My sister is marrying a non-Jew. Help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any religion that instructs you to shun family who are not as devout as you is not a good influence in your life. This is how cults work.

Life is long and varied. You will need to learn how to reconcile your idea of "support" of the way people live who do not follow the same religion as you.

OP sounds so intolerant that I question her core values. The very basis of religion should be to be accepting and decent. OP does not sound like she is either.

[Anonymous]

The very basis of religion should be to be accepting and decent

Unless you think the basis of religion is fulfilling your obligations to god, and that those obligations sometimes don't align with contemporary secular norms of what it means to be accepting and decent.

I think she should go to the wedding. My sister did in similar circumstances, and she kept any judgement she was feeling to herself, and so we still have a relationship. But I also think this lack of any understanding of committed religious observance that asks hard things of you is a major failure of empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any religion that instructs you to shun family who are not as devout as you is not a good influence in your life. This is how cults work.

Life is long and varied. You will need to learn how to reconcile your idea of "support" of the way people live who do not follow the same religion as you.

OP sounds so intolerant that I question her core values. The very basis of religion should be to be accepting and decent. OP does not sound like she is either.

Agree. The whole premise of the thread is sad and I feel sorry for OP’s sister.

[Anonymous]

Seriously? It is your sister! And always be. Why you would not respect her choices. It is not like you are making this choice for her.

[Anonymous]

I (not Jewish) am in an interfaith marriage and my husband's family (Orthodox Jewish) went through much of the hand-wringing you describe. I can't tell you how hurtful it was to us. In the end, everyone came and no one made a stink, and many of the biggest holdouts later confessed they didn't know why they had gotten so worked up, but still. Just the discussions we had leading up to the wedding were so incredibly hurtful that my relationship with my in-laws was forever damaged. So much so that it has driven me further away from accepting Judaism in my life when before I was open to it being a strong part of my new family. Don't do that to your sister. Don't do that to yourself. And most of all, remember that this wedding is NOT ABOUT YOU. That is what I came back to over and over again in our discussions with my husband's family. The wedding was not about them and their feelings about it were irrelevant. Any attempts to make it otherwise is pointless and destructive to all involved. If you love your sister, put her above all else, swallow your pride, shut your mouth, and stand by her side. There is no reason to try and make a point. And what is the point? That your love is conditional?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I (not Jewish) am in an interfaith marriage and my husband's family (Orthodox Jewish) went through much of the hand-wringing you describe. I can't tell you how hurtful it was to us. In the end, everyone came and no one made a stink, and many of the biggest holdouts later confessed they didn't know why they had gotten so worked up, but still. Just the discussions we had leading up to the wedding were so incredibly hurtful that my relationship with my in-laws was forever damaged. So much so that it has driven me further away from accepting Judaism in my life when before I was open to it being a strong part of my new family. Don't do that to your sister. Don't do that to yourself. And most of all, remember that this wedding is NOT ABOUT YOU. That is what I came back to over and over again in our discussions with my husband's family. The wedding was not about them and their feelings about it were irrelevant. Any attempts to make it otherwise is pointless and destructive to all involved. If you love your sister, put her above all else, swallow your pride, shut your mouth, and stand by her side. There is no reason to try and make a point. And what is the point? That your love is conditional?

Your husband comes from an orthodox family and married a non-Jew? I thought that was basically against the rules. You didn’t have to convert? He must have known his family would not approve. I’m sure the relationship between your DH and his family is also damaged. Must be hard for you both.

[Anonymous]

'op, dorry ive hd afew Thrtrd s seeker born every minute.

[Anonymous]

You can go to hell.

[Anonymous]

You should go because that is the Jewish thing to do (we're not Scientologists that disown our family) but you lost your sister. She won't even want to go to Passover Seder at your house because it conflicts with her husband's Easter. My sister and Mom both ended up giving up their religion when they got married and as a result don't want to do much with me anymore -- they hang out with each other and their Church friends -- since so much revolves around holidays. I still see them for birthdays and occasionally other times but that's it.

[Anonymous]

If you let religion break your family apart, then perhaps it is just an excuse. You have probably been wanting to have less contact for a long time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should go because that is the Jewish thing to do (we're not Scientologists that disown our family) but you lost your sister. She won't even want to go to Passover Seder at your house because it conflicts with her husband's Easter. My sister and Mom both ended up giving up their religion when they got married and as a result don't want to do much with me anymore -- they hang out with each other and their Church friends -- since so much revolves around holidays. I still see them for birthdays and occasionally other times but that's it.

I’m sorry that that’s your family’s history.

I’m married to a non-Jew who helps me lead Seder. When our DCs were younger, we’d take them on Easter Egg hunts, but they never interfered with Seder—which is an evening service. When Hanukkah intersects with Christmas, we light the candles AND eat prime rib. My friends who are intermarried are the same way: our family traditions are equal, and we make sure our children have Jewish experiences and education.

Tl;dr: not all intermarried Jews drop Judaism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should go because that is the Jewish thing to do (we're not Scientologists that disown our family) but you lost your sister. She won't even want to go to Passover Seder at your house because it conflicts with her husband's Easter. My sister and Mom both ended up giving up their religion when they got married and as a result don't want to do much with me anymore -- they hang out with each other and their Church friends -- since so much revolves around holidays. I still see them for birthdays and occasionally other times but that's it.

I’m sorry that that’s your family’s history.

I’m married to a non-Jew who helps me lead Seder. When our DCs were younger, we’d take them on Easter Egg hunts, but they never interfered with Seder—which is an evening service. When Hanukkah intersects with Christmas, we light the candles AND eat prime rib. My friends who are intermarried are the same way: our family traditions are equal, and we make sure our children have Jewish experiences and education.

Tl;dr: not all intermarried Jews drop Judaism.

This is lovely but how will your children identify and how will they raise their own children? I’ve made this point before on this thread. I think OP should absolutely support her sister and the choice she’s made but at the same time there is the sad realization that statistics show that her nieces and nephews will not continue to pass Judaism down to their own children.

[Anonymous]

Be tolerant, respectful, MYOB and let other people be happy with their choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should go because that is the Jewish thing to do (we're not Scientologists that disown our family) but you lost your sister. She won't even want to go to Passover Seder at your house because it conflicts with her husband's Easter. My sister and Mom both ended up giving up their religion when they got married and as a result don't want to do much with me anymore -- they hang out with each other and their Church friends -- since so much revolves around holidays. I still see them for birthdays and occasionally other times but that's it.

I’m sorry that that’s your family’s history.

I’m married to a non-Jew who helps me lead Seder. When our DCs were younger, we’d take them on Easter Egg hunts, but they never interfered with Seder—which is an evening service. When Hanukkah intersects with Christmas, we light the candles AND eat prime rib. My friends who are intermarried are the same way: our family traditions are equal, and we make sure our children have Jewish experiences and education.

Tl;dr: not all intermarried Jews drop Judaism.

I am also married to a non-Jew and together we have raised a Jewish child. He isn't "both" but Jewish. Our family calendar is Jewish.

Sure, it is harder to do when the non-Jew is a practicing something else, but if that's the case you should just lament that Judaism didn't resonate for your sister and make your peace with it. She is still the person you loved all these years.

Passover and Easter rarely conflict, and families do change. Can't she come to second seder or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should go because that is the Jewish thing to do (we're not Scientologists that disown our family) but you lost your sister. She won't even want to go to Passover Seder at your house because it conflicts with her husband's Easter. My sister and Mom both ended up giving up their religion when they got married and as a result don't want to do much with me anymore -- they hang out with each other and their Church friends -- since so much revolves around holidays. I still see them for birthdays and occasionally other times but that's it.

I’m sorry that that’s your family’s history.

I’m married to a non-Jew who helps me lead Seder. When our DCs were younger, we’d take them on Easter Egg hunts, but they never interfered with Seder—which is an evening service. When Hanukkah intersects with Christmas, we light the candles AND eat prime rib. My friends who are intermarried are the same way: our family traditions are equal, and we make sure our children have Jewish experiences and education.

Tl;dr: not all intermarried Jews drop Judaism.

This is lovely but how will your children identify and how will they raise their own children? I’ve made this point before on this thread. I think OP should absolutely support her sister and the choice she’s made but at the same time there is the sad realization that statistics show that her nieces and nephews will not continue to pass Judaism down to their own children.

Well, if Judaism isn't good enough for us to pass it on successfully, we have bigger problems than a sister marrying out of the tribe.

My kid, the product of an interfaith marriage, is most certainly Jewish. Whether he passes it on is up to him and the person he marries. The last generation has seen a shift among our treatment of the interfaith couples. Since Reform and Conservatives don't ostracize them as was done in the past we should expect more of their children to raise Jewish kids, too.