Why are some parents so cold and unfriendly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the main people who do this are grown up mean girls who still think life is a competition and don’t want to associate with you in case you are not in the right crowd. I rarely get this reception when I am wearing full makeup and a nice outfit and probably sending signals I’m successful and have some money. I don’t think it happens a lot when I’m WAH and wearing no makeup with my hair natural and I’m in leggings. I just shrug and move on. Can you imagine still thinking like that in your 40s?

The part in bold describes MOST parents in the DC area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the main people who do this are grown up mean girls who still think life is a competition and don’t want to associate with you in case you are not in the right crowd. I rarely get this reception when I am wearing full makeup and a nice outfit and probably sending signals I’m successful and have some money. I don’t think it happens a lot when I’m WAH and wearing no makeup with my hair natural and I’m in leggings. I just shrug and move on. Can you imagine still thinking like that in your 40s?

The part in bold describes MOST parents in the DC area.

Preach! 🙌🏾

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't get it. This post is not about wanting people to invite me or my kids places (truly unnecessary, not the point) or wanting other people's kids to be friends with my kids. I'm not trying to force anyone to do anything.

But so often when I'm at school events or activities, and forced into situation with other parents, I will turn to the person next to me and just introduce myself, ask about their kid, whatever, and they are so antisocial. Like one word answers, look uncomfortable or annoyed. I will read the room and drop it or move away, but I think it's weird. Even if I'm had a stressful day at work or am just in a bad mood, I will smile and be pleasant in those situations because, hey, we're all in the same boat to some degree and I just think being pleasant to fellow parents is part of the gig. I also just find it useful to be able to put parent faces/names with their kids, and to get to know the other families enough to be cordial during pick up/drop off or whatever.

If this is you, why can't you just be pleasant for a few moments? Why the cold shoulder?

I'd say 80% of NoVA parents are like this. Such a cold area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the main people who do this are grown up mean girls who still think life is a competition and don’t want to associate with you in case you are not in the right crowd. I rarely get this reception when I am wearing full makeup and a nice outfit and probably sending signals I’m successful and have some money. I don’t think it happens a lot when I’m WAH and wearing no makeup with my hair natural and I’m in leggings. I just shrug and move on. Can you imagine still thinking like that in your 40s?

The part in bold describes MOST parents in the DC area.

This.....and I find these people truly obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the main people who do this are grown up mean girls who still think life is a competition and don’t want to associate with you in case you are not in the right crowd. I rarely get this reception when I am wearing full makeup and a nice outfit and probably sending signals I’m successful and have some money. I don’t think it happens a lot when I’m WAH and wearing no makeup with my hair natural and I’m in leggings. I just shrug and move on. Can you imagine still thinking like that in your 40s?

Everyone is nicer to pretty people.

Look we found one lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. I've got nothing left. I spent all day having to talk to people.
2. I'm not there to chat with you. You are from the South or Midwest and think you're being friendly. I'm from NY and think you're like an annoying gnat - inconsequential and irrelevant. I'm there to see my kid, meet with teachers, etc.

you live a sad, sad life.

[Anonymous]

I’ve seen this dynamic in my own neighborhood. We have six third‑grade boys on our street who all played rec basketball together for the first two years. They’re all friendly, and the parents generally get along.

One dad, though, has always been very selective about who he interacts with. He’ll chat warmly with a few families but gives the rest of us short, dismissive responses. It’s not hostile, just very cold and closed‑off.

This year he created his own fourth‑grade rec team but only informed the families he’s close to. The rest of us found out afterward, once the boys were already divided. It left several families feeling excluded and unsure what we had done wrong.

It really highlighted how some parents operate in tight social circles and unintentionally (or intentionally) make others feel unwelcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen this dynamic in my own neighborhood. We have six third‑grade boys on our street who all played rec basketball together for the first two years. They’re all friendly, and the parents generally get along.

One dad, though, has always been very selective about who he interacts with. He’ll chat warmly with a few families but gives the rest of us short, dismissive responses. It’s not hostile, just very cold and closed‑off.

This year he created his own fourth‑grade rec team but only informed the families he’s close to. The rest of us found out afterward, once the boys were already divided. It left several families feeling excluded and unsure what we had done wrong.

It really highlighted how some parents operate in tight social circles and unintentionally (or intentionally) make others feel unwelcome.

I’ve seen this in my neighborhood as well, and while I don’t care if adults don’t want to be friends with everyone, it’s troubling when their social engineering negatively impacts kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen this dynamic in my own neighborhood. We have six third‑grade boys on our street who all played rec basketball together for the first two years. They’re all friendly, and the parents generally get along.

One dad, though, has always been very selective about who he interacts with. He’ll chat warmly with a few families but gives the rest of us short, dismissive responses. It’s not hostile, just very cold and closed‑off.

This year he created his own fourth‑grade rec team but only informed the families he’s close to. The rest of us found out afterward, once the boys were already divided. It left several families feeling excluded and unsure what we had done wrong.

It really highlighted how some parents operate in tight social circles and unintentionally (or intentionally) make others feel unwelcome.

I have also seen this dynamic in our neighborhood and school (Capitol Hill, public school). It's not everyone. There is a variety of levels of friendliness based on personality (some people are outgoing, some are not) but most people are not being obviously selective about only being friendly to the "right" people. But some people are.

Recently we had the experience of another family who was new to the neighborhood first befriending us (our DC got along well with their DC at school and it was the first "friend" I think their DC made at school) and then dropping us. At first I was baffled and wondered if I'd done something wrong, or there had been a problem at school. Then I noticed they were very selectively socializing with families who I knew to be wealthy or have influential jobs and put 2 and 2 together. Fortunately our kid did not care at all (there's a reason DC was one of the first kids to get to know the new kid -- very social, friendly kid in general) and after the sting of realizing what had happened past, I moved on. But it was a reminder of how ruthless some people are. I can't imagine trying to influence my kids' friends based on how rich or powerful their parents are. What an awful way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In this area, it’s all snobbery. They’ve looked you up in the directory beforehand, don’t recognize you from their club and therefore know you’re not someone they need to know. Wise not to give any accidentally friendly signals. And they ideally don’t want their kids being friendly with yours.

+1. It's certainly this. However, I disagree that this ridicule-worthy. Nobody is entitled to becoming fast friends or friends at all with random strangers at your kid's school. If I don't know you and you're chatty, pushy, and social climb-y, you're getting iced. We're middle aged adults. Sorry you're so hard up for friends at this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen this dynamic in my own neighborhood. We have six third‑grade boys on our street who all played rec basketball together for the first two years. They’re all friendly, and the parents generally get along.

One dad, though, has always been very selective about who he interacts with. He’ll chat warmly with a few families but gives the rest of us short, dismissive responses. It’s not hostile, just very cold and closed‑off.

This year he created his own fourth‑grade rec team but only informed the families he’s close to. The rest of us found out afterward, once the boys were already divided. It left several families feeling excluded and unsure what we had done wrong.

It really highlighted how some parents operate in tight social circles and unintentionally (or intentionally) make others feel unwelcome.

I mean... the man must be pretty Type-A, leader, charismatic, outgoing, and have a great reputation for so many parents to follow him, right? But also, more than likely they were already in a group chat or whatever and much closer than you think over the years. It's perfectly natural human nature for a large social circle to have tighter smaller circles inside of it. Find any trio of great friends and there's always a duo that's closer and one friend is sort of third place. The world is not some perfectly equitable bubble.

[Anonymous]

I find that for the most part, like attracts like. The meaner people attract each other and then gossip about each other. Nicer people also tend to find each other. It is tougher if you’re in area /community with more of the former though. It can take awhile but I’ve found friendly parents (we don’t have to be best friends but just respectful, polite, kind to each other). I did strike out a lot though but I think I have thick-ish skin so I didn’t mind too much and kept putting myself out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm probably like that. I have always been an introvert but so much more so since Covid. Or maybe I just sort of find it pointless? I HATE making small talk, find it pointless unless theres some underlying information being shared. Nothing about you, though.

Translation: It's 2026 and I'm a middle aged a**hole because of long Covid. lol

[Anonymous]

It's DC. They have sized you up -- and in many cases have literally cyber-stalked and run a background check on you and your spouse -- and determined you're a low status nobody unworthy of their time.

I promise you if Jake Tapper or Usha Vance was trying to chat them up they wouldn't be ice cold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. I've got nothing left. I spent all day having to talk to people.
2. I'm not there to chat with you. You are from the South or Midwest and think you're being friendly. I'm from NY and think you're like an annoying gnat - inconsequential and irrelevant. I'm there to see my kid, meet with teachers, etc.

Seeing other human beings as inconsequential actually makes you a horrible one. Hope this helps!

And get over yourself with the "I'm from New York crap". My husband is a born and bread New Yorker and nice to people. You're just an ahole.

I don't really care what you think of me. That's what I mean by inconsequential. Your opinions don't matter to me. Because I'm not at the school to make friends with you.

This is anti-social behavior and should concern you.

Actually, being so advanced in age and still hard-up for friends should concern you. Successful middle aged persons with thriving social lives aren't bothered by this. It is so weird, creepy and frankly delusional to think you as a parent get to level up and social climb because of the school your kid attends.