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[quote=Anonymous]I've just read all the prior posts, and I have mixed feelings on all of this.  OP, i would be grateful that you can take care of yourself.  Your mom may feel some responsibility for your sister's past mistakes or she just feels like she needs to "rescue" her poorer child.  It may not be "fair" but don't let this eat you up.

I have definitely been in your shoes.  I grew up with two brothers.

My oldest brother was always given everything (expensive private summer camps, IBM PC when they first cost $5000, expensive 2nd rate private college (pitched a fit when parents suggested higher ranked state school)).  He had the largest chip on his shoulder b/c as the 2nd sibling I excelled in school (tops schools, top grades) while he was pretty average.  It came to a head when I saw a summer associate at biglaw and he was barely making $40K as an assistant district attorney.  The fact that my starting salary would end up being more than 3x his consumed him with immense jealousy and he directed a lot of hate at me for a number of years.

My mom always blamed herself for her two sons' lack of academic success and was constantly trying to overcompensate for this whenever she could (e.g., sending him to expensive private school $5k in the late 80s but refusing to send me to a school trip for $120; parents would only give me $800 for a lap top (this is in the 90s when most of them cost more than $2000)). This is not to say that I wasn't better off than most of my friends but it's always the differences in the way we were treated among my siblings that caused a lot of emotional scars.  Kids know when they are the favorites and both my brothers would rub this in my face throughout my entire childhood.

Before my mom died (she passed away during my 1st year in biglaw), she thought I was "set" and that my oldest brother would never make more than $40K and so she paid off a large portion of his law school loans.  Being the middle child, I always had an older or younger brother in college or grad school while I was attending school.  My parents told me to take out all the loans I could and would help me later.  My mom died just as I had developed full blown carpal tunnel from long hours at the firm.  I ended up leaving biglaw and took a 50% pay cut.  I had 17 separate loans for some college, a masters and law school.

Before I got the new job that was better for my health, I was unemployed for about 5 months, during that time my dad gave me about 1/3 of my loan balance, some of which I used to live off of to get my health back and then get a new job.  When I approached him later for the remaining balance, he refused and then said he was strapped b/c of my younger brother. (I understand the feeling of resentment that others whose siblings got more help from their parents have felt at times.)  Fortunately, I have a good salary now and a flexible job that allows me plenty of time to spend with my 2 young kids.  My DH is pretty frugal, and we have a great home in a great school district.

My older brother makes more than me now, and with his wife's salary, I would guess they make at least $500K if not more.  The funny thing is that they have lived in NYC for the last decade (granted their salaries weren't always this high) and do not own a place.  I know they are angry that my dad wouldn't help them when they first moved to NYC.  (They never told me this, but my dad told me they wrote a letter asking my dad for six figures toward purchasing a place. I was stunned b/c at that time my brother was making at least $150K and his wife even more as a banker).  They complain how expensive housing is, yet they drive a luxury automobile and buy many expensive things (e.g., jewelry, watches, purses, country clubs, vacations, etc.).

My youngest brother is the biggest f-up.  He was so enabled by my mom while she was alive that he never finished a single thing in this life.  My parents paid six figures in college tuition, and he never finished anything he ever started.  He gambled, did recreational drugs, spent time in prison, and wracked up more than six figures of debt that my parents paid off. My dad helped him until he was about 35, before finally cutting him off.  He is now homeless, and does not appear to have taken any responsibility for his life.

I guess now that I am a mom, I understand that it's not easy for parents to do everything equally.  I think it's more important that kids know their parents love them all the same.  In my case, that was the most traumatic part of my childhood, but it did motivate me at a very early age to try my hardest b/c I knew I would have to support myself.  The other thing that my parents did very poorly was to keep a lot of secrets about money.  I do think it's better not to need parental help b/c I see just how dissatisfied my older brother and his wife are even with such large amounts of money.  The extreme example is my younger brother who is almost 40 and has been a complete train wreck.  It is scary just how entitled he was throughout his entire young adulthood.

i agree with the approach of the previous poster whose parents did not bail out the younger brother.  Kids need to fail when they are younger so they develop the tools to pull themselves up.  If someone tries his hardest and still fails, then helping that person out isn't really enabling.  Everyone needs help now and then.  I really hope that I am able to resist my parental urge to help my kids too much when they are young, so I can raise independent, capable children.[/quote]

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