the "big job" - s/o today's NY Times article"

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[quote=Anonymous]The point of the article was that both halves of the couple have equal education and earning power, but someone (typically the woman) steps back. OP is saying her DH agreed to step back and then does a shitty job of it. That's not fair. Actual salary has nothing to do with anything, if that is the deal they made. I'm the DW, am the stepped-back spouse who definitely is the default parent, and I earn north of $200k and am not part time. Saying the DH should get a pass just b/c he is also a high earner is nonsense. He agreed to lean out, he needs to actually do the stuff that comes along with that.

OP, if you're still reading, you may just need to have a convo about what is expected of the default parent and what your priorities are as a family. The mental load part is HUGE, but it's also only as big as you define it. It sounds like you have a couple of non-negotiables, like your kid's appointments and medications, but much of the other stuff is negotiable. Kids activities and your social calendar? Meh. If you don't want the stress, don't take it on; and if your DH doesn't value some of this stuff, don't expect him to handle it to your specifications. I have long since stopped expecting help for, say, family holiday cards even though our list includes both of our friends and families. On the flip side, my DH does care a lot about cooking and food and I could barely care less, so he handles that whole area b/c he knows if he didn't, we'd be eating a lot of breakfast-for-dinner. You have to figure out your values as a family and execute accordingly. Don't overreach.

The refusing to go to "mom stuff" is totally different. My DH is completely starry eyed over our daughters and might mention being the only dad but would *never* refuse to go on that basis. This may be indicative of a larger issue that is probably worth discussing btwn you two. Could bring some clarity as to whether he resents his role generally.[/quote]

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