How do I deal with this? SN son not invited to party but he thinks he is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My own 2 cents. I would probably choose the option of finding a fun special outing for my child on the day of the party, but if I chose to contact the mother of the birthday child, I would probably say "I understand that Larla's birthday party is coming up. I thought you might like to know that Larla is verbally inviting some children in class, like my son, who have not been sent invitations to the party. You might want to encourage her not to talk about the party in class since not everyone was invited."

This tells her that you aren't putting her in the awkward spot of trying to get her to invite your son on the spot unless she really wants to, but serves as a notice to her that this is happening. Then she can decide whether she can include your son somehow. It also gives her a response if your son wasn't invited. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I'll definitely talk to Larla about that. Thank you."

Just goes to show why email can be such a tough medium. In general, I think it's ok to contact the mom in this situation - but the suggestion above is by far the worst way of handling it that's been suggested so far. It conveys quite a bit of anger and annoyance and if I received that note I'd not feel inclined to be friendly toward this family

Agree. I've opined in favor of checking in with the Mom, but don't adopt the tone of "here's a suggestion on how to parent your kid." No parent likes to hear that. Just advise them of the situation, get clarity on whether your child is actually invited, and leave it to the other parent to handle their own family dynamics.

[Anonymous]

I had a weird situation with my NT child where her friend's parent gave me a verbal save the date for the party- told me where and what time. An invite never arrived and I didn't have a way to contact the mom, but later overheard the child asking her mom why my child couldn't come. The mom told the kid that they simply didn't have room for more people. I have no idea if the mom remembered she had told us the details before.

With both my kids (one NT and one SN), they tend to overpromise and be a little too extending of their hospitality. Before we went to Disney, I overheard my NT daughter promising at least two kids from SACC that she'd bring them back something. I don't even know who these kids are and I have no idea who else she promised souvenirs! And I could totally see my SN son inviting everyone and their mother to his parties, which we actually keep very small- limited to a few family friends and maybe one kid from his class. So this thread is a good reminder to talk with my kids about party etiquette.

But I'm sorry, OP. I might go the least confrontational route and have the friend who checked the evite for you tell the host that some kids are under the impression they were invited and see what happens from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this should be a separate thread, but....

As a NT parent if you are inviting a child who as behavioral SN (my daughter is very friendly with a child in her class who has SN) is it out of line to ask the parent to stay?

Your choice. An can mean anything so to me your question is strange.

What is strange about her question?

I think it's absolutely fine to ask a parent to stay. My DS is good at parties so I generally leave-- I have a friend whose son is quite challenging and he and my son bring it out in one another. I had him over on his own one day, and candidly told the mom after the playdate that he is completely welcome again, as long as she is present. I am also present when my DS goes to this child's house. The two of these kids together -- pure combustion.

[Anonymous]

My own 2 cents. I would probably choose the option of finding a fun special outing for my child on the day of the party, but if I chose to contact the mother of the birthday child, I would probably say "I understand that Larla's birthday party is coming up. I thought you might like to know that Larla is verbally inviting some children in class, like my son, who have not been sent invitations to the party. You might want to encourage her not to talk about the party in class since not everyone was invited."

This tells her that you aren't putting her in the awkward spot of trying to get her to invite your son on the spot unless she really wants to, but serves as a notice to her that this is happening. Then she can decide whether she can include your son somehow. It also gives her a response if your son wasn't invited. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I'll definitely talk to Larla about that. Thank you."


Just goes to show why email can be such a tough medium. In general, I think it's ok to contact the mom in this situation - but the suggestion above is by far the worst way of handling it that's been suggested so far. It conveys quite a bit of anger and annoyance and if I received that note I'd not feel inclined to be friendly toward this family

Agree. I've opined in favor of checking in with the Mom, but don't adopt the tone of "here's a suggestion on how to parent your kid." No parent likes to hear that. Just advise them of the situation, get clarity on whether your child is actually invited, and leave it to the other parent to handle their own family dynamics.

I agree. This is a problem I have encountered regularly with kids around the K-1st grade age group. They don't understand that they don't have authority to invite their friends places, and extend verbal invites to play dates, events, etc. that their parents did not approve. On the one hand, it is nice to know that the kids WANT to include DS and DD, but it can lead to confusion and hurt feelings. But it is a problem endemic of the age.

[Anonymous]

Having just thrown a party where there were space limitations (at a venue DS REALLY wanted) and pay per child - we decided a way to cut it off what to just invite the boys. I had also learned from last year to make a little extra wiggle room to accommodate some siblings (have realized particularly with how to balance their care during the weekend & also sibling conflicts). I would NOT ask the mom about inviting your son, you don't know what's behind it. Maybe some might feel it's lying, but say 'we had had other plans that day' to DS & do something fun then & maybe then reach out to the mom at another time & say DS talks about (your child) a lot and would love to find time for a play date. Or something like that.

[Anonymous]

Call the Mom of the birthday girl.

"Hey Mrs. Mom, here is Mom of Larlo. I just wanted to check with you: my son has been telling me Larla invited him to her birthday party. We haven't gotten an invitation. Could you please let me know if he is invited or not?"

No harm done. Just be straight forward, honest, explain the situation a tad bit but don't involve any judgement or emotions. Just a clean and clear informational check in with the Mom.

If he isn't invited: tell him. Be honest. Whatever reason Larlas Mom gives you, that's what you are telling your son. Don't lie to him. Instead help him get over it and deal with the emotions involved. Then do something else fun with him if he seems very bothered.

[Anonymous]

This thread has been very eye opening.

I now have more sympathy for parents who can't invite everyone and have to deal with the awkwardness of moms who call or e-mail them to ask if they forgot to invite their kid. Awkward...

I can't really blame them if they don't respond to those phone calls or e-mails because the other parent put them on the spot--even though the inquiring parent emphasizes that they will understand if their kid really wasn't invited.

While it might be OK to double check with friends and family, it is distasteful to poke social acquaintances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this should be a separate thread, but....

As a NT parent if you are inviting a child who as behavioral SN (my daughter is very friendly with a child in her class who has SN) is it out of line to ask the parent to stay?

Your choice. An can mean anything so to me your question is strange.

What is strange about her question?

I think it's absolutely fine to ask a parent to stay. My DS is good at parties so I generally leave-- I have a friend whose son is quite challenging and he and my son bring it out in one another. I had him over on his own one day, and candidly told the mom after the playdate that he is completely welcome again, as long as she is present. I am also present when my DS goes to this child's house. The two of these kids together -- pure combustion.

Ha- that doesn't sound like a SN issues, that sounds like all kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This thread has been very eye opening.

I now have more sympathy for parents who can't invite everyone and have to deal with the awkwardness of moms who call or e-mail them to ask if they forgot to invite their kid. Awkward...

I can't really blame them if they don't respond to those phone calls or e-mails because the other parent put them on the spot--even though the inquiring parent emphasizes that they will understand if their kid really wasn't invited.

While it might be OK to double check with friends and family, it is distasteful to poke social acquaintances.

I agree with this. I can't imagine calling and asking if my kid was inadvertently left off the invite.
This is the definition of helicopter parenting and I would avoid that parent at all cost in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My own 2 cents. I would probably choose the option of finding a fun special outing for my child on the day of the party, but if I chose to contact the mother of the birthday child, I would probably say "I understand that Larla's birthday party is coming up. I thought you might like to know that Larla is verbally inviting some children in class, like my son, who have not been sent invitations to the party. You might want to encourage her not to talk about the party in class since not everyone was invited."

This tells her that you aren't putting her in the awkward spot of trying to get her to invite your son on the spot unless she really wants to, but serves as a notice to her that this is happening. Then she can decide whether she can include your son somehow. It also gives her a response if your son wasn't invited. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I'll definitely talk to Larla about that. Thank you."

Just goes to show why email can be such a tough medium. In general, I think it's ok to contact the mom in this situation - but the suggestion above is by far the worst way of handling it that's been suggested so far. It conveys quite a bit of anger and annoyance and if I received that note I'd not feel inclined to be friendly toward this family

Agree. I've opined in favor of checking in with the Mom, but don't adopt the tone of "here's a suggestion on how to parent your kid." No parent likes to hear that. Just advise them of the situation, get clarity on whether your child is actually invited, and leave it to the other parent to handle their own family dynamics.

I agree. This is a problem I have encountered regularly with kids around the K-1st grade age group. They don't understand that they don't have authority to invite their friends places, and extend verbal invites to play dates, events, etc. that their parents did not approve. On the one hand, it is nice to know that the kids WANT to include DS and DD, but it can lead to confusion and hurt feelings. But it is a problem endemic of the age.

First PP above. And for me, the alternate that has been proposed, to say "Larla has invited Jack to her birthday party, is he invited or not?" is just more rude. It comes across as "you didn't invite my child, why and aren't you going to invite him, now?" It doesn't just let her know that this happened, but the latter part of "is he invited or not" comes across as a request to have your child join the party even though he wasn't invited. You're essentially trying to get your child invited to the party and that's just rude.

So, seeing as my suggestion came across as trying to "suggest how to parent your kid," in the future, it this happens, I guess the only way to handle this is to let it go and just find something else fun for my child to do. Unless others like the suggestion one PP had of having Jack tell Larla that he wasn't invited because her mom didn't send an invitation, so then Larla can talk to her mother about it. What say the hive mind?

[Anonymous]

I now have more sympathy for parents who can't invite everyone and have to deal with the awkwardness of moms who call or e-mail them to ask if they forgot to invite their kid. Awkward...

IDK, this happened to me once when I handed out paper invites at school. I have no idea why the mom said she didn't get the invite, because I know for a fact I gave it to her, but still, I was glad she called to check because my son really wanted her child there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This thread has been very eye opening.

I now have more sympathy for parents who can't invite everyone and have to deal with the awkwardness of moms who call or e-mail them to ask if they forgot to invite their kid. Awkward...

I can't really blame them if they don't respond to those phone calls or e-mails because the other parent put them on the spot--even though the inquiring parent emphasizes that they will understand if their kid really wasn't invited.

While it might be OK to double check with friends and family, it is distasteful to poke social acquaintances.

That is so not what's going on. This mom ACTUALLY DOES NOT KNOW whether her son is invited or not. It's fine to check. I don't care if my kid isn't invited to every party but if a child repeatedly tells her she is and we never get an invite, I would be inclined to check just so we don't look like the rude weirdos who never RSVP or respond because the other parents thought they gave us an invitation we never received.

[Anonymous]

Have your child tell the party kid that he can't come to her party because he didn't get an invitation.

The party kid can communicate this back to the parent and then either give your kid a formal invite or tell him that he cant come because my mom said there are too many kids, or the party is only for girls, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this should be a separate thread, but....

As a NT parent if you are inviting a child who as behavioral SN (my daughter is very friendly with a child in her class who has SN) is it out of line to ask the parent to stay?

Your choice. An can mean anything so to me your question is strange.

What is strange about her question?

I think it's absolutely fine to ask a parent to stay. My DS is good at parties so I generally leave-- I have a friend whose son is quite challenging and he and my son bring it out in one another. I had him over on his own one day, and candidly told the mom after the playdate that he is completely welcome again, as long as she is present. I am also present when my DS goes to this child's house. The two of these kids together -- pure combustion.

Ha- that doesn't sound like a SN issues, that sounds like all kids!

Yup- interestingly, the other little boy is NT and mine has special needs. Agreed- some matches *aren't* made in heaven from a parent perspective both kids are fine until they're together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have your child tell the party kid that he can't come to her party because he didn't get an invitation.

The party kid can communicate this back to the parent and then either give your kid a formal invite or tell him that he cant come because my mom said there are too many kids, or the party is only for girls, etc.

This thread has been so interesting for me because on the one hand, if my child was not invited to a party, I cannot imagine saying anything to the birthday child's parent! I am definitely in the making other fun plans camp. On the other hand, if I was the parent of the birthday child, I would absolutely want the other parent to reach out to me and I would figure SOMETHING out to include the other child. So basically this is a tough situation with no good answer, except maybe the one proposed above. I will say my child recently did not recieve an invite for a party I had heard about, so I made a play date for him that day with a non-school friend. Two days before, the birthday child's mother reached out to me because we hadn't RSVPed - turned out it really was an oversight. I had to decline because we had already made other plans but was very sad because I know my child would have strongly preferred to go to the party. So it might be worth floating the lack of invite somehow - either through a mutual friend or via your child and the birthday child.