Honestly interested in sending child away

[Anonymous]

OP, I have nothing to add except to say: hang in there and ignore these hideous comments from anonymous strangers on the internet. I never cease to be amazed by how terrible people become when they are sheltered by anonymity. It does not strike me as horrible to investigate a boarding school if that is what is best for your family. Being a parent to any kid, but especially a SN kid, is incredibly difficult; sometimes the best thing you can do is acknowledge what you can't do, and to find the right resources, even if they are somewhere other than at home. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure that she doesn't have another diagnosis along with those two? My son has ADHD and dyslexia, is unmedicated, and hasn't behaved this way since he was 5 or 6. I've been working with him for years to help him manage the ADHD. He's 12, and if you didn't know of his diagnosis, you would have no idea that he has it. I just used what I have taught myself throughout my life as someone with unmedicated ADHD, and it has worked amazingly well. His ADHD was diagnosed as severe at age 5, as was his dyslexia. He is definitely a success story, but it took a lot of work on my part to get him to where he is today. He would not have been allowed to have a meltdown at that age. There were always consequences to his behavior, because he's never been allowed to use his diagnosis as an excuse or as a crutch. Sending your child away is just an excuse for not having to do the hard work required to make them successful in life.

What do you mean that he would "not have been allowed to have a meltdown"?

Yeah, I'm wondering about that as well as how she made her DS successful in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would look at the special diet the PP mentioned to see if sugar could be a cause of the issue. Try that route, with purpose, to see if you can move the needle.

If you have no success, and you honestly feel you have tried every avenue, then sending your DD to a therapeutic boarding school at age 12 would seem to be a reasonable option.

Our oldest DS has been difficult since infancy, but not on the scale of your DD. He is not a bad person, but he is a difficult person and has few friends. Now that he is away at college, our family life is just so much easier. I frankly dread when he comes home, even though I love him. He's 20 now and I really do believe he will just be like this for life. DH has a similar younger brother who still lives at home at age 46. This is honestly my nightmare and I can appreciate where you are coming from. I feel strongly that genetics plays a role in situations like these. Please do not blame yourself, because there are some things that are beyond us as parents.

If there had been a good, safe option for our oldest DS, I might have sent him to boarding school - when factoring in our younger children. They lost a lot of their childhood dealing with the situation created by our oldest DS.

wtf. do you idiots actually think the answer here is "cut out sugar! if that doesn't work, boarding school!"

let me put this on 11 for you: SUGAR HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

Why are you so invested in saying that a diet will have no effect? The OP has said that she's at the end of her rope and has tried a bunch of stuff, but hasn't tried a restricted diet yet. Why wouldn't you encourage her to at least try it, since it has helped several families on this thread? It's a few weeks, and she has everything to gain and nothing to lose.

[Anonymous]

OP, many thoughts went through my head as I read this.

She's not smart, she's not good at anything. She has dyslexia--way to not look smart fast. Most public schools here are terrible at remediating. What have you done for this (you mention a tutor for executive function but not for dyslexia)? Ditto with dyscalculia. She needs a place that will really work on those so she can start rebuilding what must be really devastated self-esteem.

Meltdowns--well pretty familiar with that. Puberty can play a role, but anxiety could be a factor as well. I personally was pretty shocked when a psychiatrist pinpointed severe anxiety as the source of my DD's meltdowns. She unfortunately was resistant to six different SSRIs and we had to go to heavier duty drugs for a while.

I'd be willing to listen to the sugar blasters, but it is more important that she get a really thorough physical to see if there is a medical problem. So many times, medical causes are completely overlooked as everyone leaps immediately to psychological causes.

Haven't read the Your Teen is Crazy book, but from what people have said elsewhere on this forum, it sounds like it would be really useful for you.

I also think you need to realize that when trying to change your kid's behavior isn't working, it's time for you to change your behavior, which is far more likely to be successful. I read up on validation and it made a huge difference. There was a thread here on this you might find helpful. http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/478538.page

The idea of sending your child is not terrible, but you are not in the right place now to do it for the right reasons. If you do send her away, it should be to provide the intensive help she needs for her dyslexia and dyscalculia, combined with structure for her ADHD, not to get her out of your hair.

As it happens there is a boarding school in Virginia, Oakland that would seem to meet these criteria and takes kids up to age 13. No personal knowledge, but reviews seem positive. They do not take behavioral problems, but if you DD is fine behaviorally in school, it could work.

As someone who did lots of research on things like wilderness camps and RTC, I would say be very, very careful about these types of places. If the child can do a regular boarding school that would be a far better choice.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, my DS has ADHD and is eleven. The hormones are doing a number- more opposition, less self control. Honestly, from your description, if you can swing a good boarding school it might not be a bad idea.

I have a friend whose daughter has ADHD + anxiety. Her behavior, constant need for attention, prolonged fits, has ruined family life for her siblings. She has been constantly accommodated because not doing so results in household turmoil that takes over everything for literally hours. A boarding school would have been a good choice for everyone.

I’m not saying it to be mean- it just isn’t fair to family that one person dominates everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a child that will be 11 in a few weeks. The following is honest sharing and I appreciate not being judged for it.

My child is not smart. She’s not good at anything. She has no interests. She is obsessed with sugar. She screams and loses her mind with us all the time.

We have tried meds, therapy groups, private school, executive function tutors...nothing works.

She refuses to accept blame and is only obsessed with blaming others for “making” her upset.

Example: she was losing her mind at the mall because I told her no when she asked for ice cream. She proceeded to scream and me the entire way to the car. Rather than put her little brother in the car with her screaming (again) I said she could calm down in the car and we would wait outside it.

A friend of hers from school and her parents drove by us and stopped to say hello. And heard her screaming. I told them she was having a meltdown.

She realized what was happening and freaked out because I told on her. Not that the only reason the whole situation existed was because of her choices.

Can a kid just be a bad person beyond repair?

We just want her out of our lives.

I think it’s okay that you told her friend she was having a meltdown- unless she is completely unable to control herself, she is responsible for her behavior. If she doesn’t want to feel embarrassed, don’t act out in embarrassing ways. Your daughter was in the car screaming and I assume could be heard - the only explanation that works in that kind of situation is the truth.

[Anonymous]

"We just want her out of our lives."

SINFUL to think, MORTAL SIN to post on a message board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"We just want her out of our lives."

SINFUL to think, MORTAL SIN to post on a message board.

As a parent of a SN child, I think there comes a point where this goes through a lot of our heads especially with the stress and extra challenges our kids have. OP, you're not the only one to think this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"We just want her out of our lives."

SINFUL to think, MORTAL SIN to post on a message board.

[b]

Go thump your bible somewhere else.

Op- I hear you and hope you are able to come to a decision that works for your family. Personally I would send her away to get help and give your family a break. Life is too short to be miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I assure you this isn’t a troll post.

Your last line - that you just want her out of your lives - is heartbreaking. Your poor daughter. If her family doesn’t love her then who will? But at the same time, I’m sure it’s incredibky difficult. You need a new approach.

FFS! Of course OP needs a new approach! Why do you think she's posting? What have you contributed to the discussion? Nothing! And, OP never said she didn't love her DD. Clearly, you've not been through anything like this because the twister is that you DO love your child even if you don't like her. If you didn't love her, it would be so much easier to make decisions.

Point taken. I’ve now read the whole thread and understand better what OP is going through, and what she was communicating. Perhaps her post struck a nerve because I’ve had my moments with my own kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I assure you this isn’t a troll post.

Your last line - that you just want her out of your lives - is heartbreaking. Your poor daughter. If her family doesn’t love her then who will? But at the same time, I’m sure it’s incredibky difficult. You need a new approach.

FFS! Of course OP needs a new approach! Why do you think she's posting? What have you contributed to the discussion? Nothing! And, OP never said she didn't love her DD. Clearly, you've not been through anything like this because the twister is that you DO love your child even if you don't like her. If you didn't love her, it would be so much easier to make decisions.

Point taken. I’ve now read the whole thread and understand better what OP is going through, and what she was communicating. Perhaps her post struck a nerve because I’ve had my moments with my own kid.

New poster. I think it's very jarring to read that a parent just wants a child out of her family. That's very strong.

[Anonymous]

That is the problem with our society. Women must handle everything and they are not allowed to express honest, unsanitized feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I assure you this isn’t a troll post.

Your last line - that you just want her out of your lives - is heartbreaking. Your poor daughter. If her family doesn’t love her then who will? But at the same time, I’m sure it’s incredibky difficult. You need a new approach.

FFS! Of course OP needs a new approach! Why do you think she's posting? What have you contributed to the discussion? Nothing! And, OP never said she didn't love her DD. Clearly, you've not been through anything like this because the twister is that you DO love your child even if you don't like her. If you didn't love her, it would be so much easier to make decisions.

Point taken. I’ve now read the whole thread and understand better what OP is going through, and what she was communicating. Perhaps her post struck a nerve because I’ve had my moments with my own kid.

New poster. I think it's very jarring to read that a parent just wants a child out of her family. That's very strong.

After the childhood this kid has had with these people, I would predict that she will soon very strongly feel the same way. Poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is the problem with our society. Women must handle everything and they are not allowed to express honest, unsanitized feelings.

Yes - the problem with our society is that being a caring, unselfish , responsible adult is too much to bear.
Right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I assure you this isn’t a troll post.

Your last line - that you just want her out of your lives - is heartbreaking. Your poor daughter. If her family doesn’t love her then who will? But at the same time, I’m sure it’s incredibky difficult. You need a new approach.

FFS! Of course OP needs a new approach! Why do you think she's posting? What have you contributed to the discussion? Nothing! And, OP never said she didn't love her DD. Clearly, you've not been through anything like this because the twister is that you DO love your child even if you don't like her. If you didn't love her, it would be so much easier to make decisions.

Point taken. I’ve now read the whole thread and understand better what OP is going through, and what she was communicating. Perhaps her post struck a nerve because I’ve had my moments with my own kid.

New poster. I think it's very jarring to read that a parent just wants a child out of her family. That's very strong.

EXACTLY. So stop and think
How bad a place OP must be in to think it and try to extend empathy, not judgment.