My sister is marrying a non-Jew. Help?

[Anonymous]

Hey everyone. So, my sister and I were raised reform, but I got into orthodoxy in college, while she went the other way and dropped it. She's been dating a guy for a while and they got engaged. While my sister and I have a close relationship, I still have qualms about this. Obviously, I want her to be happy, but I'm disappointed at her violation of halacha and throwing away the potential happiness that comes with having a Jewish family.

While it is understandable that she would marry a non-Jew given that she has no connection, I still am not really behind it. The biggest issue (logistically at least) is if I should go to the wedding. I'll need to come back from yeshiva in Israel, to attend an intermarriage wedding, which doesn't seem right to me. It most likely wouldn't be in a church or reform shul, so no problem with that. The problem is my idealogical stance of coming or not.

Obviously, the expected thing (from my family and sister) is that I come and support her. The straightforward halachic thing would be to not go, so as to not show support for intermarriage. However, doing this would cause problems with my sister, and maybe with the rest of my family (which I don't think is worth the one awkward weekend).

tl;dr I am a BT, sister is an atheist. Sister getting married to non-Jew. Should I go to the wedding?

(Disclaimer: I plan to talk to my FLORAs for guidance, but am interested in the perspective of everyone here)

[Anonymous]

Go to the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Not acceptable. Don’t go to the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Of course you go!

[Anonymous]

Grow up? Suck it up? And go to the wedding

[Anonymous]

Oh lord. Wow.

Your sister and her husband can achieve just as much happiness in an interfaith household as they could if they were both orthodox Jews. That is also true if they were both atheists.

You sound incredibly intolerant.

- Reform Jew who married a Jew who was raised Conservative. We are cultural Jews who plan to have our daughter go through Hebrew school to learn about her family history and culture more than anything else.

Also, my mom is Catholic and dad is Jewish, so I guess you also have ideological problems with my parent's marriage and my entire upbringing which was--newsflash!--quite happy.

[Anonymous]

Not sure why someone who is “into orthodoxy” would want the opinion of a bunch of outsiders, but you should go to the wedding.

Your sister could also post about how your decision to move from reform to orthodoxy also caused a rift in your family. It’s obvious that you feel superior to her so perhaps you should also consider the issues your decisions have caused.

[Anonymous]

100% go if you ever want to have a friendship with your sister for the rest of your life. And I say this as a religious person. You can't choose other's lives for them. Stay close to her. You never know what may happen or how her children might feel about religion.

[Anonymous]

Go to the wedding.

[Anonymous]

From a practical standpoint: I suppose you would prefer that any children at least learn about their Jewish heritage and even become observant. What do you think would be more likely to encourage that: Your maintaining a positive relationship with your sister, acknowledging each other's religious (or nonreligious) decisions, even as you differ, or shunning her completely?

[Anonymous]

Your decision isn’t going to change her mind about marrying this man, so what do you hope to achieve? Would a lifelong rift with your sister and maybe your family be worth you taking a stand on something that you can’t change? That’s what it boils down to.

[Anonymous]

I think you regret not going. You can be religious and still accept those that are not. Plus this is NOT about YOU.

[Anonymous]

Any religion that instructs you to shun family who are not as devout as you is not a good influence in your life. This is how cults work.

Life is long and varied. You will need to learn how to reconcile your idea of "support" of the way people live who do not follow the same religion as you.

[Anonymous]

People here will tell you to go to the wedding. If you skip the wedding, you are essentially rejecting and shunning her, and possibly ending the relationship.

I actually have some sympathies for your position. But at the same time, I would suggest that shunning her will only drive her farther away from Judaism, not closer. I personally think it’s better to maintain the relationship, and be available as a resource if she chooses to get closer to her faith down the road. In my experience, after marriage and children, people often develop an interest in their original religion and return to it. If you maintain your relationship with her, you will allow her to continue to see the good side of a faithful life. Cutting her out will only reinforce the negative aspects. Just a few thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any religion that instructs you to shun family who are not as devout as you is not a good influence in your life. This is how cults work.

Life is long and varied. You will need to learn how to reconcile your idea of "support" of the way people live who do not follow the same religion as you.

Like most orthodox versions of religions, Orthodox Judaism gets pretty cultish at times. Seems like OP has really drunk the Kool-Aid.