My sister is marrying a non-Jew. Help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In all of these interfaith marriages where the children are being raised Jewish - and it is stated in such an adamant way - there is a partner who has given something up. On the other side of the coin there are non-Jewish families who might be sad about their traditions and religion not being passed down. But obviously it would be in appropriate to say such a thing.

The loss of tradition happens also when families are of the same religion
People become less religious over time, might choose to not have children, move away from their home town, get tired of the gossip, not feel at home in the old scene

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all of these interfaith marriages where the children are being raised Jewish - and it is stated in such an adamant way - there is a partner who has given something up. On the other side of the coin there are non-Jewish families who might be sad about their traditions and religion not being passed down. But obviously it would be in appropriate to say such a thing.

The loss of tradition happens also when families are of the same religion
People become less religious over time, might choose to not have children, move away from their home town, get tired of the gossip, not feel at home in the old scene

? So you’re saying because there’s loss over there, it’s ok to minimize the loss over here? If I lose my house keys, that’s ok, because people lose their house keys all the time and at least my car wasn’t stolen. Um, thanks for that input.

[Anonymous]

I have two cousins who were raised Jewish (their mom, Jewish, married my uncle, non-Jewish). My elder cousin identifies strongly as Jewish - she was president of her college’s Hillel and worked on a kibbutz in Israel. So don’t despair, if this is your main concern, OP, that the family “won’t be Jewish.”

All of that said- it’s your sister! Of course you should go to the wedding.

[Anonymous]

^^PP here just realizing this sort of thing is already being argued. For his case, my uncle didn’t give anything up religiously or culturally, not really. My grandmother had everyone go to church growing up but my dad and all of his siblings are pretty straightforward atheists. Jewish identity, more than anything, was important to my aunt and my uncle was happy to facilitate that in how they raised their kids. It’s matrilineal, after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all of these interfaith marriages where the children are being raised Jewish - and it is stated in such an adamant way - there is a partner who has given something up. On the other side of the coin there are non-Jewish families who might be sad about their traditions and religion not being passed down. But obviously it would be in appropriate to say such a thing.

The loss of tradition happens also when families are of the same religion
People become less religious over time, might choose to not have children, move away from their home town, get tired of the gossip, not feel at home in the old scene

? So you’re saying because there’s loss over there, it’s ok to minimize the loss over here? If I lose my house keys, that’s ok, because people lose their house keys all the time and at least my car wasn’t stolen. Um, thanks for that input.

Be nice
Weddings are happy occasions
You loose nothing
If loss happens later, over time, deal with that then

[Anonymous]

I know we're talking big picture here like losing Jewishness, etc. For me, I'd be terrified of losing my sister. Not attending a wedding could damage the relationship forever, and that would break my heart. OP, wouldn't it break your heart, or are your religious beliefs more important than the relationship? I would rather have my sister go down a life path I didn't approve of than not have my sister at all...

[Anonymous]

If you bond with your sister is strong, not going to her wedding will not break it. Just as if you were marrying into a haredi sect or a cult, and she didn't agree with it and wouldn't go, you wouldn't disown her. It's one day, and chances are, the marriage (like most most) will not last, anyway. People getting married ALSO need to realize "not everything is about them." It's not JUST their day. It's a life cycle event which if not includes implicates many social groups. Folks, including family members, are free to go (or not go) or approve of (or not approve of) various choices the to-be-wedded couple makes.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, but in your version of Judaism do you all live in the same house and have sex with your sister's husband?

No? Then STFU and go to the wedding.

[Anonymous]

When charity and tolerance go out the window, it’s time to step back and question how you’re interpreting your religion. I’m all for religion, but not when it causes people to shun others.

[Anonymous]

This is why I chose to say yes when my then catholic boyfriend asked me THE question. We are both on the same religion train.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey everyone. So, my sister and I were raised reform, but I got into orthodoxy in college, while she went the other way and dropped it. She's been dating a guy for a while and they got engaged. While my sister and I have a close relationship, I still have qualms about this. Obviously, I want her to be happy, but I'm disappointed at her violation of halacha and throwing away the potential happiness that comes with having a Jewish family.

While it is understandable that she would marry a non-Jew given that she has no connection, I still am not really behind it. The biggest issue (logistically at least) is if I should go to the wedding. I'll need to come back from yeshiva in Israel, to attend an intermarriage wedding, which doesn't seem right to me. It most likely wouldn't be in a church or reform shul, so no problem with that. The problem is my idealogical stance of coming or not.

Obviously, the expected thing (from my family and sister) is that I come and support her. The straightforward halachic thing would be to not go, so as to not show support for intermarriage. However, doing this would cause problems with my sister, and maybe with the rest of my family (which I don't think is worth the one awkward weekend).

tl;dr I am a BT, sister is an atheist. Sister getting married to non-Jew. Should I go to the wedding?

(Disclaimer: I plan to talk to my FLORAs for guidance, but am interested in the perspective of everyone here)

If you want to have a relationship with your sister and her children in the future, you go to the wedding. I will give you an example from my family (Conservative Jews for generations). When my uncle announced he was marrying a lapsed Catholic, my grandmother cried for days. She refused to go to the wedding. My grandfather literally dragged her there, telling her that if she did not go she would never know her grandchildren.

40 years later, my grandmother says that refusing to go was one of the worst and most foolish acts of her life and that she regrets doing so. She says she is very fortunate that my uncle and his wife forgave her and didn't hold it against her. She is very close to my aunt and to my cousins, her grandchildren. Of course she wishes they had been raised more Jewish (they did go to Hebrew school but are not halachically Jewish, obviously, and one has intermarried as an adult). But the most important thing is the relationship. My grandparents are the matriarch and patriarch of a clan that includes their 3 children, 6 grandchildren and inlaws, and 10 great-grandchildren and an 11th on the way! We are all close and get together at least twice a year, traveling from all over the country to do so. Think what would have been jeopardized if Bubbie had refused to go to the wedding and had broken the family that way.

Unless there is abuse or severe dysfunction, family is always the most important thing. Always. You do not have to agree with your sister's choices but it is not up to you to sanction the marriage. Leave that to G-d. Go the wedding, keep your mouth shut, and accept that people make different choices and love is more important than religious observance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sarah Silverman is an atheist and her sister is a rabbi and they have a great relationship. I think Jesus would go to the wedding and he was a pretty good Jew.

Modern Jews don't exactly measure "good Judaism" against a standard set by Jesus. Just saying.

(I have a friend who says stuff like this too. I am not easily offended and I am not confrontational so the last time she said it I bit my tongue, but damn, that is offensive.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you bond with your sister is strong, not going to her wedding will not break it. Just as if you were marrying into a haredi sect or a cult, and she didn't agree with it and wouldn't go, you wouldn't disown her. It's one day, and chances are, the marriage (like most most) will not last, anyway. People getting married ALSO need to realize "not everything is about them." It's not JUST their day. It's a life cycle event which if not includes implicates many social groups. Folks, including family members, are free to go (or not go) or approve of (or not approve of) various choices the to-be-wedded couple makes.

What? I do think that a couple's wedding is absolutely all about them. It is their day and the life-cycle event should focus on their union, their dreams and their choices.

Shifting to another note, I know first hand and with absolution what the fallout is from having one's sibling not attend their wedding due to the sibling's religious-based objections. My brother declined to be present at my wedding due to my marrying a man outside of our faith. The result three decades later is that I still feel that rejection acutely; that my brother does not accept me and my husband and from the beginning could not show support for the life we have built. It has been one of the most painful realizations of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you bond with your sister is strong, not going to her wedding will not break it. Just as if you were marrying into a haredi sect or a cult, and she didn't agree with it and wouldn't go, you wouldn't disown her. It's one day, and chances are, the marriage (like most most) will not last, anyway. People getting married ALSO need to realize "not everything is about them." It's not JUST their day. It's a life cycle event which if not includes implicates many social groups. Folks, including family members, are free to go (or not go) or approve of (or not approve of) various choices the to-be-wedded couple makes.

What? I do think that a couple's wedding is absolutely all about them. It is their day and the life-cycle event should focus on their union, their dreams and their choices.

Shifting to another note, I know first hand and with absolution what the fallout is from having one's sibling not attend their wedding due to the sibling's religious-based objections. My brother declined to be present at my wedding due to my marrying a man outside of our faith. The result three decades later is that I still feel that rejection acutely; that my brother does not accept me and my husband and from the beginning could not show support for the life we have built. It has been one of the most painful realizations of my life.

Different PP and I disagree. For many -- certainly for my family -- a marriage is not just the union of the couple, but of the families.

That said, I agree with you that failure to attend a wedding due to religious objections is very likely to destroy a relationship. I also don't think it's worth it, as your experience attests. The OP can disapprove all she wants but she should still go (and not say anything).

[Anonymous]

No, the wedding is not ALL about the couple getting married. Witness all of the narcissistic doing destination weddings in far-flung locales that they are elderly relatives can't go to, or expect mommy and daddy to pay for a Kardashian-style fete without capital contributions form bridge and groom. If bridge/groom really would hold someone not attending their wedding against them for life and consider the relationship ruined - they probably have some serious character defects themselves. Families love each other unconditionally - not going to a wedding shouldn't change that.