Revealing affair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The parenting board talks a lot about natural consequences for dealing with children's misbehavior. This seems like an obvious natural consequence of having an affair - your betrayed spouse might tell the other betrayed spouse.

Yup. But all of a sudden we need to protect these snowflake cheaters who didn't GAF about their own partners or children. We are supposed to treat them more delicate than children? C'mon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on possibly destroying children’s lives with a bitter divorce that might not have otherwise happened if you didn’t feel the need to insert yourself into other’s lives.

This is worse than cheating. You are directly possibly causing trauma for kids that may not have happened otherwise. Marriage is about much more than sex.

People should mind their own business.

-never cheated

This is not worse than cheating. The cheating spouses caused the problems. If OP needed to unburden, then good for OP.

If you don't want people to find out about your bad acts, don't do them!

No! Sex is a private act between consenting adults married or not. Intentionally causing a divorce that might never happen if you did not open your mouth is worse. Intentionally involving kids. I have never cheated. When I was married, I would not have wanted to know. Marriage is much bigger than just sex. The problem is people like you think sex is the most important thing. No, kids' stability and finances are. Don't cheat but also don't get involved in other people's marriages that potentially makes you the impetus to harm kids. Research says most affairs are never discovered.

I feel the same. If DH steps out but has no intention of leaving, will end it eventually, and is still being decent to me and the kids, I do not want to know. I know that I would not be able to stay and I think that would kill my kids. It would also ruin me financially. I respect people who would want to know, but there are a lot of us who wouldn't.

This is so pathetic I don't even know what to say.

Many families have don't ask, don't tell policy. I would not want to know. OP just wants to be an active participant of the drama, that's pretty pathetic.

Then delete the email. Problem solved.

Not wanting to know does not mean turning away, when someone deliberately shoves it in your face.

OP here. The other betrayed spouse thanked me for telling them. They told me they were grateful for the information because they had noticed their spouse had been acting differently but denied and deflected. They told me they felt relieved that they now knew the truth.

I'm glad I told them. I hated keeping such an awful secret from another innocent person. They deserved to know what was happening in their marriage so they could make informed choices for themselves, their health, their marriage, etc.

Oh, please, OP, you no mother Theresa in this. You are a scorned woman.

The other spouse may not have not innocent. What if he's abusive, what if she's having a revenage affair?

Hurting back your DH is justified. But involving complete strangers and being the main character in this mess is not.

He might be abusive. Who knows? FAFO! Not my problem

You claimed that you were motivated by the innocent person's health? An abuser is not an innocent person.

You did it because it felt good. Your DH did the same with his affair. You should stay together - you are a good fit.

Good then this realization and bringing it all out into the open air can help her get away from an abusive relationship.

You’re welcome

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The parenting board talks a lot about natural consequences for dealing with children's misbehavior. This seems like an obvious natural consequence of having an affair - your betrayed spouse might tell the other betrayed spouse.

Yes, it does, but only if you treat your spouse as a misbehaving child.

You don't think adults should be held accountable for their actions? You think that only applies to children? Wtf?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The parenting board talks a lot about natural consequences for dealing with children's misbehavior. This seems like an obvious natural consequence of having an affair - your betrayed spouse might tell the other betrayed spouse.

Yes, it does, but only if you treat your spouse as a misbehaving child.

You don't think adults should be held accountable for their actions? You think that only applies to children? Wtf?

You are not holding them accountable. You are involving "another adult". That's wtf. Is the next step to contact their HR?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The parenting board talks a lot about natural consequences for dealing with children's misbehavior. This seems like an obvious natural consequence of having an affair - your betrayed spouse might tell the other betrayed spouse.

Yes, it does, but only if you treat your spouse as a misbehaving child.

You don't think adults should be held accountable for their actions? You think that only applies to children? Wtf?

You are not holding them accountable. You are involving "another adult". That's wtf. Is the next step to contact their HR?

The "other adult" is directly involved. It's not reporting them to their boss lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The parenting board talks a lot about natural consequences for dealing with children's misbehavior. This seems like an obvious natural consequence of having an affair - your betrayed spouse might tell the other betrayed spouse.

Yes, it does, but only if you treat your spouse as a misbehaving child.

The natural consequence of being a cheater is that you have the potential to be caught. Accept it or better yet, don't cheat!

[Anonymous]

[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The parenting board talks a lot about natural consequences for dealing with children's misbehavior. This seems like an obvious natural consequence of having an affair - your betrayed spouse might tell the other betrayed spouse.

Yes, it does, but only if you treat your spouse as a misbehaving child.

You don't think adults should be held accountable for their actions? You think that only applies to children? Wtf?

You are not holding them accountable. You are involving "another adult". That's wtf. Is the next step to contact their HR?

If they are in the military or a handful of other USG agencies, then yeah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on possibly destroying children’s lives with a bitter divorce that might not have otherwise happened if you didn’t feel the need to insert yourself into other’s lives.

This is worse than cheating. You are directly possibly causing trauma for kids that may not have happened otherwise. Marriage is about much more than sex.

People should mind their own business.

-never cheated

This is not worse than cheating. The cheating spouses caused the problems. If OP needed to unburden, then good for OP.

If you don't want people to find out about your bad acts, don't do them!

No! Sex is a private act between consenting adults married or not. Intentionally causing a divorce that might never happen if you did not open your mouth is worse. Intentionally involving kids. I have never cheated. When I was married, I would not have wanted to know. Marriage is much bigger than just sex. The problem is people like you think sex is the most important thing. No, kids' stability and finances are. Don't cheat but also don't get involved in other people's marriages that potentially makes you the impetus to harm kids. Research says most affairs are never discovered.

Who are you to decide what is important in someone else’s marriage? How narcissistic can you be to assume everyone thinks like you?

OP gave the other cheated on spouse facts. That’s it. It is up to that spouse whether this is divorce worthy or not. There are many people who would not be okay spending potentially decades of their lives being duped by a partner and potentially exposed to diseases. Or to possibly strung along in the dark until kids are off to college only to be blindsided that their spouse is leaving them for an AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The parenting board talks a lot about natural consequences for dealing with children's misbehavior. This seems like an obvious natural consequence of having an affair - your betrayed spouse might tell the other betrayed spouse.

Yes, it does, but only if you treat your spouse as a misbehaving child.

You don't think adults should be held accountable for their actions? You think that only applies to children? Wtf?

You are not holding them accountable. You are involving "another adult". That's wtf. Is the next step to contact their HR?

The "other adult" is directly involved. It's not reporting them to their boss lol.

The "other adult" is the AP's spouse who, you are hoping, will impose the "natural consequences" along with you as your spouse-kids' playdate went too far.

Oh, I am sure you'll report them to the boss. Maybe they will suspend them or give them a detention?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The parenting board talks a lot about natural consequences for dealing with children's misbehavior. This seems like an obvious natural consequence of having an affair - your betrayed spouse might tell the other betrayed spouse.

Yes, it does, but only if you treat your spouse as a misbehaving child.

You don't think adults should be held accountable for their actions? You think that only applies to children? Wtf?

You are not holding them accountable. You are involving "another adult". That's wtf. Is the next step to contact their HR?

If they are in the military or a handful of other USG agencies, then yeah.

Here you go, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I think it’s important for betrayed spouses to know, i think that the intent of sharing that information matters. It should come of a place of concern for THEM, not from a place of needing to offload or share the pain of the person who knows.

I feel like this case is the latter, and I also don’t think that sharing the information is truly as freeing as OP thinks it was.

I don't think it matters at all.

It can be a little bit of both. They can want the spouse to know so they have their ducks in a row, can protect their children from any potential crazies, get their affairs in order knowing they are married to someone that is going to likely file for divorce w/out their being clued in for years, and protect themselves against STIs. And, they can also be pissed and want this person out of their family, their lives. It's kind of honorable to take one off the market--maybe just maybe that won't do it to another person after getting caught. One can hope the revelation will cure them of their deficiencies and force some self introspection about how deceitful and morally corrupt they are.

If OP is to be believed, they intentionally did something without caring if they were hurting someone else just so they could feel better, not to help the other person. That someone was as innocent of blame as OP and yet OP punished them. OP didn’t call the AP and tell them off so the AP could mend their ways. They called the spouse so they could feel better about themselves.

It’s a human thing to feel and to want to do. But doing it is not noble.

That was the cheating, honey. She wouldn't have had to make a phone call, if you treated your spouse with respect and honesty. You don't get to have the moral high ground. Telling the truth vs going behind people's backs, lying and committing adultery....hmmm? Which one is wrong?

Sorry, sweetheart. I am neither a cheater nor someone who’s been cheated on. If you want to damage a stranger just so you can feel good about yourself, go right ahead. But don’t pretend you had to do it or it’s to help that stranger. You show just as much self-restraint as the cheaters did. Just as much disregard for another person. More than one thing can be wrong at the same time. And two wrongs don’t make you right.

NP but the stranger (cheater) damaged *themselves*. It’s shocking you can’t get this extremely simple concept through your thick skull.

I mean, if your kid was cheating on a test and another kid told, did that kid *damage* your kid? (Answer: no. Your kid did it to himself.)

Oh ffs. The person the OP does not care about hurting is the AP’s spouse who never harmed OP. Do at least try to keep up.

Just because OP told the spouse doesn't mean OP was hurting them. You are so myopic trying to cover up for cheaters, it's gross.

If you read for understanding, you would see that OP didn’t care if she hurt someone, not that she actually did. Complete disregard for anyone but herself.

Not covering up for anything. Everyone always loses track of the real victims here - OP and by her own hand, the other spouse.

the cheaters don't care about anybody's feelings, they don't care who they hurt... spouses/kids/family.

OP is allowing the other spouse to have all the information needed. No lies. Maybe the information leads to therapy and reconciliation. Maybe the information brings to light a mental illness of the APs and they get help.

What it doesn't do it hurt people.

So, you don’t think OP is a “hurt people”?

Her entire post screams it. There’s nothing about the other spouse, only OPs hurt and how to make herself feel better.

She said it felt good to get the secret of her chest. She didn’t say anything about hurting people.

Again, it was all about her.

You’re really twisting yourself some pretzels to see it that way but OK I don’t know what kind of trauma you’ve had in your childhood, or if your bipolar disorder is flaring up. But I’d seek help if you see it that way cause that’s not right or healthy.

Using mental illness as an insult. Nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on possibly destroying children’s lives with a bitter divorce that might not have otherwise happened if you didn’t feel the need to insert yourself into other’s lives.

This is worse than cheating. You are directly possibly causing trauma for kids that may not have happened otherwise. Marriage is about much more than sex.

People should mind their own business.

-never cheated

If marriage isn't about sex than it's no problem for them right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The parenting board talks a lot about natural consequences for dealing with children's misbehavior. This seems like an obvious natural consequence of having an affair - your betrayed spouse might tell the other betrayed spouse.

Yes, it does, but only if you treat your spouse as a misbehaving child.

You don't think adults should be held accountable for their actions? You think that only applies to children? Wtf?

You are not holding them accountable. You are involving "another adult". That's wtf. Is the next step to contact their HR?

The "other adult" is directly involved. It's not reporting them to their boss lol.

The "other adult" is the AP's spouse who, you are hoping, will impose the "natural consequences" along with you as your spouse-kids' playdate went too far.

Oh, I am sure you'll report them to the boss. Maybe they will suspend them or give them a detention?

If it's an inappropriate workplace relationship, why not?

Why are you so concerned about protecting a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on possibly destroying children’s lives with a bitter divorce that might not have otherwise happened if you didn’t feel the need to insert yourself into other’s lives.

This is worse than cheating. You are directly possibly causing trauma for kids that may not have happened otherwise. Marriage is about much more than sex.

People should mind their own business.

-never cheated

This is ridiculous. You must have come from a very F*ed up family of origin. How very sad for you that you think this way. No one is under any obligation to keep a cheater’s secret. Especially when there is a health concern. A partner deserves to know that their spouse is cheating so they can get STD testing. Or are you dumb enough to believe a cheater and liar when they say they have never cheated before and both are disease free.

OP isn’t worried about STDs or any of that. She just wants someone to share the pain, and to hurt the cheaters. SHE is worried about HER having to carry the secret, which isn’t hers to share or not share, other than her own experience.

Setting out knowing you’re going out to hurt someone else to make yourself feel better IS questionable.

And I’m saying this as someone who has pretty decent proof their partner is cheating ATM.

Op has no idea if Ap's spouse will be upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I think it’s important for betrayed spouses to know, i think that the intent of sharing that information matters. It should come of a place of concern for THEM, not from a place of needing to offload or share the pain of the person who knows.

I feel like this case is the latter, and I also don’t think that sharing the information is truly as freeing as OP thinks it was.

I don't think it matters at all.

It can be a little bit of both. They can want the spouse to know so they have their ducks in a row, can protect their children from any potential crazies, get their affairs in order knowing they are married to someone that is going to likely file for divorce w/out their being clued in for years, and protect themselves against STIs. And, they can also be pissed and want this person out of their family, their lives. It's kind of honorable to take one off the market--maybe just maybe that won't do it to another person after getting caught. One can hope the revelation will cure them of their deficiencies and force some self introspection about how deceitful and morally corrupt they are.

If OP is to be believed, they intentionally did something without caring if they were hurting someone else just so they could feel better, not to help the other person. That someone was as innocent of blame as OP and yet OP punished them. OP didn’t call the AP and tell them off so the AP could mend their ways. They called the spouse so they could feel better about themselves.

It’s a human thing to feel and to want to do. But doing it is not noble.

That was the cheating, honey. She wouldn't have had to make a phone call, if you treated your spouse with respect and honesty. You don't get to have the moral high ground. Telling the truth vs going behind people's backs, lying and committing adultery....hmmm? Which one is wrong?

Sorry, sweetheart. I am neither a cheater nor someone who’s been cheated on. If you want to damage a stranger just so you can feel good about yourself, go right ahead. But don’t pretend you had to do it or it’s to help that stranger. You show just as much self-restraint as the cheaters did. Just as much disregard for another person. More than one thing can be wrong at the same time. And two wrongs don’t make you right.

NP but the stranger (cheater) damaged *themselves*. It’s shocking you can’t get this extremely simple concept through your thick skull.

I mean, if your kid was cheating on a test and another kid told, did that kid *damage* your kid? (Answer: no. Your kid did it to himself.)

+1000

I think blaming the wronged spouse for speaking the truth about infidelity is just another misogynistic way to victim blame.

Notice how many people assume OP is a woman, a shrew, and other negative stereotypes about a cheated on wife. But for all we know OP is the cheated on DH. Why jump to the conclusion a woman would be the one to tell?