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I'm making a choice that could break my family apart.
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Anonymous
No one said it gives her license. She's wrong. Of course she's wrong. Are you happy now? Would it make you feel better to curse her out? Because I don't feel good about cursing out a person who's in a ton of obvious pain, no matter how "wrong" they are in their actions. OP is a kind person, and isn't going to feel good about that either. SIL is behaving horribly, of course, and no she's not "entitled" to do that. But I just couldn't muster anger at a person who's in that much pain. |
Anonymous
The OP has stated they were doing that already. I don't see why, how or where this is the OPs fault. |
Anonymous
I don't think it was a bad thing to offer. I think it would have been smarter to talk with just her, without BIL there, first. But hindsight is 20/20 of course. You were coming from a very kind and generous place. But it's time to accept that she doesn't want this. |
Anonymous
I don't think your offer in and of itself is bad (very generous, actually), but it may sting her that you can so seemingly casually take your fertility and bestow upon her what she so very much wants. Clearly it's something about YOU that makes her lose the plot, assuming she legitimately and genuinely does want a surrogate. I'm not saying this to be mean to you; like I said, it's something that's really generous of you to offer and do. She obviously had some sort of visceral issue with you being the surrogate. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
Its been said several times by OP that SIL was pushing for surrogacy and wanted this but couldn't afford it. |
Anonymous
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OP, please ignore the vitriol on this site. There are a lot of unhappy woman here that get their jollies by beating up n others when they are down. You made a tremendously kind offer born of love. You are not responsible for how someone reacts to that offer. I wish my family was half as loving and giving. Be well. |
Anonymous
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OP here, I just want to clarify something. They lost their baby at 34 weeks, 7 years ago and while I know the pain will always be there I want to make it clear that I did not offer surrogacy to someone who had just suffered through such a loss.
She is now telling everyone on social media that she is going to be a mother and I am going to be her surrogate. I don't even know what to do at this point. Thank goodness I can talk here, I don't want to bother DH at work. |
Anonymous
I'm not saying SIL hasn't said she wants a surrogate, but who knows if deep down she really wanted one, you know? Maybe she didn't really want it and was using finances as her out. Then when BIL accepted the offer without discussing with SIL, she flipped out because it made it an attainable possibility. |
Anonymous
It's not necessarily entitlement, it's blind pain manifested in rage that she is directing towards the OP. I would not do this, never in a milion years and I have dealt with infertility and loss. SIL needs to be in a lot of counseling. At this point, it does not even sound like she is of enough sound mind to even be a parent. I feel sorry for her. |
Anonymous
+1 I think a lot of the rude posts towards the OP are being made by women who are themselves infertile and are projecting. |
Anonymous
And this is OPs fault how? Also OP has stated ad nauseam that SIL was desperate for a surrogate and the money to fund it - why is this so hard for people to understand. |
Anonymous
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OP,
That she is now harassing your MIL over this as well via Facebook is yet another sign that she is off her rocker. I sympathize with her being unstable and incredibly damaged. But your offer was totally kind and loving. Your SIL has been ruined by her infertility, and, unfortunately, she is taking down what's left of her possible happiness. I don't see any way her relationship with you, with her in-laws, or even with her husband will ever be the same after this. It is not your fault -- at all. But under no circumstances should you do this. It is over. And with that, her dreams of having a family and, quite possibly her marriage are over too. Explain that her terms are not realistic, and you did not realize previously the level of resentment and vitriol she had towards you. Given that, the surrogacy is simply impossible. You wish her all the best of luck in her pursuit, and love her and her husband, but you are now out of it. I doubt you will hear from her for a long time - maybe years. But she desperately needs counseling and probably an anti-depressant - STAT. Walk away slowly and gracefully. You made a good attempt to help her, and she has imploded. It is incredibly sad for all involved, but you can't fix it for her at this point. Good luck to you -- please find some peace in the fact that you tried - and I hope she can find peace in the next phase of her life, whatever that is going to be. |
Anonymous
And here so the issue. "Unimainably painful"? Really? My own mother bore me and a twin. He died, during. The age when it happened frequently, of SIDS. I lived, but paid for his death. I was a girl, after all, even in modern times. I ended up with an alcoholic mother, a sexually abusive stepfather. Then a sexually abusive stepbrother, and an abusive home. How's that for grief? I live a normal life now because I understood that I had issues, and I sought help. I have a friend from a certain African nation who watched her own family being murdered. Before they killed her month, she, as a. You g woman, watched her own mother be raped She has a good life now. That to me, is unimaginable. Not living in a world where you could adopt, have a surrogate, etc. you have clean water, shelter, and the abuses of the government and military. She got help. And is the loveliest and most amazing person you could hope to meet. One of my best friends lost her dad, shortly after she came out as a lesbian, and they were in disagreement. She got help. And came to terms with her loss. My own mother lost her son. She didn't get help. Read above. I agree that losing baby after baby is hard, but you know what.. All human beings deal with loss and trauma. It is your choice to dwell or move on. SIL has a good life. Yes, she has infertility, but her options are not that closed or limited. She she just chooses to decide that without having her genes,or carrying a baby are the only worth to her as a human being. Are these tough pills to swallow? Yep. Are they the ONLY pills to swallow? No. She needs grief counselling, pure and simple. I could easily lash out at everyone who didn't suffer sexual and physical abuse. My friend could lash out at anyone who lived a typical western life. Why are people more accepting because of the "pain of infertility"? Stop rating women as wombs, and it will get better. I'm sorry, but this rates as a first world problem. This woman cannot bear children, but has a family who is willing to support her desires to the point where the will bear her children for her. Seriously folks? Yes she has fears and inadequate a to deal with, but also the full extent of opportunity anyone could even dream of. Many infertile women would give any thing for a surrogate volunteer. This woman cannot see the blessing she had, which is her right. But she shouldn't bash OP for her kindness. |
Anonymous
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OP if you do want to move forward I think you need to write your own list and give it to her. Cross out things on hers. I think you 4 need to sit down and have an in depth conversation. In person. She doesn't get to demand anything from you.
You've mentioned she's had IVF, was anything wrong with their eggs/sperm? Or is she just unable to carry the baby to term? |