Reply to Making it work when the wife is the one with the "big job"

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Reply to "Making it work when the wife is the one with the "big job" - s/o today's NY Times article"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]PP, why should she do his parenting role, hers as well, AND work full time outside of the home? Just because she’s a woman?[/quote]

DP.

Ask the OP that question. She seems to want her husband to do her parenting role and work full time outside of the home because she makes more money.
[/quote]

50/50 is the default expectation unless both explicitly agree otherwise. For example, OP and her husband mutually agreed to prioritize her significantly higher earning career. Yes, he is a high earner. However, a career that caps out at 200k is not in the same subcategory of high earner as a career that brings 400k a year with the potential for more. He agreed to prioritize her career precisely because it is significantly higher earning.

The only way that she can prioritize her career is if he picks up the slack at home. He agree to this and he's not holding up his end of the bargain.[/quote]

I am sorry, but you and OP are dense. This is not kindergarten where you pinky swear and promise to throw a tantrum if you don't get what you want just the way you want it. The "agreement " is clearly not working for OP. Time to move on.  We have a woman who has a husband making much more than what OP does, and he still gets to do his share of parenting. And that PP is happily married.

OP might want to try that agreement. If that will not do for her, there seems to be an even better way to handle things:  outsource most of the stupid stuff for Pete's sake.

She loves neither herself nor her husband if she spends a second thinking about laundry that he did not do while earning 600K . Ridiculous![/quote]

First, it's one thing if OP's husband sincerely tried to do the primary parent/hh stuff and it just wasn't in his skillset, but that's not the case. OP's husband has openly stated that he wasn't willing to be in charge of kid's stuff and only does hh chores that he likes or if asked (that's not how running a hh works).

It's also not just about laundry. He's embarrassed about being only dad at kid events to the point where he won't take his kids to activities. Also, why is OP the one managing their SN kid's medical issues? That's definitely something that should be in the primary parent's wheelhouse. He's not willing to be the hh manager, he's also not willing to be the primary parent.

Second, the situation with the pp and her high earning dh is not applicable here. If someone tells their spouse who makes 5x more that s/he is still expected to do their 50% at home, then they are, in effect, saying that despite the spouse's significantly higher earnings, their career doesn't have a higher priority. That despite significant disparities in income, both careers have a similar priority in their family. Nothing wrong with that but that's not OP and her's husband's agreement.

Lastly, if my spouse makes an agreement, it's absolutely reasonable for me to expect them to, at least, try to honor that agreement. It would also be absurd for my spouse to not honor their commitment but expect me to honor mine. Remember, OP's dh still wants her to bring in 400K a year but he's just not willing to give her the support necessary to do it.[/quote]

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